JUST IN!!
Another Olympic athlete arrested today. Apparently Ellie Simmons has been arrested on a small arms charge.
JUST IN!!
Another Olympic athlete arrested today. Apparently Ellie Simmons has been arrested on a small arms charge.
Paddy s wife is involved in a bad car crash. In the hospital she is just talking gobbledy gook . The worried doctor asks paddy is she fully compus mentus. No says paddy just third party fire and theft.
Billy was watching tv. Next day Billy comes downstairs & asks, "Dad what's love juice?" His father looks horrified & tells Billy all about sex & why a womans vagina gets wet. Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement. Dad asks, "So what were you watching?" Billy replies....
"Wimbledon Dad"
I thought I would take this opportunity to pass on a recollection of alternative medicine as practised in the Far East a quarter of a century ago.
A pal of mine went into his office in Hong Kong walking gingerly and informed his boss that he was finding it extremely painful merely to sit down. So the boss asked him to lower his trousers - which my pal did. "No doubt about it," said the boss, "but you have got a really large boil situated just between your scrotum and your arsehole. Forget penicillin - it takes too long. Go and see the Boilsucker of Kowloon."
So my friend made his way carefully down to reception and got a taxi into the depths of Kowloon and found a back street with a third floor surgery, approached by a ladder, with the sign: The Boilsucker of Kowloon.
My friend crawled up and was ushered in and asked to remove his trousers and lie down on a couch. Which he did.
At this point the Boilsucker of Kowloon wound a rope round my friend's ankles and winched them up to reveal the boil in question.
The Boilsucker then bared his teeth and bent over to get a proper grip round the base of the boil.
It was at this very moment that my friend let out a long sustained and audible fart.
The Boilsucker stood bolt upright and declared "Sah, why do you seek to make my work unpleasant?"
An army Major visits the sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks -
"What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic syphilis, Sir!"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!"
"What's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front lines, Sir!"
"Good man!" says the Major.
He goes to the next bed. "What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic piles, Sir!"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!"
"What's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front lines, Sir!"
"Good man!" says the Major.
He goes to the next bed. "What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic gum disease, Sir!"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!"
"Good man!" says the Major.
"What's your ambition?"
"To get to the front of the line and get the wire brush before the other two - Sir!"
Wife says: What can I go as to the fancy dress ball?
Husband says: Well, you could pull your pish flaps over your head and go as a sugar puff?
A catholic man opens his new tub of margarine and in it sees the face of jesus christ.
His asian neighbour looks at it and says "I can't believe it's not buddha!"
good string of jokes again fred
Did you hear about the thoughtful Scotsman who was heading out to the pub?
He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, 'Maggie - put your hat
and coat on, lassie.'
She replied, ' Awe Jock that's nice - are you taking me tae the pub with
you?'
'Nay, Jock replied, I'm switching the heat off while I'm out.'
This morning on the way to work I drove into the back of a car, at some lights, whilst not really paying attention.The driver got out and he was a dwarf.He said, "I'm not happy."
I replied,
"Well, which one are you then?"
Got my daughter an iPhone for her birthday, and recently got my youngest daughter an iPod for hers.
I was dead chuffed when the family clubbed together and bought me an iPad for Father’s day.
Got my wife an iRon for her birthday.
Then the fight started.
Hard to believe I know but they're getting better and better.
It's good to laugh, keep them coming
I nearly choked on my Stella when I read the Ellie Simmonds one.
I went to an English theme pub last night.
.
The beer was flat and the food had just finished.!!!!
Yeah sorry, dragged the level down a bit.
At the end of the small dirty, tiny, deserted bar, in Kirkby Liverpool sat
a huge scouser, shaved head, six foot tall weighing about 18 stone.
He's having a few beers when a short, well-dressed and obviously gay man
walks in and sits beside him.
After three or four beers the gay fella finally plucks up the courage to
say something to the big scouser.
Leaning over towards the scouser he whispers, "Do you want a blow-job?"
At this the massive scouser leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the
man in the face, knocking him swiftly off the stool.
He proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar before leaving him
bruised and battered in the car park, and returned to his seat at the bar.
Amazed, the barman quickly brings over another beer.
"I've never seen you react like that", he says, "just what did he say to you?"
"I'm not sure", the big scouser replies, "something about a job...."
Don't forget Comic Relief this year. Just £5 can help a disabled African learn the difference between an intruder and his girlfriend.
He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved
forwards, then backwards, forward, then backwards again....back and
forth...back and forth...in and out....in and out
She could feel the sweat on her forehead and between her breasts and
trickling down the small of her back, she was getting near to the end.
Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...then she moaned,softly
at first, then began to groan louder. Finally, totally exhausted, she let out
an almighty scream and shouted..........
"OK, OK! I CAN'T park the ....... car!
You do it, you SMUG .......!"
.
Police in South Africa have confirmed they have charged a sawn off man with a shotgun...
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.
That's bad....but good.
What's the difference between an Irish wedding, and an Irish funeral?
One less drunk.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any
The American Police Department Structure
Chief of Police
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a locomotive
Is faster than a speeding bullet
Walks on water
Gives policy to God
Assistant Chief
Leaps short buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a switch engine
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet
Walks on water if the sea is calm
Talks with God
Captain
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine
Is faster than a speeding BB
Walks on water if an indoor pool
Talks with God if special request is approved
Lieutenant
Barely clears a Quonset hut
Loses tug-of-war with a locomotive
Can fire a speeding bullet
Swims well
Is occasionally addressed by God
Sergeant
Makes high marks on the wall when trying to leap buildings
Is run over by locomotive
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury
Dog paddles
Talks to animals
Detective
Runs into buildings
Recognizes locomotive two out of three times
Is not issued ammunition
Can stay afloat with a life preserver
Talks to himself
Training Officer
Falls over doorsteps when trying to enter buildings
Says "Look at the cho-cho!
Wets himself with a water pistol
Plays in mud puddles
Mumbles to himself
Patrolman
Lifts buildings and walks under them
Kicks locomotives off the tracks
Catches speeding bullets in his teeth and eats them
Freezes water with a single glance
HE IS GOD
"I got fired today," I told my mate, "for downloading porn on the work computer and causing everything to crash."
"That's a bit harsh," he replied.
"They don't #@$% around at Air Traffic Control," I said.
Keep em coming Fred.
A gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and paperwork, and was burned out
Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic
He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could
When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"
"The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark"
After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the exhaust, which I've never seen done in my entire career"
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