Keep em coming Fred.
Keep em coming Fred.
How to upset the new Pope
The two British cooks at the Vatican upset the new Pope this morning, his first day in office. All Tina Smith and Marge Brown asked was, "does the Pope want a full English for breakfast?"
Apparently, annoyed by the Falklands situation, the new Pope was reported to have replied, quite tersely - "don't fry for me, Marge and Tina..."
Bugs Bunny was shopping at the supermarket and a sales assistant said to him: “If you can tell me what 19,866 times 10,543 is, we’ll give you free carrots for life”. Immediately, Bugs responded: “209,447,238”
The sales assistant was astonished and asked: “How on earth did you do that?”
Bugs replied: “If there’s one thing rabbits are good at, it’s multiplying"
George walks into his house with a sheep tucked under his arm. He
carries it upstairs and into the bedroom where his wife is in bed, reading a
magazine.
"Honey," says George, "This is the pig I've been screwing when
you're not available."
"George," the wife says, "That's not a pig. That's a sheep."
"Shut up," says George. "I wasn't talking to you."
Camilla goes to the Queen and says
"Every time I suck Charles' knob I get acid indigestion!"
The queen replies "have you tried Andrews?"
Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the
night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on
a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the Porch and
sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abler died some
30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't
felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling really "spicy" that I just
laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me!"
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I
shot him, the little ........
A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, "I don't think my python weawy givths a thit."
Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience He asks if anyone would like him to play a request.
A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!" Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes.
When he finishes the whole place goes wild. The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord".
A bit p!ssed off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart.
The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.
The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord".
Well and truly p!ssed off that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability. Stevie says to him from the stage "OK smart *ss. You get up here and do it!"
The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike And starts to sing.....
"A jazz chord to say I ruv you..."
Hahahahahahaha...Originally Posted by fred
-=rayna.keith=-
...When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible...
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