Brill
Brill
I went to see a Muslim tribute band last night.
They were called “Bomb Jovi”. They were brilliant.
Their last song “Living on a Prayer Mat” almost brought the house down.
Curries and Uncles are so alike, one Dodgy one and your .... is sore for a week.
A man walks into work with two black eyes. His boss asks what happened.
The man says, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye."
"Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss asks.
"Well," the man says, "I figured she preferred it in the crack, so I pushed it back in."
Originally Posted by fred
-=rayna.keith=-
...When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible...
I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong,
especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races, while on drugs.
When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my frigin' bike.
On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend.
He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.
I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked - ---You're supposed to turn your clock back".
The Liverpool manager flies to Kabul to watch a young Afghani play football. He is suitably impressed and arranges for the player to come over.
Two weeks later Liverpool are 2-0 down to Chelsea with only 20 minutes left. The manager gives the young Afghani striker the nod, and on he goes.
The lad is a sensation. He scores 3 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and the coach are delighted and the media love the new star.
When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.
\'Hello mum, guess what?\' he says \'I played for 20 minutes today, we were 2 - 0 down but I scored 3, they call it a hat-trick, and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the press, they all love me.
'Just wonderful, says his mum, Let me tell you about my day …
Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and assaulted, she would have been raped but for a passing police vehicle. Your brother has joined a local gang of looters and set fire to some buildings and all while you tell me that you were having a great time!!
The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say mum, but I'm really sorry.'
'Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!' says his mum,
'It's your bloody fault we came to Liverpool in the first place!
Two guys hear that there is a Deaf Allowance, so they go to the doctor to try and claim it.
The first guy goes in and says, "I'm here to get tested for the deaf allowance"
The doctor says, "Fine, just close the door behind you"
So the guy closes the door and the doctor says, "you've failed."
"What do you mean I've failed?"
"Well I told you to close the door and you did, so you heard me alright. You've failed"
The guy goes out and says to his pal, "look, whatever the doctor asks you to do, don't do it"
His pal goes in and says, "I'm here for the Deaf Allowance" and the doctor says, "Fine, just close the door behind you"
The guy replies, "no...close the f'in door yourself!"
Two Nun's in a Bath one said where's the soap
other said Yes doesn't it
Q: Why are Jewish men circumcised?
A: Because Jewish women won't touch anything unless it is 20% off.
Two men are walking down the street, and they see a dog licking his balls.
One of the guys says, "I really wish I could do that."
To which his friend replies, "Well, he looks like a friendly enough dog..."
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