After being shipwrecked on a desert island two guys and a girl are the only surivivors.
Since there's really nothing much to do all day besides eating and sleeping they end up just having sex.
Eventually the girls gets sick and dies. The two men don't know what to do with themselves anymore so they just keep on having sex. After a few days of sex, they both feel a huge sense of guilt about what they've been doing .........
so they bury her.
Brill
I went for a hearing test and the doctor asked me to explain the symptoms.
I said Homer is a fat yellow bloke and his wife Marge has blue hair.
I went to see a Muslim tribute band last night.
They were called “Bomb Jovi”. They were brilliant.
Their last song “Living on a Prayer Mat” almost brought the house down.
Curries and Uncles are so alike, one Dodgy one and your .... is sore for a week.
A man walks into work with two black eyes. His boss asks what happened.
The man says, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye."
"Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss asks.
"Well," the man says, "I figured she preferred it in the crack, so I pushed it back in."
I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong,
especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races, while on drugs.
When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my frigin' bike.
On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend.
He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.
I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked - ---You're supposed to turn your clock back".
The Liverpool manager flies to Kabul to watch a young Afghani play football. He is suitably impressed and arranges for the player to come over.
Two weeks later Liverpool are 2-0 down to Chelsea with only 20 minutes left. The manager gives the young Afghani striker the nod, and on he goes.
The lad is a sensation. He scores 3 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and the coach are delighted and the media love the new star.
When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.
\'Hello mum, guess what?\' he says \'I played for 20 minutes today, we were 2 - 0 down but I scored 3, they call it a hat-trick, and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the press, they all love me.
'Just wonderful, says his mum, Let me tell you about my day …
Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and assaulted, she would have been raped but for a passing police vehicle. Your brother has joined a local gang of looters and set fire to some buildings and all while you tell me that you were having a great time!!
The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say mum, but I'm really sorry.'
'Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!' says his mum,
'It's your bloody fault we came to Liverpool in the first place!
Two guys hear that there is a Deaf Allowance, so they go to the doctor to try and claim it.
The first guy goes in and says, "I'm here to get tested for the deaf allowance"
The doctor says, "Fine, just close the door behind you"
So the guy closes the door and the doctor says, "you've failed."
"What do you mean I've failed?"
"Well I told you to close the door and you did, so you heard me alright. You've failed"
The guy goes out and says to his pal, "look, whatever the doctor asks you to do, don't do it"
His pal goes in and says, "I'm here for the Deaf Allowance" and the doctor says, "Fine, just close the door behind you"
The guy replies, "no...close the f'in door yourself!"
Two Nun's in a Bath one said where's the soap
other said Yes doesn't it
Q: Why are Jewish men circumcised?
A: Because Jewish women won't touch anything unless it is 20% off.
Two men are walking down the street, and they see a dog licking his balls.
One of the guys says, "I really wish I could do that."
To which his friend replies, "Well, he looks like a friendly enough dog..."
Originally Posted by fred
-=rayna.keith=-
...When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible...
Nice work fred, very funny
Laughter is still the best medicine
Fifty Shades of Grey by Pam Ayres
The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;
T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".
Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread....
In her left she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!
Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
I am a dominator !!
Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in tra_ction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.
She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!
Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one"!!
Well readers, I can't tell no more;
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey
I really wish I knew who kicked the jack out from under the car I was working on.
The suspension is killing me.....
A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.
She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely.
At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a pay envelope - containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took
her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day to open a savings account.
At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'
'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the cashier
The little girl proudly replied, 'Yes, I worked every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike. We're building a big house'
'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'And will you be working on the house again next week?'
The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously:
'I think so. Provided those w@nkers at Jewsons deliver the f*****g bricks on time'
A dwarf couple who work in the circus are having a baby .They go to the doctors for a checkup.Doctor said what are you wanting a boy or a girl.The guy says im not really arsed as long as it fits in the canon.
I went to my next door neighbour's BBQ today"Did you bring any beer?" he asked"No," I replied "I was chilling out indoors and I couldn't be bothered to walk to the shop""You must be the laziest swine in the world" he said"Yeah" I replied "The taxi driver just told me the same thing"
Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Cokey", died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin....... They put his left leg in... and then the trouble started.
Dorothy was very upset as her husband Albert had just passed away.She goes to the mortuary to look at her dearly departed and the instant she sees him she starts wailing and crying. One of the attendants rushes up to comfort her. Through her tears she explains that she was upset because Albert was wearing a black suit and that it was his dying wish to be buried in a blue suit. The attendant apologises and explains that they always put the bodies in a black suit as a matter of course, but he'd see what he could do.The next day Dorothy returns to the mortuary to have one last moment with Albert before his funeral the following day. When the attendant pulls back the curtain, Dorothy manages to smile through her tears as Albert is now wearing a smart blue suit. She asks the attendant, "How did you manage to get hold of that beautiful blue suit?" "Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband's size was brought in and he was wearing a blue suit. His wife explained that she was very upset as he had always wanted to be buried in a black suit" the attendant replied.He continued "After that it was simply a matter of swapping the heads around"
Wicked Fred!
Sorry if all the words and sentences are all bunched up.. Im having to use a proxy server to enter this site now because it think I`m a Spammer!!When I submit copied text,thats how it comes out!!Cant seem to post pictures either...tut tut.
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