ahhhhhh i hate dis feeling,,,

[allyn]

my husband became busy,,
too busy,,
he just insert me in his busy time and make me feel guilty that anytime soon he might just get fired because of talking to me...
all i wanted is some time from him, but he seems busy with lots of things...
our arguments became nasty,,,
i dont know where he go, who is he with in his day off,,,i demanded sometimes from his day off but he said hes too busy,,,
he is with his family, with his friends but with me he is always on the run...
dont get me wrong,,i appreciate his effort but i miss him so bad that i want a unique time from him,when he is not on the run...
he cant call me coz its too expensive...he is saving money on his account so his account will look good for my visa, but he never sent me additional supporting papers...he do thing that ill only find out if i will not call and ask him what he is doing...
he said he will spend more time with me when im already there...
i dont know...
i feel alone right now,,,and with the nasty arguments we had,,i think it will be the end of our marriage...
i love my husband so much but i want to be treated as a wife...not a burden..
im his new family how come i feel im not...
i feel that something is wrong but he said that hes not cheating on me,,,one of the woman i met here advice me to trust him, but just a few hours ago he slip his word by saying he already told me what he is doing,when we havent talk, then we got nasty argument...
im scared,,and im tired,,i feel hurt in every argument we have..
i feel like i have no right to feel hurt...

i hate this feeling...


worse thing is i have no one to talk to nor to cry to...my sister says anytime soon shell put me in the mental institution coz i never stop crying alone inside the room...

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

[Mrs Daddy]

I dont know what to say to your situation allyn but I advise you to just pray for your marriage that you have to stay strong whatever circumstances might be on your way.and as well do trust him coz love based on trust

[eljean]

how long have you been married now?do u have any idea why is treating you this way?how was he b4 when you werent married yet?if you want to be enlightened up open up your eyes and heart so we can help you the best we can theres nothing wrong in telling the worse thing. In relationship you can only expect two things from it the worst and the best...


1.He hardly ever calls you, it's always you calling him .

2. When you ask when can you see him and his respone is "I'll let you know."

3.He only wants to see you when it's convenient for him.

4. You've never met any of his closest group of friends.

5. When talking about your plans for life, he never uses the term 'we'.

6.He tells you he's too busy for anything serious right now.

7.The only time he seems to be into you is after midnight.

8.Every conversation you have is always focused on him. Nothing is ever about you.

9.Every time he seems distant, he tells you he needs his space.

10.Over the course of two weeks, you call him and he NEVER calls you back. Hint: He's no longer into you, the silence says it all.

if you have all of this signs it only mean one thing that he's not ready to commit or he might be falling out of love....you know there is always will if you want things to happen and theres is so many reason to say if you dont want too......

[eljean]

Warning Signs of Bad Relationships


How often do these happen in your relationship?

SOME PEOPLE WANT TO BLAME THE INSTITUTION OF "MARRIAGE" FOR THEIR RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS. HOWEVER, SOME PEOPLE HAVE VERY HAPPY MARRIAGES, WHILE OTHERS DO NOT. THE PROBLEM LIES WITHIN THE BEHAVIOR PATTERNS OF THE PEOPLE INVOLVED.... WHETHER YOU GET MARRIED OR NOT, YOU CAN EXPERIENCE BAD RELATIONSHIPS ----

Withdrawal and avoidance - this is when one partner shows an unwillingness to get into or stay with important discussions. Withdrawal can be as obvious as getting up and leaving the room or as subtle as "turning off" or "shutting down" during an argument. Avoidance reflects the same reluctance to participate in certain discussions, with more emphasis on preventing the conversation from happening in the first place.

Invalidation - is a pattern in which one partner subtly or directly puts down the thoughts, feelings or character of the other. Sometimes such comments, intentionally or unintentionally, lower the self-esteem of the targeted person. Invalidation can take many forms. One partner says to the other that their feelings (for example: sadness and frustration) are inappropriate. Invalidation hurts. It leads naturally to covering up who you are and what you think, because it becomes just too risky to do otherwise. People naturally cover up their innermost feelings when they believe that they will be "put down.

One party wants to be "in charge" of every aspect, thought and action of the other. One party makes plans for the other without discussing it. One party attempts to control the other's values, ideas, friends, and nearly everything in life. Usually they us "degrading" and "invalidating" comments to maintain their control.

Negative interpretations - occur when one partner consistently believes that the motives of the other are more negative than is really the case. The actions of one partner are interpreted negatively and unfairly. Research tells us that people tend to see what they expect to see in others and in situations.

In distressed relationships, the partners tend to discount the positive things they see, attributing to causes such as chance rather than to any positive characteristics of the partner.

Escalation - occurs when partners negatively respond back and forth to each other, continually upping the ante so conditions get worse and worse. Partners tend to say things that threaten the very lifeblood of their relationship. Partners often try to hurt each other by hurling verbal (and sometimes physical) weapons...or in other ways, such as degrading one's favorite pet, or making foul comments about one's parents.

Chronic distortions (and lying) about important issues. Someone in the relationship cannot seem to tell the truth very often. No matter what the facts show, one partner fabricates a story about nearly any event or issue in the relationship.

The bad news is that the presence of these behaviors in a relationship can indicate that it is in danger. You should probably make some changes.

Try the Relationship Dynamics Scale to find out how you're doing with these warning signs...then learn what you can do about it with the following:

[joebloggs]

do you know any of his family, his mother, dad ,brother or sister, you can contact?, find out from them what's really going on, one way or the other end this... i'm sure they don't know whats he's doing to you. he will not be happy if you contact them, but you have a right to know what going on.. and either he stops messing you around and acts like your husband or he leaves you alone.. many years ago i went thru something similar, and my mother-in-law sorted the problem out

good luck lady..

[KeithD]

..... and my mother-in-law sorted the problem out

She punched Joe

[robeth]

Effective communication is one of the factor of a working relationship.
Were you able to express yourself well? Were you understood properly?
There are so many ways in sorting things out. And know what MATTERS to you most...and do something about it...

Then....

Have a life, develop a new skill or hobby and have your own circle of friends...

Good luck.

[Shifty-Sidney]

Hi Allyn
Whatever you do you cannot change the way your husband wants to be - only he can do that. There is an old saying...... If you love something, set it free.....if it comes back to you it is yours.... if it does not come back then it never was yours.
I know you feel helpless right now, but be brave and strong - your husband may just be having a hard time dealing with the strain of not having you with him - sometimes it is easier to think about wanting a Uk girl, but he will also realise why he choose you in the first place. Making yourself ill will not make him do anything towards you except pity! this si not the basis for a good relationship.
Calling does not cost too much - a few minutes will be the same cost as a pint of beer. Men can be strange sometimes, leave him alone and let him come back to you.
If you need to talk, you can talk to me anytime on YM if you like.
Stay strong and know that everything happens for a good reason and you will see this very soon.
God Bless you. mark

[wynna]

I think it'll be better if you give him some time to miss you instead of you chasing after him..Do something productive rather than thinking of him all the time (it'll be difficult for you but you need to do it), be calm when you're in contact with him so that you'll avoid argument. Long distance relationship is quite difficult and it needs a lot of understanding and trust.

[andypaul]

Have you asked hime about worries he may have I know my Wife was shocked how complicated life is in the UK. Work comuting to work (many take the best part of two hours to and from work thats four hours a day)
If he goes gym or trains that wil take up time. Does he have diy or repair work to do on his house or car. I was renovating my/our flat in the months running up to my wife coming over oh boy that was hard work. I knew it would be to tough to do once the wife was over and wanted it as nice as possible.
Also he maybe trying to see mates he may not see so much once your here. Are family or friends ill?

I can remeber how stressed out i was when preparing for my Wife to come over. trying to save money and sort everything else out. I was also working all the overtime i could which my Wife would say please dont do but i knew that it would help us both out in the long run.

Write a long email explaining how you feel and asking is there reasons why you seem busy?

Are you working your self or college. my wife for the last few months was just at home so time seemed to drag loads for her which made it worst. Luckily my wife had dsl and her laptop at home so she could talk to me 24/7 and quite often was waking/staying up at crazy times so we could both chat together.
We also chatted while i was working i used alpha at the time which called a local landline number here in the uk which used my mobile companies free mintues which meant the calls during the day were not to expensive.
Worth finding the cheapest telephone call method that he can use and making a regular daily or few times a week call.
It may seem tough but calling everyday for too long can cost huge amounts which may be better saved for the two of you. That was the case for me and my wife, which we both understood was the best for the both of us in the long run.

Hopefully if he gets an email from you and he can respond by email if he is busy you can both sort things out.

I hope things work out for you both

[pennybarry]

Dear Allyn,
We chatted a week ago and it was a good chat with you. Then yesterday, I thought I was chatting with you but was surprised I was chatting with your husband. Sorry but I didn't know that he can open your yahoo account. I feel he still love you and he just need time to fullfill all the requirements you need. As I told you, all you need is patience, the most important is, at the end of the time, it' will be YOU and HIM still. I can still share to you ouR chat which I copy pasted. Love can really wait, I have patiently waited my visa for 2 years. LOVE IS PATIENT AND KIND CHEER UP DEAR FRIEND!
Please try to contact me.

[ervenescence]

Allyn, long distance relationship is quite difficult especially that you already married and still apart. I know how you feeling right now, you have lots of worries and suspicious mind towards your husband. Been there, done that.
Hang on there, be patient, maybe he is just sorting some things out not just for him but for you and for the future. I tell you what, we had quite similar situation before, my husband was always busy with his work, always had an overtime. And its hard because we have this 7 or 8 hours difference in between PH and UK, so thats another issue. And sometimes whenever he got days off, we chatted but it didn't last long because he have something to do, run things out, and sometimes fell asleep because hes still recovering for a shift work. I even got jealous with his hobby...he's a bowling fanatic and once a week he has got to go to a tournament. I even asked him to chose between me and the bowling..lol, I know I was just being silly, but i was longing for him to chat with me even if its nonsense topic.
And since I been here, I realise its not really easy to be in his shoes especially that I got a job myself. I can relate of why he was acting like that..its a pressure from work and lots of bills to pay..hehe
Wait til you get here
I suggest, why don't you keep yourself busy while waiting for a visa? Look for a job? go to a gym? or anything? just be positive Allyn.

[Philip]

I think you should write a nice thought out email explaining how you feel and why you're feeling this way. Maybe also ask your husband what can you do to make things easier for him. A bit of give and take!?

I found the visa process very stressful and worrying and it was hard to switch off and find time away from all the things I needed to know, research and prepare for the application.

One of the benefits of my work is that I am finished by about 12 noon most days, this allowed me time to stay in contact with Tonet more than if I had a 9-5 job.

Something that did change during this time was my social life, I rarely went out. That was my choice though, so perhaps your husband is simply finding it difficult to balance all the things going on in his life!?

I hope things work out for you both asap!!!

[andypaul]

I think you should write a nice thought out email explaining how you feel and why you're feeling this way. Maybe also ask your husband what can you do to make things easier for him. A bit of give and take!?

I found the visa process very stressful and worrying and it was hard to switch off and find time away from all the things I needed to know, research and prepare for the application.

One of the benefits of my work is that I am finished by about 12 noon most days, this allowed me time to stay in contact with Tonet more than if I had a 9-5 job.

Something that did change during this time was my social life, I rarely went out. That was my choice though, so perhaps your husband is simply finding it difficult to balance all the things going on in his life!?

I hope things work out for you both asap!!!

Well put phillp

I think the well put emaill is vital making it clear that you are worried about the time you spend together and can you work out something. Is there anything that you can do to help him?

Many Brit blokes ( i guess blokes all around the world) want to sort out everything themselevs and not bother others with their problems.

If ways of cheap or cheaper communcation are needed the people on here are just waiting for you to post a question if none of the posts on the subject can help you

One simple way is if you are both avaiable when the other is unavaiable is to write long emails to one another ( the old fasihoned love letter no less)

[vbkelly]

hi allyn i,ve been that situation since me and my husband got married one day after the wedding he left me, but i never think that hes doing bad behind me bcoz i trust him, he sent me a a lovely messages 10x a day and i,ll texted back to him and (he) phone call twice a week...allyn you need to trust to your husband dont think negative to him, you and him are already been married instead of sending a good thoughts to him as an insperation while he is working to earn money to your future relax lang dear

[charlwill]

Almost everyone experience what you have gone through. Long distance love affair is very difficult it requires alot of understanding and trust to each other and when you're talking to him avoid arguments.Why not, try to divert you attention to something, make yourself busy.

[uli43]

Allyn, it's true that men are sometimes strange. They need time for themselves. But - but: He has to understand that you need signs. You
need to know that he cares for you. If he doesn't shows that to you, something might go wrong, or very wrong. It means he doesn't understands your needs.

I don't know how your communication is. But I think its important that you make him understand that you feel hurt - not talking about him, but about you. If he doesn't gets the message, than you have a serious problem.

Good luck!

[allyn]

hello, people,,,
thank you all for your messages...
you are all very kind and wonder full...
ms. pennybarry tank you for being very nice...your a very wonderful person, so nice to chat with you...
im glad to find this website,,,this is the only website i can breathe and meet friendly people
you all advice me from the requirement of getting a visa to my relationship problem...
again,,,you all guys are wonderful and so this site....

thank you