Help understanding my gf and also am i being naive?

[Jellodude]

Hi there,

Could i ask for some advice from you kind folk, to do with my filipino gf please?

Originally met her online but have now flown over to see her twice (from Taiwan). The second time we were pretty much a couple and i also met her family (mum and dad). I first met her online in mid January. First visit to see her was in late january (i live in Taiwan).

The thing is - a lot of the time when we speak online she always mentions her financial difficulties with her studies. She is in her 3rd year at University and she now needs to pay 17,000 pesos by 20th April or she will be chucked out of University.

She never asks me for money. She is quite poor by western standards (but rich in heart and soul ). I have met her twice so i think i know that she doesnt want me for my money...but i could be wrong...i'm sometimes too trusting of people.

Today ...online she reluctantly asked if i could pay her course fees (17,000 pesos) and she said she would pay me back. The problem is i dont have the money to pay this. I am in the process of moving back to the UK (from Taiwan) i have told her this. But i also told her that i want her to be part of my life, to visit me in the UK, and if things go well to settle here with me. I dont want to plan too far ahead as it is early days. When i was visiting we had a great time and she never talks about her money problems.

My question is - how can i help my gf with this financial situation she is in? Can you get a loan to help with paying tuition? (its a private institution not public government) It would be a shame for her to drop out of university now as she is in her 3rd year (1 more year)

[Steve.r]

So you have known her for 3 months-ish and she is asking for money already I guess run and run fast would be the right answer. Looks like she has not wasted much time in asking and right from the start she told you about her financial woes, then that should have been a warning. If I were you, because you have already told her that you can't do it, stick to it...and be strong about it. They can get money if they need it, so she will cope. Did she show you where she is studying? did you see any of her course work? are you 100% sure she is doing what she tells you she is doing? I would be very cautious, but remember, you have absolutely no responsibility for her or her family right now. Do not feel pressured into putting your hand in your pocket. If you do this now, you will be making a rod for your own back.

[Terpe]

Hello Jellodude, welcome here to the forum.

Concerning your question. Normally with online connection / relationship the golden rule is 'don't send money'

In your case you have met already and her family. On the balance of probability you should have formed an opinion.
P17k is not a big amount of money. You can quite easily decide IF you want to do it or not. I'm sure you have some way to get hold of the money.
The thing is you say you just don't have it...............so the only answer is that you just can't send it.

If you want to consider a loan, then that's leading you up another level.
No reason at all why you shouldn't want to help your gf, after all you're already considering a more serious future together.

IF you can actually get hold of the money why not pay the school fees directly? That way you know they're due and you know they've been paid.
I've done this many time with extended family members.

I should warn you though that in my case there have been times when the school knew nothing about any fees. You should be prepared for that.

Don't give away any money without knowing where it's going and why.

[Jellodude]

Hi Steve.r thanks for replying. Yeah i have seen some of her coursework so i'm pretty sure she is studying at university (she works fulltime as well). I havent actually seen the school though.

I am wondering how she managed to pay for her 1st and 2nd years of study (she is in 3rd year) because her job only pays around 7000 pesos approx per month (she told me).

[Steve.r]

Hi Steve.r thanks for replying. Yeah i have seen some of her coursework so i'm pretty sure she is studying at university (she works fulltime as well). I havent actually see the school though.

I am wondering how she managed to pay for her 1st and 2nd years of study (she is in 3rd year) because her job only pays around 7000 pesos approx per month (she told me).

Hmm... a bit fishy to me. Working 'full' time but can still go to university........ Be very careful.

[Jellodude]

Hello Jellodude, welcome here to the forum.

Concerning your question. Normally with online connection / relationship the golden rule is 'don't send money'

In your case you have met already and her family. On the balance of probability you should have formed an opinion.
P17k is not a big amount of money. You can quite easily decide IF you want to do it or not. I'm sure you have some way to get hold of the money.
The thing is you say you just don't have it...............so the only answer is that you just can't send it.

If you want to consider a loan, then that's leading you up another level.
No reason at all why you shouldn't want to help your gf, after all you're already considering a more serious future together.

IF you can actually get hold of the money why not pay the school fees directly? That way you know they're due and you know they've been paid.
I've done this many time with extended family members.

I should warn you though that in my case there have been times when the school knew nothing about any fees. You should be prepared for that.

Don't give away any money without knowing where it's going and why.

Hi, the thing is, if i say to her - ok but i want to pay the school directly - then she immediately will think i dont trust her at all and will be against it no?

At the moment there is just no chance of the money because i am moving back to the UK. In about a month's time when i am back in the UK then maybe yes i can send her money. Is there no option for her to get something like a hardship loan or financial assistance from the university or maybe another loan?

[Terpe]

Hmm... a bit fishy to me. Working 'full' time but can still go to university........ Be very careful.

The University of Life

Jellodude, what is she studying? Where?
What is her Job? Where?

[Terpe]

Hi, the thing is, if i say to her - ok but i want to pay the school directly - then she immediately will think i dont trust her at all and will be against it no?

No? Why?
Just explain that it's cheaper to pay direct that way so you avoid lots of commission charges and RoE's. Cheaper for you.
She's sure to want to help you help her right?

At the moment there is just no chance of the money because i am moving back to the UK.

Question answered then ?

Is there no option for her to get something like a hardship loan or financial assistance from the university

This is the Philippines we're talking about.

[lordna]

If she is earning 7000 monthly, then thats 84000 a year. Course fees of 17000 is only about 20% of her income. I would have thought the University would come to some arrangement for her to pay monthly. As others have said , why not contact the university yourself and offer to pay her fees but say you will do it on a monthly basis as you can't afford it any other way. She will still trust you as you have found a solution to her problem and yours. 17000 over 12 months is only 1416 and in pounds is less than £25 a month, which should be easily affordable and you don't need to take out a loan. If on the other hand the university dont know anything about her fees then you have found out its time to walk away.

[Jellodude]

ok that seems like a good idea i will ask her about this tomorrow hopefully this will work thanks

[sars_notd_virus]

At the moment there is just no chance of the money because i am moving back to the UK.

sorry , how can u give if you dont have it ?? it is simple tell her straight..its not about trust it is about honesty lol

Is there no option for her to get something like a hardship loan or financial assistance from the university or maybe another loan?

how long has she been working??If she is a certified member of Social Security System and been contributing for years then she is qualified to apply for a Salary Loan.
check the link:
http://www.home-harbor.com/index.php/public-home/2338

[Ako Si Jamie]

Don't give her any money for now. Say no then monitor her behaviour. Does she get all stroppy with you or become aloof or will she respect your decision and carry on as normal?

If it's the former she's most likely looking for a sugar daddy so dump her. If not I'd contact the uni anyway like the others said and maybe come to an arrangement BUT first of all you need to suss her out with a firm no and see how she behaves towards you for a week or two.

[junior02]

Don't be a cheap Charlie give her the 17,000..

[Steve.r]

Don't be a cheap Charlie give her the 17,000..

He doesn't have it to give. So what if she had never met him? she would have coped right?

[DaveW]

Whats her details. I'll pay it for F Sake!!

[fred]

Whats her details. I'll pay it for F Sake!!

[marga]

All i can say is be VERY careful,cos after paying her university fee,she might keep asking for more,like sick mum and dad,till all of her family members get sick.Or she has no allowance,rent for apartment.etc.......You have just known her and yet she already asked you some money
Head over heart!

[London_Manila]

Pay nothing and if you do then next month the roof will be blown off her house and she will be expecting you to pay for that as well

[malditako]

if u cannot afford to help her tell her straight...she would understand it for sure. Secondly 7000 pesos a month is too low for a months salary i remember that was salary my in phils 15 years ago and still struggling lol. So its probably more or less break-even or not enough to pay her daily expenses. And third dont worry too much that she's taking advantage of you just b'coz you're a westener. Even filipino boys do give money to their gf so its no difference at all. Most of my cousin are all males and i tell you their gf knows their finances rather than their mom.

[alan_macd]

Most universities have their summer break right now so I'd ask her about this. Maybe it's about enrollment for next academic year. I'd certainly ask to see a bill.

I'd also not send her anything directly. If you are able to help her then I'd only do it through the university.

[Jellodude]

Small update. Well she never mentioned the money again. I am helping her with her coursework (she works and studies so its quite stressful for her).

Things seem to be going ok Once i get a job here in UK i will be able to send something.

But as soon as possible i want her to visit me in UK (so i have been reading up on the best hassle free way to do that )

[Jellodude]

Hi there i wondered if someone can advise me if im the one being unreasonable in this situation:


Anyway ive been getting on well with the gf - we have to use skype and YM to communicate.

So yesterday we had a very long conversation (which is fine by me) that was about 4 or 5 hours. I told her i was going out and was also going to try finish editing her resume so said goodnight and all ok.

Next day we are talking and getting on well...she tells me some things she has kept to herself because she has been too embarrassed (family stuff) to tell me before. I'm happy she is comfortable with telling me this stuff and i try to be supportive.

Anyway she asks what i did the day before and i say i went out for a walk around the town (its a small town). She then asked me what time was this. I say it was after our conversation yesterday.

She then says why i go walking round the town and not finish editing her resume :(

So it seems she was accusing me of not bothering with doing her resume and just walking around town when i had said to her the previous day i would do the resume.


I feel a bit harassed at this because i feel a bit unappreciated as im trying to help her but she has a go at me for going for a walk when i guess i shouldve been working away on her resume..

This started a big argument where i unfortunately mention i thought she was being a bit controlling as i got the impression she was trying to tell me what to do..

She also drops into the argument stuff like

"okay i know you need to go u had lots of stuff to do sorry for spending ur hour talking to me i thought ur happy talking to me i thought too u miss me sorry to disturb you"


and

"dont worry i never ever disturb you sorry for the time that i ask for u to chat to me sorry!"

which i find bizarre as i tell her all the time i miss her and we always try to speak every single day. Okay we sometimes miss each other online because she is online at 7am uk time and i would be on later. She always says "u never online"

i find it hurtful that she would suggest i dont care or i dont want to talk to her....

just feels to me like emotional manipulation albeit she doesnt intend to do it i hope. I acknowledge that i felt harassed and felt she was accusing me. She just lost it she then goes on to say shes crying that she doesnt know me...that where is her wonderful bf...that could i leave and bring back her loving bf etc

When i offer hugs and try to be concilitary she says back she doesnt hug strangers.... she doesnt know who i am :(

Basically stuff like that whilst i am trying to be calm and rational and explain why i felt accussed and harassed...perhaps i was being over sensitive but i think she was as well.

Trying to see it from her side she maybe got so annoyed because i said yesterday i would try and finish her resume yesterday but of course today comes and i havent finished it. This has really made her that mad?

So conversation ended with no resolution really. I need to have a think about this relationship.

[bhem_bhem]

Woman eh! Living in a fantasy world, expects a man will drop everything just for her.

She's saying that coz she wants u to feel guilty for making her feel like she's isnt ur priority. Women can be manipulative which I'm pretty sure you are aware of. Harsh but true.

[Steve.r]

Honestly...... if you are having problems now...... can you see it getting better in the future???

I think she is being very unreasonable and immature, it is not you. She does not know what your life is like in the UK, maybe she is just very insecure, but do not get trapped into a relationship with a control freak. I would run now and save yourself

[London_Manila]

I think you need to take control of the present situation
Its not all about her and what only she wants

Sounds like she in very immature anyway with her silly comments

I always found that some woman will act as badly as you let them

I would put it to her straight = do you want to be in a relationship with me or not

[Steve.r]

I think you need to take control of the present situation
Its not all about her and what only she wants

Sounds like she in very immature anyway with her silly comments

I always found that some woman will act as badly as you let them

I would put it to her straight = do you want to be in a relationship with me or not

I think this is the very first post I 100% agree with you LM

[Dedworth]

Good point LM she needs telling to shape up or ship out

[grahamw48]

Plenty of fish in the sea.

Sounding more and more like a train wreck to me.

[sars_notd_virus]

Hi there i wondered if someone can advise me if im the one being unreasonable in this situation:


Anyway ive been getting on well with the gf - we have to use skype and YM to communicate.

So yesterday we had a very long conversation (which is fine by me) that was about 4 or 5 hours. I told her i was going out and was also going to try finish editing her resume so said goodnight and all ok.

Next day we are talking and getting on well...she tells me some things she has kept to herself because she has been too embarrassed (family stuff) to tell me before. I'm happy she is comfortable with telling me this stuff and i try to be supportive.

Anyway she asks what i did the day before and i say i went out for a walk around the town (its a small town). She then asked me what time was this. I say it was after our conversation yesterday.

She then says why i go walking round the town and not finish editing her resume :(

So it seems she was accusing me of not bothering with doing her resume and just walking around town when i had said to her the previous day i would do the resume.


I feel a bit harassed at this because i feel a bit unappreciated as im trying to help her but she has a go at me for going for a walk when i guess i shouldve been working away on her resume..

This started a big argument where i unfortunately mention i thought she was being a bit controlling as i got the impression she was trying to tell me what to do..

She also drops into the argument stuff like

"okay i know you need to go u had lots of stuff to do sorry for spending ur hour talking to me i thought ur happy talking to me i thought too u miss me sorry to disturb you"


and

"dont worry i never ever disturb you sorry for the time that i ask for u to chat to me sorry!"

which i find bizarre as i tell her all the time i miss her and we always try to speak every single day. Okay we sometimes miss each other online because she is online at 7am uk time and i would be on later. She always says "u never online"

i find it hurtful that she would suggest i dont care or i dont want to talk to her....

just feels to me like emotional manipulation albeit she doesnt intend to do it i hope. I acknowledge that i felt harassed and felt she was accusing me. She just lost it she then goes on to say shes crying that she doesnt know me...that where is her wonderful bf...that could i leave and bring back her loving bf etc

When i offer hugs and try to be concilitary she says back she doesnt hug strangers.... she doesnt know who i am :(

Basically stuff like that whilst i am trying to be calm and rational and explain why i felt accussed and harassed...perhaps i was being over sensitive but i think she was as well.

Trying to see it from her side she maybe got so annoyed because i said yesterday i would try and finish her resume yesterday but of course today comes and i havent finished it. This has really made her that mad?

So conversation ended with no resolution really. I need to have a think about this relationship.

Long distance relationship is not easy, a lot of us here have been there...petty quarrels and arguments is a No! No! (waste of life), ...its ok to argue when you can hug each other in real but if you are far and away you can only hug your laptop or your camera doesnt make sense really
My advice?? If you are both unhappy now then call it a day.(it will save you both a heartache and an expensive electric/ telephone bill)

[gWaPito]

Good point LM she needs telling to shape up or ship out

Looks like you found yourself a loony tune, unfortunately the Internet dating game is peppered with them.

As most has said on here. .knock it into touch.

She's like that now, imagine what she going to be like here in UK. ..really, it doesn't bear thinking about. Life's tough enough as it is without adding to it.

Good luck.