My wife wants me to leave our home.

[gWaPito]

why she wants you to leave home?...there must be a reason and that u need to sort out. I dont know you nor your wife...but as u said this is your third marriage it seems that you can't hold and keep a marriage or just not lucky enough with the ladies you go into. Maybe u need to reflect as well what have been wrong. Either way I hope things get better for both of you and for whats good with your kids. Drama and frequent fights in the house sounds not right for children.

You haven't read all the posts so I'll put my 3 marriages into perspective for you.

I was with my first wife for 27 years. We met at high school. .she became pregnant at 18yo i was 20...like you do, we married. .we had nothing. .we started from nothing. .18 months later we had our Daughter. .life still tough for us but we were happy. .we had our ups and downs like every normal marriage does. ...the kids grew up just fine. .both have professional jobs. .they are doing very well. ..as for us, we built up from a council house to a £350,000...we had a European American and a Caribbean holiday most years. .the reason we broke up was because of infidelity. We are all on talking terms. .much so, my daughter and ex wife have offered me roofs with their partners blessings. .put simply, if I was such a bad man, they wouldn't give me the time of day.

My second marriage foolishly came close after my first. .i married a Filipina I met on filipinaheart.com ....she left me after 10 months of being here in UK. .she was young and wanted excitement. .unfortunately I couldn't provide the excitement she wanted.
She left me in the June The same day my dad had a heart attack and died. On her departure from our house she poured nail varnish over the the place. .like I said, this was done in the afternoon of the morning of my Dad dying.

Again, I rushed into another relationship with another Filipina on the same website. .and found Jane. .This I will start our story. ..in the meantime, I know some of you guys are missing your girls like mad and are maybe having difficulties getting your partner because of funding. ..let me tell you, it's not, especially in my case to have funds. Look at the mess I've gotten myself into all because of my immense stupidity and being able to get what I want, when i want.
Before both my wives came here, our relationships were never tested. .unlike you guys that are struggling with visa issues. .we never had any of that.

I must work now. ..I'll continue this sorry state of affairs later in the day.

Cheers
Mark

[Janedan0913]

well, dont move out. In the Philippine law, the children will stay with their mother up to the age years old. When they are old enough to decide to whom they want to stay with, then they have the freedom to live with their mum or dad. If she continues to be like that, then let her move out and let the kids stay. I know you are in a hard situation, but i think if she doesnt want to talk about the problem then there's no point of staying together. Unless she fancy someone and just blaming on you talking to females here in the forum. I know this is a friendly forum, but we are entitled to give our opinions and advice to other people. It is up to the person if they will accept it or not. I feel sorry for you. Remember, you are in UK, and you have all the rights to your children. As long as you are not doing anything wrong, then you have all the rights to stay. All of us are here to help and give you advice. Please try to be strong and if you have any problems, just feel free to ask any advice. I dont want you to add up to the patients who end up having depression in the end due to separation or domestic violence.We have lots of patients like that who end up in Pennine care. I hope I have enlightened you a bit. Just always love your kids and be patient to your wife.

[Arthur Little]

I hope I have enlightened you a bit.

... a very perceptive and well~thought~out response, Jane ... I'm sure Mark will greatly appreciate your kind words of encouragement.

[gWaPito]

well, dont move out. In the Philippine law, the children will stay with their mother up to the age years old. When they are old enough to decide to whom they want to stay with, then they have the freedom to live with their mum or dad. If she continues to be like that, then let her move out and let the kids stay. I know you are in a hard situation, but i think if she doesnt want to talk about the problem then there's no point of staying together. Unless she fancy someone and just blaming on you talking to females here in the forum. I know this is a friendly forum, but we are entitled to give our opinions and advice to other people. It is up to the person if they will accept it or not. I feel sorry for you. Remember, you are in UK, and you have all the rights to your children. As long as you are not doing anything wrong, then you have all the rights to stay. All of us are here to help and give you advice. Please try to be strong and if you have any problems, just feel free to ask any advice. I dont want you to add up to the patients who end up having depression in the end due to separation or domestic violence.We have lots of patients like that who end up in Pennine care. I hope I have enlightened you a bit. Just always love your kids and be patient to your wife.

Hi Jane.
Thank you for taking the time to post, I really appreciate it.

I've said to my wife, if you want to go then please go. ..the trouble is Jane, she won't leave without our boys. ..This is how selfish she appears to be. ..she would rather take our 1 and 2yo boys from a familiar safe loving environment with all their toys etc to one that would be totally the opposite with, in our boys eyes, a total stranger. .the thought sends me cold.
So the pressure is on me to get out otherwise this is what she is going to do.
I dread going home from work in case she's ran with our boys.
I know we have laws here protecting both parents giving both parties rights to visitation etc. ...I know my wife won't allow this, no matter what the law says.

All this is purely out of spite. .I've got no idea why she wants to hurt me so much. What sort of Mother would want to deprive the love of father and his Sons. .pure evil.

We are not fighting shouting or screaming at each other, let alone in front of the boys. .a ridiculous notion. The boys remain happy and contented.

For me, its a struggle. .I work late into the night so I don't come downstairs until 10am..I prepare for work and leave around 10.30...the boys normally take shower at 10 so as i walk down the stairs Mother and Mother in law pick boys up. .nothing wrong in that.
What is wrong is that the wife gathers up the youngest before he can get to me so I can't kiss and cuddle him. .same for our eldest boy. .such a rush to get him from my arms. ..she won't let me get close to them! !!!!
I was thinking may be it would be a good idea to leave, at least I'll have rights to have them. ...then again this is my wife, she would never let it happen.
I'm in a lose lose situation.
I'm praying for divine intervention. .literally I am. ..it's all I've got.

Cheers
Mark

[grahamw48]

DON'T leave.

You will regret it.

[gWaPito]

DON'T leave.

You will regret it.

Graham, I'll give you an ldea of what I'm up against.
I said to her 'whoever you got Jane, you better make sure he has money' she answered 'why, you will be looking after me because if you don't, the boys will suffer' which not only tells me she is evil but quite possibly she could've got in touch with an Old flame whom she was with before me. As I understand it, he was meant to have come back to Philippines but was unable because of no work etc.

Btw. ..I know of this man. .no way do i want my boys to be near him. .I can't go into why but the guy is of vile reputation. These are my options Graham. .bloody nightmare!

[tiger31]

if you leave she wins just sit it out she wants you to leave so lover boy can move in if this is the case and guess what you'll be paying her bills. listen to all of us and stay put ok

[grahamw48]

Yep, again similar to my case.

You've got to see through the pain, paranoia and craziness Mark, and consider the long term goal.

Very very hard, but can be done.

Obviously the children need to stay in this country though, and the priority has to be their welfare and (happy) future .

[fred]

Graham, I'll give you an ldea of what I'm up against.
I said to her 'whoever you got Jane, you better make sure he has money' she answered 'why, you will be looking after me because if you don't, the boys will suffer' which not only tells me she is evil but quite possibly she could of got in touch with at Old flame whom she was with before me. As I understand it, he was meant to have come back to Philippines but was unable because of no work etc.

Btw. ..I know of this man. .no way do i want my boys to be near him. .I can't go into why but the guy is of vile reputation. These are my options Graham. .bloody nightmare!

Gwaps.. If you leave,you have made good her plan.
Nothing ever good comes from a situation like this but if you leave it can only get a whole lot worse..
Do whatever you decide to do,but dont forget..You aint thinking clearly right now.. How could you be?
Dont be pressured to leave..With hindsight you may agree one day.
Too late then.

[gWaPito]

if you leave she wins just sit it out she wants you to leave so lover boy can move in if this is the case and guess what you'll be paying her bills. listen to all of us and stay put ok

Yes Tiger. ..I'm not moving. .it's just I get emotional when leaving house for work and she won't let me kisses and cuddle my babies!
My Daughter reading all this now. .she says to stay put too even though I'm welcome to stay with her and husband to be.
She says she's bluffing and she won't put babies in danger.
Thanks

[tiger31]

good i'm glad your thinkin' straight lots of us have been through this and people deal with it in different ways but most all agree that by staying put no matter how much it hurts is the only way forward in this situation if you start caving into her demands she will take you to the cleaners. now one thing I think you can do is get an injunction stopping her from taking the kids back to the philippines without your consent, this is where you need legal advice but make sure she doesn't know that you are doing it .

[Arthur Little]

Hi Jane.

We are not fighting shouting or screaming at each other, let alone in front of the boys. .a ridiculous notion. The boys remain happy and contented.

's of paramount importance!

For me, its a struggle. . *I work late into the night so I don't come downstairs until 10am..I prepare for work and leave around 10.30...

... ... perhaps *that is PART - if not at the root - of your marital troubles!

... nothing wrong in that

Hmm ... that, my friend, is where you and I would disagree! Whilst it's all very well to work hard (as you most evidently do!) in order to provide your kids with the best-possible start in their lives ... it inevitably comes at a heavy price (as you're now discovering for yourself). And it seems to me, at any rate, that that price has, over time, exacted its toll in terms of the long hours you've put into your job - stealthily eroding what began as a loving, shared partnership between you and Jane. Jane, don't forget, has been the person left alone in the house (your mother-in-law's current presence excepted) to cope with the constant demands of two toddlers - born within as many years of one another - all the while. How do you imagine she feels about her husband seldom being around to share her emotional needs as a wife and mother because of the erratic exigencies of his work schedule?

Think about it, Mark ... where's the point in scrimping and saving to maintain a house valued at £350K? Surely it would be worth downsizing materialistically [including earnings' wise] for
the sake of preserving the wellbeing of your marriage!

[gWaPito]

's of paramount importance!



... ... perhaps *that is PART - if not at the root - of your marital troubles!



Hmm ... that, my friend, is where you and I would disagree! Whilst it's all very well to work hard (as you most evidently do!) in order to provide your kids with the best-possible start in their lives ... it inevitably comes at a heavy price (as you're now discovering for yourself). And it seems to me, at any rate, that that price has, over time, exacted its toll in terms of the long hours you've put into your job - stealthily eroding what began as a loving, shared partnership between you and Jane. Jane, don't forget, has been the person left alone in the house (your mother-in-law's current presence excepted) to cope with the constant demands of two toddlers - born within as many years of one another - all the while. How do you imagine she feels about her husband seldom being around to share her emotional needs as a wife and mother because of the erratic exigencies of his work schedule?

Think about it, Mark ... where's the point in scrimping and saving to maintain a house valued at £350K? Surely it would be worth downsizing materialistically [including earnings' wise] for
the sake of preserving the wellbeing of your marriage!

Just a quick one Arthur. .still busy here. .I don't have the big house any more. ..that got sold with the divorce of my first wife. ...I only mentioned all that stuff because it was implied I had issues with women because I'd been married 3 times.
Im currently living in a 2 bed terrace worth £130000 on a interest only mortgage. ...I'm presently pot less Arthur. .financially this is what's all this has cost me.

Yes, I can hear the choir. ...oh happy days oh, happy days

The purpose I'm working like this is to save for a mortgage on a 3 bed house when my credit rating has cleared up in November this year. ..we want to get the new house and settled in before James starts mainstream school in 2 years time.
Cheers Arthur

Btw. ..I bought myself some night time reading. ...'Proof of Heaven' by Dr Eben Alexander.
Not sure it was a wise move considering my world is crashing around my ears.

Still, I'll let you know if it's any good.

[Arthur Little]

Thanks so much for the rep you gave me earlier, Mark ... especially at such an incredibly stressful juncture.

Can I just add that, even though I haven't yet had the pleasure
of meeting you personally, my intuition tells me you're a decent,
family~orientated bloke whose overriding concern has always been/will continue to be for his loved ones, come what may.

Therefore, I wouldn't want my previous post to give you the impression I'm "taking sides" when, in fact it is purely intended as "food for thought".

[stevewool]

have you seen a solicitor yet, and have you told him what your fears are about the children, its ok you saying that your partner wont agree with anything the courts or you both agree with, but she will have to, remember you have rights too, stick with what you are wanting and if its right the law and the people will be behind you 100%,
some of us have been in the same place as you are and its frightening you dont know what to do or where to turn, its great us giving advice on how we got through it and we did but in the end its the courts and the solicitors that are there to help you both,

[gWaPito]

Thanks so much for the rep you gave me earlier, Mark ... especially at such an incredibly stressful juncture.

Can I just add that, even though I haven't yet had the pleasure
of meeting you personally, my intuition tells me you're a decent, family~orientated bloke whose overriding concern has always been/will continue to be for his loved ones, come what may.

Therefore, I wouldn't want my previous post to give you the impression I'm "taking sides" when, in fact it is purely intended as "food for thought".

Cheers Arthur. ..I know you mean well, that's why I said what I said in my last post here.

Just giving you the picture here. On that note I hear some saying, no wonder she wants out what the point of staying with an old geezer if he hasn't got a pot to pee in.
You see, this is what proper married couples do. .we work it out which is what we did. .plan was in place. .I'm still on good money so no change there. .it's just saving for our goal, namely x amount for a deposit next spring. .we know how much. .all perfectly achievable.
Arthur. .This has nothing to do with our problems. .

Cheers Arthur

[Michael Parnham]

Stay where you are, if she's got someone else everything will be in your favour, DON'T MOVE!

[bigmarco]

I think you need to slow down brother and have a bit of Mark time. Forget the plans for the time being as they are clearly not on her mind.
You need to take your foot off the gas and sit back and get your head straight about what's best for you and the boys. You've got some serious going on in your life and it cant be good taking this to work everyday. You could have an accident.
Mark I don't know a lot about your work situation but if you were in my Job I could easily get you at least a few weeks off to try and deal with some of this and perhaps some counselling to help you.
Anybody you can talk to at work ?

[grahamw48]

Good point Marco.

Only 2 years ago my work colleague and friend, 35 years old and a really lovely guy, drove his car into a tree not too far from where I live. It burst into flames and even if he'd survived the impact, he was burned beyond recognition.

He'd been having lots of problems getting proper access to his young son, and it was clearly causing him an enormous amount of mental anguish.

His death came as a great shock to me personally, and of course to all his other friends and workmates. Very very upsetting for all concerned, and now that sweet little child who he so worshipped is without a father.

It pains me to think about it now. If only we'd spoken on the phone that evening, or gone out for a drink TOGETHER.

[gWaPito]

Gwaps.. If you leave,you have made good her plan.
Nothing ever good comes from a situation like this but if you leave it can only get a whole lot worse..
Do whatever you decide to do,but dont forget..You aint thinking clearly right now.. How could you be?
Dont be pressured to leave..With hindsight you may agree one day.
Too late then.

Thanks Fred. .you are right of course. .I've calmed down down. .appreciate your understanding
Cheers
Mark

[imagine]

i dont think legally a parent can take the children out of the country where a marrage has broken down, without the permision of the other parent, i would think you could get a court order on that if it is your fear, ask a solicitor

[gWaPito]

I think you need to slow down brother and have a bit of Mark time. Forget the plans for the time being as they are clearly not on her mind.
You need to take your foot off the gas and sit back and get your head straight about what's best for you and the boys. You've got some serious going on in your life and it cant be good taking this to work everyday. You could have an accident.
Mark I don't know a lot about your work situation but if you were in my Job I could easily get you at least a few weeks off to try and deal with some of this and perhaps some counselling to help you.
Anybody you can talk to at work ?

Thanks bigmarco. ..there are no plans for the house, Marco. .that's all out the window. ..I was explaining what the plan was.
We have a works hot line for employees with troubles. .it goes to a central office so all is supposed to stay within 4 walls. I don't want to involve work Marco. .they know of what's going on. .I owe them at least that..they've been good to me. ..especially when I first hooked up with Jane in the January for a 3 week holiday and I didn't return to work until April...they could of fired me.
What do I do if I'm not working Marco? If I go to mum's all I get is. ..'you lost all that money....how the mighty have fallen' blah blah blah. ...then she tells me, it's alright Mark, it'll sort itself out. .does my head in! ...go to see my ex wife and her boyfriend ...I don't think so. .honestly, how sad is this. ..all I got is work and you guys. ..it's a fifty minute drive to work from my house. ..that's spent bawling like a pathetic baby all the way there coz that effing cow won't let me get close to my babies.
Never in a million years did I ever think I'd be stupid, sad and lonely enough to get mixed up with someone like this.
I used to be such a proud man. .I was self confident...even family came to me for advice about money. ..I've totally screwed up everything.
Don't worry Marco. .im a professional, the boys will need me, will need them. I won't mess this job up. ...I save all the outpouring for back and forth to work. I'm looking after myself. .. I intend being around for many years yet Marco.
My Daughter Emma says come dad, you can become what you once was. ..it's just I crumple when I think of my babies. .God, I'm typing this now upset ...still, it's good I'm told, good to talk and get it off my chest. ..no more isolation, ever!

[gWaPito]

Good point Marco.

Only 2 years ago my work colleague and friend, 35 years old and a really lovely guy, drove his car into a tree not too far from where I live. It burst into flames and even if he'd survived the impact, he was burned beyond recognition.

He'd been having lots of problems getting proper access to his young son, and it was clearly causing him an enormous amount of mental anguish.

His death came as a great shock to me personally, and of course to all his other friends and workmates. Very very upsetting for all concerned, and now that sweet little child who he so worshipped is without a father.

It pains me to think about it now. If only we'd spoken on the phone that evening, or gone out for a drink TOGETHER.

I remember the night you told us Graham. .as if it was yesterday. Absolute shocker.

[Ako Si Jamie]

Found a few sites that may help too Mark

http://www.dad.info/dad-talk-forum

http://www.separateddads.co.uk/

[gWaPito]

Found a few sites that may help too Mark

http://www.dad.info/dad-talk-forum

http://www.separateddads.co.uk/

Thanks Jamie. .i appreciate your help. .I'm trying so hard to get my head around all this. ..even though I knew for a long time things weren't right. .nothing can prepare you for this.

[junior02]

Thanks Jamie. .i appreciate your help. .I'm trying so hard to get my head around all this. ..even though I knew for a long time things weren't right. .nothing can prepare you for this.

Sorry to read your about your situation. Just wondered did things start going wrong when your mother in law arrived, when I lived in rp with wife she was nightmare sometimes as she always had mother to run to, she use to make up all sorts of bull to cause argument she wanted me to leave many times I NEVER DID ONCE, since bringing her to uk and away from her family she is ok now. This is hard to understand but true what you have to remember is if a foreigner marries Filipino, the Filipino family come 1st the kids we have with them 2nd and their foreign husband LAST.. also they are jealous drama queens.. Just stick in there..

[gWaPito]

Sorry to read your about your situation. Just wondered did things start going wrong when your mother in law arrived, when I lived in rp with wife she was nightmare sometimes as she always had mother to run to, she use to make up all sorts of bull to cause argument she wanted me to leave many times I NEVER DID ONCE, since bringing her to uk and away from her family she is ok now. This is hard to understand but true what you have to remember is if a foreigner marries Filipino, the Filipino family come 1st the kids we have with them 2nd and their foreign husband LAST.. also they are jealous drama queens.. Just stick in there..

Hello Junior,
Thank you for taking the trouble to share.
It's good to see you are still around on here.
Since Mother in law has been here it's been a whole lot better. ..she does so much. .even in times of trouble, things still need to be done around the house. .especially with our boys in the house, normality and routine is key.
On the contrary Junior, Mother in law is worth her weight in gold. ..hence my anxiety for when she has to leave August 14.
I understand about 'normal' jealously Junior. ..even though I hate that emotion, what I'm experiencing goes beyond all of that. ..I could give you a catalogue of instances of insane jealously that I experience that would make your teeth curl.
This has nothing to do with the Filipino mindset.
Cheers Junior

Mark.
Btw...I didn't get to see my boys again today, let alone kiss them. ...she took them out.
At least I wasn't bad mouthed. .I feel good about that.
I find this bad mouthing destroys the soul. ..it does mine.

Have a good day all...the sun is shining

[gWaPito]

Good point Marco.

Only 2 years ago my work colleague and friend, 35 years old and a really lovely guy, drove his car into a tree not too far from where I live. It burst into flames and even if he'd survived the impact, he was burned beyond recognition.

He'd been having lots of problems getting proper access to his young son, and it was clearly causing him an enormous amount of mental anguish.

His death came as a great shock to me personally, and of course to all his other friends and workmates. Very very upsetting for all concerned, and now that sweet little child who he so worshipped is without a father.

It pains me to think about it now. If only we'd spoken on the phone that evening, or gone out for a drink TOGETHER.

This is what concerns me, getting proper access. ..I know her, she will do all she can to keep them from me. I know there are laws but believe me, that will make no difference. ..yes, eventually she will have to obey but how long will that take. .it takes ages, in the meantime I'm going off my head and the witch loving it. .These types don't want closure and still waters. .isolation and destroy. .natural born predators.

[stevewool]

you as a parent has every right to see your children when it suits the children and yourself, we all have experienced bad times, it took me a very long time to get things sorted with myself and the kids, my ex would let me see them when she needed to go out so in other words a free baby sitter, but as long as you write every little thing down and keep a record that will hold you in good stead for when the courts decide if you both cannot do that yourself, its hard but the best thing is to keep busy yourself

[highlander01]

Best of luck. It must be a nightmare when things go toxic like your situation. Hopefully in time things will settle down a bit.