Problem about my mother-in-law

[gecko_pikachu]

I have already mentioned some of my dilemma here in the forum before & now, it's gone worse. I don't know what I'm going to do at this time. I'm so confused. Please help me find the right answer... help me sort out my life.

I'm currently reading about Mom Forum- mother in laws (problems regarding MIL) & I just can't believed that some had the same problem with MIL like I do...

My husband is the youngest & he's always living with his mother. I came here in England to marry him & supposed to start a family of our own but that's not the case. We've been married for over a year now & have a lovely little baby boy. I admit that she's very good to my son, buying him everything that he needs.. from baby foods to clothes.. as in everything. She's even buying things for me. I really appreciate that a lot. I'm a quiet type of a person, no complains you can hear from me not until the other night that I feel like I have the right to say something then. The problem on me is that I'm very emotional person & sensitive. You can tell if I'm not happy or feeling depressed. I wish I could just tell her exactly the way I feel at times. Believe me I have a few times, but I really try to stay quiet because it is my husband's mother. My husband always sticks up for his mom so it does no good for me to ask him about the way i feel before. That's why I'm always upset, crying on my own.

My mother-in-law & I get along so well at first. There's no problem on me eventhough she always henpecks me, telling me what to do. They're a bit conservative type. All her children obeying her all the time. Never in their life that they disagreed with their mother. She is also one of the mothers that is so controlling at times I feel like there are things I can't do. Why? Because she's always telling me what to do & what's not. It's like I'm not always doing the right thing in this house & considers herself as perfect all the time. She's telling me what to do with my baby all the time & that's making me sick. I supposed to be the mother.. not her & when you won't follow her, she starts saying all her difficulties in life raising up her brothers & sisters during her time, so I feel guilty then. She is so controlling. She is an "I told you so" type of person who does not care about your feelings, only that SHE is ALWAYS right and you are just a fool for thinking the way that you do.

I'm personally fed up the other night after she came in right through our bedroom & starts making comments about what I did on the cot, the baby's little cushion & the heater. She critizes everything. How do you get along with someone like her? That's why I really wanted to rent my own place when I start working & live there with my baby but my husband don't like that decision. He's seeing me going out with another man then. We have 2 nights argument when MIL made a decision to just move to her other son married to other Filipino wife, they have a daughter. They're living not far from here. I know it's my fault, I ruined her realationship with my husband but I can't bear to live with her forever. I can't stand that. I'm ashamed of myself now about what I did... I don't know that speaking out about her made everyone mad alright. They said MIL just trying her best to help me, how about me?????

Thanks for listening.

[Admin]

I don't like to think that any of the beautiful Filipino's in this country of our are having private tears.

She sounds like a relation of my mother....I can't do anything right, and the wife just keeps quiet. I answer my mother back, or point out she's wrong, and she goes off on one. She's getting worse with age. Maybe we could swap them!!!

First of all, it's your life & the babies, your the mother so do what you know is best, regardles of what Voodoo Mother says. It's usually better to agree with these people, and then go off and do something different. If they find out and have a go at you, just agree again as this is what she want to hear, then when she shuts up, forget everything she said.

The problem is she is controlling you, this is what you mind says. However that is negative thought, and you first need to reverse this. By doing the above, this puts you in control. Your fooling HER into thinking she's the boss, when you know full well that you are, but she is to dumb to realise.

I have to change the way people think in order to turn them from losers into professional gamblers on my other site, and it's all how the individual views the World, not what is happening around them.

Your problem is you view others as controlling your life, where in reality you control your own life, and the babies, regardless of what ANYONE else does or says.

On way of changing your mind is rollplay to see what happens, you can use the baby for this. Talk to the babs as if it was your Voodoo Mother-in-law, run her mythical answers through your head, and see where your 'two' way conversation goes. After a few days of this you will have been through plenty of scenarios and you will see things clearer.

This may now sound stupid, but one of the best ways is to mentally belittle the person you want to show yourself as being better than. Now I'm serious here. When your on your own, lie down flat in a darkened room & relax.Clear your mind so it''s completely black, then bring in the mother-in-law into your mind. Your in control, so have her stand in front of you doing, saying nothing. Hold that thought. (this next bit is honestly serious and works).......In your mind give her one hell of a hard & fast backhanded slap so her head flies clean off and vanishes in the darkness......then reach down to your feet and pick up the cooked pigs head with an apple in it's mouth and stick it on the mother-in-laws shoulders.........hold that picture in your mind.......now walk around her laughing at her new head and how 'wonderful' she looks, and lock that thought of laughte and the mother-in-law with pigs head in your mind.

You repeat this exercise until every time you see her, all you see is a pig with an apple in it's mouth.

This DOES work, and will give you control in the way that you will then see her as nothing more than fool. :P

As for your husband, if the idiot can't see his beautiful wife is upset, then he needs to wake up and smell the roses.

Give this a read as well.... http://www.pioneerthinking.com/ej_assertive.html

You know.....that's the longest I've ever been serious on this forum!!!

[gecko_pikachu]

Thanks a lot for the great help... to admin & Kentish as well who took there time giving me good advice. I'd like to listen more of anyone who wants to give me a piece of advice in the future. I am calmer now than yesterday... I am more confident of myself now & have a great peace of mind.

Thanks very much as well admin for this weblink: http://www.pioneerthinking.com/ej_assertive.html

That's right, I'm just being assertive & I think that it's just right to be more assertive in life so nobody won't treat you so badly. According to http://www.pioneerthinking.com/ej_assertive.html ...being assertive does not mean being aggressive. Assertive behavior is not hostile, blaming, threatening, demanding, or sarcastic. Assertiveness differs from aggression in that standing up for yourself does not trespass on the rights of others. Assertiveness means communicating what you want in a clear manner, respecting your own rights and feelings and the rights and feelings of others.

Being assertive is an honest and appropriate expression of one's feelings, opinions, and needs. Assertiveness is also often associated with positive self-esteem and a better self-image.

But that's not the way my MIL percieved me being assertive. She still insisting that she was right & says I hated her from the start... but that's not the way it is. She's just too blind to see her mistakes as well. Kentish had the same point of view from my father. I phoned up my father yesterday & he said that all of that has something to do of her age. He was just telling me to have patience & wait until I start working, earn some money & bring my mother here in England to look after my baby. I think that's a good idea in the future. I have MIL here but she's not really getting involved a lot looking after my baby. She said she's not able now... well, to tell you, my granny in the Philippines is a lot older but she's still working hard & taking care of 10 grandchildren, so...

I do now know why MIL's have to be that way like my MIL. I am dealing with a wacko.. I have been researching on the internet, and I am not the only one. There are tons of wacko MIL's out there, these boys should say that there moms are crazy way before we start coming over. Other people are right though, if your man will not stand up to her, leave him, and tell her where to go before you do..

I'd rather stay on my own, I don't care about the hardships as long as I'm happy, free, do whatever I want to do, getting up anytime of the day, watch anything that I want, cook Filipino foods, etc. etc. But I need to wake up in reality as well, that's too way impossible to do. My husband doesn't want to do that.. I think that he's just frightened not to see his mother everyday. Whatever it is, I have the right to speak out... I don't agree about my MIL or Filipino SIL (they're getting along too well because my Filipino SIL's not staying here with us) telling to me that I should be thankful living with MIL as it's hard being on my own.... ah well, they should be living together instead. If that's the case, every family should have been MIL or FIL living with them then. My mother & father survived without my granny, so why can't I? It's too ridiculous saying that. They don't know what true HARDSHIP means... if you're not free, if somebody else controlling & manipulating you all the time. I'm so bored here everyday.. I can't do anything that I want to do. They said that of course I'm free here but they will never understand what's the right word to describe how I feel staying with her. I feel that I've been trapped & there's nothing more I can do.

I just wished that MIL not staying here with us. She interferes with everything. If I have been given a chance to make just one wish.... I wouldn't think of even just one second... you know what will it be....

That's right.... going back in time & let MIL stays with my SIL hehe! That's more like it.

Thanks a lot for listening....

[Admin]

She's just too blind to see her mistakes as well

You've met my mother then? :lol:

When people annoy me, regardless whether they are pauper or King, I ask them politely to leave, if they don't I ask again, if they ignore you, the third time you stand to attention, cross you arms, stare at them, and ask them politely to leave again. Say nothing else, just stare at them until they go. You can be polite & silent in order to be assertive......and it scares the hell out of the other person as when your quiet and staring at them, they have no idea what you are thinking, or going to do next.

When they do leave, just say 'Thank you'.

Try that one.......

......oh, and this is the scouse way of dealing with your husband (scouse = person from Liverpool)......grab him by the balls, and gently squeeze. Tell him if he wants them to remain attached to him then he has to stick up for you more

[gecko_pikachu]

I can't apply that to my MIL... she's too thick. She thought she knows everything. She thought she's doing all the best. I'm pissed off. Just like this morning, she heard my baby crying & starts saying he's starving. She thought he knows my baby that well. I'm not neglecting my baby.. he's just crying because I was changing him & he hates geting change...

[gecko_pikachu]

Hello to Keith & Ping...

Thanks a lot for the great help. You're both wonderful couples! Ate Ping, salamat sa mga tawag mo skin. It's a pleasure meeting both of you, tlgang gumaan ang loob ko nang 2mawag ka skin. I just can't believed how nice you are lalo na't alam mo na ibang mga filipino d2 sa UK, akala mo kung sino, hay naku! Is it alright to get your home address??? i just want to send card this Chrismas kung pupwede.

Ate Ping, mag-oorder ako ng dried fish probably this coming week. Thanks very much for you Ate Ping & Kuya Keith... hanggang sa muli!...

God Bless you!

[ginapeterb]

Originally posted by gecko_pikachu@Nov 28 2005, 08:36 PM
Hello to Keith & Ping...

Thanks a lot for the great help. You're both wonderful couples! Ate Ping, salamat sa mga tawag mo skin. It's a pleasure meeting both of you, tlgang gumaan ang loob ko nang 2mawag ka skin. I just can't believed how nice you are lalo na't alam mo na ibang mga filipino d2 sa UK, akala mo kung sino, hay naku! Is it alright to get your home address??? i just want to send card this Chrismas kung pupwede.

Ate Ping, mag-oorder ako ng dried fish probably this coming week. Thanks very much for you Ate Ping & Kuya Keith... hanggang sa muli!...

God Bless you!

Quoted post

Kuya Keith ! heheheheheheheheheh older brother are you ??

[Admin]

I don't know :( I out it in the Spanish translator and it said I had a face like a buffalos ass :blink:

[kentish]

Originally posted by gecko_pikachu@Nov 13 2005, 01:40 PM
I can't apply that to my MIL... she's too thick. She thought she knows everything. She thought she's doing all the best. I'm pissed off. Just like this morning, she heard my baby crying & starts saying he's starving. She thought he knows my baby that well. I'm not neglecting my baby.. he's just crying because I was changing him & he hates geting change...

Quoted post

Naku Gecko mag ingat ka sa MIL mo baka mamaya tawag kaagad siya ng social service.

Hey guys nothing bad that is said. Only saying Gecko should be careful, her MIL might call the social services.

[Admin]

Don't scare the poor girl, chances of SS getting involved with anything these days is close to zero, and you honestly think she'd do something to have her grand kid taken away?

I got done by the SS in the early 90's, havin 'beaten the crap' out of my own son, it took 6 months to prove that the person who actually done it worked in the nursery run by the SS :o Never got an apology, and the girl never got sacked

[kentish]

Originally posted by admin@Nov 29 2005, 01:16 PM
Don't scare the poor girl, chances of SS getting involved with anything these days is close to zero, and you honestly think she'd do something to have her grand kid taken away?

Quoted post

I'm just trying to cheer Gecko, its only a joke. I do hope that she is coping well now with her MIL.
As for babies here, I hear some stories that even neighbors are very nossy that when they hear a child cries loud (which every baby does sometimes) they quickly ring whoever they can get to get involve. And that really put more pressure on the parents eventhough they are good ones.

[Admin]

We don't have babies in our village, with the average female age around 65, they're a bit past it........I hope :o

[love8888]

Originally posted by admin@Dec 3 2005, 05:23 PM
We don't have babies in our village, with the average female age around 65, they're a bit past it........I hope :o

Quoted post

Keith,


Oh! your wrong for me older people are more like a babies he he he :P

As we have so many old babies in a home care but thanks for them they help me so much for the time I am sad as you really laugh at them

[Admin]

The ones who poo in their pants and don't tell anyone for hours must be hilarious :lol:

[love8888]

Originally posted by admin@Dec 17 2005, 03:20 PM
The ones who poo in their pants and don't tell anyone for hours must be hilarious :lol:

Quoted post

Well, I'm sorry Keith for me they are not hilarious instead they are so pity as they can't do anything else and it should be they must look after by their own family or children if they got instead in a home care and sometimes no ones visiting them that they are longing for it, but I understand why they are in a home care it's because they used to it.

The funniest thing is when they are all rung the bell for emergency but then they will only ask for a packet of cigarete or sometimes ask for help and banging the table shouts for help help help police police and the other one is a bed ridden shouts that she wanted to die as she is fed up with her life,this one is so pity as she is waiting for her death really suffering no family at all ( I told her one time I wish I could give to her my life so she can extend her life and live longer) and then somebody will trapped you by asking the day and date today with a magnifying glass in every minute imagine in every minute, and the someone is saying only he's been in the toilet 6:00 am 3x,and one lady is trying to run away from the home care and many more.



You can see truth for our selves that we might be the same in the future or much more,honestly in our ccountry we don't have home care we really look after our family,love one only those unfotunate people of not having a family or relatives are can avail to go to the government home for the aged.

[Admin]

they are so pity as they can't do anything else and it should they look after by their own family or children if they got instead in a home care and sometimes no ones visiting them that they are longing for it but I understand why they are in a home care it's because they used to it.

That's the problem in this country, we treat elderly people like they are a pariah, and just in the way. Stick them in a home out the way.

I've made arrangements for my parents to live with my sister when they need help.....I just haven't told her yet! :lol:

[love8888]

Originally posted by gecko_pikachu@Nov 13 2005, 12:40 PM
I can't apply that to my MIL... she's too thick. She thought she knows everything. She thought she's doing all the best. I'm pissed off. Just like this morning, she heard my baby crying & starts saying he's starving. She thought he knows my baby that well. I'm not neglecting my baby.. he's just crying because I was changing him & he hates geting change...

Quoted post

I know your not the only one person having that kind of problem many but they surpassed it.
I know you can't apply that to your mother in law as the filipina is so much respectful when it comes to feelings and older than you specially when it comes to mother in law.

I think Venus she is quitely observing you and she knows you hates of everything she does,some people is having a "reverse psychology " the more you hate her the more she will annoy you.

How about if you reverse the situation instead you hate her just ride on of what she like but if she's not arround do your best as you know that's the right one.And if she annoyed you ignore it the more you give an attention of what shes doing the more you hate her. Just pray silently" Oh Lord forgive her she don't know what she's doing "

Or

Love her instead you hate her " Love is the greatest magic of all " I believe that even the wildest animal can be change because of love. There are so many things that it's hard to explain, other people lives on their past experience and I am quite sure that everything your mother in law did to you now is something happened to her in the past perhaps and now she's trying to do it so you can feel how cruel here world before it seems just like,its my own openion only anyway.Experiences sometime affect to everyone else specially those people that narrow minded.


"Acceptance is the key of understanding "
And if she born to be like that there's nothing you can do about it rather accept her of what she is always rembember that when you tie to your husband you tied also to your in laws weather you like it or not the problem is you are living with her it's good if you have your own at least she will not interfere on you.


Remember your now a mother too and you want all the best for your son but I know you are intelligent person and you won't immitate bad attitude.

If someone do bad to you do good for them some day if your gone they will realized how good you are Ive always applied this in every people I met.

[Pauldo]

Originally posted by love8888@Dec 27 2005, 08:30 AM
I know your not the only one person having that kind of problem many but they surpassed it.
I know you can't apply that to your mother in law as the filipina is so much respectful when it comes to feelings and older than you specially when it comes to mother in law.

I think Venus she is quitely observing you and she knows you hates of everything she does,some people is having a "reverse psychology " the more you hate her the more she will annoy you.

..........................

If someone do bad to you do good for them some day if your gone they will realized how good you are Ive always applied this in every people I met.

Quoted post

How about telling her to mind her own f***ing business and back the ...... off, before you bust her chops?

But be subtle about it

[kentish]

Originally posted by Pauldo@Dec 27 2005, 06:49 PM
How about telling her to mind her own f***ing business and back the ...... off, before you bust her chops?

But be subtle about it

Quoted post

That would be good thing to say but i guess its not that easy specially if the couple is living in her house, its like disrespecting the queen........

[truelove26]

i hope evrything is fine now...be patient...it all takes time.....you can talk to me anytime...im from northampton....as teh song says"wag kang matatakot,ipagmalaki mo,pinoy ako,pinoy tayo"
we are the best!!!