Losing interest?

[Ady]

I sometimes wonder if my girlfriend is losing interest in me. She works in an internet cafe, so I wake early before work to talk to her. Everyday we try to talk this way, but sometimes she is interrupted with her work. Really I understand that, but sometimes I get to feel paranoid - what if someone else.

On Sundays, she would go to an internet cafe to talk with me. Maybe 2 hours every Sunday - but the last 4 Sundays - she didn't come. She told me she can't afford it, even though I sent money to her. So instead I call her. I don't really send her much money, maybe 5k a month. I am guilty I don't send more, but she doesn't make me feel guilty. I just feel guilty in myself.

She sent me some pics of her birthday cards recently. And in there was an envelope Air Mail. She told me it is from her daughter, and she has no idea where her daughter got the envelope. Today, I asked her about the envelope - just dropped it into our conversation - and she said it was from her pamangkin. When challenged, she said it was a mistake when she said it was from her daughter.

I didn't react, even I felt confused about it. But instead I just stayed quiet, and left to go to work. She offered to show me the envelope tomorrow, but I said it is not necessary. But I am sitting here thinking now. And thinking about how she seldom comes to see me on Sundays, how she is always saying she is broke even I send her the equivalent of her wage (Yes I should send more, but I am saving for annulment, visa and buying a place for us one day). I love her a lot, but I am starting to feel that - if she didn't work where she can easily access the net, then it would become a big chore to see me.

She asked me to send money for her to have a connection at home - but I refused because when we meet she has lots of chatfriends, including one guy that I really hate to this day. He is the sort of guy that just adds Asian women to his friends list. Besides, I am trying on many fronts to make the way easy for her to come here.

Anyway, I just let it off my chest haha,,, I am not yet - just

[Shifty-Sidney]

Hey Ady, firstly allow me to say a very big hello to you and secondly i have been a very similar situation! I was sending money but wynn was never able to afford cafe time or sms. Can i ask - have you met in person? how long have you known her?
I am sure others on this site will also tell you that Filipina`s can sulk like no other woman on earth!

[Ady]

Hi Mark,

Hi to you too!!!

I have known her 3 years. In fact we met in September 25 2004 - so recently 3 years.

At first we just mailed each other - because I seldom went online to chat rooms. I met her playing dominoes in Yahoo lol.

But in that April we become more involved, and she would go to a cafe every Sunday before. Sometimes missing one or two weeks, at which time I would call instead.

I have met her - last June in Hong Kong. But since then, I feel that talking in the net is no longer interesting to her. I know all about sulking lol, but I haven't done much wrong lately.

We hardly ever text me, instead we just ring each other - i mean call and not answer. I call her daily in my lunch hour. And I know tomorrow she will be mad because I am going to a football game lol.

Cheers

Ady

[bigtombowski]

Ady, I'll be honest . . .

I think that there is a lot going on here that you don't know about. It seems like all the suspicions u have about her and the things that you mentioned . . . all seem to amount to you being played and possibly scammed.

1)The chatmate that you don't like . . . Im assuming that he's cruising for a nice filipina and . .. he just maybe likes your girl . . . if so then you gotta watch out for him ... grrr . .

2)The request for funds. I don't think that im wrong in saying thata true, modest, humble filipina won't ask u for dosh, she will always make it YOUR choice and YOUR own decision of your own volition . . . hmmm sounds not great . ..

3) Did she tell u she earns 5,000PHP working at internet cafe? hmmmm . . . i just happen to be in a relationship with a girl who works at an internet cafe and her salary is just more than a QUARTER of that amount . . . ok, if ur girl is in the city rather than the provinces, maybe she'd make 2,000PHP at a stretch . . . i know this one for sure lol

4) she works at internet cafe but wants u to get her access to internet at home? hmmm sounds fishy! lol

anyway
these are just my random observations . . .

i hope they don't offend ...

tom

[Ady]

Hey Tom...

To be honest, she doesn't ask for money - and it is my choice, but I always say that the money can help her come online Sunday because it is tough for me to call daily.

The original chatmate - I found out about it, just before we became official. But there was some confusion there - I thought she was my girl a long time - but she thought just friends. But she signed her mails "nagmamahal" - so I thought it is serious. Confused? Sorry lol... but when I found out I didn't mention it. Later she told me about it. The chatmate is someone I could happily beat-up, but I am not a violent person - he just irritates me. I can see his blogs and he has a huge list of Asian girls as frinds, and calls them "DEAR" - Jeez... lol. But I think she doesn't talk with him now.

About her wage - she gets 2700 every 2 weeks. She is in Davao.

Our contacts daily are this - we mail each other, we chat an hour morning my time, and I call her in the lunchtime. Maybe I gave the wrong impression about her.

She doesn't ask me for money, but she says sometimes she is broke, or she mentions she will borrow money from her mama. What is a guy supposed to do? I have known her 3 years - but the fact I know she had lots of male chatfriends before I meet her - and some during - makes me sad. This is my first relationship of any description.

[bornatbirth]

how much do u send to ur gf? 5k isnt that £5000? or £500?

have u met each other,how long have u been together or chatting?

i cant really comment on what other people do as its not my place,but if your having doubts you need to sort it out and see what shes says?
working in a internet cafe wont earn her much but how much are u sending her?
have u even met up yet?
how much do u know about her and her family,where did u first meet?

all the money i send my gf soon goes too,any money she does earn and what u send her will never be enough,its called spending it on her family lol

you really have to learn to trust her and what she says but you have to get to the truth someday!!!

[Ady]

Just 5k pesos. I am guilty it is a small amount, but I am not a huge earner. We met in Hong Kong last June, and really I trust her. But absence, distance, time apart has brought some paranoia back to my mind.

[Shifty-Sidney]

Ady - there is a very good saying....
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you then it is yours! - if not then it never was.
I think its time you sat back and did nothing - this is very hard i know. But if she truly wants you then she will do everything she can. Some of the girls on here go to extreme lengths to chat with their Bf`s.
But i really do feel for you mate - we have been in very similar situations - i am now single again but it hurt like hell to let her go (Tom! dont even mention him/her!)

[baboyako]

minimum wage is 250p/day so 5k/mo sounds right to me tom.

that said.... there will be plenty of people telling her you a are kurripot, and plenty of guys happy to spend more..

[bornatbirth]

5000 peso a month and and she earns 2700 every 2 weeks u wonder why she cant chat to u?
i dont want u beat u up over it but that doesnt go far even there,one trip to the doctors will wipe her out?

money wise shes on the limit!

there are cheaper ways to keep in contact have a look on this site?

[Ady]

Thanks for the advice guys and gals. I think maybe I didn't send enough.

[ginapeterb]

Ady, Hi mate my name is Pete, I have been following your story, and your concerns, the guys are right in one respect, yes ok you send her P5000.00 a month, and she tells you she earns around P5500.00 a month in the cafe.

So she has a combined income of P10,500 which is a good income by Filipino standards, my wife used to earn that amount in her own right as a general manager of a private clinic.

Firstly, I have a saying about internet relationships in the Philippines, and it kind of goes like this:

If you suspect things are not quite right, then your instinct is normally spot on...

Relationships over internet are frought with danger, and always will be, there are many successes, but also there are just as many failures, and its not about them being a Filipinos and you being a brit, nationality has absolutely nothing to do with it.

Personality and personal agenda has everything to do with it, the time element also gets me thinking, I assume from your comments this girl is married, and is awaiting an anulment which you say you are saving for.

The first thing is, guys get into these situations when quite frankly, there is no need to ever place yourself in it, there are literally hundreds of thousands of young ladies from Philippines who are not saddled with the baggage of having to be annuled so that you can marry them.

You love this girl. I understand that, but its been a long time you have known her by internet relationship standards, its now been 3 years, in the time you have known this lady, my wife and I met in 2003, I divorced in 2004, completed in 2005, married in 2005, and we have lived in UK for 2 years.

My point is this, she seems lethargic about communicating with you, as the other guys have said, this is a red flag, a filipina who is in love with you, will never tire of talking to you, I know some couples who spend 8 hours a day online for 2 years, that is the nature of that couples relationship.

All are different, your girl may have a new agenda you are not privvy to, I had an e mail from a young Filipino who lived on Bohol...the email said this.

Hi Pete my name is...xxxxx I have a British Boyfreind, I love him very much and we are soon to get married, he works for xxxx and I was just wondering how to get the visa for my entry to UK, I am so looking forward to coming..can you tell me the procedures.

I replied and referred her to my website.

2 months later, this lady e mailed me yet again.

Hi Pete can you advise me "My boyfriend has been made redundant, and he says he is not working right now, he says it might be months before he gets a nother job, and he says, he cannot afford to get me to UK right now, but anyway Pete, I fell out of live with him, I dont want to sound bad, but I met an American from Texas, he is really nice, and I think I love him, he is coming to see me in November, am I a bad person ?

I feel so bad Pete, but I dont love xxxx anymore, I love xxxx from Texas...
do you think that the British Embassy will tell the American embassy about my previous visa application.?

Please reply.

You see Ady...no money no honey !

Sometimes agendas are different...again i stress to you, if your radar is up and things dont seem right, your instinct is not often wrong.

Best of luck mate....dont be taken for a ride, remember there are plenty more fish in the sea....and its a very big sea !!

[Ady]

Thanks for the words Pete. I don't want to offend anyone - but I am not attracted to filipinas - I am just attracted to this girl that happens to be filipina. She makes me feel loved, but she can make me insecure too.

Maybe I am just tired of having a relationship in the net. She gave me access to her e-mails, and she gets invites from guys for certain things like dating sites. That hurts me... but she gave me access so I think it is a good sign.

One time, I was suspicious of a guy in her place in Davao. He was a friend to her sister, and worked with her sister - but used to travel home with my girlfriend. One day she didn't work on the Saturday - but she came online very late, and he came online the same time. I reacted - and he said I was unfair. She said that they were just cleaning her old house so that he could rent it and live there. I stayed away a while, and she kept calling me but I didn't answer. She mailed me and sent me messages in Yahoo.

One day (18 months ago) I logged into her Yahoo Messenger - and he left a message about how he enjoyed his time at KFC - and mahal kita. She said they never met at KFC, and she was upset. But I am mad, and I say I will call him. She gave me his number - and he said that they didn't meet. He was just playing a game. But why would he do that? And when I called her, she is in tears. I said it will be OK... but later that night I decided THE END. I called her, and I can remember her tears and cry. Even now it haunts me. I can't hurt her because I love her, but how to know if she really loves me?

Oh shoot... I have been messed around. I took her to HK in June - really she was warm and loving to me. I will go now... truthfully I have just confused myself more.

Thanks a lot guys... I mean it sincerely, but my mind is confusing everything.

[aromulus]

Yes, I can also see the red flags.

I would give her some more rope... But no money until things are clearer.
If she was coping alright before you came on the scene, stopping the 5k for a while ain't going to make much difference, or any at all.
Let her do the running and try to contact you at times.
I did leave a pc and all paraphernalia with my wife, on my second trip there, and also got her on broadband. But I was 100% sure of her love for me, and her family respect.

Welcome on board mate.

Long distance relationships are never easy, but here on this, and Peter's site you will find lots of info that might help you cope.

good luck

[andypaul]

Just 5k pesos. I am guilty it is a small amount, but I am not a huge earner. We met in Hong Kong last June, and really I trust her. But absence, distance, time apart has brought some paranoia back to my mind.

Ady 5k is a huuuuuge amount to the avg phill. Put it one way My Wife sends about 30 k plus her mum sends a smaller amount of money back home as she also works abroad. The quite a few kids are being put though school and uni (very nice ones at that), houses are being improved along with the running costs of an avg extended family being met.

I take it you have never been to phill ( hope that doesn't sound rude Ady) as you would reailse a working person would be very happy of a 5k subsidy trust me.

Like others say don't contact her for a few days or a not as much and see if she makes an effort. Thats nothing about the relationship being brit/phill just a good idea to make sure both parties feel the same.

[bornatbirth]

u know what after meeting my gf online she stopped chatting to any other guys she met online and she never as male friends even just to chat!!except her brothers and family......meaning neither should yours or anyone elses gf?

if ur gf as got a male friend,whats ur gf doing with him?mmmmmmm u really need to get that sorted,if it was me i would stop with her now!

lets put it like this if my gf introduced me to a male friend,i think bf I SAY GOODBYE!

u have to think for yourself and use some common sense,its been 3 years maybe shes getting tired of waiting and getting bored.

first up is to find out whats she doing with this guy and find out whats really going on,next tell her ur plans and make it soon but dont get mad at her,really push her until she cracks and gives u the truth!

[bigtombowski]

I think it's a bit extreme bornatbirth to say that having male friends is a red flag! lol! My girl had many male friends before i met her, and she still has them now. I like them, they are nice guys
I have female friends. Some of the closest friends i have are female ... it's not a bother.

I think when the relationship with your girl Ady gets a bit fishy with other guys is when he is collecting honeyz who all look like your gal, and when she's carrying airmail that could possibly be from this dude, or who knows!!?!

I wouldn't worry about her having friends of the other gender as i find my female friends can give me perspective on what mar is thinking, and her male friends can give her some insight into the workings of my brain! lol!

So hmmmm, i just thought i'd interject with my thoughts on this . .. but yes, Ady
I agree with what the other guys say regarding your situation . . . sight tight, keep a low profile and see what happens, and remember, we're always here for u dude.

I'd be very interested to hear what some of the girls on here think about your situation . ..


oh, ady .. . also .. when i said about her requesting money, i was just taking that from your first post . . . where you said . . .

"She asked me to send money for her to have a connection at home"

just sounds like u need to be very watchful for her and keep ur eyes open

I just hope everything works out beautifully for you mate

tom

[IanB]

"If you suspect things are not quite right, then your instinct is normally spot on..."

I do not agree. Some people are suspiscious and their girlfriend is as straight as an arrow, while others get cheated on and dont suspect a thing!

Sure, there are some red flags here, but there are also potential reasonable explanations. For example, Mae is happy to chat to me on the phone. Her cousin will not talk to her boyfriend on the phone. Why? Because she is ashamed of her poor English.

Its a horrible situation being so many miles apart, any slight change or thoughtless comment gets noticed and then you have a day or more to mull it over and worry!

I think you do need to be careful, but keep an open mind. Mark's suggestion of playing it cool for a while seems like a good idea. This time next week this will hopefully all be forgotten!

Ian (another worrier).

[bigtombowski]

and oh gosh, it's always tough because as a friend here from the forum once told me . . . although filipinas generally have good english, sometimes it's still difficult for them to communicate what they want to say to us! ... and i sometimes forget that english is a second or third language to marivic . . . and then i can look at things thru her perspecive and not just my own

just another thought for y'all

[bornatbirth]

my point is be concerned???????

and after 3 years of waiting she maybe thinking is this going anywhere?

[bigtombowski]

that is a VERY good point bornatbirth!

actually, Ady . . . how come after 3 years you're still not . .. well, engaged or something?

[fred]

A private detective might get to the bottom of things.
I suppose the problem is finding one you can trust..
And round it goes..

[les_taxi]

hey i'm in davao in jan always wanted a surveillance job!

[kimmi]

hi Ady,

first welcome to the forum and thank u for trusting us with what's bothering u right now and U are confused whether ur gf is losing interest with u now..

Let's look at the money side first..U said u are feeling guilty because u only send her 5k pesos monthly,well Peter and other friends here are right it is already a big money here in our country.thinking also that she has her own earnings which makes it 10,500 a month..

just want to ask some questions for clarifications..

1. is ur gf also supporting her family?i mean her parents or is she the bread winner in the family?
2. u also said she has a daughter, right? is that daughter already goes to school?or how old is she?
3. how is their style of living? i mean is she somebody who likes going to mall always, and who always wanted a new item..is she a big spender?or knows the budgeting?

well from that u can easily spot on how is she with money..since on ur post she is not going online for sometime because she doesn't have budget for that or hse's just making an excuse not to talk with u?well sometimes truth really hurts but it can set us free..On my experience, though I am not saying it can be applied with ur gf, I met my fiance online also and we chatted almost everyday before he goes to work and I dont have my own computer by then..Come rain or shine I made sure I am online on the time and date we decided to talk simply because I love him and my days are not complete if I wasnt talk to him..
And he is not yet sending me any monies yet the time, there are also times i got broke but u know what I do?remember, if there's a will there's a way..I have a food allowance n my work that time and I dont use that to buy food instead I make 'baon' food from our home, so to save me and then I will have an extra cash for me to be able to come online..and i did that everyday because I really love my fiance and i will do everything for us to talk online..

have u talked to her heart to heart? I mean with her guy friends..Have u told her how u feels about her guy friends?

about ur relationship, I guess she's not aware that she's having a commitment with u, or she's ur gf already..because I guess a woman who was in a relationship already doesn't look for other man, I mean she will not go out with other man alone or unless she's with some firends..

I admit long distance relationship are very hard to sustain but still If u really love the person u will do everything to make it work..U have known her for 3years and I guess there are times u have told her about ur plans since u said that u are already saving for annulment,visa fees and other things..

Ady, I guess the best thing u can do right now is to weigh things..try to analyze everything..u cannot say u love the person thats why u are being like this or being like that..there are times we also need to think about ourselves too..like some of our male friends advice here, keep an open mind and an open eyes about ur situation..

Just my two cents.

[gracia143]

Hi Ady, once again, people like you who aren't too afraid to open up is what makes this forum brilliant. The guys who've posted their replies above could be mad sometimes but they are always ready for sound advises when needed. As a member, I am just so proud of them. At the end of the day Ady, it is still you who can make the decision, we can all look at the same thing and see something totally different. And like what all the others have said, being in a relationship is tough enough and being in a long distance relationship can take loads of hard work to keep it going but if done well, it will continue to grow even over the longest distance (that is how true love is). Follow your heart Ady and God bless always.

[fred]

hey i'm in davao in jan always wanted a surveillance job!

Yeah but can we trust you??

[gracia143]

Yeah but can we trust you??

[kimmi]

its for u to find out Fred..he he he

[gracia143]

its for u to find out Fred..he he he

And round it goes

[fred]

And round it goes