If sperm is supposed to have all these anti-wrinkle properties how come my scrotum is so wrinkled I could grate cheese on it?
If sperm is supposed to have all these anti-wrinkle properties how come my scrotum is so wrinkled I could grate cheese on it?
Fingered my wife like a B@stard last night.
Phoned the police, told them she'd been shoplifting.
That Rick Astley is a right ignorant ****, he never says goodbye.
Porn Hub has pledged to plant a new tree for every hundred videos watched.
The amount of tissue paper I get through, I'm still not sure that's environmentally sustainable.
Ohhhh!!! Were havin a laugh tonight!!
Three Irishman, who all stuttered, decided to try a new speech therapist. The therapist turned out to be the most beautiful woman they had ever seen. She also had a new technique for curing the stutters.
She tells the three, "If you can say the name of the city where you where born without stuttering, you can have sex with me."
Francis goes first and says "D-d-dub-b-blin". "Sorry", says the therapist.
Sean goes next and says "B-b-belfast". "Sorry", says the therapist.
Finally, Paddy manages to get out "London", at which point the therapist takes him into the back room, where they have the best sex that Paddy ever had. As Paddy is lying there catching his breath, the therapist asks him "Well?" at which point Paddy says "D-d-derry"
Viagra is now available in powder form for your tea.
It doesn't enhance your sexual performance, but it does stop your biscuit going soft.
I Thought English jokes are dry but you know what?....much to my surprise, I'm giggling now!
At least I have done something right tonight then!!Originally Posted by aprilmaejon
I Thought English jokes are dry but you know what?....much to my surprise, I'm giggling now!
Glad you have developed a sense of British humour April!!
I arrived back at my car just as the traffic warden stuck the ticket on the windscreen 'You disgust me, you really are the lowest of the low' I said.
'I'm just doing my job' she protested.
'Just make sure my tea's on the table when I get home you fat cow' I replied.
A woman is frustrated with her love life because her husband has a massive crush on Brigitte Bardot
To win back his attentions, she goes to a tattooist to have the letters 'BB' tattooed on her boobs.
The tattooist warns her that age and gravity would probably make this unattractive later in life, and suggests the tattoo on her .... instead
She agrees, and bends over to receive a 'B' on each buttock
When her husband gets home from work that night, she greets him by turning around, bending over, and lifting her dress to expose the artwork
"What do you think?" the wife says
"Uh, who the hell is Bob?" the husband replies
My Chinese Mum bought me some sweets.
"Oh Mum, these are Haribo," I said.
"Well, if you don't like them, don't eat them," she replied.
Dildos are for pussies
4 year old joke.
My wife barely notices the racket all those vuvuzelas make throughout the World Cup matches.
She's used to hearing a tirade of horns every time she pulls out at a f*cking roundabout.
My wife and I had a huge row last night, she called me gullible and said I was "financially irresponsible."
I can't wait to see her face when I tell her I've just won the Nigerian lottery.
I think it's a tragedy that women did not serve in the front line of the armed forces a 100 years ago.
Can you imagine how clean the trenches would have been?
I'll never forget what my Dad said to me when I first left home.
"If at first you don't succeed, don't even f*cking think about moving back in here."
For a cheap laugh at your wife's expense... try slipping a party popper into her tampon box.
I had sex with my mum's sister the other day.
Just thought I'd up the Aunty.
Subway now refuse to serve ham or pork! Typical of business corporations today, they only care about prophets.
I had a large collection of Dusty Springfield books but I decided to get rid of all of them. Now, I just don't know what to do with my shelf.
A gorgeous blond enters the train car where an old man is already sitting alone. For his surprise he notices that she isn't using underwear. When she sees the old man staring at her vagina, she says:
- Do you wanna see my vagina winking?
- Ok...
And then she winks it, and says that she can do better:
- Do you wanna see it giving you a little kiss?
- Yes, yes by all means...
And the man is astonished by that feat of vaginal flexibility. The Blond getting all excited and warmed up by that exercise asks the old man:
- DO you wanna to put two fingers in it?
He replies:
- For God's sake don't tell me that your vagina can whistle too!
I had sex with my mum's sister the other day.
Just thought I'd up the Aunty.
Hahaha !
Thanks Fred.
Little Johnny asked his grandad if he (his grandad) could sound like a frog? His grandad snapped back with "yeah , sure young johnny of course I can but why do you want me to sound like a frog ?". To which Johnny replies... "because my Mum reckons when you croak she'll take us all off to disneyland" .
During a fundraising dinner speech last night, Tony Blair is said to have commented that there is a 'shortage of common sense' right now in the UK ...
at which point the people who paid £5,000 a plate for their dinner applauded in agreement.
Some good ones there Fred
Cuddly toy road rage video.. Dont miss this one!
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