Committing while head and heart pulled all over the place! Long story...

[HACHE]

Hi Guys,

Firstly, sorry this is a long thread, so I apologise now, but hey you don’t have to read it LOL, but thanks in advance for those who do take time, and especially with responses.

I’ve enjoyed the forum here and hope my contributions have helped.

I’m in a difficult position now and not sure what to do or what I am doing is really right. I have posted before about some of my experiences, but in order to be fair, I will try not to point the finger and demonise her....there's two sides to everything...but I’ll just say enough to give you an idea of the background.

I met a Pinay back in September 2011. After a few dates, we became a couple. We both fell for each other quite fast. She was a student, and in fairness she told me on our 3rd or 4th date, that she did have a son, and she was separated over ten years.

Anyway, after a very short period we experienced some “misunderstandings”....quite deep arguments/disagreements out of things or discussions that should never really have got out of hand. First one I remember clearly ( well there was one before but its too long to explain) . She asked me what I would say if she said she fell pregnant (unplanned)....I said initially I’d worry and think about the problems, about her being a student, her visa, her commitments back home to her family, basically alot of things needed to be considered before singing from the roof.

To cut a long story short, the next day, most of the afternoon was pretty unpleasant - texts, followed by skype argument going on and on. I was shocked, just tried to pass it off in the end as a crazy one off, time of the month time or whatever. I should have disengaged with hindsight but carried on fruitlessly trying to reason.

The next day when I visited, we made up and I tried to just forget a silly time. Relieved that the silly incident the day before was gone.

Over the next few months, we had similar unpleasant times, out of trivial things that should never really get so serious. I’ll try and avoid giving examples (it would be so easy but it’s only my side) but basically I felt I was being put on the defensive many times, faced with explaining things when I thought everything was right.

For example, I got into explaining why I hadn’t texted when I had got in from a night out... no big deal...i had a few drinks, forgot. All weekend it was a drama.

I got into a cycle of good wonderful times with the sweetest girl I met, followed by really deep silly arguments out of things that shouldn’t really matter.

In the background, she was having problems with her college, and this I knew was a cause of a lot of stress. I found that I was attributing a lot of problems down to her stresses.

Anyway after a few more months, I got to the point where I just had enough, and combined with some very serious work issues that needed attention, I wanted to part. I was in a lot of emotional turmoil, and I know she was and with her insecure uncertain life, and knew she was suffering too.

We ended up back together, and yeah, the cycle never really changed. Why did I stay? Why did I return? I was hooked on the sweet good girl, and tried to forget/ignore the unpleasant (and irrational) times.

When she asked about the future (which she is right to do and I confess I tried to ignore it sometimes), I did explain that while I loved her, I still had reservations, because of the crazy past events. I will be fair, she often said sorry for all of them though, but they repeated. Until I got rid of my reservations I just couldn’t commit.

She says I am holding grudges, but, I am just worried that it will always be a drama and conflict.

She is terribly desperate, but I insisted that any commitment from me out of pity/sympathy or pressurised would only lead to a short lived relief from her with me waking up resentful one day and her returning to feeling insecure.

Maybe some will consider I have led her along, but I stayed while I thought there would be a chance, but have been open with her about why I have the doubts.., I just never have managed to dispel my doubts.

Last week she said she wouldn’t stay without me committing. She left. The next day, I had some much needed time to myself in the afternoon. It was nice to be left to consider all my feelings, and try and put aside her life/troubles which cause me to feel pity...to have a clearer head. It became clear to me that while she’s around me, while her problems distort my clear thinking, I’ll never have a clear head and see things clear enough. I told her that (she texted and resumed contact which kind of bugged me)...anyway she turned up unannounced on Monday, I suggested no contact and I would see her in a week's time. Unfortunately, it seems her emotions have gotten the better of her, and I’ve been called and texted a lot, so much for leaving me space. Just after finding breathing space I am back to square one grr...

So, if you’ve not got bored, I wonder what others have experienced, if you’ve overcome similar difficulities and lived happily ever after, or you ignored your fears and lived to regret it.

Thanks.

Hache

[RickyR]

Sounds very complicated, but I will say that in my experience Filipinas are more emotionally demanding then Western woman and have some quite serious expectations. But I have also found Filipino men much more open with their emotions than us.

[stevewool]

It sounds to me that you know the answer yourself but like many before you are too nice to say so. Move on and find peace with someone that you know you want to be with

[gWaPito]

Hi Hache...sorry to read you are still suffering...At least we all know now it wasn't no LDR. You've been wd her for quite a while now. Like Steve said, you already know the answer. I can't say what I would do because I've been in a similar situation and did nothing about it Love and sensibility, in my case were way off. ...it looks as if you've seen the light well in advance. Good for you Hache.

[HACHE]

Thanks for the replies guys. (I did try earlier but mobile signal dropped just at wrong time)…..

Guess I've been going round in circles for a long time, wondering if a lot of the problems were down to her reaction to her stresses and highly sensitive nature (and me not understanding that)... Or that, in fact, it's always been a bit of a toxic relationship...
.

[gWaPito]

Thanks for the replies guys. (I did try earlier but mobile signal dropped just at wrong time)…..
Guess I've been going round in circles for a long time, wondering if a lot of the problems were down to her reaction to her stresses and highly sensitive nature (and me not understanding that)... Or that, in fact, it's always been a bit of a toxic relationship...
.

Just out of curiosity Hache. .have you asked her about previous relationships and how they panned out ?....if your answer turns out to be something like, 'they were all tossers' then that answer's your question

I know I was my wife's only long term partner

It certainly answered my question

BTW. ...' toxic relationship' ...I shall put that in my cupboard for another day ...Worth a rep

[HACHE]

Just out of curiosity Hache. .have you asked her about previous relationships and how they panned out ?....if your answer turns out to be something like, 'they were all tossers' then that answer's your question

I know I was my wife's only long term partner

It certainly answered my question

BTW. ...' toxic relationship' ...I shall put that in my cupboard for another day ...Worth a rep

She got pregnant at 15. and reluctantly married a few years later after pressure from the father's family.

Wasn't a good relationship at all, and she went off to work in Japan and had a boyfriend of 2 or 3 years there...she overstayed and then came home when found out.

She has always spoken fondly of her Japanese relationship (and her time in japan).

[rani]

Time to move on Hache!

Relationship should make you happy and be a better person.

If love does not know how to give and take without restrictions, it is not love, but a transaction that never fails to lay stress on a plus and a minus ~Emma Goldman

[gWaPito]

Time to move on Hache!

Relationship should make you happy and be a better person.

If love does not know how to give and take without restrictions, it is not love, but a transaction that never fails to lay stress on a plus and a minus ~Emma Goldman

Touching words Rani 'relationship should make you happy and a better person' Some of us could do with you as our advisor

A rep on the way....Hope it leads to your first bronze star

[rani]

Touching words Rani ' relationship should make you happy and a better person' Some of us could do with you as our advisor

A rep on the way....Hope it leads to your first gold star

Thanks gwapito! Cheers!

[gWaPito]

Time to move on Hache!

Hache, Ive taken to sleepin with a hot water bottle...You know it makes sense It beats sleeping with one eye open, just in case :-))

[SimonH]

Hi Hache, I think you know what the answer is especially when it started to bug you when you saw her. Are you happier when she's there or when you're on your own

In this day and age, I know it's difficult to do, but I'd personally be finding the OFF button on my phone and leaving it that way for a week

[HACHE]

Thanks for the replies.

Hi Hache, I think you know what the answer is especially when it started to bug you when you saw her. Are you happier when she's there or when you're on your own
In this day and age, I know it's difficult to do, but I'd personally be finding the OFF button on my phone and leaving it that way for a week

Well I did go through a phase where I found it easier when on my own (especially once I sat down and said I simply can't and don't want a mobile glued to my hand in my spare time answering texts all day).

In fairness to her, she listened and had put a lot of effort in. And being honest, recent times have been better than the earlier phases. There have been recent times where I have thought "hmmm, I'm getting happier and more relaxed about a possible future" but I am not quite there yet, and well that's frustrating for her I suppose..keeping waiting....

About the phone being off... I have to say, and have said to her, I've grown to hate the phone sometimes, seeing it more as an electronic leash and something that constantly requires attention (I work on a chemical plant and I spend 12 hrs answering irritating alarms all the time....last thing I want is something else going off in my spare time)....

[Michael Parnham]

She got pregnant at 15. and reluctantly married a few years later after pressure from the father's family.

Wasn't a good relationship at all, and she went off to work in Japan and had a boyfriend of 2 or 3 years there...she overstayed and then came home when found out.

She has always spoken fondly of her Japanese relationship (and her time in japan).

One should never talk or mention past relationships Hache, I think it leaves an imprint in one's mind and it's always hovering around inside you for ever. One of the first things I dealt with in our relationship was never to mention past relationships as it can destroy your whole future together. Hope you can move forward and good luck for the future, keep us posted!

[jake]

When does her student visa expire?

You have said that you 'not quite there yet' which is a very honest thing to say. She may feel that time is running out and once she has to go back to the Philippines. Absence can make the heart grow fonder but it can also make the heart forget what is absent.

[HACHE]

One should never talk or mention past relationships Hache, I think it leaves an imprint in one's mind and it's always hovering around inside you for ever. One of the first things I dealt with in our relationship was never to mention past relationships as it can destroy your whole future together. Hope you can move forward and good luck for the future, keep us posted!

I agree in the early stages, it's usually a big no no to mention any exes/ previous relationships. It usually means they're thinking of them and looking back (because feelings still there and not moved on) when they should be getting to know their new partner and looking ahead.

We never had long chats about our exes, just a few times they briefly came up in conversation. Only impression I ever got was that it was a happy time in her life that she enjoyed, loving Japan, and had an easy happy relationship. Never for a minute did I think anything more than that....

[Michael Parnham]

Very sensible comment Hache, also you seem to be able to cope well with the present situation, I'm sure that you will reach the right conclusion in the end!

[Terpe]

Hi Hache,

Sorry to learn about these issues.

If you’re getting nothing out of the relationship, there really is no reason to stay around.

When it’s more of a relief to be apart than be together, that’s a very bad sign.
The whole reason to be in the relationship is because you enjoy actually being together. The moment it becomes a 'chore' or a drag to be be around each other then there's just no good reason to stay.

Mutual respect is a key foundation of any relationship.

It's really a tough call...we're all different...we all have different 'relationship strategies'. To me and based solely on what you've written this relationship is putting stress on you and it seems like it’s a typical high maintenance one. Try to visualize a future.

Your partner is getting unhealthily emotional over the simplest things. For most of us in a place like that, we need to get out of the relationship and find a healthier one.

I get the feeling she's not only bringing the romance down but also starting undermine your self-esteem.
If she believes you are even the slightest bit insecure, then she'll tend to believe you are more likely to remain in the relationship.
When your partner doesn’t appreciate you, you can find someone who will.

It's not natural to work that hard to stay in a compatible relationship.

I personally feel you're in denial. Most of us here have been there at some time and in some form.

Sorry for you situation no offence meant at all. Just an opinion

[grahamw48]

I agree.

This relationship sounds like damned hard work to me.

If my partner feels like my 'best friend', then that is a relationship which is a happy one and worth keeping.

Otherwise, there are literally millions of prospects out there.

[raynaputi]

When there are more arguments than happy times in your relationship, it's not worth staying in it. Like what others have said, if it's draining you down, then get out. Relationship for convenience will never work. If you can't commit, then don't. It will only get things worse. She'd expect more from you which you know you can't give to her.

I think what you need to do now is completely cut off ties with her. Don't feel guilty about it. You're only being honest to her and to yourself. Like what Simon said, turn off your phone. It will do you good. I think what makes her continue texting/calling you is she sees there is a great chance of you still continuing the relationship with her. If that's not what you want now, cut off ties. If worse comes to worst, change your number.

[HACHE]

Thanks very much for all the replies everyone has been kind enough do.

I've always think decisions are best made when the mind is clear and not muddled with emotions. I don't mean emotions should be ignored, just if the emotions are getting things down then deeper things causing them need to be looked at.....

Thanks again people !!

[HACHE]

When does her student visa expire?

You have said that you 'not quite there yet' which is a very honest thing to say. She may feel that time is running out and once she has to go back to the Philippines. Absence can make the heart grow fonder but it can also make the heart forget what is absent.

Sorry I missed the question while wizzing down the posts.
To answer the question her student visa goes to august, and of course there is the ticking clock from that which is a source of anxiety....

[Jentobeharrison]

Hi Guys,

Firstly, sorry this is a long thread, so I apologise now, but hey you don’t have to read it LOL, but thanks in advance for those who do take time, and especially with responses.

I’ve enjoyed the forum here and hope my contributions have helped.

I’m in a difficult position now and not sure what to do or what I am doing is really right. I have posted before about some of my experiences, but in order to be fair, I will try not to point the finger and demonise her....there's two sides to everything...but I’ll just say enough to give you an idea of the background.

I met a Pinay back in September 2011. After a few dates, we became a couple. We both fell for each other quite fast. She was a student, and in fairness she told me on our 3rd or 4th date, that she did have a son, and she was separated over ten years.

Anyway, after a very short period we experienced some “misunderstandings”....quite deep arguments/disagreements out of things or discussions that should never really have got out of hand. First one I remember clearly ( well there was one before but its too long to explain) . She asked me what I would say if she said she fell pregnant (unplanned)....I said initially I’d worry and think about the problems, about her being a student, her visa, her commitments back home to her family, basically alot of things needed to be considered before singing from the roof.

To cut a long story short, the next day, most of the afternoon was pretty unpleasant - texts, followed by skype argument going on and on. I was shocked, just tried to pass it off in the end as a crazy one off, time of the month time or whatever. I should have disengaged with hindsight but carried on fruitlessly trying to reason.

The next day when I visited, we made up and I tried to just forget a silly time. Relieved that the silly incident the day before was gone.

Over the next few months, we had similar unpleasant times, out of trivial things that should never really get so serious. I’ll try and avoid giving examples (it would be so easy but it’s only my side) but basically I felt I was being put on the defensive many times, faced with explaining things when I thought everything was right.

For example, I got into explaining why I hadn’t texted when I had got in from a night out... no big deal...i had a few drinks, forgot. All weekend it was a drama.

I got into a cycle of good wonderful times with the sweetest girl I met, followed by really deep silly arguments out of things that shouldn’t really matter.

In the background, she was having problems with her college, and this I knew was a cause of a lot of stress. I found that I was attributing a lot of problems down to her stresses.

Anyway after a few more months, I got to the point where I just had enough, and combined with some very serious work issues that needed attention, I wanted to part. I was in a lot of emotional turmoil, and I know she was and with her insecure uncertain life, and knew she was suffering too.

We ended up back together, and yeah, the cycle never really changed. Why did I stay? Why did I return? I was hooked on the sweet good girl, and tried to forget/ignore the unpleasant (and irrational) times.

When she asked about the future (which she is right to do and I confess I tried to ignore it sometimes), I did explain that while I loved her, I still had reservations, because of the crazy past events. I will be fair, she often said sorry for all of them though, but they repeated. Until I got rid of my reservations I just couldn’t commit.

She says I am holding grudges, but, I am just worried that it will always be a drama and conflict.

She is terribly desperate, but I insisted that any commitment from me out of pity/sympathy or pressurised would only lead to a short lived relief from her with me waking up resentful one day and her returning to feeling insecure.

Maybe some will consider I have led her along, but I stayed while I thought there would be a chance, but have been open with her about why I have the doubts.., I just never have managed to dispel my doubts.

Last week she said she wouldn’t stay without me committing. She left. The next day, I had some much needed time to myself in the afternoon. It was nice to be left to consider all my feelings, and try and put aside her life/troubles which cause me to feel pity...to have a clearer head. It became clear to me that while she’s around me, while her problems distort my clear thinking, I’ll never have a clear head and see things clear enough. I told her that (she texted and resumed contact which kind of bugged me)...anyway she turned up unannounced on Monday, I suggested no contact and I would see her in a week's time. Unfortunately, it seems her emotions have gotten the better of her, and I’ve been called and texted a lot, so much for leaving me space. Just after finding breathing space I am back to square one grr...

So, if you’ve not got bored, I wonder what others have experienced, if you’ve overcome similar difficulities and lived happily ever after, or you ignored your fears and lived to regret it.

Thanks.

Hache

Hi, I know my response is a bit late but I guess better late than never.

I wonder how she can still act immaturely when she has already a son? Just wondering? Anyway, so what i am writing is purely my opinion lol.

I have had a 1 day same experience as yours, ofcourse I was in the girl's side but the thing is we didn't argue, it was just that my fiance got really tired of every thing we are going through. He did not reply to me for how many hours which is quite unusual and as a girl and I have no any contacts with him, I bugged him with calls and texts. First, I was worried where he is, second, I trust him but I don't trust the girls in his surroundings which made me paranoid that he might be with someone else, third I want to know if he is safe. I got a text late at night, he apologised to me why he didnt respond and the reason was acceptable. In your case you asked for an alone time, and it was better as you gave her time frame, but I think if your woman is not insecure, she can stand on her own feet and can give you your space knowing the fact that you have given her timeline. She got scared, She felt like she was hanging and lastly she wants an assurance.

I can feel that there are also lots of good things about her and that's why you cannot totally leave her. It's only you who knows which would be better for you, for her and for you as a couple. It is easy to say to leave her when you are not happy anymore but both of you have invested a lot especially especially you guys are emotionally attached. The only advice I can say is, whilst you are taking your break from her and from your relationship, ask this to yourself, "Is this woman the one I want to be with forever?" And foresee your future with her how it will be look like. I guess you might have the answer.

Also, please don't leave her hanging. If you can just be honest to her, even if it hurts, please tell her. Atleast she knows what's happening.

[Iani]

We all hope in a relationship that we can meet someone we want to spend our lives with. We hope that person is someone we understand and can understand us, who will have many shared values and many individual values of their own - in other words much common ground.

We hope that person will be "right" for us and doesn't have habits we just can't live with. Sorry but if leaving the toilet seat up sends you into a rage, it's no use living with someone who refuses to put it down (To use a rather silly example).
I couldn't live with indecisive people - that is one of my "things" I just can't handle. I like a woman who knows her own mind, will put her opinion, and then we come to a joint decision.

Some people might have love at first sight, at high school, and be together forever. Most of us though go out with many before finding the partners we really fall for and want to settle down with.

Life is too short to spend it trying to bash a square peg into a round hole. Sorry but it's only my opinion, yours seems to be pulling a guilt trick once too often (Something which I really REALLY can't stand).
There's plenty of others out there, why stay with someone you constantly argue with, who constantly grates? It isn't fair on either of you huh

[Michael Parnham]

We all hope in a relationship that we can meet someone we want to spend our lives with. We hope that person is someone we understand and can understand us, who will have many shared values and many individual values of their own - in other words much common ground.

We hope that person will be "right" for us and doesn't have habits we just can't live with. Sorry but if leaving the toilet seat up sends you into a rage, it's no use living with someone who refuses to put it down (To use a rather silly example).
I couldn't live with indecisive people - that is one of my "things" I just can't handle. I like a woman who knows her own mind, will put her opinion, and then we come to a joint decision.

Some people might have love at first sight, at high school, and be together forever. Most of us though go out with many before finding the partners we really fall for and want to settle down with.

Life is too short to spend it trying to bash a square peg into a round hole. Sorry but it's only my opinion, yours seems to be pulling a guilt trick once too often (Something which I really REALLY can't stand).
There's plenty of others out there, why stay with someone you constantly argue with, who constantly grates? It isn't fair on either of you huh

Wise words!