My leave to remain visa is nearly expired and thinking to divorce my husband cause he don't want to have a child.
What am I going to do?
Advice
My leave to remain visa is nearly expired and thinking to divorce my husband cause he don't want to have a child.
What am I going to do?
Hello, ChloeOriginally Posted by Chloe Margarett
to our friendly online filipino/uk community!
... alas - being a widower when I married my [Filipina] wife 51/2 years past - I'm not at all familiar with divorce proceedings and so cannot advise you personally. But others on here will be able to.
Is being forced to breed a breach of his Human Rights ?
Maybe you should both go to somewhere like 'Relate' and talk this through with a counsellor first ?
Hello Chloe, welcome aboard Filipino UK
I'd have to agree with Graham that if either of you have an intention to fix any such serious matrimonial issues, then a series of counselling sessions with an organisation such as Relate would be the best starting point in connection with the marriage relationship aspects.
Personally I'd would expect couples to discuss important issues like children before getting married rather than having such discussions after. No offence intended just my opinion.
In connection with your immigration status it sound like there's not much time left.
The only suggestion I can give with honesty is that you both agree to apply for another period of leave under FLR(M). I suggest ticking the box to indicate you need more time under temporary leave to secure Life in UK certificate. It's the least cost short term solution and could provide the much needed extra time together to sort out your future options.
If you had married in the Philippines you would have no chance of divorce so why are you considering it here? I agree with Grahams comment in that you should seek help. You married "for richer for poorer, for better for worse".
Meanwhile apply for ILR or FLR before your visa expires and you are forced to leave as that will help nobody including yourself.
Like the rest have said, did you and your husband talk about children before getting married?
Surely you married this man because you wanted to be with him. Just my thoughts. Good luck in whatever you decide
Is that the only reason you married, Children? Children are very expensive, also prevent you from working a big headache and a lot of problems. Wake up, you should marry because you love one another and be happy together whatever the circumstances. You should have told your husband when you first met that you wanted children, there are lots of people that choose not to have children and are quite affluent and have the money to be able to see the world during their life, if they had children they would not be able to do anything much with their life. Just my thought, no offence to anyone on this forum!
Wow, I cannot believe some of these hostile comments here
Didn't read anything too hostile, I did however read a heck of a lot of assumptions
The main one being that children weren't discussed before the marriage. It's only men that have responded so far, hopefully some of the ladies will be along to give their view soon. A lot of women have very strong maternal instincts, even more so if you're from a family orientated culture I would have thought. Maybe Chloe's husband agreed to having children but has had a change of mind, we don't know
Anyway Chloe, welcome to the forum and I hope you get everything resolved soon
Well, that,s what I was thinking, how many men promise the earth to their spouses to impress them, and when they arrive they change their minds.Didn't read anything too hostile, I did however read a heck of a lot of assumptions
The main one being that children weren't discussed before the marriage. It's only men that have responded so far, hopefully some of the ladies will be along to give their view soon. A lot of women have very strong maternal instincts, even more so if you're from a family orientated culture I would have thought. Maybe Chloe's husband agreed to having children but has had a change of mind, we don't know
Anyway Chloe, welcome to the forum and I hope you get everything resolved soon
Nearly all filipinas want kids at some point in their marriage. And Lordna, you said the most bizarre thing I,ve ever heard in my life. At least in the UK filipinas can escape from their abusive partners instead of being stuck with someone because they can,t afford the annulment.
So you think you should be married to someone for life no matter what the circumstances ?
Michael, my dad had 3 kids and after we flew the nest he travelled all over the world and had a ball so I don,t know where your thought comes from. It,s a good job people do have kids because who,s gonna feed and change ya when your in a nursing home lol. Ah well, at least you,ll have your good lady to look after ya like ma self lolIs that the only reason you married, Children? Children are very expensive, also prevent you from working a big headache and a lot of problems. Wake up, you should marry because you love one another and be happy together whatever the circumstances. You should have told your husband when you first met that you wanted children, there are lot's of people that choose not to have children and are quite affluent and have the money to be able to see the world during their life, if they had children they would not be able to do anything much with their life. Just my thought, no offence to anyone on this forum!
Harsh comment Graham, when you don,t know the facts of her marriage i.e. what was discussed about having kids or not.Is being forced to breed a breach of his Human Rights ?
Maybe you should both go to somewhere like 'Relate' and talk this through with a counsellor first ?
Hi Brian, if you knew my life story you would understand where my thoughts come from, but please note I did say I do not wish to offend anyone.
With regards to family looking after one when one becomes incapable, I have no family, also my wife has no support here when I'm gone. It will be Maritess that will need someone to look after her and that is my only concern in life. She is the best thing that ever happened to me in my whole life!
Putting it into perspective, we are not talking about an abusive relationship here BUT the situation, on face value, seems to be she wants a divorce because her partner doesn't want children.
NO I don't believe a couple should stay together no matter the circumstances BUT I do think Divorce is too easily come by here. IMHO Grahams advice was sound in that they should explore other avenues before considering divorce and I believe this was advice given on the understanding that maybe the OP had not considered other options.
However, you're right about filipina's wanting children at some point in their marriage and perhaps her husband should have known that.
It's difficult giving an opinion here without offending someone but if you ask for the views of others you will get a variety of responses which can only be on the scant details provided.
Filipinas often escape from their abusive partners by no longer living with them, but do remain married (in legal terms) so I understand.
Thats my point Michael we need people to have kids because we are living longer and more and more people are needed to be looked after so hopefully there will be kids around to look after your wife when the time comesHi Brian, if you knew my life story you would understand where my thoughts come from, but please note I did say I do not wish to offend anyone.
With regards to family looking after one when one becomes incapable, I have no family, also my wife has no support here when I'm gone. It will be Maritess that will need someone to look after her and that is my only concern in life. She is the best thing that ever happened to me in my whole life!
In my opinion anybody considering marrying a filippina should discuss the topic of children as a matter of priority before going ahead with the relationship. Like I've said, nobody knows the in and outs of the OP,s situation until she speaks out a bit more. As for marriage, I am so glad that I lived together for 15 years with my last partner, as it was a stress-free parting without the leech lawyers getting involved playing one against the other. You do not need a piece of paper to prove you love someone. Less and less people are getting married these days to a point where the ones that live together outnumber the people that are married. But saying that, if my g,f wants to get married then I will if she feels that it,s a need in her opinion. But I prefer things the way they are.
My fiancé and I talked about children and we agreed to have kids 3-5 years after we get married because we still want to enjoy the company of each other, travel just the two of us, and live like boyfriends and girlfriends. But that plan can be changed, we can change, and if ever her husband promised her before that they can have children or they've talked about it before and now her man doesn't want to, it's already a broken promise. Having a kid is one of a fulfillment for a woman, and If that's the case I would feel that I was trapped and cheated as well.
Is that the only reason you married, Children? Children are very expensive, also prevent you from working a big headache and a lot of problems. Wake up, you should marry because you love one another and be happy together whatever the circumstances. You should have told your husband when you first met that you wanted children, there are lots of people that choose not to have children and are quite affluent and have the money to be able to see the world during their life, if they had children they would not be able to do anything much with their life. Just my thought, no offence to anyone on this forum!
I am a woman who would never liked to be pregnant or have kids if my savings aren't enough. And I want to have kids once my fiancé and I will have children in the right time, stable in every aspect because I can see how children suffer here in the Philippines when their parents cannot support even just their needs. How could you say that children are expensive? Big headache? Lots of problems? Is that a parent's perspective?
There are plenty. Probably more than you'd imagine.
I've been personally involved with at least half a dozen who are just incapable of standing up to the mark.
Good job Charie and I discussed it, we have two now but there is still room for one more
If you want your dreams to come true ...... first you have to wake up
Is it the further leave to remain or the indefinite leave to remain visa??
Does your husband know you want to divorce him for that reason ?..not wanting a child??
We need a bit more information.
btw
Welcome to the forum.
''Don't be serious..Be Sincere''
It was said in humour mate.
I'm not THAT insensitive.
...Then the helpful and friendly advice in sentence two.
NONE of us know the facts about her marriage, but it seems everyone wishes to discuss it, ...except myself.
Chloe, before you and your husband got married, didn't you talk about having children in the future? Was it not discussed? Having a child is one of the priority topics for a couple who is in a relationship, most especially to a couple wishing to get married... even boyfriend-girlfriend relationship talks about it... A wife and husband on their own can't be called a family...there should be a child to make it a Family.
Now, does he know that you want to divorce him due to him not wanting a child? What is his reaction with regards to that matter? Is he not bothered? Is there NO LOVE to prevent you two from divorcing each other for one single reason? No open discussion? No compromising? Your situation makes me wonder so much you know...if love is still in the air for both of you, I would agree with graham to go for a counsellor first and talk this through and not make prompt decisions. Who knows, after a counselling your husband might realise that you having a child with him will make you happy and IF because he loves you, he might change his mind as a man who truly loves their wife will do whatever it takes to make their wife happy. At the end of the counselling if he will still insist not to have a child and you wanting a child, then you two is better off without each other as there will be no happiness in the house if two person's world contradicts to one another. Do what is best for you and for him.
But
Sort your visa first before you do anything like divorce.
..Is that the only reason you married, Children? Children are very expensive, also prevent you from working a big headache and a lot of problems. Wake up, you should marry because you love one another and be happy together whatever the circumstances. You should have told your husband when you first met that you wanted children, there are lots of people that choose not to have children and are quite affluent and have the money to be able to see the world during their life, if they had children they would not be able to do anything much with their life. Just my thought, no offence to anyone on this forum!
Michael,
It's not nice to read your idea about having children. I agree with you that children can be very expensive...so as marrying a person from a different country which you have to pay their visas, tickets and stuffs like that, supporting their family; so as paying taxes in this country; so as buying a house and a car; so as going for holidays; so as paying for foods....everything is expensive. Nothing is cheap in this LIFE but we got to take responsibilities in all this things, isn't it? Problems just comes and goes...we've got to take it or leave it, it's up to the person.
Yes, you should marry because you love one another and be happy together...but how can a couple be happy together if one wants what the other doesn't want?....loving is giving...put yourself in Chloe's husband's place , what will you do if your wife really wanted to have a child and you are against it knowing that it will be her happiness apart from you, will you not give it? Can you bear to look at your wife wanting something that she couldn't have because of you? Do you think she can feel completeness as a woman without a child?....
We don't know Chloe's story yet so we can't speculate that she hasn't told her husband about her wanting a child...or whatever...
Yeah, there's a lot of people in this country who choose not to have children..getting old without any children...and you know what? I find those people's life the most miserable. I am working in an 84-bedroom residential care home, and I noticed that those residents who never have children are our most miserable residents. They are the ones who ask for so much attentions, moans about life and never smiles. They have all the things in the world except for the love of a child. They are always horrible and grumpy. It wasn't just me who had observed that, out of 30 care staffs, 26 have the same observations...4 staffs disagree as they don't want children themselves. According to them, children are a responsibility and they don't want it.
I wasn't offended on your statement in this forum, but I just want to share what's in my thoughts while reading your point of view with regards to this topic, however, I respect what you say.
Practical thinking Jen...we got the same thinking actually, to have kids when we will be financially ready, or stable in every aspect of life... But when are we gonna be stable anyway? In 5 years in 10 years or never? We don't know what life's gonna bring us in the future.
I have several colleagues who keep telling me to have a child soon...and I always tell them, NO, WE AREN't financially ready, we got loans to pay and this and this, we are not stable and they answered me that no one in this material world will ever be stable..it's our human nature to ask for more and more which is actually true.
Three of those colleagues of mine are so desperate to have a baby but after years and years of trying, nothing happens. One of them is a Filipina, she got married at the age of 22, to a 21- year English husband. She told me that they were using contraceptives before, to control because they said they aren't stable yet, but after 5 years of marriage, they were still unstable but wanting a baby...a decade have passed after that but they are still trying. She's in and out of the hospital now for diagnostics, to ready her in an IVF procedure. She told me to have the baby earlier than regret it later in life when we can no longer have it. Second colleague of mine is the same, her and the husband's been trying to have a child for years but nothing comes up. She just undergone an IVF procedure but it was a failure so they are running another diagnostics for her and do another IVF procedure soon. The third one is also trying to have a child but no luck of getting pregnant, they wanted to have a free IVF from the NHS but they don't qualify as her husband already have children(husband is 20 years older than her) and FREE IVF is only for couples who never have a child and been trying to have one.
So I stopped my depo injection, and we will just go on with the flow of life......if we will gonna have a child soon, he/she won't prevent me from working hard...instead he/she will motivate me more to achieve my goals in life , along with my wonderful husband of course. I had a baby when I was 17 but it didn't stopped me from finishing my nursing course and taking the licensure exam for only once and passed it. My child was my inspiration to study/work and the thought of having another one will double that motivation.
with Brian [Tiger] on this issue ... to me, it has always seemed "the natural order of things" for married couples to have children. I am therefore of the considered opinion that topics of such importance as this ought to be fully discussed between prospective partners of child-bearing age before any marriage is undertaken.
It was said in humour mate.
I'm not THAT insensitive.
...Then the helpful and friendly advice in sentence two.
NONE of us know the facts about her marriage, but it seems everyone wishes to discuss it, ...except myself.
Its down to both parties whether to have children - remember some cannot have children at all, so being with the one you love is the most important thing.
It does not make you any different a person if you do not have a child or you do have a child,
Just think yourselves lucky that you have found each other, just my thoughts
Thanks for that Steve, that's just my point!
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