Complaints to Councils

[Doc Alan]

Extracts from letters written by UK council tenants:


1. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.


3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.

6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is
pregnant.

9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.

11. The next door neighbour has got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.

15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.

18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife..

20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.

22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it

[SimonH]

[Terpe]

I love this kind of stuff.
I remember Jasper Carrott doing some similar ones from time to time

[Michael Parnham]

Extracts from letters written by UK council tenants:


1. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.


3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.

6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is
pregnant.

9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.

11. The next door neighbour has got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.

15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.

18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife..

20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.

22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it

Fantastic!

[Dedworth]

Nice one Doc - in a similar vein (including one local to you) - weirdest FOI requests to Councils :-



The 10 weirdest FoI requests sent to councils

1. What plans are in place to protect the town from a dragon attack? (Wigan Council)

2. Please list all the types of animals you have frozen since March 2012, including the type and quantity of each animal? (Cambridge City Council)

3. How many times has the council paid for the services of an exorcist, psychic or religious healer? Were the services performed on an adult, child, pet or building? (Rossendale Council)

4. Please can you let me know how many roundabouts are located within your council boundaries? (Leicestershire County Council)

5. What precautions, preparations, planning and costings have been undertaken in the case an asteroid crashes into Worthing, a meteorite landing in Worthing or solar activity disrupting electromagnetic fields? (Worthing Borough Council)

6. How many holes in privacy walls between cubicles have been found in public toilets and within council buildings in the last 10 years? (Rossendale Council)

7. How many bodies are there in mortuaries that have been unclaimed for 10 years? How long have these bodies been in the mortuary? How old were they when they died? Is it possible to have the names of these people? (Richmond Council)

8. How many people in the town have a licence to keep a tiger, lion, leopard, lynx or panther as a pet? (Scarborough Council)

9. How many requests were made to council-run historic public-access buildings (e.g. museums) requesting to bring a team of 'ghost investigators' into the building? (Birmingham Council)

10. How many children in the care of the council have been micro-chipped? (Southend Council)

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk...s-9673108.html

[Arthur Little]

Extracts from letters written by UK council tenants:


1. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.


3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.

6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is
pregnant.

9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.

11. The next door neighbour has got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.

15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.

18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife..

20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.

22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it

... BRILLIANT, Alan ... ALL of those!

Love *double entendres ... they're reminiscent of the childless couple whose foreign gynaecologist's advice to spice up their bedroom habits by using such *tactics, was misinterpreted by them to mean "double entries" and then - lo and behold - discovered they were expecting twins!!

[Arthur Little]

I love this kind of stuff.

... me too.

I remember Jasper Carrot doing some similar ones from time to time

's right! Somewhat ex(j)asperatingly, [pun intended] it's a shame neither he ... ... NOR, indeed, [many] opportunities for innuendo of this sort tend to turnip much nowadays.

[SimonH]

I love this kind of stuff.
I remember Jasper Carrott doing some similar ones from time to time

If I recall he did the insurance claim excuses

I'd been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel

The tree jumped out in front of me

I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way

Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have

I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull

I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car

Can't remember any more, but there're loads

[imagine]

Good one Doc Alan,

[Terpe]

Nice one Doc - in a similar vein (including one local to you) - weirdest FOI requests to Councils :-



The 10 weirdest FoI requests sent to councils

1. What plans are in place to protect the town from a dragon attack? (Wigan Council)

2. Please list all the types of animals you have frozen since March 2012, including the type and quantity of each animal? (Cambridge City Council)

3. How many times has the council paid for the services of an exorcist, psychic or religious healer? Were the services performed on an adult, child, pet or building? (Rossendale Council)

4. Please can you let me know how many roundabouts are located within your council boundaries? (Leicestershire County Council)

5. What precautions, preparations, planning and costings have been undertaken in the case an asteroid crashes into Worthing, a meteorite landing in Worthing or solar activity disrupting electromagnetic fields? (Worthing Borough Council)

6. How many holes in privacy walls between cubicles have been found in public toilets and within council buildings in the last 10 years? (Rossendale Council)

7. How many bodies are there in mortuaries that have been unclaimed for 10 years? How long have these bodies been in the mortuary? How old were they when they died? Is it possible to have the names of these people? (Richmond Council)

8. How many people in the town have a licence to keep a tiger, lion, leopard, lynx or panther as a pet? (Scarborough Council)

9. How many requests were made to council-run historic public-access buildings (e.g. museums) requesting to bring a team of 'ghost investigators' into the building? (Birmingham Council)

10. How many children in the care of the council have been micro-chipped? (Southend Council)

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk...s-9673108.html

Brilliant

[Doc Alan]

Thanks Simon, Peter, Michael, Dedworth, Arthur, and Imagine - also for your own contributions !