"I've decided to sell my Hoover... well, it was just collecting dust" - Tim Vine.

"I've written a joke about a fat badger, but I couldn't fit it into my set" - Masai Graham.

"Always leave them wanting more, my uncle used to say to me. Which is why he lost his job in disaster relief" - Mark Watson.

"I was given some Sudoku toilet paper. It didn't work. You could only fill it in with number ones and number twos" - Bec Hill.

"I wanted to do a show about feminism. But my husband wouldn't let me" - Ria Lina.

"Money can't buy you happiness? Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal" - Paul F Taylor.

"Scotland had oil, but it's running out thanks to all that deep frying" - Scott Capurro.

"I've been married for 10 years, I haven't made a decision for seven" - Jason Cook.

"This show is about perception and perspective. But it depends how you look at it" - Felicity Ward.