Lonely Mummy Needs Advide

[lonelymummy]

I do not know what to do now. I feel like I m in the middle of two big stones.
Here s the situation;
I have 2 children from my previous marriage and been separated for almost 10 years now. I have a British boyfriend, we been on for more than three years now. I accepted his proposal to marry me as soon as my annulment resolved. We agreed that I will go to UK, but my children will not come with me, because, first, their biological father will not let them and second my BF as he said he can not afford to support me and my children if I will bring them to UK.
I know that is sounds awful and how bad mother I am to leave my children and fly to UK to be with my man. But if I didn’t meet him I would probably work abroad to support my children until they finish their college. I m so worry now, as recently we have arguments about giving support for my children when I get to UK.
This will be the arrangement when I get to the UK.
He said he, will give me xxx pounds for personal allowance and also xxxxx pesos to send to my children. And I m happy with this arrangement.
But how many times now we had a rows over that issue and I have the impression that he is really not happy to support my children. I told him that the moment I will get a job I will send money for my children and then therefore he does not need to worry about my children.
I understand that he is not rich, he received an average income, but he is not broke. He is single and childless. I understand that he does not want to move here to the Philippines because as he said, he can not give up his job and his security over the uncertainties here in the Philippines.
I am jealous to those Filipinas who have their husband here live together with her children.
One more thing that worries me is, he confessed to me that he did one time went to the massage parlor and had sex with the other girl. He was force to confess to me because at first, he thought that he got his infection from me, then I told him that is a big insult to me as I never had sex with other man , so apologized and I forgave him, he got cured from that mild infection though. I m just worry that , what if this happen again, what if he s been doing that thing before, what if he still do it even I m around. I know I have to give him my full trust, but that unfaithfulness linger in my mind especially whenever we have rows, because he told me that , that he did those because he was so upset to me.
I wonder if I m too demanding to him about the support for my children, is it unfair for him? Shall I continue this relationship or give him up. I know it hurts me so much to let him go and I do not want to hurt him, too. I do not want to lose him, but I do not want to be unfair for my children. I know that if I will continue this, my dream to have a happy and complete family will not come true. I always dream that one day, I have a family, me, my children, my man and the future child/children. I love him so much but I love my children, too.
Any opinion and advice will be appreciated.
Thank you very much.

[KeithD]

Plenty of guys in this country who would be very willing to support the kids, even move out the Phil so you can all be together.

You've got yourself involved with a muppet, and should have sorted all this out before a relationship even developed.

You only live once, never too late to change and find the right guy.

The guy hasn't got much sense either, if he really loved you, he'd fight tooth & nail to get your kids here whatever the cost. Money talks in the Phil.

Trade him in for a better model, and have a happy life with your kids, they are supposed to come first, flesh & blood. Wake up and smell the roses.

[lonelymummy]

Thank you very much wyn2wyn for your advice. Thats highly appreciated.

[bigtombowski]

one thing that struck me was that you said that he went to the sex massage place after you and him had an argument... and i am worried got you because maybe he will do this every time you and him have a bad argument! It's not a very grown up or mature way of dealing with things, and i think before you are deeply in this relationship with him, u need to establish that he is MATURE enough to be a FATHER to your kids and a HUSBAND ... or else you may find yourself with 2 EX-husbands

sorry to say, but i think win2win keith is CORRECT!

tom

[IanB]

I would be slighlty more balanced.

Firstly the massage parlour - not nice, but possibly better than having an affair. I doubt he will do that when you are together!

Secondly the children. You do not say how old they are? What do they think about it? If it really will break your heart to leave them, then you need to think carefully about whether this is really what you want. Plenty of men would be happy to accept your children - but whether they can settle in the UK does depend a lot on how old they are.

Regarding money, if you have agreed an amount and he has agreed it with you, then that should be that, no need to argue. I am sure you will be able to find work and send plenty more money to them. But as well as that you will need to plan to save up for regular trips home.

All in all it does not sound ideal - full of risks of you making a mistake. There are plenty more men around!

Oh, and by the way, you are NOT too demanding. you are being honest and saying what you need, which is a million times better than not saying it!

Good luck - I am sure it is a horrible thing to go through.

Ian

[KeithD]

I doubt he will do that when you are together!

They are together!!!

So while you are courting your girl, you'd nip off for paid for with a stranger, because you'd had a disagreement?

Glad your not the agony aunt for the Daily Mirror.....country would be in a right state

[bigtombowski]

.....country would be in a right state

again i find myself agreeing with keith

apart from the above ....

the country is ALREADY in quite a state!

[lonelymummy]

Thanks guys for your opinion and advice.
My children are still in primary school.
I feel stuck now, as Im unemployed now because I gave up my job to have time to sort out my papers as he promised me that he will support me/us. He helps me paying my bills, such telephone, electricity and etc, the money he sent me is equal to the half of my salary, which Im so grateful that at least I will have time to look after my children, but recently, he`s obssess about my financial expectation if I will live with him. So I told him that I have children and I won`t be happy if my children will just be taken for granted. I told him that even he show me the whole world I will not be happy if he will not accept and love my children.I`ve been alone for so many years before I met him, I was happy being a single working mother, he come to my life, he help me to learn to trust and love again for the second time, but I just worry for my children. I know that it was my fault, I should not let this come to this point, many times I did try to let him go, I even try to go away buy he`s perseverance makes me guilty to turn him down. Its not very easy for me to let him go after all what we`ve gone through, but I can`t forsake my own children they are my life.

[kimmi]

hi lonely mum,

sorry to hear about ur situation.

i agree to some of our mates here, there's still lots of men who wont give u this kind of head aches..

i do understand how much u love ur British Bf because for sure u will not last a three years relationship with him if u dont..but for me if he really loves u he will do everything just to make u happy, and that only happens when u are with ur kids wherever u decide to settle.

but it worries me that he confessed to u that he had sex with other girls because he was so upset with u, that was a very lame excuse. so everytime he will get upset with u, he will have sex to other girls?and can u accept that?

well, i guess u'd better weigh things first..who matters to u the most?ur BF or ur children?can u live ur life without ur children?or without ur bf?what brings u real happiness, to be with ur children or to be with ur BF?

still, it's ur life...u decide..

[lonelymummy]

Hi Kimmi thanks for your reply.
What you`ve said was exactly the same as what my girl friends told me.
I just do not know how to start again. I used most of my hard earned- money to sort my annulment and its still unfinish yet. I know he spent so much as well to keep this relationship. But when I have my regular income he did not need to send me money, only now as I unemployed.

[bigtombowski]

lonelymummy,
we can only make judgements on what we hear from u ...

my suggestion is ... find a better man. There are many. You don't need someone who will hurt u and not take care of u and make u leave your kids in the phils. Move on. You only do live once and u and ur kids deserve happiness, love and better

this is just my humble opinion and i know it is hard and it may not feel good to hear it,
but ...

for the sake of u and ur kids, u need to make some tough decisions IMHO.

tom

[lonelymummy]

Thanks Tom,
I just hope I will have the courage to face the truth and strength to stand up and move on.
Thanks for your humble opinion.

[kimmi]

hi lonely mum(i wish u will soon change ur name to happy mum),

Weigh things now. Pray to God to give u strength and enlighten ur mind and heart in making decisions which will be good for everybody.

also u can try looking for a job again?so at least u will have a regular income. I know how hard it is to find a good job here in our country but as long as u have the experience and knowledge i am sure u can find the job u need.

[lonelymummy]

Thanks Kimmi.
I wish too that oneday I will be a happy Mum and Happy wife.

[bigtombowski]

hi lonely mum(i wish u will soon change ur name to happy mum),

Weigh things now. Pray to God to give u strength and enlighten ur mind and heart in making decisions which will be good for everybody.

also u can try looking for a job again?so at least u will have a regular income. I know how hard it is to find a good job here in our country but as long as u have the experience and knowledge i am sure u can find the job u need.

i agree with what mommi kimmi says

yes lonely, you're welcome for my humble opinion, and i agree with my mommi kimmi - i hope ur name changes to happy mummy soon

tom

[lonelymummy]

yes lonely, you're welcome for my humble opinion, and i agree with my mommi kimmi - i hope ur name changes to happy mummy soon

tom[/B][/QUOTE]

I am so grateful that I`ve found this site thats not only informative, but I get a free advice, too.

[KeithD]

This is the situation many find themselves in when they follow there heart, rather than sorting the real world out first.

We get people coming on here already in the UK from the Phil, looking for advice on how to bring the kids over ......surely you'd ensure you knew all that before leaving them

Your kids would get a better education in this country....(sort of , best if they speako no English they get a one-2-one )

If a guy walked out on a scouse bird to go elsewhere for a hump, he'd wake up with his balls in his throat, and cock under the wheel of the 4x4

[cinmickey28]

I agree with Sir Keith, and other mates here, I am sorry to hear your situation Lonely Mummy as you had been together for quite sometimes and developed already.

If your worth is valuable for him for sure he would accept your children being part of you. Being rich is not the issue but the capability of the person to accept who you are and the responsibility. More problem will come if there is a chance that you and him will be having your own children in the future. The more your children from previous will be lost. He is even cheating you now and the more it will be when you live together and problems occur as it is seems his way of scaping to the problem.

As a Mum, its really very hard and difficult to leave a children because you will always be haunt by your guilt and conscience of living them. You will not be completely happy whatever success you will achieve it will not pay.

You have regretted for the wasted that you were not able to go out the country to give a better future for your children. It’s still not too late move on. At least you were able to know the person he is before you got committed again.

Everybody dream of a complete and happy family. It will come in God’s time. All things falls when the right time comes.

[joebloggs]

i've got 2 step kids, one 19 and the other 7, both are with me in the uk, i treat them as my own, do everything i can for them, and i wouldn't change a thing

you got some serious thinking to do, if you can leave them

[cinmickey28]

I salute people like you Sir Joe!

[bigtombowski]

me too
i think mommy needs to find a dude who will do what Joe did -- a special guy

tom

[ervenescence]

Aww,,this guy is a tos**r. A completely selfish who acts like an idiot. Imagine that...he was having sex in the massage parlour simpy because he got upset with you? So it means that hes gonna ba doing it again everytime you have a row and he gets upset?..phwoarr..
If I were you, I would DUMPED him without a second thought when he confessed to you about his dogging sideline. But it's not too late though, you can still put him on the gutter where he belong.
Stir clear yourself from this guy, he's difinitely not a right one for you. Find a man who respect and love you unconditionally, the one who you can proud of.

[Gie]

I know that you are in a difficult situation right now...But this a**hole bf of yours is no better. If he did it once I bet he will gonna do it again and again. Surely you dont want to have a 'doormat' written all over your forehead. Stand up for yourself and for your children. You can still find a better guy, but you cannot replace your children. I hope things will get better with you and with your children. God Bless

[bornatbirth]

you really should of thought of everything before you both got this far!
your fella should do all he can for u and ur kids if he doesnt then hes not so good!
jusy think how u will feel when ur here and the kids are still so young there,what happens when they get ill or have other problems will u be able to handle that and then act all happy when ur husband gets home?
u sound to me like a real mother u just need a real man to look after u?

you really need to have a long chat with him and tell him what u want from life and if he doesnt agree thats his problem!!

[bigtombowski]

ate Gie and Ate Erve said what us boys were afraid to say ....

i have only 2 other chikka-isms to add ...


"You Go Girlz" and

"Kick Him to da Kurb"


tom

[IanB]

I think the answer is pretty clear. I still think the sex with the other lady could have been a one off - a stupid thing and a mistake. Its not something most of us would aprove of - but it happens. Its a red herring.

But there is a real risk that you will end up with the worst of two worlds = away from your children and unable to support them.

As it happens, I have been in the opposite position. My wife was not happy to take any responsibility for my son from a previous marriage. I thought it would not matter. I cooked for him and looked after him every weekend. But her resentment got stronger and stronger. She was always nice to him - but in private she hated the fact that I loved him. After five years of marriage she left me - the main reason being her jealousy and resentment of my son.

All the more ironic because for my first marriage I took on my wife's little daughter, and brought her to England and treated her like my own daughter.

Best of luck.

Ian

[bigtombowski]

sounds like u been thru a lot too ian!

[eula mackay]

regardless of how upset your bf was, it was not an excuse to sleep with someone else. regardless if he paid for it or not. this is unacceptable, full stop. would you like to spend the rest of your life subconciously thinking where hes gone, what hes doing (if not who), etc. everytime youve had a row? isnt your time worth more than that? easy for him to say he wont do it again, of course hed say that. its a question if you truly believe in him or not. in a relationship love is essential, and so is trust and respect. i would not be able to trust or respect my husband if he ever does what your bf did for a long time if not never. i would be hurting because of the love, but im sure hed loose my respect and trust.

im sure your children mean the world to you. it is your best intention as well to make sure you would be able to provide for them if you move to the uk and this is why you have made arrangements with your bf re their financial support while you are off work. thing is, hopefully i am wrong, but seems to me this is his bagaining tool to make sure you join him in the uk. surely you would have not agreed if he has not offered as you are thinking about the welfare of your children. but what would you do when you are here and unemployed and he refuses to give you money to send your kids? what then? hes not happy about the arrangement in the first place so this wont be impossible.

dont get yourself in a messier situation. your children should be seen by your bf as blessings not extra baggage or as a choice. he should have not cheated on you, regardless. keep on praying for guidance. good luck!

[KeithD]

Aww,,this guy is a tos**r. A completely selfish who acts like an idiot. Imagine that...he was having sex in the massage parlour simpy because he got upset with you? So it means that hes gonna ba doing it again everytime you have a row and he gets upset?..phwoarr..
If I were you, I would DUMPED him without a second thought when he confessed to you about his dogging sideline. But it's not too late though, you can still put him on the gutter where he belong.
Stir clear yourself from this guy, he's difinitely not a right one for you. Find a man who respect and love you unconditionally, the one who you can proud of.

You've gotta love Erve's handling of the English language.....you'd make a good scouser

[GaryFifer]

I have a question. Whats the biological father doing?Does he contribute?Why is your current bf getting all the pressure?