As Fred is quiet

[SimonH]

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to
go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his
problem.

In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready
to ejaculate, try startling yourself."

That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol.
All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife.

At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting.
As the two began, they found themselves in the celebrated 69 position.
The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired
the starter pistol.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How
did it go?" The man answered, "Not that well. When I fired the pistol,
my wife sh** on my face, bit off the end of my dick, and my neighbour
came out of the wardrobe with his hands in the air."

[SimonH]

A class of five-year old schoolchildren return to the classroom after playing in the playground during their break time.

The teacher says to the first child 'hello Becky, what have you been doing this playtime?'

Becky replies ' I have been playing in the sand'

'Very good' says the teacher 'if you can spell "sand" on the blackboard, I will give you a biscuit'

Becky duly goes and writes 'sand' on the blackboard. 'Very good' says the teacher and gives Becky a biscuit.

The teacher then says 'Freddie, what have you been doing in your playtime?

'Freddie replies 'playing with Becky in the sand box'

'Very good' says the teacher. ' If you can spell "box" on the blackboard, I will also give you a biscuit'

Freddie duly goes and writes 'box' on the blackboard. 'Very good' says the teacher and gives Freddie a biscuit.

Teacher then says 'Hello Mohammed, have you been playing in the sand box with Becky and Freddie?'

'No' replies Mohammed, 'I wanted to, but they would not let me. Every time I went near them they started throwing stones at me and calling me nasty names'

'Oh dear' says the teacher. 'That sounds like blatant unadulterated racial discrimination to me' ..............

I tell you what, if you can write "blatant unadulterated racial discrimination" on the blackboard, I will give you a biscuit

[SimonH]

Guy phones the police and says :-

"Help there are two women fighting over me"

"Sir, what's wrong with that?"

"The fat ones winning"

[SimonH]

The Queen was in Glasgow where she bumped into Alex Salmond

HMtQ: How nice to see you Mr Salmond.

AS: Nice to see you Ma’am. Now, what are we going to call Scotland when we win Independence..? How about calling it a Kingdom, and then I’ll be a King..?

HMtQ: No, we don’t like that.

AS: How about an Empire, and I'll be Emperor..?

HMtQ: No.

AS: Alright, so how about calling it a Principality, and then I’ll be a Prince..?

HMtQ: No Mr Salmond, I suggest we call it a Country and you can carry on as you are.

[SimonH]

An older couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.
Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively.
"I would like it infrequently ", she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered, "Is that one word or two?"

[grahamw48]

[SimonH]

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies, Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat "I do not have a Headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.."

It Worked! The headaches are all gone."

The husband replies, "Well, thats wonderful."

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of Fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the Hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"

The husband agrees to try it

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.

He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

He goes into the Bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and
makes Passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, "Boy that was wonderful!"

The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."

He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than The First time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says,

"Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the Bathroom, She sees him standing at the mirror and saying, "She's not my wife, she's not my wife, she's not my wife..."

His funeral service will be held on Friday.

[raynaputi]

[fred]

[Michael Parnham]

Well done Simon, Brilliant!

[SimonH]

I sent a parcel to a transvestite in Greater Manchester.

It was a Wigan address.

[SimonH]

Garry goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.
Guy behind the counter says, 'Male or female?'
Customer says, 'Female.'
Counter guy asks, 'Black or white?
Customer says, 'White.'
Counter guy asks, 'Christian or Muslim?'
Customer says, 'What the hell does religion have to do with it?'

Counter guy says, 'The Muslim one blows itself up.'

[SimonH]

Ian Paisley died and went to heaven. When he got there he knocked long and hard on the pearly gates. St.Peter came out and asked his name.

YOU DON'T KNOW MY NAME ? I'M THE REV. IAN PAISLEY He roared at St. Peter. St. Peter looked at his list and could not find his name. Sorry said St.Peter you're not on the list.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN I'M NOT ON THE LIST??? DO YOU NOT KNOW WHO I AM? As a matter of fact I do, said St. Peter, but your name is not on the list, THAT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH I'M A VERY IMPORTANT PERSON MY NAME SHOULD BE ON THE LIST. St. Peter tried to explain that it's not easy to get into heaven, that you have to be a Catholic. When Paisley hears this he starts to complain. So St. Peter says that had he had been good to Catholics he would have some chance.

WELL, roared Paisley, I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT I HAVE BEEN VERY GOOD TO CATHOLICS, WHY ONLY TWO WEEKS AGO I MET A YOUNG GIRL WHO HAD MADE HER COMMUNION AND I GAVE HER A POUND AND TWO WEEKS BEFORE I MET A YOUNG BOY WHO HAD MADE HIS COMMUNION AND I HAVE HIM A POUND, NOW WHAT DO YOU SAY NOW MR. ST. PETER!

St. Peter took a few notes on what he said. He told Paisley to wait that he would have to go and talk to GOD and get some advice. About ten minutes later St. Peter come out and said to Paisley, HERE'S YOUR TWO POUNDS BACK, NOW OFF.

[SimonH]

My dad fought in the war and survived mustard gas and pepper spray.
He is a seasoned veteran.

[SimonH]

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.


After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van. However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, "Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings."

"I had no Monet


to buy Degas


to make the Van Gogh."

[SimonH]

I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my wife to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else!
I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task.
I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank.
I then withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank.
I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank.
I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank.
I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it and threw the rest down the glass.
I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.
When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles and sinks with the other - which were 29 - and, as the houses came by, I counted them again and finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank..
I am not under the affluence of incohol as some thinkle peep I am. I'm not half as thunk as you might drink but I fool so feelish I don't know who is me and the drinker I stand here, the longer I get.

Cheers!

[fred]

Simon..
Just wondering..
Do you know any good jokes?

[grahamw48]

[SimonH]

Simon..
Just wondering..
Do you know any good jokes?

Sorry Fred, nothing can compete with yours. Think on the bright side, mine make yours even funnier

[grahamw48]

Some really good ones there Simon.

Thanks for taking the time.

[fred]

Sorry Fred, nothing can compete with yours. Think on the bright side, mine make yours even funnier

Ahhhh...Thanks.

[lordna]

The Queen was in Glasgow where she bumped into Alex Salmond

HMtQ: How nice to see you Mr Salmond.

AS: Nice to see you Ma’am. Now, what are we going to call Scotland when we win Independence..? How about calling it a Kingdom, and then I’ll be a King..?

HMtQ: No, we don’t like that.

AS: How about an Empire, and I'll be Emperor..?

HMtQ: No.

AS: Alright, so how about calling it a Principality, and then I’ll be a Prince..?

HMtQ: No Mr Salmond, I suggest we call it a Country and you can carry on as you are.

Didn't know he was a Count already!

[mickcant]

Some really good ones there Simon.

Thanks for taking the time.

I agree, well done
Mick.

[Arthur Little]

Didn't know he was a Count already!

Hmm ... the only "Count" he > is ever likely to be, Roland ... is being "held to account" if an Independent Scotland goes pear~shaped!

[irishman12]

A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened it.

A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. The genie said, "For your kindness I will grant you one wish, but only one."

The man thought for a minute and said, "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii but have never been able to because I'm afraid of flying and ships make me claustrophobic and ill. So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii."

The genie thought for a few minutes and said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved with the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement that would be needed. No, that is just too much to ask."

The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, "There is one other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with? Basically, what makes them tick?"

The genie considered for a few minutes and said, "So, do you want two lanes or four?"

[Arthur Little]

A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened it.

A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. The genie said, "For your kindness I will grant you one wish, but only one."

The man thought for a minute and said, "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii but have never been able to because I'm afraid of flying and ships make me claustrophobic and ill. So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii."

The genie thought for a few minutes and said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved with the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement that would be needed. No, that is just too much to ask."

The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, "There is one other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with? Basically, what makes them tick?"

The genie considered for a few minutes and said, "So, do you want two lanes or four?"

... pure genius, Noel!