Can things get much worse?

[IanB]

Well, you know that I am still married but my wife left me? That was back in February, and meeting my filipino gf Mae has been the only good thing that has happened since.

My wife has recently been going through a tough time. I think she suffers very badly from depression. She took a couple of weeks off. and I even bought her a ticket to visit her family in Thailand.

She got back yesterday, and all was fine. I helped her sort out an apointment with our doctor, get another absence note from work, sort out some minor problems with her car. Then, at lunchtime, she changed completely. Started leaving nasty messages and sending texts. Said she would make the divorce expensive and she would make sure Mae could never come to the UK. All a load of bluff because she has no power to do any of those things.

However, she can delay the sale of my apartment, which is crippling me financially, because she is co-owner. That will hurt.

But worse, she rang my parents and told them about Mae. I had not told them because after marrying two Thai women I though it was too soon to worry them. Needless to say my Mum over reacted and rang me in tears. They seem determined to stop me too!

Nothing will dent my love for Mae, and people trying to stop me will simply make me more determined.

But the truth is I feel very alone now, and the way forward looks like a lot of hard work.

So, can things get much worse? (And I haven't even mentioned my first wife's financial problems or my son's difficult behaviour . . ).

My style is to be open about these things, so thanks for reading this far!

Ian

[GaryFifer]

You have your son, your wife and your girlfriend. These are 3 emotional factors that affect your life.So you know and care about them all. Right now I am sure you are confused about who is getting cared for most and you are doing your best to satisfy them all. No man can make everyone happy 100% of the time. Do not try too hard.I think you are beating yourself for not being best.

What caused the difficulties in the marriage?What factors? how did you deal with them?Will they affect your new girl?
You need to ask yourself those important questions in order to solve the current situation.

Are you sure Mae will not feel difficult with a son that may hate her?Make peace with the current situation 1 step at a time.

[KeithD]

'em. Just look after yourself, you could be dead tomorrow.....we all could be dead tomorrow ......the end is nigh

[walesrob]

'em. Just look after yourself, you could be dead tomorrow.....we all could be dead tomorrow ......the end is nigh

Blimey Keith, what happened? Lost at the horses or did Liverpool lose Cheer up, you live in Wales remember

[IanB]

Gary,

Thanks. I am sure my son will not hate Mae - he knows about her and is fine about it.

I do find it hard to let go - my wife has made it abundently clear that she wants to leave me, but I still kind of feel responsible. There were several reasons why she left, but by far the main one was that she could not bear me paying my ex wife so much maintenance, and she was very jealous of my son. Mae is completely different, as I am sure most people would be, and is looking forward to meeting Ben.

Ian

[ginapeterb]

Well, you know that I am still married but my wife left me? That was back in February, and meeting my filipino gf Mae has been the only good thing that has happened since.

My wife has recently been going through a tough time. I think she suffers very badly from depression. She took a couple of weeks off. and I even bought her a ticket to visit her family in Thailand.

She got back yesterday, and all was fine. I helped her sort out an apointment with our doctor, get another absence note from work, sort out some minor problems with her car. Then, at lunchtime, she changed completely. Started leaving nasty messages and sending texts. Said she would make the divorce expensive and she would make sure Mae could never come to the UK. All a load of bluff because she has no power to do any of those things.

However, she can delay the sale of my apartment, which is crippling me financially, because she is co-owner. That will hurt.

But worse, she rang my parents and told them about Mae. I had not told them because after marrying two Thai women I though it was too soon to worry them. Needless to say my Mum over reacted and rang me in tears. They seem determined to stop me too!

Nothing will dent my love for Mae, and people trying to stop me will simply make me more determined.

But the truth is I feel very alone now, and the way forward looks like a lot of hard work.

So, can things get much worse? (And I haven't even mentioned my first wife's financial problems or my son's difficult behaviour . . ).

My style is to be open about these things, so thanks for reading this far!

Ian

Ian let me offer you some support mate, I have to say your story is the same as mine about 4 years ago, I was living with my ex wife when she did the same to me, she told me that Gina was never coming to UK and that she would do everything possible to stop that whoring bar girl from coming over.

Hahahaha we laugh at it now, stand your ground mate, we will all support you, youre not alone, dont worry about her threats, she cannot do a f.....thing mate.

They all threaten to take you to the cleaners, remember the movie "War of the Roses" starring Danny DEVITO, and Michael Douglas, and Kathleen Turner, what does the lawyer tell Oliver Rose "Listen, there are lots of appartments, houses, there others to go to"

I am not suggesting you give your Thai wife the appartments, ( Get you share mate) and just asking (How did you ever come to put your appartment in your Thai Wifes name) bad mistake Ian, they will always want their share the minute you want to divorce them.

Little Tip for you Ian, dont please mate for your own sake agree in the heat of the moment to sign it away to her, you will regret it, I did that in my house, and I have regretted it ever since.

These lawyers who come down for the country court, suggest that you give your ex wife the house to prevent her from claiming maintenance against your income, I signed mine away as I have a good income, it was to prevent her from making claims on my income for the rest of my life.

Dont do it, its a mistake, get your fair share of the proceeds and put it down on a new place for you and Mae....

I am sure you are smart now after 2 wives, to get a good deal for yourself, and guess what.

My ex wife caused havoc with my Mum, she would phone her all the time and tell her that I was in love with a bar girl from the Philippines, she used to tell my Mum, she was a whore, and came from Angeles City, and worked in a go go bar, and that she had diseases, hell hath no fury than a p.... offf wife about to be divorced.

Ian I really used to hate her calling my Mum and upsetting her, she used to pester them for hours, my mum used to cry and call me also, she told me that she is not happy about my Filipino GF, you have to be strong and tell your Mum the situation, anyway, she is leaving you right ?

I used to feel for my Mum, she did not understand all the time what was happening, but slowly she came to accept the situation, then when Gina was in UK, I took her to meet my Mum and Dad, and my Mum cuddled Gina, and welcome her to the family, but she told me, ( I like Gina very much, she is so nice - not like the other one)

Watch out also for your Thai wife deciding to write to the British Embassy Manila, (hope she is not British but guess she is now) and she will write a letter to the Entry Clearance Manager suggesting Mae is a bar girl or she is a gold digger, it happend to me mate, and caused 4 months of heartache, while my case was investigated, Keith will remember this, watch out for this one Ian.

Gina was issued a visa in June of 2004, and the visa was cancelled without reason, we had to wait for 9 months while my case was investigated by the embassy, finally the visa was reinstated when they found there was nothing in my ex wifes allegations.

She alledged that my future wife was a bar girl, and that I was still married, also she stated in her letter that I was wanted by Interpol for fraud, and mortgage fraud.

You name it she did it, do not under estimate a p....off soon to be ex wife,
I just want you to know Ian I am rooting for you mate, and wishing you well with your girl in Phils, go for it, and stand your ground.

[IanB]

Blimey Pete that does sound eerily similar! I'm glad you got through it. I apreciate the friendly words and support.

Regarding the apartment, the story is not too bad. We have very little equity, and that will go to pay off debts, so in divorce law terms the only other asset I have is my pensions which she may get some of. The apartment is shared ownership, (i.e. we own half, housing association owns half) and the only reason we got it was because my wife is a care worker which got us on the housing list!

I guess its just a question of taking one thing at a time: sell apartment; move; get divorce; deal with other exwife; marry Mae; live happily ever after. . . . .

Ian

[KeithD]

Blimey Keith, what happened? Lost at the horses or did Liverpool lose Cheer up, you live in Wales remember

Made a nice bit of wonga today, I did have to use a really heavy keyboard for an hour or two though

Gina was issued a visa in June of 2004

Jeez...was it that far back......what happened to the 2+ years?!?!

[andypaul]

Made a nice bit of wonga today, I did have to use a really heavy keyboard for an hour or two though



Jeez...was it that far back......what happened to the 2+ years?!?!

I can remeber Petes titanic battles with the embassy and this site via pete giving us a heads up that the visa application procedure was about to change just a few days before we applied.
Now the Wife says init hangs around with a huge group of friends like the united nations, and fingers crossed starts her salried job which is well above the minimum wage soon

Cheers Mr Admin, Rob n Pete particulary its been a tough struggle but made far easier by this forum.

Ian has corny as it sounds this forum will help you out

[Peanutz]

Blimey Pete that does sound eerily similar! I'm glad you got through it. I apreciate the friendly words and support.

Regarding the apartment, the story is not too bad. We have very little equity, and that will go to pay off debts, so in divorce law terms the only other asset I have is my pensions which she may get some of. The apartment is shared ownership, (i.e. we own half, housing association owns half) and the only reason we got it was because my wife is a care worker which got us on the housing list!

I guess its just a question of taking one thing at a time: sell apartment; move; get divorce; deal with other exwife; marry Mae; live happily ever after. . . . .

Ian

Take one thing at a time, you already know the answer. You have huge real problems to dealt with, I hope you can sort things out for the better.
Goodluck!

[aromulus]

Blimey Pete that does sound eerily similar! I'm glad you got through it. I apreciate the friendly words and support.

Regarding the apartment, the story is not too bad. We have very little equity, and that will go to pay off debts, so in divorce law terms the only other asset I have is my pensions which she may get some of. The apartment is shared ownership, (i.e. we own half, housing association owns half) and the only reason we got it was because my wife is a care worker which got us on the housing list!

I guess its just a question of taking one thing at a time: sell apartment; move; get divorce; deal with other exwife; marry Mae; live happily ever after. . . . .

Ian

Good luck mate.

I had, and still am having my unfair share of aggro from my ex.
And although she claims that she will never use the kids for emotional blackmail, that is one of the things she is best at....

My italian passport expired just a few days before Jet arrived in september.
As I have children below the age of 18, my ex wife, by italian law, has to countersign my application for a new passport.
Needless to say that se adamantly objects to sign along the dotted line. I tried for weeks to convince her, even tried some bribery, but no success.
Fortunately for me, she instructed her solicitors to write to me on the subject, stating categorically that a signature will not be forthcoming in a month of Sundays....
That was all I needed. I went yesterday to Eyetie consulate in Manchester for a bit of natter and leave my various documents and the old passport.
Unbeknown to her, the Consul has the discretion to issue my new passport on the strenght of her unreasonable behaviour, well proven by the solicitors letter included.
My passport is double important to me, as I will need to send it in to IND, together with other documents to apply for Jet's Residence card, before the Family Permit expires.

So, as you can see, even the darkest clouds have a little bit of a silver lining.....

Keep smiling.

[ginapeterb]

Ian,

Although I appreciate you have already had one divorce to the Thai girl, sometimes all of these things can build up on you and drain your spirit.

I like Aromulus's comments about the aggro he gets from a former wife, because it demonstrates that the stories are all similar.

What women who are about to be divorced seemed to do, is sit all day thinking up ingenious ways to make your life miserable, what makes them think up even more ingenious ways is when you tell them, you have a young lady in your life, they always say the same thing and it always amazes me what former foreign wifes say it goes like this:

"She will never come to our country - she will not get a Passport for our country, I will make sure of that" or they say

"I will write to our embassy in Manila and stop them from coming"


This always amazes me, since they themselves were foreigners, and after a few years, once they have a passport, their allegiancces seems to change the minute they think a rival is on the way in their place.

I think Ian, the hits will keep on coming, as in Aromulus's case, the hits just keep coming, but in fact, there is little they can do in the long term, all the hits take place in the short term, but you can overcome them.

You said this:

sell apartment; move; get divorce; deal with other exwife; marry Mae; live happily ever after. . . . .

I think the order is this one.

1. Start divorce proceeding.

Advice from me: Commencing a divorce proceeding in UK involving solicitors can be expensive.

Firstly, when you see a solicitor, they will assess your income for legal aid, however, if you do not qualify, (and be careful of this) everything they do for you is placed on a timeline account.

Its likely your wife does not earn the same as you, she will almost certainly qualify for legal aid, which means her costs will be met by the tax payer, and she will have a legal aid certificate issued.

My legal expenses in my divorce case was £18,000, be very careful, because although at first, you cannot see the costs, they soon mount up, every letter, every phone call, every hearing, and when children are involved, its worse.

If there is a child, there will be directions in court for the child, who will be the resident parent, and who is designated the non resident parent.

Your wife sounds like the candidate for the resident parent, then knowing her she will apply to DSS for help with the child, (although under the new laws coming in by 2010 child support will take a different route where parents can agree an out of court settlement on monthly child support without using the Child Support Enforcement commission, at present, if a woman contacts CSA they will be in your life like you wont beleive)

I assume Ian that you are already paying child support to your ex wife for children you had with her, whether they were born to that marriage, or whether you took on her children at the time, these I presume are children of the family, and you took on responsibiity for them.

The CSA can be a right Royal pain in the a... in my experience, they only got involved because my ex wife tried to apply for Income support, we already had a payment arrangement for child support, that arrangement was cancelled by the CSA and a new one had to be agreed, which meant that child support reviewed my case by asking for all my accounts.

In the end to stop CSA getting further into my life, i conceded a higher monthly figure than was originall agreed.

Back to the divorce procedures, with affidavit and counter affidavit, which basically are slagging matches in writing, with the Financial directions hearings, the Heads of agreement hearings, and divorce decree Nisi, it can take time, and money.

I hope it doesnt cost you the earth to do this, my experiences tell me that its a part of my life that has passed by now, but at the time it was hell for me, especially when my ex wife had some of her freinds come in the night and write off my work vehicle, that was something else I had to contend with.

2. Sell your Appartment and Get rid.

Get it off your back, really Ian, if you are going down the route of divorce from your Thai wife, you should try and have no financial link with her, I just hope for your sake, you have no joint bank accounts with her, women are very quick to be in the bank when their is a financial dispute, divorce proceedings can cause the bank to freeze your account, until commanded by the country court to release any funds to your solicitors jointly.

The mistake I made was having a joint account, joint accounts in marriage are all very well, when things are lovey dovey and tickety boo !, but when the marriage gets into a phase where the two of you are contemplating splitting up, then thats when financial problems happen.

Lets take my little flower, dont think for a moment women dont think about These things because beleive me they do.

How would you feel if you were out in the Philippines and checking into your hote as I was in Manila, you give your credit card to the receptionist to book into your room, she tries to swipe it ? ohoh, it doesnt swipe ? it gets declined.

You ask the girl to swipe it again, thinking there is something wrong with their machine, again it doesnt work, you complain and get annoyed, but their is little you can do, you know your credit is ok, you know you have sufficient funds in your account, so you try your debit card, oh oh that doesnt work either, something must be wrong ?

Maybe its the Philiippines, you know what it is like, nothing every works there, so it must be that.

You never thought for a second, that whilst you are out of the country, your little flower back home has called your card issuers hotline, and told them that you called her from the Philippines, and told her your cards have been lost.

In the meantime, because the card issuer does not in many circumstances try to contact you, nor can they because you didnt leave them a mobile number, nor are they use to having p...off ex's contact them to lie about your cards being lost.

There you are with your new lady love, and your cards dont work, you are in effect up the creek without a paddle, or as we said this year, up the SHAT AL ARAB WITH NO GUNSHIP SUPPORT.

Its only when you arrive back in UK and call your bank, that you find your wife reported your cards as lost or stolen and they were taken off the grid, while new ones were issued.

Then you find they have been to the bank and told the bank that you are splitting up, your bank account has been frozen, and you cannot get any access to your money, they say you must consult your solicitor, I had £7000.00 in a joint account, could not get acccess to it, and in the end it was used to offset the mortgage, and I never did see a penny of it.

3. Get your own place and move in

Getting your own place and sorting out an alternative accomodation is often the best way to get peice of mind, since some men decide because of costs to stay with their existing wife, it never works out trust me, there will always be constant arguments, rows, and slagging matches, its a big step going out on your own, I did it, and it wasnt easy, but the minute I did, a breash of fresh air decended on me.

The other problem is, you mentioned your wife has a child and its your step daughter, that represents a problem for you, because under the child act, they cannot be homeless, so you will end up having to move out, if you cannot live together amicably, without the police being called all the time.

In my case I was ordered to leave the home I had built for 14 years, and had 14 days to do it, thats what always makes me laugh about the system, I call it the 14/14 system.

it goes like this:

14 Years to build your dream home. = 14 days to get out as its not yours anymore.

Then on top of that, you have the state telling you how many times a month you can see your child.

Of couse in the family courts of England and Wales, the feelings of the father are never taken into consideration, he often ends up being given 1 weekend in two if he is lucky to see his child.

The UK tends to instantly divorce children from their Fathers, and it wont ever change.

4. Move as far away from your Thai ex as you can - dont give her your address and change your mobile number


This is very good advice, since it cuts the ties you have, (excuse the pun) then you are not getting 20,000 text messages a day telling you what a unfeeling b... you are, and not getting duped to bringing a kebab for her when she gets the feeling she is hungry.

The other good thing about this, is that she will not know where to send hate mail or come to your house and aggravate you, or stand outside yelling obsenities.

The further away you are from her, the better your life will be, and dont look back, just cut your ties and get on with it, plus you have somewhere then for Mae to come and live with you.

In Conclusion - New House, New Car, New Girl, New Life.

Once you have broken all of these steps down into little short term worthwhile achievable goals, you will be able to settle down with your lady love Mae, it can be done, if you take your time and cross off each achievement and get closer to the end game.

I always used to keep a folder of all the things that happened, and ticked them off one by one as we achieved them, my wife was in on this with me, and finally about 2 years later there we were happily living together in UK, i am sure you will do it Ian, as you said earlier, nothing can put you off when you have made a decision, not freinds, not your Mum, not anyone.

Go for it mate !!!

[jonnijon]

Suppose I was lucky,got traded in for a younger model,she left and she paid Never had so much money

[IanB]

Thanks Pete . . . I think!

My situation is bad, but it sounds like a picnic in the park compared to yours!

First of all - no kids with wife number 2. Good.

Secondly, she does not qualify for legal aid - it has been cut back a lot and now its only for people on benefits, she has been told. Good - she will not be able to afford a lawyer!

Thirdly, yes, we had a joint account. It was overdrawn so I cleared the overdraft, opened a new account, and told the bank that we were separated,. The bank froze the empty account. Good! As you predicted, three days later frantic calls from bank's security people - did I know someone was trying to withdraw hundreds of pounds from my frozen account using my wife's cards. Yes, all the withdrawals were declined! hooray!

I do not want to be unfair to her. If the division of assetts shows there is anything I should give to her, she is welcome to it. But she has a half decent job, and can survive.

She left me, after all, and already has a new boyfriend!

My biggest worry is selling the apaterment. I need to get it off my hands but if she will not sign the paers it will involve a legal fight. Ho hum.

Thanks, I really do apreciate all of the help.

Perhaps we should form some kind of self help group? "My name is Ian, and I'm a divorcee . . . "

[bigtombowski]

lets hope ur third time is lucky, coz u would be in real hell if u had to divorce mae in the future! lol

[IanB]

True! Thats what my friends and family think will happen. Obviously nobody knows what will happen in the future, but I really feel that Mae is different. The problems I had with my previous marriage you could really see from the start, but I foolishly felt they would go away or get better. With Mae I can really not yet see any down side - she is very caring and very loving, ad really unselfish. Even so, I intend to take things carefully. I'm with Mae for the long term, so we will have plenty of chances to meet and to get to know each other.

Ian

[bigtombowski]

i'm glad to hear your last few sentences

head screwed on this time mate

[ginapeterb]

Ian

I do not want to be unfair to her.

dont think that way, trust me, she wont think twice about shafting you, there are no freinds in divorce agreements, its not that these women are like that, its their solicitors who cause acrimonious divorces, they cause women to behave the way they do.

They will always be advised by their laywers to get the best settlement for themeselves, especially blood sucking white english female lawyers, they are the worst, they seem to be experts in writing dramas in affidavits, they should write fiction novels, because their affidavits are just like them.

And you tell us this now:

She left me, after all, and already has a new boyfriend!

Geeeeze why am i not suprised by this, there she goes....off to a new boyfriend, hmmm give him time he will find out, thats better for you if she left, hopefully she will put the squeeze on the new boyfreind and when he cant deliver, he will soon be dropped.

Sounds to me Ian, like you are well rid of her, and do me a favour, please please please dont start feeling sorry for her, these girls have got this incredible whinining sound when they want something, yes mate we are in a self help group, I can sense you are going through some of my past history, thats why I am interested in you mate, I dont want to see you make the mistakes I did.

Even now, my wife and I are still reeling from the mistakes I made, and we have to live with them every day, I am just happy you did not have any kids with her, cos....you are lucky on that one.

I have only one peice of major advice for you Ian, if this goes to a splitting of assets, and your 50 per cent is on mortgage, dont let the divorce agreement premable wording go like this:


"The property at xxxxxx will be put up for sale and to be sold within a reasonable period, both parties will use their best endeavours to sell at fair market value, the balance of proceeds being used to for the petitioner (wife).

This wording was the biggest woe in my life, dont sign it Ian....its in the preamble of a divorce decree Nisi, and it effectively means she could live their indefinately, and you will be responsible for the debt, in fact


DONT EMPLOY A SOLICITOR, IF YOU WANT MY MOBILE NUMBER WHEN THE TIME IS RIGHT, CALL ME, I WILL TALK TO YOUA ABOUT IT.

[bigtombowski]

is it not best to also have a solicitor peter?

[somebody]

is it not best to also have a solicitor peter?

Peopel say the same about the visa process.

If its straight forward maybe not.

Remeber Tom Solictors have very nice offices and salaries they need to pay for.

[bigtombowski]

but andy, for a divorce, it's a pretty big thing is it not? (i can only posture, coz i have never been divorced)!

[somebody]

but andy, for a divorce, it's a pretty big thing is it not? (i can only posture, coz i have never been divorced)!

Nor me but Pete and others i know from the "real world ie work and the pub" say the same quite often

[ginapeterb]

Tom

your asking a fair question ? should you have a solicitor or not, in my experience, the answer is NO they tend to swallow up any equity you have in your home in fees, they are the only winners, and the parties to the divorce end up loosing everything because they cannot pay the extortionate fees that lawyers demand.

As I said I owed £18,000 and my ex wife £25,000 that is £43000 in fees, I could not pay it, she could not pay hers, it came out of the house equity, we both ended up with nothing.

Like I said, there is only 1 winner in a divorce agreement unless you are Heather Mills and Paul McCartney.

Solicitors and lawyers appointed by Country Court.

You take your chances once having been warned.

[bigtombowski]

i guess the best insurance is ... not rushing into a marriage lol! or ignoring warning signals!

[IanB]

OK some good news. My Mum and Dad haven't mentioned Mae since that first phone call. They have been completely nice to me, so thats good.

Looks like I will be selling the apartment soon too - removing my biggest financial worry!

Current wife is still in a poor state. One minute all is well, then she is sending me nasty text messages threatening not to agree the divorce, then she is saying she wants to go back to Thailand. Don't forget, SHE left ME! I do feel worried for her, I am sure that in some ways she regrets leaving me, and I'm also sure she will never come back. Very very sad, but I have another life to look forward to.

Ian

[bigtombowski]

seems present wife is a bit MENTAL
and ... good that ur mom and pop haven't said too much about mae. but you're a big boy now
and ... the apartment
U got some buyers?
WONDERFUL sooooooo happy na

[ginapeterb]

Ian,

I can see that you still care and worry about the wife sometimes, perhaps it helps us, if we know why she left you...what made her decide to call it a day, it seems she has mixed feelings.

Its good your parents are warming to the idea of Mae.

BEST OF LUCK

[KeithD]

I had a nut case ex....sent me about 10,000 letters!!! Still have them for psychiatric research ......gives the missus a bit of humour to read them

It stops after a while....took about 5 years for mine

[gingging]

wow, my ex must be 0ne in a million, we sorted everything out very peacefully. from ricky (gingxrick)

[IanB]

Why did she leave me?

First and foremost she could not accept the amount of maintenance I had to pay to my first wife.

Secondly she could not bear me spending time with or money on my son by my ex wife.

Thirdly I think she found it hard to accept the whole idea that my ex wife was still around. I should add here that I spend as little time as possible with my ex - the only time we talk is generally about parenting issues.

Fourthly she wanted kids. So did I, but we never hit enough financial stability to make the decision. Also, by the third year she had already left me for two periods of several months, not a good sign for a potential mother!

Fifthly, she says, not enough sex! I must admit, by the last year her behaviour and my worries meant that was probably true. But for me sex needs love both ways and maybe it just wasn't there.

I honestly feel she now has a set of contradictory feelings: she is glad to be rid of me and determined to move on. But she is scared of moving on, and realises that simply changing one aspect of your life does not turn it into a bed of roses.

What is so sad is that, at her best, she is a remarkable and capable and cheerful person. From a start of zero education she has laernt English, learnt to drive, got a very good job, studies, got an NVQ, built up a huge number of friends, bought herself a car. She should be self sufficient and enjoying life as a young free and single woman. But her mental problems are letting her down.

Ian