Married 8 years now! Still finding this tampo business hard to understand!

[angelbird]

Hi, We've been married now for 8 years. Lots of ups and downs as one would expect in any relationship. We have a lovely 6 year old daughter and I fear that my wife's over reaction to a recent argument is taking its toll on our daughter.

I popped over to a neighbour's house and had a few beers, got back late and she hasn't spoken to me since Friday. Actually, we haven't had an argument at all. She's angry at the fact that I had a few beers with a neighbour and has been sleeping on our daughter's bedroom floor ever since.

This is actually nothing new, but it hasn't happened for nearly 2 years. In that time our daughter is a little older and I can tell that it's hurting her.

Unfortunately, we have never been able to talk about anything really. I know it sounds weird but she will never talk about disagreements/disputes etc. I've always tried to understand this and respect it but I'm finding it difficult to accept 3 days (thus far) of her hostile attitude, as this punishment simply doesn't fit the crime! Furthermore, she's punishing our daughter by introducing a hateful vibe into our home.

Naturally, there is a more complex backstory involved, but i'd like to know whether this so called "tampo" thing is a myth or a cultural norm? I really can't see how this helps? I mean, I get she's punishing me but our daughter isn't Filipino culturally speaking and I feel blackmailed quite frankly.

I'd love to hear your collective thoughts on this please.

[Steve.r]

As I see it, there are two type of anger range. 1, Tampo - a mild disagreement where you cannot agree and your wife refuses to understand your point of view, but resolved with a bit of loving after a day or two. 2, Sumpong - a total refusal to see your point of view and complete refusal to see any logic or resolution to the problem.
I think you are at number 2.

Of course we only know a brief bit of the argument and it must be hard to have this in front of a young child, this must be avoided at all costs in my opinion.

It's difficult to know what to suggest, but try and make her see some sort of reason, some sort of logic and find a resolution that you can both agree on. If you have to say sorry, then do it. The main point is that your child is not the loser and she still sees that you are strong and love each other. We all go through tough times and the cultural differences still remain no matter how many years you have been together. Try and explain how it is affecting you and the child and find a solution.

[Michael Parnham]

Hi, We've been married now for 8 years. Lots of ups and downs as one would expect in any relationship. We have a lovely 6 year old daughter and I fear that my wife's over reaction to a recent argument is taking its toll on our daughter.

I popped over to a neighbour's house and had a few beers, got back late and she hasn't spoken to me since Friday. Actually, we haven't had an argument at all. She's angry at the fact that I had a few beers with a neighbour and has been sleeping on our daughter's bedroom floor ever since.

This is actually nothing new, but it hasn't happened for nearly 2 years. In that time our daughter is a little older and I can tell that it's hurting her.

Unfortunately, we have never been able to talk about anything really. I know it sounds weird but she will never talk about disagreements/disputes etc. I've always tried to understand this and respect it but I'm finding it difficult to accept 3 days (thus far) of her hostile attitude, as this punishment simply doesn't fit the crime! Furthermore, she's punishing our daughter by introducing a hateful vibe into our home.

Naturally, there is a more complex backstory involved, but i'd like to know whether this so called "tampo" thing is a myth or a cultural norm? I really can't see how this helps? I mean, I get she's punishing me but our daughter isn't Filipino culturally speaking and I feel blackmailed quite frankly.

I'd love to hear your collective thoughts on this please.

It's not Tampo that's the problem, it's Drink!

[SimonH]

It's not Tampo that's the problem, it's Drink!

Sorry Michael, but I think you're wrong. If I go out for a drink with friends then Shey just says, "fine see you later" and doesn't question what time I get back. In the same respect if she wants to go off to London to see friends I'm fine with that, I'll see her when she gets back.

Lack of communication is one of the problems as far as I can see it

[jake]

Lack of communication is one of the problems as far as I can see it

Sounds like more than a lack of communication IMO. There seems to be a trust issue, that started some years ago.

To the original poster. Do you think posting your personal problems on an open forum, is respecting your wife?

[fred]

To the original poster. Do you think posting your personal problems on an open forum, is respecting your wife?

Only if she reads it!! Then he will be in trouble.

My Mrs tried that stuff on me in the past..Longest was a full week..
I think what started her off back then was because I had a Bacon sarny and a can of Fosters on Easter Friday when she had cooked fish.
These days she is far more mature and she has long realized that Tampo just doesn't work on me.

Sorry Michael, but I think you're wrong. If I go out for a drink with friends then Shey just says fine see you later and doesn't question what time I get back. In the same respect if she wants to go off to London to see friends I'm fine with that, I'll see her when she gets back.

Thats exactly how we are Simon..

To the OP.
Dont say sorry if you have done nothing wrong.. Do that and you will make a rod for your own back as time goes on.

Treat 'em mean..Keep 'em keen!

[KeithD]

Go to the neighbours and have another drink till she grows up

[angelbird]

As I see it, there are two type of anger range. 1, Tampo - a mild disagreement where you cannot agree and your wife refuses to understand your point of view, but resolved with a bit of loving after a day or two. 2, Sumpong - a total refusal to see your point of view and complete refusal to see any logic or resolution to the problem.
I think you are at number 2

Thanks, I hadn't heard of Sumpong before and this is more accurate in this case then Tampo as you describe it - I'm used to this and it's totally acceptable and understandable and akin to being in "the dog house" lol.

@ Michael, Neither my wife or my daughter were exposed to my alcohol consumption that night so you are way of base. In fact, apart from the odd celebratory glass of wine I havn't drunk at all for 18 months. She goes out with her Filipina friends clubbing ect quite often which I encourage and welcome. It's easy to jump the gun and blame alcohol, if it was that simple I wouldn't be posting on here after a 6 year absence...

@ Jake, Is it respectful? All I know is I'm not being disrespectful IMO so the answer is no! To discuss this within our community probably would - hence my post here. If it were facebook then yes that would be an outrage! I feel this is anonomous and my motivations are not self-centred. Its about the effects regarding our daughter after all.

@Win2Win, lol. Actually that used to be my coping strategy a few years ago when we both would drink at home together. Any sign of an argument then I'd be off! Mulitple visits from the police with the "default arrest & no charge of the bigbad husband" ... this kinda left me no choice. Some gov. agency actually warned her to stop this behaviour and of course I protected her with "its a cultural thing". Dark days indeed!

[grahamw48]

My ex used to be the same ('tampos') , but fortunately we were able to conceal such behaviour from our boy.

Sadly every Fil/Brit relationship doesn't go the distance. Ours lasted 12 years until her cheating finally caught up with her.

Perhaps you could book an appointment with 'Relate', though even they may struggle to comprehend the full extent of the cultural differences.

[Dedworth]

..Longest was a full week..

Dont say sorry if you have done nothing wrong.. Do that and you will make a rod for your own back as time goes on.
Treat em mean..Keep em keen.

I've had a week's sentence in the past, nowadays seldom more than half a day as I button my lip and show no reaction. It'll be a conditional discharge soon.

Sound advice Fred

[Rosie1958]

Angelbird - As a British woman, I find the sort of behaviour described as ridiculously childish but there is clearly a past that has also been mentioned that could be affecting it. There are always two sides to every story ............... if you want to have a sustainable relationship, you both need to find a way to start talking with each other about the issues and then resolve them together

[Michael Parnham]

Angelbird - As a British woman, I find the sort of behaviour described as ridiculously childish but there is clearly a past that has also been mentioned that could be affecting it. There are always two sides to every story ............... if you want to have a sustainable relationship, you both need to find a way to start talking with each other about the issues and then resolve them together

Well said Rosie, I'll agree with that!

[Ako Si Jamie]

Ah....the notorious tampo! Been a victim myself on several occasions in the past.

I remember one time Maria taking off on one for half a day. I asked her a day or so later what the reason was. Apparently I annoyed her by asking her if she was hungry.

[Ako Si Jamie]

Angelbird - As a British woman, I find the sort of behaviour described as ridiculously childish but there is clearly a past that has also been mentioned that could be affecting it. There are always two sides to every story ............... if you want to have a sustainable relationship, you both need to find a way to start talking with each other about the issues and then resolve them together

Agreed, Rosie

[SimonH]

Ah....the notorious tampo! Been a victim myself on several occasions in the past.

I remember one time Maria taking off on one for half a day. I asked her a day or so later what the reason was. Apparently I annoyed her by asking her if she was hungry.

I knocked this on the head, well as best as I could at the beginning of our relationship (still get it a bit now but just play the same game )
First time it happened I called a taxi, when asked where I was going I said nowhere it's for you, come back when you've grown up
Got the call the following morning saying sorry and could I pick her up from her friends

[bigmarco]

Naturally, there is a more complex backstory involved, but i'd like to know whether this so called "tampo" thing is a myth or a cultural norm? I really can't see how this helps? I mean, I get she's punishing me but our daughter isn't Filipino culturally speaking and I feel blackmailed quite frankly.

@Win2Win, lol. Actually that used to be my coping strategy a few years ago when we both would drink at home together. Any sign of an argument then I'd be off! Mulitple visits from the police with the "default arrest & no charge of the bigbad husband" ... this kinda left me no choice. Some gov. agency actually warned her to stop this behaviour and of course I protected her with "its a cultural thing". Dark days indeed!

Seems a little bit more deep rooted than the odd Tampo to me. Graham's suggestion doesn't seem a bad one. Many of our wives sacrifice a lot to be with us so we need to recognise that it can be difficult for them to slot into what we call "normal" - as in most instances they have nobody to turn to for help and guidance.

A session with 'Relate' or some similar organisation can do no harm and might help you as well as her.

I hope it all works out for you.

[splitpin]

I knocked this on the head, well as best as I could at the beginning of our relationship (still get it a bit now but just play the same game )
First time it happened I called a taxi, when asked where I was going I said nowhere it's for you, come back when you've grown up
Got the call the following morning saying sorry and could I pick her up from her friends

I'll remember that one, lol

[Dedworth]

Got the call the following morning saying sorry and could I pick her up from her friends

I had similar - replied that I was happy to pick her up from the train station

[splitpin]

Sad situation, but can happen with all nationalities.

All I can say is, just be your normal self in front of your daughter until it's resolved.

Wish you luck.

[Arthur Little]

Apparently I annoyed her by asking her if she was *hungry.

Probably because she *was ............................. ... hence the tampo!

[Ako Si Jamie]

By the time tampo no.5 came along I was getting slightly narked and it resulted in her packing her bags and leaving the hotel in Alaminos on my last trip over. I stayed in the hotel for around an hour before making my way to the bus station to see if she was there. She was, and after a few words about snapping out of it and an ultimatum, we enjoyed a nice day together and she carried on like nothing had happened.

I've never tried this but launching a counter-attacking tampo, British style, could be a viable option.

[grahamw48]

I thought the British option was to go out and get pissed, then, after losing your keys you end up begging her to get out of bed at 3am to let you in the house. It then takes her another hour to to reach the front door...and another 3 days to start speaking to you again.

[SimonH]

By the time tampo no.5 came along

Surely a cue for a song

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=EK_LN3XEcnw

I would be surprised if it hasn't been covered already, but if it hasn't then Jamie could do it and become a Filipino pop star

[Ako Si Jamie]

Surely a cue for a song

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=EK_LN3XEcnw

I would be surprised if it hasn't been covered already, but if it hasn't then Jamie could do it and become a Filipino pop star

I wondered if anyone would pick up on that. Well spotted.

[PAT]

I don't really know what to say...maybe ignoring her tampo and you carrying on as normal until this tampo of hers is gone, then talking to her about what was really making her angry. I think there are other things aside from what you've mentioned which she could not discuss with you. Try to find out.

[Michael Parnham]

Must admit Maritess never has a Tampo. Quite the opposite - she's the most angry woman on the planet and can't be quiet for a moment when she's annoyed with something or someone. It all lasts only half an hour though, and after she's settled down she's heaven!

[grahamw48]

I don't really know what to say...maybe ignoring her tampo and you carrying on as normal until this tampo of hers is gone, then talking to her about what was really making her angry. I think there are other things aside from what you mentioned which she could not discuss with you. Try to find out.

What is the point in being married to someone if you can't discuss everything with them ? It has to do with the concept of sharing and trust.

This I believe, is where there is a big difference between the Filipino and British cultures.

[Rosie1958]

What is the point in being married to someone if you can't discuss everything with them ? It has to do with the concept of sharing and trust....................

Definitely agree with you there, Graham!

[stevewool]

Was it planned for you to go out and do you think you overstepped the mark? If you think you have done nothing wrong then say so to her. You cannot beat face to face talking, that is the only way of sorting it out. Yes ask for help from others who may have been there sort of thing, but it's down to two grown up people to sort this out. Good luck!

[angelbird]

lol... Why would a filipina take 3 hours getting ready for an emergency situation? You my friend have been taking the "Filipino Time pill". And thus, your scenario is plausible.

In response to...Great post btw!

I thought the British option was to go out and get pissed, then, after losing your keys you end up begging her to get out of bed at 3am to let you in the house. It then takes her another hour to to reach the front door...and another 3 days to start speaking to you again.