Help regarding sleeping arrangements

[jack86]

Been thinking a while now and have realised that we are too different to stay together. I want another child to finally put the missing piece of jigsaw together but have realised that by asking for this will only upset her further as her career is more important at the moment and it's not the right time, especially in these circumstances.

I must call her bluff on this to finally get to the truth and that's why I will be considering divorce proceedings to finally have settlement - also my sanity - and finally be free to move on.

Once again, thank you everybody,

Kind regards,

Jack...

[fred]

All the best Jack.
Let us know how you get on.
Cheers,
Fred.

[Terpe]

Been thinking a while now and have realised that we are too different to stay together. I want another child to finally put the missing piece of jigsaw together but have realised that by asking for this will only upset her further as her career is more important at the moment and it's not the right time, especially in these circumstances.

I must call her bluff on this to finally get to the truth and that's why I will be considering divorce proceedings to finally have settlement - also my sanity - and finally be free to move on.

Once again, thank you everybody,

Kind regards,

Jack...

We all deserve to be happy Jack
Good luck and best wishes for a happy future

[Harry T]

Good luck Jack, remember we are always here for you, so don't feel alone.

[Rosie1958]

Jack ….. a little piece of well-meaning advice for you …….

You state you met and promised to marry a young woman that you clearly didn’t know properly and then returned to Philippines to do so after only 8 weeks of your first meeting. In my opinion, that is very irresponsible and a recipe for disaster. Sadly, there is also a little girl involved in all of this who thinks that you are her daddy.

You appear to have brought much of your unhappiness on through your own irrational behaviours and actions (marry in haste, repent in leisure….). I hope that you will learn from your experiences and I would recommend that you also consider seeking a few counselling sessions to help you cope with your feelings of low self esteem. I do hope that you will take this in the way it’s meant …… to help.

Best of luck for the future.

[jack86]

Jack ….. a little piece of well-meaning advice for you …….

You state you met and promised to marry a young woman that you clearly didn’t know properly and then returned to Philippines to do so after only 8 weeks of your first meeting. In my opinion, that is very irresponsible and a recipe for disaster. Sadly, there is also a little girl involved in all of this who thinks that you are her daddy.

You appear to have brought much of your unhappiness on through your own irrational behaviours and actions (marry in haste, repent in leisure….). I hope that you will learn from your experiences and I would recommend that you also consider seeking a few counselling sessions to help you cope with your feelings of low self esteem. I do hope that you will take this in the way it’s meant …… to help.

Best of luck for the future.

Rosie I have read many of your posts on here regarding the help and support you offer others and the advice given is very much appreciated and accepted in greatest regard.

Yes I did marry my wife after just 8 weeks of meeting her and I know it was done so in haste, I had just come out of a long 14 year relationship and threw myself open to the wolves as to speak and was besotted by her beauty and charm.

Don't get me wrong she is a hard woman to understand and is so damned independent, but if there is something going on then I hold all the aces and won't think twice about divorcing her and severing my sponsorship to boot.

I will fight for rights to my daughter as I have a good job working as a Chartered Accountant and earning more than 5 times her salary with a beautiful home - all mortgage free.

I have spoken to my lawyers regarding rights and I am in a very good position under the new 5-year rule. It has certainly been good for me if she is playing a game, because under old rules she would have had ILR by now and be entitled to up to half of everything I own.

Anyway, I will keep you guys posted and, if this is a bad apple, then it will surely be put in the garbage.

Thanks once again,

Jack...

[Ako Si Jamie]

You sound so open and honest, Jack - and while the good people will love and appreciate you for it, the not-so-good ones will take advantage of those traits for their own personal gain.

So my advice would be to keep your cards closer to your chest when you next meet a woman and look for her inner qualities - maybe ones that mirror your own before emptying your glass so to speak. Just don't hand your soul over freely to someone who you barely know and hasn't earned that right.

[Dedworth]

Best of luck Jack you've had the patience of Job, and now you're doing some good groundwork, she could be in for a shock

[jack86]

You sound so open and honest, Jack - and while the good people will love and appreciate you for it, the not-so-good ones will take advantage of those traits for their own personal gain.

So my advice would be to keep your cards closer to your chest when you next meet a woman and look for her inner qualities - maybe ones that mirror your own before emptying your glass so to speak. Just don't hand your soul over freely to someone who you barely know and hasn't earned that right.

Thanks Jamie,

You sound such a sincere honest guy and I appreciate your advice and help on here.

Just to say one thing against others warning me off. I will give her an ultimatum to give me a biological child I have desired for so many years; maybe, just maybe, this will be the catalyst that throws open a can of worms so to speak.

I do truly believe she is a genuine and honest person but has a fear that if she gives me the full truth she knows she could lose me for good.

Having to find out that my daughter was not mine was devastating to say the least, and 6 months ago I lost a daughter and gained a step daughter. It's like a grieving process - but without a grave to visit - if you know what I mean.

The whole concept has thrown me into a wilderness beyond my own imagination and has caused me depression issues and self-neglect - even though I think of her welfare above my own and after everything still love her.

I just wish to take time away from all this spinning inside my head and find clarity without been posed as a despot holding onto something which doesn't seem reality anymore.

I see from your posts Jamie that you have been in similar circumstances as me and I hope everything goes well for you.

Thank you for your kind words...

Jack...

[jack86]

Best of luck Jack youv've had the patience of Job, and now you're doing some good groundwork, she could be in for a shock

Thanks Dedworth...

[Arthur Little]

T
Anyway, I will have a long hard think on what the best step forward is but like you said my happiness has to come first, that is something I am starting to realise.

Well ... whatever you decide, good luck ... ... you'll be alright, Jack!

[Trefor]

Hi Jack - so sorry to read your stories and I do hope things work out in the end. One thing you say scares me a little in your recent post, you mention giving her the ultimatum of having a second/your child. Surely this is not necessarily the right way to go about this? She gets pregnant after a quick rummage and still remains the same person/and your relationship doesn't improve. 2 years down the line you finally separate and then YOUR child is in a broken family, and you will have a nightmare. Isn't the best thing to talk with her and explain that you want a loving wife as part of the marriage? You respect her work, her family, her child but you should both be a couple. I think this needs to happen before any baby producing. She either changes and becomes your wife in all ways or not. You can't just use her as a baby making machine. I do understand why you may give her this ultimatum but don't underestimate her IYKWIM.

Best of luck and please keep us updated.

[Harry T]

Jack,
I didnt intend commenting anymore as things stood, bcuz you are your own person and will make up your own mind, However you have since said you had just come out of a 14 year relationship (never easy) and basically jumped into the arms of the first woman that came along. Yeah i know some people believe in Love at first sight and it does happen but rarely, i think you were infatuated with this women, and you let your Heart rule your head (perfectly understandable) given that she is a pretty and inteligent young woman.

You mention of giving her an ultimatum of giving you your own Biological child, that is just what more or less EVERYONE has advised AGAINST. You need to think very clearly about the consequences of doing that Jack, right now you hold the upper hand, albeit that you are NOT happy, and seemingly have what could be best described as a sham marriage, but you can at this moment, and i quote your words

(I have spoken to my lawyers regarding rights and I am in a very good position under the new 5-year rule. It has certainly been good for me if she is playing a game, because under old rules she would have had ILR by now and be entitled to up to half of everything I own.)

Now just supposing you do get your OWN biological child by her, but things remain the same within the marriage, NO affection, Sleeping in seperate rooms, etc etc, remember by this time she will be further down the immigration road ILR, entitlement to half of what you own and what you earn (entitled to be kept in a way that she is used to) which will leave you in a very difficult position with regards your Biological Child, and NOT only that but an awkward financial position should you enter into another relationship at some future date. Then is it fair and wise to bring another Child into what you have already said is an unhappy home ?.
I really think you SHOULD reconsider this ultimatum you say you will give her, she may just agree to YOUR ultimatum knowing full well this will give her the time she needs to comply with the New Immigration rules, and then YOU and YOUR Child will be in a far worse situation than you are now, but SHE could/would be in a far stronger position by not only qualifying for ILR, but also being Mother to YOUR Biological child, and everything that brings with it with regards to the financial situation.

Jack, Walk away Now, or do whatever you deem to be best, but having a child in your present situation is probably the worst thing you could do.

[grahamw48]

Good post Harry, and I totally agree with all that you've written.

I might add...much easier to find a new woman than to separate your heart from your own biological child.

As (I believe Jack is) a young man too, plenty of time !

[jack86]

Jack,
I didnt intend commenting anymore as things stood, bcuz you are your own person and will make up your own mind, However you have since said you had just come out of a 14 year relationship (never easy) and basically jumped into the arms of the first woman that came along. Yeah i know some people believe in Love at first sight and it does happen but rarely, i think you were infatuated with this women, and you let your Heart rule your head (perfectly understandable) given that she is a pretty and inteligent young woman.

You mention of giving her an ultimatum of giving you your own Biological child, that is just what more or less EVERYONE has advised AGAINST. You need to think very clearly about the consequences of doing that Jack, right now you hold the upper hand, albeit that you are NOT happy, and seemingly have what could be best described as a sham marriage, but you can at this moment, and i quote your words

(I have spoken to my lawyers regarding rights and I am in a very good position under the new 5-year rule. It has certainly been good for me if she is playing a game, because under old rules she would have had ILR by now and be entitled to up to half of everything I own.)

Now just supposing you do get your OWN biological child by her, but things remain the same within the marriage, NO affection, Sleeping in seperate rooms, etc etc, remember by this time she will be further down the immigration road ILR, entitlement to half of what you own and what you earn (entitled to be kept in a way that she is used to) which will leave you in a very difficult position with regards your Biological Child, and NOT only that but an awkward financial position should you enter into another relationship at some future date. Then is it fair and wise to bring another Child into what you have already said is an unhappy home ?.
I really think you SHOULD reconsider this ultimatum you say you will give her, she may just agree to YOUR ultimatum knowing full well this will give her the time she needs to comply with the New Immigration rules, and then YOU and YOUR Child will be in a far worse situation than you are now, but SHE could/would be in a far stronger position by not only qualifying for ILR, but also being Mother to YOUR Biological child, and everything that brings with it with regards to the financial situation.

Jack, Walk away Now, or do whatever you deem to be best, but having a child in your present situation is probably the worst thing you could do.

Certainly food for thought and I was also thinking along those lines.

I love my daughter as my own as I have always believed she was but I do understand that losing a biological child would be more devestating than a step child yes definitely food for thought.

Thanks Harry and graham also all the other guys who have commented.

As they say plenty of more fish in the sea and if I ever go down that road of a future overseas relationship then things certainly will be different... Oh god sure will...

[Ako Si Jamie]

No Jack, you're going backwards with that idea.

I think you need to stay clear of relationships for a year or so and give yourself and your emotions a break, recharge your batteries and clear your head. It'll make you stronger and less vulnerable and you can start from scratch again and search for that woman who will love you as much as you love her. Would you rather have a child with someone like that or with an unloving wife in a marriage which is practically on the rocks?

[jack86]

No Jack, you're going backwards with that idea.

I think you need to stay clear of relationships for a year or so and give yourself and your emotions a break, recharge your batteries and clear your head. It'll make you stronger and less vulnerable and you can start from scratch again and search for that woman who will love you as much as you love her. Would you rather have a child with someone like that or with an unloving wife in a marriage which is practically on the rocks?

I know Jamie will be a long time before I throw my desperate vulnerability open again, I am gonna live my life as a single guy and I know what my destiny is all about its my choice to ditch the negative influences out of my life once and for all.

Jack...

[jack86]

Hi guys I have made a decision to let Maria confess all to my family as I cannot live with these lies any more.

I believe the fear inside her is them finding out one day that she is not my own child - and I know they have suspicions - but I have learned to become a pretty good liar myself, which kills all my beliefs as a Christian.

I even told them the Passport Office asked for a paternity test before I could apply for her British Passport and they swallowed it hook line and sinker and it kills me to see how they have become so attached and what the truth would do.

How the hell do I deal with what's going on inside my head?

Guys you have been a Godsend thank you Jack...

[grahamw48]

The longer it goes on (living the lie), the worse it will get Jack.

I've brought up two Filipino stepkids from very young, incidentally, plus the one of our own, before divorcing after 12 years.

My stepson and stepdaughter still get on with me really well, and call me dad, though they've flown the nest long ago.

[grahamw48]

Oh, and I didn't date another Filipina until I was 60, and we've been together 3 years now.

[Harry T]

Oh, and I didn't date another Filipina until I was 60, and we've been together 3 years now.

There's hope for me yet then Graham

[jack86]

Oh, and I didn't date another Filipina until I was 60, and we've been together 3 years now.

God, that makes me smile. Get in there Jack!

[grahamw48]

...and she's expecting.

[Harry T]

Hi guys, I have made a decision to let Maria confess all to my family - as I cannot live with these lies any more.

I believe the fear inside her is them finding out one day that she is not my own child - and I know they have suspicions - but I have learned to become a pretty good liar myself, which kills all my beliefs as a Christian.

I even told them the Passport Office asked for a paternity test before I could apply for her British Passport and they swallowed it hook line and sinker, and it kills me to see how they have become so attached and what the truth would do.

How the hell do I deal with what's going on inside my head?

Guys you have been a godsend thank you Jack...

Good to see some positivity Jack and - even more so - to see some common sense to go along with it. Stay positive, think clearly, KNOW what you want and go for it. And this time, don't do the 8-week wonder thing! . There are lots of lovely, loving Filipino ladies who would jump at half a chance to show YOU Love. And hey, this self esteem thing, don't do yourself down, you have a good job, security, generally you are a sensible guy, and have Christian beliefs. Much like many Filipinos. I tell you what Jack, you post an ad of when you intend to go to the Philippines again, and there will be a Queue of ladies lining up at the Airport wanting to meet you. I say this in all seriousness, because with YOUR background you really are a catch for some lucky lady. So stay positive!

[Harry T]

...and she's expecting.

Don't you have a TV?

[grahamw48]

Dont you have a TV ?

NO !

Hey, if this silly old sod can find a sweet Filipina, then anyone can. Lol

.

[Harry T]

NO !

Hey, if this silly old sod can find a sweet Filipina, then anyone can. Lol

.

Graham, looking at that picture, who needs a TV?

[PAT]

Hello Jack86, you've got a lot of very good advices already, so I just wanna say I am hoping all the best for you in the future. Stay strong and positive.

[bigmarco]

Yeah Jack a lot of sound advice has been offered here and I hope you manage to sort things out.

I think it would be so much better if you could stand on the outside with us looking in and see things from our perspective. Like what advice you would give to say, your brother, or your best friend, if they were in your position.

Good luck.

[jack86]

Just an update guys,

My wife like I said is very career orientatated and wants to pursue her vocation as a nurse and has been worried by wanting this so much as she doesn't need to work at all but she needs to do this as this was her vocation in the Phils.

She wants me to accept her dreams and basically let her do what she's always wanted but was to worried incase I would go against her wishes.

We have discussed in detail and opened both our hearts and found some sort of path forward regarding our fears, worries ect and decided to change things and bring some harmony into this marriage.

I feel a great relief on both sides as Maria thanked me for understanding her dreams and the first time in a long time I seen that sparkle back in her eyes.

I have told her to establish herself and prepare her for academic IELTS so her dreams can come true also baby number 2 planned for late 2016....