Help regarding sleeping arrangements

[jack86]

Hi everyone, been a while since I last posted but is this normal?

My wife and I have been sleeping in separate rooms since our little girl was 6 months old, as she has her in the bed with her all the time and she is now 2.

My wife says this is normal in the Phils and that her own mother and father sleep separately.

Just miss the closeness we once had, as she reminds me constantly that we are not girlfriend/boyfriend like before and we now have a family.

I know someone on here will say man up, but she is a beautiful person with so many good qualities and I just want back what we once had. I am so lonely and bored with all of this and miss the past good times.

She even said she will give me a child of my own this year as since my previous post, I found out I was not the biological father of my daughter.

I don't know how I feel anymore about all of this and whether I want any future children now. All my expectations feel deflated even though I love her - but not like I used to.

Thank you...

[Ako Si Jamie]

I would feel exactly the same, Jack. It's nothing to be ashamed of.

[jack86]

I would feel exactly the same, Jack. It's nothing to be ashamed of.

Thank you Jamie, but just wondering what to do. My family don't know this little girl is not mine even though she shows full Filipino characteristics. I just make them believe she takes after her mother and the next one will maybe look like us both...

[stevewool]

One thing at a time! Sort out the life you are wanting with your wife and daughter first before you start planning another child.

Talking is the only way you will sort this out. Maybe your wife is missing the Phils - remember, it's very hard to adjust for many who come here.

Just my thoughts

[raynaputi]

I think you need to talk to her and tell her how you feel. Keeping it all from her will just makes things worse. She needs to understand that you both also need time for each other. And I can't believe you both are sleeping apart!

Yes, having the kid sleeping with the parents is normal practice in the Philippines. We were like that with my parents. BUT, my parents never slept apart, only when my grandma was having difficulties and needed someone to be with her when she was still alive (her house was just a couple of houses away from ours and my dad took care of her). Even up to now my parents are very affectionate with each other and never gets shy of showing it to us (hugs & kisses).

[joebloggs]

Thank you Jamie, but just wondering what to do. My family don't know this little girl is not mine even though she shows full Filipino characteristics. I just make them believe she takes after her mother and the next one will maybe look like us both...

But she is your stepdaughter and to her, you are her dad

Get a smaller bed for your daughter and put it next to your bed.

[grahamw48]

It sounds to me like you have been taken for a total mug and are being used.

Sorry.

You need to examine this situation very carefully and find out what each of you have brought to the partnership, and what each of you are getting out of it, as well as what is likely to lie ahead, in the cold light of day.

Has your wife STILL got a Filipino partner somewhere ?

A question that needs to be asked.

[SimonH]

It sounds to me like you have been taken for a total mug and are being used.

Sorry.

You need to examine this situation very carefully and find out what each of you have brought to the partnership, and what each of you are getting out of it, as well as what is likely to lie ahead, in the cold light of day.

Has your wife STILL got a Filipino partner somewhere ?

A question that needs to be asked.

I have to agree with this, it's time you told your wife how you feel.

Sleeping in separate rooms may have been ok for her parents in the Philippines, but you're not them and you're not there. You say she keeps reminding you that you're not boyfriend and girlfriend now that you're a family, but someone else is the father of her child.

Sorry to be blunt but either sort this out now or it'll get worse

[jack86]

I finally found out from my wife 6 months ago she was attacked by an ex at a party about a week before we first met hence the pregnancy but she kept it from me for 18 months.

It was only after I had a paternity test done when I found out the truth.

She told me she was drunk at the time and was not aware what had happened but insists it was against her consent and found him in bed next to her the next morning when she told him she never wanted to see him again.

No Graham she told me I am her only one and truly loves me.

Rayanputi maybe I am blowing this all apart as she has told me to move back into the bedroom at anytime I want but I feel so much has been lost.

I am the affectionate one and she very very rarely shows any sort of affection, I can count on one hand the times she has showed me any, I am the one who initiates anything will all set times when we can spend any time together which is normally a 15 romp pardon the pun.

She is a very hard person to read and says she has always been not really affectionate towards anybody but I don't know what to believe anymore, I just wish I was happy like I once was before I found all of this stuff out.

Anyway will leave it there for now and thanks for the advice so far.

Kind regards,

Jack...

[Ako Si Jamie]

I finally found out from my wife 6 months ago she was attacked by an ex at a party about a week before we first met hence the pregnancy but she kept it from me for 18 months.

It was only after I had a paternity test done when I found out the truth.

She told me she was drunk at the time and was not aware what had happened but insists it was against her consent and found him in bed next to her the next morning when she told him she never wanted to see him again.

No Graham she told me I am her only one and truly loves me.

Rayanputi maybe I am blowing this all apart as she has told me to move back into the bedroom at anytime I want but I feel so much has been lost.

I am the affectionate one and she very very rarely shows any sort of affection, I can count on one hand the times she has showed me any, I am the one who initiates anything will all set times when we can spend any time together which is normally a 15 romp pardon the pun.

She is a very hard person to read and says she has always been not really affectionate towards anybody but I don't know what to believe anymore, I just wish I was happy like I once was before I found all of this stuff out.

Anyway will leave it there for now and thanks for the advice so far.

Kind regards,

Jack...

After reading this I think Graham has a point if I'm being totally honest, Jack.

She may say she truly loves you but the proof of the pudding is in her actions, and from what you've told us, I can't see any evidence of that on her behalf.

[Ako Si Jamie]

By the way, Jack, how long has she been in this country?

[jack86]

By the way, Jack, how long has she been in this country?

Just gone 2 years under new rules Jamie.

[joebloggs]

Has your wife STILL got a Filipino partner somewhere ?

A question that needs to be asked.

I think the answer to that is probably not, I can't see many Filipino guys waiting 2 yrs, as his wife has been in the UK for more than 2 yrs.

Has your wife been back to the Phils Jack? Does she talk about going home or being homesick?

It's 6 months now since your first post, has anything changed? Looks like it hasn't

[timi]

Graham has a good point. Ako Si Jamie sums it up well.

Makes me realise - yet again - how lucky I am. Hope it sorts itself out for you.

[jack86]

I think the answer to that is probably not, I can't see many Filipino guys waiting 2 yrs, as his wife has been in the UK for more than 2 yrs.

Has your wife been back to the Phils Jack? Does she talk about going home or being homesick?

It's 6 months now since your first post, has anything changed? Looks like it hasn't

Yes Joe, she has been back to the Phils twice, I have also taken her on another 4 foreign holidays apart from that.

Yes, she does miss her family but seems happy and settled here nevertheless. She has her own job and I let her keep all of her salary to do with as she pleases. I sort all bills out as well as supporting our daughter. I also give her money to buy clothes etc. My family said she is lucky to have someone like me.

I do feel happy sometimes Joe, but at other times feel distant. Maybe it's just me, because I am a very loving person who treats his wife with the utmost respect and will do anything to make her happy.

She tells me she loves me truly and I would end up regretting it if I was to walk away because she says the love she has for me is real and that she would never hurt me intentionally. Also her own family doesn't know the truth about our daughter but she thinks they suspect.

She also told me she would have aborted our daughter at the time if she knew 100% that her ex was the father, because in between her ex attacking her and myself having sex with her was just a week apart....

[joebloggs]

Well, as your wife had been back to the Phils twice, if she didn't want to be with you she could have told you when she was in the Phils she wasn't going back to the UK.

[Arthur Little]

Jack ... from what you've shared here with us, you have nothing to be ashamed of, believe me.

... many a bloke in your shoes would've eventually come to the sad realisation they were "flogging a dead horse" and walked out long ago!

OK ... ... your wife says she loves you ... but she has an odd way of showing it, quite frankly.

[cheekee]

Have no advice really but just wanted to say take care and I hope things work out for you

[Rosie1958]

Jack, I’m so sorry to learn of your unhappiness. I find your wife’s explanation of her pregnancy to be rather odd. As a woman, if I had recently been raped, there would be absolutely no way that I could become intimate just a week later with another man who I’d never even met in person before. I guess we are all different.

Something obviously steered you into having a paternity test and lack of trust may have understandably played a big part in this.

Sadly, it’s not previously unheard of that some women have found a Westerner to provide a source of income that is sent back to a partner. So, I think that Graham’s question about another partner is a rightly raised, particularly since this could also affect the giving of love and affection.

This is clearly more than an issue about sleeping arrangements. Being starved of love and affection, feeling used and being lied to doesn’t make a healthy recipe for a good long lasting relationship. No doubt it will also affect your self-esteem and how you feel about yourself, as well as the relationship with your wife

I just hope that your wife isn’t continuing to be untruthful/ lie to you and is trustworthy. If you have already explored the above with your wife and you have accepted her explanation, then it’s time to stop beating yourself up about it and to put the issue to bed….. excuse the pun! If not, I would suggest that you sit down with her and discuss further

[Terpe]

Jack, I’m so sorry to learn of your unhappiness. I find your wife’s explanation of her pregnancy to be rather odd. As a woman, if I had recently been raped, there would be absolutely no way that I could become intimate just a week later with another man who I’d never even met in person before. I guess we are all different.

Something obviously steered you into having a paternity test and lack of trust may have understandably played a big part in this.

Sadly, it’s not previously unheard of that some women have found a Westerner to provide a source of income that is sent back to a partner. So, I think that Graham’s question about another partner is a rightly raised, particularly since this could also affect the giving of love and affection.

This is clearly more than an issue about sleeping arrangements. Being starved of love and affection, feeling used and being lied to doesn’t make a healthy recipe for a good long lasting relationship. No doubt it will also affect your self-esteem and how you feel about yourself, as well as the relationship with your wife

I just hope that your wife isn’t continuing to be untruthful/ lie to you and is trustworthy. If you have already explored the above with your wife and you have accepted her explanation, then it’s time to stop beating yourself up about it and to put the issue to bed….. excuse the pun! If not, I would suggest that you sit down with her and discuss further

Rosie,
Good post. Mirrors my own thoughts 100%

Jack,
I too am fearful this is not solely about sleeping arrangements.
You must sit down together with your wife and discuss all possible reasons for her behaviours and really get the the bottom of what she is doing and why.

Personally I do not think you should bring a child into a world with such dysfunctional family life.

[Harry T]

Jack86, it's tough reading your problem, and being divorced, I guess I'm not the best to be giving advice.

However, firstly you have nothing to be feeling guilty about you yourself have done nothing wrong.

However here goes: I find it very unusual that your Gf knowing you were going to be visiting her in 7 days allowed herself to be in a position where she got drunk, and found another guy in her bed when she woke up. I suppose really that's the ONLY plausible explanation she could give you, she was never going to tell you it was her last fling before you came out.

Yes, having a young child does need adjustments and is difficult, but to remain in separate rooms after 2 years, I'm afraid that's difficult to accept. It seems your wife is showing symptoms of not wanting your love, (these are the symptoms she should have shown 1 week after the alleged NONE consent) and you appear to have more like a Brother and Sister relationship right now, and to be in separate rooms after 2 years is not normal whatever country you are in.

Every one of us wants to Love and be Loved - that's a normal, natural behaviour.

You, at the moment, and over the recent past, are not getting this from your wife. How does she expect you to feel? If you are not getting something at home, then it's a normal reaction to look elsewhere. You at the moment have not done this, but believe me, sooner or later you will. All that your wife has said to you is she will give you your own child (WOW, how generous of her to consider a natural thing) this year. DON'T do it Jack86, your marriage is NOT stable enough.

You need to sit down with her and decide where YOU are heading. Look her in the eye and ask her outright if she loves YOU. If she says yes, then YOU need to tell her she HAS to start showing it, because right now YOU are NOT feeling her Love for YOU. Give her time - let's say 6 months or so - and see if things change. Don't plan a child during this time. After this, chat and if things don't change then you know there is only one choice for YOU. And, if you don't want to stay in a loveless marriage, you HAVE to make that decision.

If your wife says she doesn't Love YOU, then you can go ahead with your decision more or less straight away. However, in MY opinion your wife is NOT going to say this, she is going to want to hold on to what she has, a roof over her head, a comfortable Lifestyle which includes more than average number of holidays, a husband who foots all the bills, a husband who contributes to the upbringing of another's child. It's a lifestyle she could only Dream of back home in the Phils, and really your wife doesn't contribute much - if anything - to this marriage either financially or emotionally.

She says she loves you, and would never hurt you intentionally. Doesn't she realise that's exactly what she is doing right now? And YOU would regret it if you walked away. Yes, maybe you would have regrets, but will YOU not have bigger regrets if you stay in an apparently loveless marriage ?

Whatever you decide Jack86, you know in your own mind you can't carry on as you are at this moment in time, it's not normal behaviour. Take as long as you need to sort your problems out, but this seems to me a one way relationship. If that's what you want, then fine, stick with it. If she can't give you what you need - and it's NOT another child right now - please don't use another baby to try to repair what's wrong.

Good luck with whatever you decide. I think YOU know in your own mind things can't go on, which is why you posted. I was in a relationship/married 20 years, I had 3 step children as was often thrown at me (blood is thicker than water) during ANY argument she always sided with them. I'm now divorced. My biggest regret? That I didn't divorce sooner. My present circumstances? I am alone, I could go back to my ex tomorrow, but the problems we had then would still be there, so I choose to remain alone. I really hope YOU can sort this out but, in your heart of hearts, I think you already know the answer. I have tried to see this from a neutral's perspective; in all truth, I cant see ONE thing YOU are getting from this sham of a marriage. HARSH, I know, but that's what it is..

[robbie bobby]

Jack86, it's tough reading your problem, and being divorced, I guess I'm not the best to be giving advice.

However, firstly you have nothing to be feeling guilty about, you yourself have done nothing wrong.

However, here goes:

I find it very unusual that your Gf knowing you were going to be visiting her in 7 days allowed herself to be in a position where she got drunk, and found another guy in her bed when she woke up. I suppose really that's the ONLY plausible explanation she could give you, she was never going to tell you it was her last fling before you came out.

Yes, having a young child does need adjustments and is difficult, but to remain in separate rooms after 2 years, I'm afraid that's difficult to accept. It seems your wife is showing symptoms of not wanting your love, (these are the symptoms she should have shown 1 week after the alleged NONE consent) and you appear to have more like a Brother and Sister relationship right now, and to be in separate rooms after 2 years is not normal whatever country you are in.

Every one of us wants to Love and be Loved - that's a normal, natural behaviour.

You, at the moment, and over the recent past, are not getting this from your wife. How does she expect you to feel? If you are not getting something at home, then it's a normal reaction to look elsewhere. You at the moment have not done this, but believe me, sooner or later you will. All that your wife has said to you is she will give you your own child (WOW, how generous of her to consider a natural thing) this year. DON'T do it Jack86, your marriage is NOT stable enough.

You need to sit down with her and decide where YOU are heading. Look her in the eye and ask her outright if she loves YOU. If she says yes, then YOU need to tell her she HAS to start showing it, because right now YOU are NOT feeling her Love for YOU. Give her time - let's say 6 months or so - and see if things change. Don't plan a child during this time. After this, chat and if things don't change then you know there is only one choice for YOU. And, if you don't want to stay in a loveless marriage, you HAVE to make that decision.

If your wife says she doesn't Love YOU, then you can go ahead with your decision more or less straight away. However, in MY opinion your wife is NOT going to say this, she is going to want to hold on to what she has, a roof over her head, a comfortable Lifestyle which includes more than average number of holidays, a husband who foots all the bills, a husband who contributes to the upbringing of another's child. It's a lifestyle she could only Dream of back home in the Phils, and really your wife doesn't contribute much - if anything - to this marriage either financially or emotionally.

She says she loves you, and would never hurt you intentionally. Doesn't she realise that's exactly what she is doing right now? And YOU would regret it if you walked away. Yes, maybe you would have regrets, but will YOU not have bigger regrets if you stay in an apparently loveless marriage ?

Whatever you decide Jack86, you know in your own mind you can't carry on as you are at this moment in time, it's not normal behaviour. Take as long as you need to sort your problems out, but this seems to me a one way relationship. If that's what you want, then fine, stick with it. If she can't give you what you need - and it's NOT another child right now - please don't use another baby to try to repair what's wrong.

Good luck with whatever you decide. I think YOU know in your own mind things can't go on, which is why you posted. I was in a relationship/married 20 years, I had 3 step children as was often thrown at me (blood is thicker than water) during ANY argument she always sided with them. I'm now divorced. My biggest regret? That I didn't divorce sooner. My present circumstances? I am alone, I could go back to my ex tomorrow, but the problems we had then would still be there, so I choose to remain alone. I really hope YOU can sort this out but, in your heart of hearts, I think you already know the answer. I have tried to see this from a neutral's perspective; in all truth, I can't see ONE thing YOU are getting from this sham of a marriage. HARSH, I know, but that's what it is..

Spot on Harry. Good post!

[fred]

Jack86..

If I were you I would copy and paste Harry`s post onto something like Notepad or Microsoft word and then ask her to read it.
I cant think of a better way to break the ice and get to the truth.
Its a tough one,I know as doing such a thing could absolutely ruin everything..
On the other hand though it could improve things immeasurably...Depending on how she reacts.
I think its worth the risk to find out the truth.
Serve her a glass of her favourite drink before she reads it and put half a shot of vodka in it to help release her inhibitions.
These things are better aired than hidden.

[Ako Si Jamie]

Good posts from Harry and Rosie.

[jack86]

Jack, I’m so sorry to learn of your unhappiness. I find your wife’s explanation of her pregnancy to be rather odd. As a woman, if I had recently been raped, there would be absolutely no way that I could become intimate just a week later with another man who I’d never even met in person before. I guess we are all different.

Something obviously steered you into having a paternity test and lack of trust may have understandably played a big part in this.

Sadly, it’s not previously unheard of that some women have found a Westerner to provide a source of income that is sent back to a partner. So, I think that Graham’s question about another partner is a rightly raised, particularly since this could also affect the giving of love and affection.

This is clearly more than an issue about sleeping arrangements. Being starved of love and affection, feeling used and being lied to doesn’t make a healthy recipe for a good long lasting relationship. No doubt it will also affect your self-esteem and how you feel about yourself, as well as the relationship with your wife

I just hope that your wife isn’t continuing to be untruthful/ lie to you and is trustworthy. If you have already explored the above with your wife and you have accepted her explanation, then it’s time to stop beating yourself up about it and to put the issue to bed….. excuse the pun! If not, I would suggest that you sit down with her and discuss further

Hiya Rosie,

Thank you so much for your kind words and advice I would just like to add the following.

When we slept together that time I had only been in the Phils for 24 hours when it happened it was actually the second night and we used no protection, that is the only time we slept together ie: full sex in all of the 14 days I was there. I tried again with her on numerous occasions but she kept pushing me away even though we did have other types of intamacy but not full sex as she kept saying she was sexually inactive and was sore afterwards hence no more intercourse.

She told me in a letter when I was back in the UK that the real reason was that in her heart she wanted to but her mind kept telling her that maybe I just wanted her for sex and I could be using her for that and was frightened even though I asked her to marry her and bought her a ring that time and told her I would return in 8 weeks for the marriage which I did and duly kept my promise.

I returned for the wedding and made love again the very first night then she went all cold blaming it on her hormones, it was 12 days later we married having only made love once then even after the marriage she kept pushing me away and on our wedding night she wasn't interested.

I finally snapped and threatened to walk out of her parents home and after a big bust up I told her how important it was for me to consumate our marriage as I am a practising christian and believe in what the bible teaches us.

Like I have posted before she does lack showings of affection but is a beautiful and wonderful woman and is a mother in a million and times we do spend together are good even if its only pre arranged when our daughter is been cared for by somebody else we still manage to get a couple of days a week of time together.

Maybe its me being paranoid I don't know but what I miss is going to bed lonely and not been able to talk about our day ect basically not for sex but sometimes just to cuddle and hold each other that's what I mean, god I love this woman like crazy she is so beautiful, classy, intelligent and sexy to boot god how I look up and ask god why did she choose somebody like me but she did and even though she is 24 and I am 44 she assures me that age doesn't matter.

I have suffered low self esteem with weight gain and just wondering what the hell and it shows that I don't feel happy like I used to even though now I am on a healthy eating and excercise plan to get back some self control.

I know I have hard times ahead and decisions I will have to make but I worry what if she is genuine like she tells me she is, why stay with me for 5 years if she has a partner back home, why make love to a man is she doesn't love me, why as a devout catholic who attends church weekly before god and swears on the bible also her mother's and son's life that what she has told me is the truth and that she loves me unconditionally, why do I still have doubt.

Why would a woman do this to a good man and tantamount her self as basically a prostitute if she sleeps with me for financial gain.

Jesus my head is done in, I just wish sometimes I could turn the clock back and ask myself is this worth it god I just hope and pray that I am wrong about all of this because the truth to come out would undoubtely tear my family apart.

Thank you,

Jack...

[jack86]

Jack86, it's tough reading your problem, and being divorced, I guess I'm not the best to be giving advice.

However, firstly you have nothing to be feeling guilty about you yourself have done nothing wrong.

However here goes: I find it very unusual that your Gf knowing you were going to be visiting her in 7 days allowed herself to be in a position where she got drunk, and found another guy in her bed when she woke up. I suppose really that's the ONLY plausible explanation she could give you, she was never going to tell you it was her last fling before you came out.

Yes, having a young child does need adjustments and is difficult, but to remain in separate rooms after 2 years, I'm afraid that's difficult to accept. It seems your wife is showing symptoms of not wanting your love, (these are the symptoms she should have shown 1 week after the alleged NONE consent) and you appear to have more like a Brother and Sister relationship right now, and to be in separate rooms after 2 years is not normal whatever country you are in.

Every one of us wants to Love and be Loved - that's a normal, natural behaviour.

You, at the moment, and over the recent past, are not getting this from your wife. How does she expect you to feel? If you are not getting something at home, then it's a normal reaction to look elsewhere. You at the moment have not done this, but believe me, sooner or later you will. All that your wife has said to you is she will give you your own child (WOW, how generous of her to consider a natural thing) this year. DON'T do it Jack86, your marriage is NOT stable enough.

You need to sit down with her and decide where YOU are heading. Look her in the eye and ask her outright if she loves YOU. If she says yes, then YOU need to tell her she HAS to start showing it, because right now YOU are NOT feeling her Love for YOU. Give her time - let's say 6 months or so - and see if things change. Don't plan a child during this time. After this, chat and if things don't change then you know there is only one choice for YOU. And, if you don't want to stay in a loveless marriage, you HAVE to make that decision.

If your wife says she doesn't Love YOU, then you can go ahead with your decision more or less straight away. However, in MY opinion your wife is NOT going to say this, she is going to want to hold on to what she has, a roof over her head, a comfortable Lifestyle which includes more than average number of holidays, a husband who foots all the bills, a husband who contributes to the upbringing of another's child. It's a lifestyle she could only Dream of back home in the Phils, and really your wife doesn't contribute much - if anything - to this marriage either financially or emotionally.

She says she loves you, and would never hurt you intentionally. Doesn't she realise that's exactly what she is doing right now? And YOU would regret it if you walked away. Yes, maybe you would have regrets, but will YOU not have bigger regrets if you stay in an apparently loveless marriage ?

Whatever you decide Jack86, you know in your own mind you can't carry on as you are at this moment in time, it's not normal behaviour. Take as long as you need to sort your problems out, but this seems to me a one way relationship. If that's what you want, then fine, stick with it. If she can't give you what you need - and it's NOT another child right now - please don't use another baby to try to repair what's wrong.

Good luck with whatever you decide. I think YOU know in your own mind things can't go on, which is why you posted. I was in a relationship/married 20 years, I had 3 step children as was often thrown at me (blood is thicker than water) during ANY argument she always sided with them. I'm now divorced. My biggest regret? That I didn't divorce sooner. My present circumstances? I am alone, I could go back to my ex tomorrow, but the problems we had then would still be there, so I choose to remain alone. I really hope YOU can sort this out but, in your heart of hearts, I think you already know the answer. I have tried to see this from a neutral's perspective; in all truth, I cant see ONE thing YOU are getting from this sham of a marriage. HARSH, I know, but that's what it is..

Harry thank you so much for your straight forward advice, I will surely take all this in to account.

Jack...

[raynaputi]

Hiya Rosie,

...

I know I have hard times ahead and decisions I will have to make but I worry what if she is genuine like she tells me she is, why stay with me for 5 years if she has a partner back home, why make love to a man is she doesn't love me, why as a devout catholic who attends church weekly before god and swears on the bible also her mother's and son's life that what she has told me is the truth and that she loves me unconditionally, why do I still have doubt.

Why would a woman do this to a good man and tantamount her self as basically a prostitute if she sleeps with me for financial gain.

...

Thank you,

Jack...

You have doubts. Maybe it's because you don't think everything she tells you is real and genuine? Actions speak louder than words as they say. Does she know everything that you feel and posted here? Does she understand whatever you are feeling?

[Harry T]

Jack, I feel for you, I really do, and I can sense you are in bits over this, and really Love your Wife. Basically, I will briefly reiterate what I said before. If you are happy with what you have, then stay as you are. If she CANNOT give you what you need and crave for (Her Love) not just a quick jump into bed, when SHE feels she needs to keep you sweet, then you have to walk away, not wait 20 years like I did.

Listen, it's hard. Life is never easy, its about making decisions day after day, week after week, year after year. There are plenty women out there that would give you what you need and want (Love). Indeed they would give their right (or left) arm for what your wife has. Obviously you seem to have talked this over before, but still you are NOT happy. YES, by all means give it one last go, but don't beat yourself up by thinking you haven't tried, dont feel Low self esteem.

I'm envious that you are in a position to be able to start all over again. I myself, would give anything to be able to do that. I left it too late for myself to begin again in the way that I want to. Age and income dictate what I am able to achieve. I would hate for you to be in the position that I find myself in, and that's because I realised 20 years too late that I needed to make a hard decision.

If you want to PM me, feel free to do so. But good luck whatever you decide. Oh, and one last bit of advice: It's you and you alone who has to decide this, and don't worry about what other people may or may not think, YOUR happiness is the most important thing in all of this.

By the way guys, thank you for all the nice comments you made on my previous post on this topic,. I'm only trying to help Jack86 sort his situation out, as I believe right now he is feeling a little desperate over something that is NOT his fault.

[jack86]

You have doubts. Maybe it's because you don't think everything she tells you is real and genuine? Actions speak louder than words as they say. Does she know everything that you feel and posted here? Does she understand whatever you are feeling?

Yes, Rayanputi you are right, I don't seem to believe everything she tells me. Yes, I also feel sorry for her at times that she gave up everything to be with me - most off all her family, who are very good God-worshipping people.

I have nothing but genuine love for her and I have said that to her, that no man could love her like I do and I totally believe that because its true.

Like I have said she is a beautiful person so that's why I feel I am doing wrong for doubting her.

I have given my all to be with this woman and even said to her that if she does not love me we can live as friends but stay married and I will get her through this 5-year immigration journey. At least I will still have my daughter - which is better than nothing, but she insists that she wants this marriage to work and does love me with all her heart.

I even asked her if has been hurt in the past by somebody - going back even to her childhood - but she insists she hasn't and that she is just not a "touchy feely" person but that doesn't mean she doesn't love me.

She has not read this yet but I think she needs to soon..

Jack...

[jack86]

Jack, I feel for you, I really do, and I can sense you are in bits over this, and you really Love your Wife.

Basically, I will briefly reiterate what I said before. If you are happy with what you have, then stay as you are. If she CANNOT give you what you need and crave for (Her Love) not just a quick jump into bed, when SHE feels she needs to keep you sweet, then you have to walk away, not wait 20 years like I did.

Listen, it's hard. Life is never easy, it's about making decisions day after day, week after week, year after year. There are plenty women out there that would give you what you need and want (Love). Indeed they would give their right (or left) arm for what your wife has. Obviously you seem to have talked this over before, but still you are NOT happy. YES, by all means give it one last go, and dont beat yourself up by thinking you haven't tried, dont feel Low self esteem.

I'm envious that you are in a position to be able to start all over again. I myself, would give anything to be able to do that. I left it too late for myself to begin again in the way that I want to. Age and income dictate what I am able to achieve. I would hate for you to be in the position that I find myself in, and that's because I realised 20 years too late that I needed to make a hard decision.

If you want to PM me, feel free to do so. But good luck whatever you decide, Oh, and one last bit of advice: It's you and you alone who has to decide this, and don't worry about what other people may or may not think, YOUR happiness is the most important thing in all of this.

By the way guys, thank you for all the nice comments you made on my previous post on this topic. I'm only trying to help Jack86 sort his situation out, as I believe right now he is feeling a little desperate over something that is NOT his fault.

Thanks Harry your kind words mean alot.

I know she is lucky to have me and she knows that also, like I replied to Ryanputi maybe she's not that touchy feely type of person as she tells me she's not.

She reminds me of my mother.. also she was the same with my father and they were married 51 years, maybe I have to man up instead of being a wimp and really get this out in the open but I know what's she's like as she once said if you want a divorce I will sign the papers (that's what was said after I had the paternity test done) that was because she knew how angry I was and was willing to do this for me if I insisted.

Anyway I will have a long hard think on what the best step forward is but like you said my happiness has to come first, that is something I am starting to realise.

Thanks once again,

Jack...