Help regarding sleeping arrangements

[Rosie1958]

Jack, I’m so sorry to learn of your unhappiness. I find your wife’s explanation of her pregnancy to be rather odd. As a woman, if I had recently been raped, there would be absolutely no way that I could become intimate just a week later with another man who I’d never even met in person before. I guess we are all different.

Something obviously steered you into having a paternity test and lack of trust may have understandably played a big part in this.

Sadly, it’s not previously unheard of that some women have found a Westerner to provide a source of income that is sent back to a partner. So, I think that Graham’s question about another partner is a rightly raised, particularly since this could also affect the giving of love and affection.

This is clearly more than an issue about sleeping arrangements. Being starved of love and affection, feeling used and being lied to doesn’t make a healthy recipe for a good long lasting relationship. No doubt it will also affect your self-esteem and how you feel about yourself, as well as the relationship with your wife

I just hope that your wife isn’t continuing to be untruthful/ lie to you and is trustworthy. If you have already explored the above with your wife and you have accepted her explanation, then it’s time to stop beating yourself up about it and to put the issue to bed….. excuse the pun! If not, I would suggest that you sit down with her and discuss further

[Terpe]

Jack, I’m so sorry to learn of your unhappiness. I find your wife’s explanation of her pregnancy to be rather odd. As a woman, if I had recently been raped, there would be absolutely no way that I could become intimate just a week later with another man who I’d never even met in person before. I guess we are all different.

Something obviously steered you into having a paternity test and lack of trust may have understandably played a big part in this.

Sadly, it’s not previously unheard of that some women have found a Westerner to provide a source of income that is sent back to a partner. So, I think that Graham’s question about another partner is a rightly raised, particularly since this could also affect the giving of love and affection.

This is clearly more than an issue about sleeping arrangements. Being starved of love and affection, feeling used and being lied to doesn’t make a healthy recipe for a good long lasting relationship. No doubt it will also affect your self-esteem and how you feel about yourself, as well as the relationship with your wife

I just hope that your wife isn’t continuing to be untruthful/ lie to you and is trustworthy. If you have already explored the above with your wife and you have accepted her explanation, then it’s time to stop beating yourself up about it and to put the issue to bed….. excuse the pun! If not, I would suggest that you sit down with her and discuss further

Rosie,
Good post. Mirrors my own thoughts 100%

Jack,
I too am fearful this is not solely about sleeping arrangements.
You must sit down together with your wife and discuss all possible reasons for her behaviours and really get the the bottom of what she is doing and why.

Personally I do not think you should bring a child into a world with such dysfunctional family life.

[jack86]

Jack, I’m so sorry to learn of your unhappiness. I find your wife’s explanation of her pregnancy to be rather odd. As a woman, if I had recently been raped, there would be absolutely no way that I could become intimate just a week later with another man who I’d never even met in person before. I guess we are all different.

Something obviously steered you into having a paternity test and lack of trust may have understandably played a big part in this.

Sadly, it’s not previously unheard of that some women have found a Westerner to provide a source of income that is sent back to a partner. So, I think that Graham’s question about another partner is a rightly raised, particularly since this could also affect the giving of love and affection.

This is clearly more than an issue about sleeping arrangements. Being starved of love and affection, feeling used and being lied to doesn’t make a healthy recipe for a good long lasting relationship. No doubt it will also affect your self-esteem and how you feel about yourself, as well as the relationship with your wife

I just hope that your wife isn’t continuing to be untruthful/ lie to you and is trustworthy. If you have already explored the above with your wife and you have accepted her explanation, then it’s time to stop beating yourself up about it and to put the issue to bed….. excuse the pun! If not, I would suggest that you sit down with her and discuss further

Hiya Rosie,

Thank you so much for your kind words and advice I would just like to add the following.

When we slept together that time I had only been in the Phils for 24 hours when it happened it was actually the second night and we used no protection, that is the only time we slept together ie: full sex in all of the 14 days I was there. I tried again with her on numerous occasions but she kept pushing me away even though we did have other types of intamacy but not full sex as she kept saying she was sexually inactive and was sore afterwards hence no more intercourse.

She told me in a letter when I was back in the UK that the real reason was that in her heart she wanted to but her mind kept telling her that maybe I just wanted her for sex and I could be using her for that and was frightened even though I asked her to marry her and bought her a ring that time and told her I would return in 8 weeks for the marriage which I did and duly kept my promise.

I returned for the wedding and made love again the very first night then she went all cold blaming it on her hormones, it was 12 days later we married having only made love once then even after the marriage she kept pushing me away and on our wedding night she wasn't interested.

I finally snapped and threatened to walk out of her parents home and after a big bust up I told her how important it was for me to consumate our marriage as I am a practising christian and believe in what the bible teaches us.

Like I have posted before she does lack showings of affection but is a beautiful and wonderful woman and is a mother in a million and times we do spend together are good even if its only pre arranged when our daughter is been cared for by somebody else we still manage to get a couple of days a week of time together.

Maybe its me being paranoid I don't know but what I miss is going to bed lonely and not been able to talk about our day ect basically not for sex but sometimes just to cuddle and hold each other that's what I mean, god I love this woman like crazy she is so beautiful, classy, intelligent and sexy to boot god how I look up and ask god why did she choose somebody like me but she did and even though she is 24 and I am 44 she assures me that age doesn't matter.

I have suffered low self esteem with weight gain and just wondering what the hell and it shows that I don't feel happy like I used to even though now I am on a healthy eating and excercise plan to get back some self control.

I know I have hard times ahead and decisions I will have to make but I worry what if she is genuine like she tells me she is, why stay with me for 5 years if she has a partner back home, why make love to a man is she doesn't love me, why as a devout catholic who attends church weekly before god and swears on the bible also her mother's and son's life that what she has told me is the truth and that she loves me unconditionally, why do I still have doubt.

Why would a woman do this to a good man and tantamount her self as basically a prostitute if she sleeps with me for financial gain.

Jesus my head is done in, I just wish sometimes I could turn the clock back and ask myself is this worth it god I just hope and pray that I am wrong about all of this because the truth to come out would undoubtely tear my family apart.

Thank you,

Jack...

[raynaputi]

Hiya Rosie,

...

I know I have hard times ahead and decisions I will have to make but I worry what if she is genuine like she tells me she is, why stay with me for 5 years if she has a partner back home, why make love to a man is she doesn't love me, why as a devout catholic who attends church weekly before god and swears on the bible also her mother's and son's life that what she has told me is the truth and that she loves me unconditionally, why do I still have doubt.

Why would a woman do this to a good man and tantamount her self as basically a prostitute if she sleeps with me for financial gain.

...

Thank you,

Jack...

You have doubts. Maybe it's because you don't think everything she tells you is real and genuine? Actions speak louder than words as they say. Does she know everything that you feel and posted here? Does she understand whatever you are feeling?

[jack86]

You have doubts. Maybe it's because you don't think everything she tells you is real and genuine? Actions speak louder than words as they say. Does she know everything that you feel and posted here? Does she understand whatever you are feeling?

Yes, Rayanputi you are right, I don't seem to believe everything she tells me. Yes, I also feel sorry for her at times that she gave up everything to be with me - most off all her family, who are very good God-worshipping people.

I have nothing but genuine love for her and I have said that to her, that no man could love her like I do and I totally believe that because its true.

Like I have said she is a beautiful person so that's why I feel I am doing wrong for doubting her.

I have given my all to be with this woman and even said to her that if she does not love me we can live as friends but stay married and I will get her through this 5-year immigration journey. At least I will still have my daughter - which is better than nothing, but she insists that she wants this marriage to work and does love me with all her heart.

I even asked her if has been hurt in the past by somebody - going back even to her childhood - but she insists she hasn't and that she is just not a "touchy feely" person but that doesn't mean she doesn't love me.

She has not read this yet but I think she needs to soon..

Jack...