Oops..Late again!
I text my wife to say I'd be home late as I was meeting the lads for a few beers after work.
Within seconds she was calling me back, "Dave! You know it's Parents Evening!"
"I thought you could go instead." I replied. "You did last year."
"And look at the trouble it caused," she insisted. "The Head said he'd sack you if you ever tried that again!"
The most common surname In China is Chang, correct me if you think that's Wong.
Piracy is killing the music industry.
You try playing the guitar with a hook.
"Well, nan," I said. "This is where you will be staying eventually. Do you like it?"
"Will you **** off and let me visit your granddad's grave in peace," she shouted.
I put salt and sugar in my obese wife`s bathwater the other day.
That cured her.
I watched a film where a man poured meat juices all over a non-fiction book.
It's baste on a true story.
People call me Mr Compromise.
Wasn't my first choice for a nickname, but I can live with it.
I've just come back from the doctors. She said you've got to stop playing with yourself. I said why?
She said because I'm trying to examine you.
A man has taken his cat and dog to his local pub for an audition for the Saturday night spot entertaining the regulars.
The pub owner is mightily impressed as the cat plays the piano and the dog sings perfectly in tune.
"It's really good but I know it has to be a trick as there is no way a dog can sing like that" says the pub owner.
"Yes I have to admit it's true" replies the man.
"The cat's a ventriloquist."
Good bunch of ticklers there
We went into the local indian restuarant and when eating our meal the waiter came over and said curry ok? To which i said go on then mate one song then sling your hook.
how to rest your chicken before serving.
My Grandad has got Parkinson's...
He can't stop interviewing people.
Asian pile driver.
The Norse god Thor decided to become a mortal for a while and went down to earth. He met a beautiful girl and they spent the evening together.
In the morning Thor decided to reveal his identity to the woman. "I'm Thor" he said.
"You're thor!" she said, "Lithen buthter, I'm tho thor I can hardly thit down!"
My Uncle had his tongue shot off during World War II.
He doesn't talk about it, though.
> > EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 60 > >
1. Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.
2. With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.
3. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.
4. Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)
5. After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.
I think women who think size doesn't matter are shallow.
"To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet ... you can hide but you can't run.''
You really make me smile Fred, love it!
That's why we keep this thread alive every year Michael!Originally Posted by Michael Parnham
You really make me smile Fred, love it!
I thought I'd spent all night disco dancing with this girl in a club.
But apparently it was because she was deaf and telling me to 'f*ck off' all night.
A kid goes up to his dad and says, "what does a vagina look like?"
His father says, "Son, before sex a vagina looks like a rose, with pink velvety petals, and the aroma of perfume."
The kid says, "what about after sex?"
His father says, "have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?"
I phoned my boss's mobile. "I'm on the train heading to the south coast now."
"What..?" he answered, sounding a bit annoyed. "It's five o'clock in the f*cking morning! What are you doing on a train?"
"You tell me," I replied. "You're the one who told me to be in Brighton early this morning."
Thank you for painting that picture
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