I've started to wear a balaclava when I go to bed.
That way, if there's ever a break in, the burglars will think I'm part of the team.
I've started to wear a balaclava when I go to bed.
That way, if there's ever a break in, the burglars will think I'm part of the team.
Sometimes I wake up with a boner and I wish there was someone with me to satisfy it...
The rest of the time I just stick it in my wife.
A Vicar goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth. The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes.
The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes.
The following Sunday he natters on for 2 hours and 48 minutes.
The congregation had to drag him down from the pulpit and they asked him what happened.
He explained that the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes.
But, the third Sunday, he put his wife's teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up
"Breaking News"
The inventor of the Anagram has died...may he "erect a penis"....
Erik Weihenmayer, the first blind man to reach the summit of Mount Everest has said the hardest part of his climb was the last two hundred metres.
"Dragging a frozen labrador's a f*cking nightmare."
I woke up this morning covered in raffle tickets,
I think I've contracted tombola....
My wife has eczema all over her chest.
She's got a cracking pair of tits.
The journalist asked the politician,
“Your assistant said publicly that you have a small penis. Would you like to comment?
“Yes, I would,” said the politician.
“The truth is my assistant has a big mouth.”
How do you get a nun pregnant?
Dress her up as an altar boy
my mate was in an accident involving a lorry carrying omega 3 supplements, at first we thought his injuries were superfishoil
Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Liquid Tippex. I woke up this morning with a huge correction.
Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen, 'What do you feel like for dinner my love ......chicken, beef or lamb?' I said, 'Chicken, please.' She replied, 'You're having soup you fat *******, I was talking to the cat!’
As the train pulled into Bradford station, I heard 2 people talking about how the city had lost its identity to immigration.
I wanted to go and educate them about the positive influences that cultural diversity could have in a community, and the many ways in which us Pakistanis were integrating into British society.
But I was too busy trying to get a good seat on the roof.
My mate was in an accident and lost his legs and his voice,but he didnt make a big song and dance about it.
I tried to break up with my girlfriend as she is too controlling.
She said no..
Originally Posted by fred
I've laughed so much it hurts
Big thanks Fred
-=rayna.keith=-
...When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible...
A man stumbled at the top of a cliff and fell over it. He managed to scramble his way to a rock ledge, but lost his trousers and underpants in the process. A police spokesman said "although he is not in imminent danger, his situation is fairly prick hairy-ass.
I was going to book myself on a self-amputation course but it would have cost me an arm and a leg!
The inventor of the urinal deodoriser has died.
Long my he rest in piss
The worst memory of childhood was the time my parents hired a magician for my birthday party.
He sat me on his knee and made three of his fingers disappear.
I got in touch with my inner self today.
That's the last time I buy Tesco Value toilet roll.
My dwarf girlfriend went to work this morning upset with me, because I've been taking the p*ss out of her size. So I'm going all out to make it up to her tonight.
I've got a good bottle of wine in and bought her the latest DVD box set of her favourite programme. When she gets in from work I'm going to order her favourite takeaway for her tea, then go upstairs and run her a nice hot sink.
We were at my wife's funeral when my daughter started crying.
"Aw, come on, honey," I said, putting my arm around her. "Don't ruin this for me."
Paddy & Mick stagger out of the zoo with blood pouring from them..
".......s to that" said Paddy "That's the last time I go lion dancing"
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