The journalist asked the politician,
“Your assistant said publicly that you have a small penis. Would you like to comment?
“Yes, I would,” said the politician.
“The truth is my assistant has a big mouth.”
A couple of good ones there Fred
A guy goes to a lady dentist to have a tooth extracted.
She pulled out a large syringe to give a local anaesthetic shot.
"OOh, sorry - no way, no needles! I hate needles!" the guy said.
So she started to hook up the nitrous oxide tank, and he said, "I can't do the gas thing either. Just the thought of having a mask on face suffocates me!
The dentist then asked the patient if he had any objections to taking a pill.
"No," he says, "I'm fine with pills."
The dentist gave him two little blue pills and he swallowed them.
"What are those?" he asked.
"Viagra," she replied.
"I'll be damned," said the patient, "I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer."
"It doesn't," said the dentist, "But it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth out.
A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.
When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their underpants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct the flow away from their clothes.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in year four.'
'No, love,' he replied. "I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15"
I got a Womble pepper grinder for Christmas.
It's rubbish.
Everything is either underground or overground.
I asked a Chinese girl for her number.
She replied, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!"
I said, "Wow!"
Then her friend said, "She means 6663629"
Husband to wife "Hey, let's try the missionary position."
Wife "Ok, what do we do?"
Husband "I stop here and you .... off to Africa."
Fat bird in the pub declares:
"Anyone that can guess my weight can .... me all night anyway they want"
Drunk in the corner:
"About 93 stone"
Fat bird:
"That's close enough you lucky ......."
Did you know there is a new website for muslim terrorists to get in touch with their old pals?
It's at www.friends-reignited.com
Thanks Fred, you certainly make me smile, rep on its way!
I very nearly spat out my San Mig laughing so muchOriginally Posted by fred
Thanks for rep Michael..
Me too Terpe!! lol.
I arrived back at my car just as the traffic warden stuck the ticket on the windscreen 'You disgust me, you really are the lowest of the low' I said.
'I'm just doing my job' she protested.
'Just make sure my tea's on the table when I get home you fat cow' I replied.
Porn Hub has pledged to plant a new tree for every hundred videos watched.
The amount of tissue paper I get through, I'm still not sure that's environmentally sustainable.
To the wise guy that hid my trainers as I played on the bouncy castle yesterday afternoon.
You need to grow up mate.
My Chinese pal told me he had opened a Crows Shop
I said “You mean Clothes Shop!”
He said “No Crows……come in and have a Rook!”
My wife's locked herself in the kitchen in a rage, after a massive argument over how miserable and tight I've become since we've been married.
She's in there now, ripping all the plates in half.
Nice ones yet again Fred!
Thanks for rep Micheal!
Just answered a knock on the door.
There was a little bloke there, he was only 3 foot three inches tall.
It was the meter man.
Wife is missing
Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.
Sergeant: What is her height?
Husband: I’m not really sure. A bit over five feet maybe.
Sergeant: Weight?
Husband: I don’t know. Not especially slim, not particularly fat.
Sergeant: Colour of eyes?
Husband: I’ve never noticed.
Sergeant: Hair colour?
Husband: She keeps changing it. Not sure what it is at the moment.
Sergeant: What was she wearing?
Husband: May have been a dress or a skirt or maybe she was wearing trousers. I didn’t really notice.
Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?
Husband: She went in my truck.
Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?
Husband: Brand new 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4x4 with eco-boost 5-litre V8 engine, specially ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, custom leather seats and ‘Bubba’ floor mats, trailer package with gold hitch, DVD with navigation, 21-channel CB radio, six cup holders, four power outlets and special alloy wheels with off-road Michelins. Wife put a small scratch on the driver’s door.
At this point the husband started choking up.
Sergeant: Don’t worry, buddy. We’ll find your truck.
I hate my surname, Potato.
Although not as much as my sister Jackie does.
A dog goes into the telegraph office to send a telegram to his cousin.
He gives the clerk his message to send, which reads "woof woof woof, woof woof woof, woof woof woof."
The clerk says, "you know, you've only got 9 words there, you could put another woof in for the same price"
The dog says "But that wouldn't make sense at all…"
Brilliant Fred, keep 'em coming!
2 good one's there
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