Falling out of Love

[jack86]

I have finally realised that I don't love my wife any more.

I know many have read my posts and I still care about her, but it's not love. However, I am worried that if I file for divorce, she will have to leave the country, as she is under the 5 year route and has already spent 27 months in the UK and will be eligible for her next extension soon.

My stepdaughter has only known life here in the UK and is a British Citizen. How will this affect my wife's status? Will she be allowed to stay, or be told to go home?

I love my little girl and don't want to lose her, but I cannot see a future with my wife. This is so hard, but I am at my wits' end on what to do.

Thankyou ...

[Harry T]

Welcome back Jack. I remember your posts from a few weeks ago.

You have obviously finally realised what most of us advised at that time was correct (still separate beds) and taken a decision.

I am not so familiar with immigration rules and regs, but I guess your blood stepdaughter, but daughter in name is a British citizen due to her being the daughter of a British citizen.

I think you have realised your wife married you for a Visa, and this is what the 5 year route is meant to try and prevent. We can't advise you what to do, you have already said what the situation is, the choice is yours to divorce or not.

If you divorce, then you are a free man with all that brings - namely, free to remarry and begin a new life with a new partner and a chance to have a new family where Love can be the bond between you all. You could always apply for parental rights (have your daughter live with you) during the divorce. If you don't divorce, then your life will continue as it is, in a loveless marriage - but with a daughter in your name, whom you Love.

By the way Jack, in all of this, you need to consider that, after the 5 years and your wife is granted permanent status (I don't know the correct wording) to stay in the UK, there is always the possibility that she may divorce you and could be entitled to at least half of what is yours. And entitled to be kept in a way that she is used to. Then you would be in the very difficult situation of not only losing your Daughter but financially at a disadvantage too, so that from then on, it would more difficult for you to financially provide for any future partner and family that you may wish to have.

I think you need to think long and hard about this, take note of what other members will undoubtedly advise, but, at the end of the day, its YOU and YOU alone who has to decide what's best. And remember, even if at the moment its your decision, in a few years' time you may well lose what you don't want to lose anyway.

Good luck with whatever you decide. All I can say, is that I was divorced some 5 years ago. And my biggest regret was that I left it too late! I should have done it years before. It's always easier to put the hard decisions off.

[Michael Parnham]

Welcome back Jack. I remember your posts from a few weeks ago.

You have obviously finally realised what most of us advised at that time was correct (still separate beds) and taken a decision.

I am not so familiar with immigration rules and regs, but I guess your blood stepdaughter, but daughter in name is a British citizen due to her being the daughter of a British citizen.

I think you have realised your wife married you for a Visa, and this is what the 5 year route is meant to try and prevent. We can't advise you what to do, you have already said what the situation is, the choice is yours to divorce or not.

If you divorce, then you are a free man with all that brings - namely, free to remarry and begin a new life with a new partner and a chance to have a new family where Love can be the bond between you all. You could always apply for parental rights (have your daughter live with you) during the divorce. If you don't divorce, then your life will continue as it is, in a loveless marriage - but with a daughter in your name, whom you Love.

By the way Jack, in all of this, you need to consider that, after the 5 years and your wife is granted permanent status (I don't know the correct wording) to stay in the UK, there is always the possibility that she may divorce you and could be entitled to at least half of what is yours. And entitled to be kept in a way that she is used to. Then you would be in the very difficult situation of not only losing your Daughter but financially at a disadvantage too, so that from then on, it would more difficult for you to financially provide for any future partner and family that you may wish to have.

I think you need to think long and hard about this, take note of what other members will undoubtedly advise, but, at the end of the day, its YOU and YOU alone who has to decide what's best. And remember, even if at the moment its your decision, in a few years' time you may well lose what you don't want to lose anyway.

Good luck with whatever you decide. All I can say, is that I was divorced some 5 years ago. And my biggest regret was that I left it too late! I should have done it years before. It's always easier to put the hard decisions off.

Hello Jack, sorry to hear of your dilemma and I think Harry has given it to you in a nutshell. Good luck with whatever decision you make!

[mickcant]

Hi Jack86, Harry has given you some sound advice, but as he said it has to be your decision about divorce!

I married a Filipina in 2008, that I thought the world of and thought we had a future together, but it seemed she did not have loving feelings for me as I did her, but did want to be in the UK.

We had lots of problems. After we married, she had a child by her Filipino boyfriend (that of course I then knew nothing about) before she came to the UK, but I think/thought, she would then leave me but that she could remain working in the UK, to send money to her boyfriend back home.

I divorced her - even though I did not want to - there was nothing else I could do.

I am now 70 and alone, but at least have peace of mind in that she cannot play with my love for her to continue getting money from me.

Go by your gut instinct.
Mick.

[Ako Si Jamie]

Hello again, Jack.

Not a good situation to be in. I think the only way to be with your stepdaughter is to remain as you are but that would entail being in a loveless relationship with a woman you can't trust.

You remind me so much of myself when I was younger, Jack. I changed due to women like the one you have and I can understand how, despite what she's done, the way you still care for her. My Filipina ex and her troops took me for Santa Claus but deep down I still care for her.

I do think you did the right thing choosing a Filipina because your personality with the right pinay will fit like a glove. The only trouble is you picked the wrong apple from the tree but don't beat yourself up about it, because my C.V doesn't look good either.

The only other advice I can give is because of the situation you are in is to put yourself first. There's nothing wrong with being a bit selfish under these kind of circumstances.

[stevewool]

Sorry to say, you must think of yourself first. Only you know the reasons why this has happened.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

[jack86]

I cannot thank everyone enough here for your kind suppport and advice at this very low time in my life, and I am so glad I have found this forum.

I still worry about losing my little girl if I divorce, but cannot stay in a marriage in which she sees me unhappy and no connection with her mother, my wife.

Could I ask advice from Joe here - who, I believe, knows about immigration matters - regarding my concerns as to what would happen if divorce was forthcoming.

Thank you everyone once again. God bless!

[London_Manila]

I think you need to focus on financial matters at the moment

Have you worked out what a divorce is going to cost you? legal fees, paying off the wife, housing, and of course the good old CSA will get involved........

[Harry T]

I think you need to focus on financial matters at the moment

Have you worked out what a divorce is going to cost you? legal fees, paying off the wife, housing, and of course the good old CSA will get involved........

Why would the CSA get involved if his wife has to return to the Philippines ?.

[London_Manila]

Why would the CSA get involved if his wife has to return to the Philippines ?.

Well seeing that he is not the real father of the child he will have no problems from the CSA

[stevewool]

The dreaded CSA, been there done that.

[grahamw48]

Just for clarification...is the daughter a Filipino national STEPDAUGHTER to you ?

Do you and your wife have any children fathered by yourself ?

[raynaputi]

Just for clarification...is the daughter a Filipino national STEPDAUGHTER to you ?

Do you and your wife have any children fathered by yourself ?

From his past posts, he said that the daughter was born here in the UK and a British citizen. Jack86 only found out she's not his daughter when he did a paternal test and that's when his problem got worse.

[Arthur Little]

From his past posts, he said that the daughter was born here in the UK and a British citizen. Jack86 only found out she's not his daughter when he did a paternal test and that's when his problem got worse.

Ah ... yes. Now you mention it, that would certainly explain why he'd formed a special attachment to the child.

[grahamw48]

Thanks Rayna.

[Arthur Little]

Just for clarification...is the daughter a Filipino national STEPDAUGHTER to you ?

Do you and your wife have any children fathered by yourself ?

Hmm ... particular aspect puzzled me too ...

My stepdaughter has only known life here in the UK and is a British Citizen.

[grahamw48]

I think it would be better for all if Jack was to 'unattach' himself from the child...hard as that may be initially.

[Tawi2]

I think it would be better for all if Jack was to 'unattach' himself from the child...hard as that may be initially.

That's going to be a wrench. You know this better than any of us mate. It would have been easier from the outset if the mother hadn't been so backward coming forward with the truth. Damage limitation from hereon in.

[Michael Parnham]

I think it would be better for all if Jack was to 'unattach' himself from the child...hard as that may be initially.

I agree Graham!

[jack86]

I think it would be better for all if Jack was to 'unattach' himself from the child...hard as that may be initially.

Not as easy as you think Graham. After believing she was mine for 18 months - then finding out the truth - sent me into a deep depression, and after visiting the doctor, I was told to try tablets for the way I felt. But I soldiered on with deep, dark moods and using alcohol to dampen out the hurt, which I realised made it worse.

You see, even after all this, she is my little girl who calls me dada constantly and comes to me for cuddles and reassurance and for her to feel safe. How could I take that away from her? I am not like that, as she is an innocent child.

My wife whom I hated for what she had done and everything I have gone through, well that's the past and I have to move on even though the love has gone. I will always love this little girl though, and even if she's 7,000 miles away, in my eyes I will always be the only father she has known.

Thanks everyone...

[stevewool]

I'm afraid Jack is going to be the one who will be hurt. If he does divorce his partner she may go back to the Phils, but then again, she may stay here.

Whichever, it's a long, long road before this will be sorted.

[Ako Si Jamie]

Is she only entitled to what Jack has after the five years? If this is the case, Jack holds the ace card.

Anyone thinking what I'm thinking?

[grahamw48]

Jack. Where did I state that I thought it would be easy ?

Life is short my friend. You can either allow yourself to wallow in self-pity, or man-up and do something positive and constructive.

The child has a real father. Why be selfish and cling on ? Why create emotional problems for the child later in her life ?

[stevewool]

The child has a real father. Why be selfish and cling on ? Why create emotional problems for the child later in her life ?

Nearly ever person can father a child, but it takes someone special to be that father, that's the problem. And yes, it takes two to have that child, but again sometimes both sets are crap at bringing up the child. Just my thoughts.

[Harry T]

Jack. Where did I state that I thought it would be easy ?

Life is short my friend. You can either allow yourself to wallow in self-pity, or man-up and do something positive and constructive.

The child has a real father. Why be selfish and cling on ? Why create emotional problems for the child later in her life ?

Harsh but true, Jack has to face the true facts, and get on with HIS life.

[stevewool]

Jack, I feel for you even like as you say the child is not yours, but you are the child's father in her eyes. Why don't you start a savings account for her future? Keep in touch with her if you can, but try not to be used by her mother for her own needs. It's hard, but putting away something and keeping a diary too, so that one day your daughter will know the truth and how you have been thinking of her all her life.

[Ako Si Jamie]

Presumably, she wants permanent residency in the U.K. You could always use that as a tool to get what you want such as rights to the child. Just make sure you safeguard yourself against any 'future events' after the five years.

[jack86]

Sorry for getting back so late, been so busy at work but appreciate all the advice from everyone here.

I know now that all I want is to have my own biological child. I realise no matter how I look at my little girl, I will always see the other side and hating myself for those thoughts.

Whoever is at fault, it's a path in life which I have chosen and can change that at any moment.

I realise that my wife's career is more important than me and my needs, my only thing I wanted in life was my own child.

Apologies to Graham who I see is expecting a baby with Mercedes. God how I wish I was you, and yes, you were harsh, but right in your advice to me; also Harry T, Jamie and many more I could mention.

This guy needs to reflect on the past 3 years and find happiness again.

Hers's to you all, sat at my local with a few vodkas, and enjoying the company of let's say, happier times. Cheers ...

[stevewool]

I know now that all I want is to have my own biological child. I realise no matter how I look at my little girl, I will always see the other side and hating myself for those thoughts.

Whoever is at fault, it's a path in life which I have chosen and can change that at any moment.

I realise that my wife's career is more important than me and my needs, my only thing I wanted in life was my own child.

Apologies to Graham who I see is expecting a baby with Mercedes. God how I wish I was you, and yes, you were harsh, but right in your advice to me; also Harry T, Jamie and many more I could mention.

This guy needs to reflect on the past 3 years and find happiness again.

Hers's to you all, sat at my local with a few vodkas, and enjoying the company of let's say, happier times. Cheers ...

I understand all you are going through Jack, and good luck with what ever you decide too,
I have 2 adopted children and yes they know i am not there biological father, but i am there father in there eyes and my eyes too, my daughter was 5 and my son was 1 when they came into my,
Think hard for this little person, she knows nobody else but you as her dad,
Sorry to add this to problems

[Harry T]

I understand all you are going through Jack, and good luck with what ever you decide too,
I have 2 adopted children and yes they know i am not there biological father, but i am there father in there eyes and my eyes too, my daughter was 5 and my son was 1 when they came into my,
Think hard for this little person, she knows nobody else but you as her dad,
Sorry to add this to problems

Im sure Jack is appreciative of the advice you have given steve, indeed as he says all the advice he has been given, However You Steve are in a Happy and stable relationship in which to have adopted children, there is a vast difference between being in a stable relationship when compared to a relationship that has disintegrated.