Couple more

[SimonH]

Dave walks into a pub and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks him why he's looking so down. "Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that i wanted to ask out, but i got an erection every time i saw her?"
"Yes," replies Dave with a laugh.
"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she said yes."
"That's great!" says Dave, "When are you going out?"
"Well i went to meet her this evening," countinues Paul, "but i was worried I'd get an erection again. So i got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if i did, it wouldn't show."
"Sensible," says Dave.
"So i get to her door," says Paul, "and i rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest, sexiest dress you ever saw."
"And what happened?"
Paul slumps back over the bar again. "I kicked her in the face."

[SimonH]

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there's a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He's been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man.

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been so incredible!" You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman, are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies. . . "You just happened to catch my eye."

[SimonH]

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"

"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

No," he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

[SimonH]

A woman was in a coma, and had been in it for months.

Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, “As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little 'oral sex' will do the trick to bring her out of the coma.”

The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.

The nurses ran back into the room.

“What happened!?” they cried.

The husband said, “I'm not sure; maybe she choked.!”


NEVER, NEVER, NEVER ASSUME THAT MEN UNDERSTAND .

[SimonH]

A guy is looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library. He asked a girl:

"Do you mind if I sit beside you?"

The girl replied in a loud voice:
"I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed and moved to another table.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said with a laugh:

"I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?"

The guy then responded in a loud voice:
"£500 FOR ONE NIGHT? . . . THAT'S TOO MUCH!"

All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The guy whispered to her:

"I study law, and I know how to screw people."

[SimonH]

My mate asked me what i will be doing in 5yrs time

I told him i havent got 2020 vision

[SimonH]

There once was a classical actor who did Shakespearean plays, but had aged and could no longer remember his lines!



After many years, he finds himself in the Globe Theatre in London , where they were prepared to give him a chance to shine again. The director says "This is a most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."

The old actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he was practicing his line over and over again. Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and using just one finger and thumb, as directed, he delivered the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."



The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming!

"You bloody fool!" he cried "You have ruined me!"



The actor was bewildered "What happened, did I forget my line?"

"No!" screamed the director. "You forgot the fg rose!"

[SimonH]

My wife asked me for lip balm the other day but i gave her superglue by mistake.

She's still not talking to me.

[SimonH]

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you got any?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no nookie since 1955!"

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."