Trust

[Terpe]

Until a couple of months ago I felt I'd become much more of a philanthropist since living here.

I wondered:-
was it the famed warm, friendly and family oriented Filipino culture that caused this, or
had I always been a nice, trusting and friendly guy who always went the extra mile to help out with respect and a smile, or
was it a simple case of being taken advantage of?

Before identifying any cause for this I did some serious thinking and serious discussion with my wife. Was it a case of Filipino family values rubbing off on me, or was I just being me.

I'll just mention that my wife always knows best and invariably wins in any debate.
(BTW, I've planned it that way!)

So, did I pick up on cultural family norms about the haves sharing with the have nots? or was it a case of trying to get everyone to like me? If the latter was true I can't really think that since I believed they already liked me anyway long before becoming so philanthropic.

So we've recently reversed our strategy. Our close and trusted circle is now very significantly much smaller.
The volume of communications has shrunk accordingly and we've become happier.
I'd always previously considered the support of our family to be a key factor in our Philippine retirement. Now I realise this is simply not a given

Solely from my own experience and thinking I've concluded that such trust issues do appear to me to be cultural.

If there's an opportunity for a quick gain then most folks here in the Philippines, in my view, will look to take advantage.
Many folks in the Philippines live only in the moment without too much thought analysis to the future consequences of their actions.

I've developed a reality-based observation that you need to look very long and very hard to find someone you can really trust in the paradise islands.

No offence to anyone.
Just sharing my thinking

[stevewool]

Peter you are who you are, a Philanthropist i would not know, but a nice guy yes you are,
Reading what you have just put on here and understanding it too, many can think wow, thats me too.
It takes years and years to have what you think you are wanting but really it could take a few weeks too, just to make you happy with life
I am still learning being a new member to the east west thing, but learn I do every day,
Myself being from the west and having to work very hard for what i think i do want, i am not going to give it away to any Tom Dick or Harry anytime soon or later i hope, where Ems would give most away tomorrow,
I feel that we all need that special friend someone who knows where you are from and how you have come to be how you are in life now, that can take years to find that person,
I feel that once we have made our plans to go to the Phils to live it will be me who will be making the plans for me to live the life i think i am wanting , its different cultures colliding some may like that but like you say some will take advantage too, there does not be a lets share it thing ok yes lets give someone food and a place to rest there head but a few months or years later they are still eating your food and laying there head on your pillow still,
I may be rambling on here and maybe dont even know what i am on about, but i am watching and reading what others are saying so i am learning every day too

[grahamw48]

Good post Peter.

Never been too much of a problem for me, as I will freely admit to anybody...including all Filipinos, related or not, that I am by strict tradition and nature a tight-fisted Yorkshireman.
On top of which, I've got no money !

[Michael Parnham]

I agree with most of what you say Peter, but living for the moment is the thing I notice above anything else. I find it an almost impossible task to get Maritess to think long term, and because she refuses to think long term, she falls flat on her face, but it's always my fault!

[Ako Si Jamie]

Many folks in the Philippines live only in the moment without too much thought analysis to the future consequences of their actions.

Totally agree

[les_taxi]

Very good post Peter

[Michael Parnham]

Good post Peter.

Never been too much of a problem for me, as I will freely admit to anybody...including all Filipinos, related or not, that I am by strict tradition and nature a tight-fisted Yorkshireman.
On top of which, I've got no money !

Love the Avatar Graham

[Arthur Little]

Love the Avatar Graham

... can't say I share your enthusiasm, Michael. ... it makes me feel dizzy just watching it.

[Arthur Little]

Maybe I'm mistaken ... but didn't Peter (Terpe) have something similar on his profile page at one point? Hmm, ... must check ...

[Arthur Little]

... yes, he still has - a BIGGER version of the very same beastie - under 'Albums'.

[fred]

Peter.. My way of thinking used to be "to help them help themselves"...
Give a man a fish and he`ll eat for a day..Buy him a net and he`ll eat for life..That type of thing..
Problem was when the net got broken and needed maintenance,they started blaming me for not buying them an imported fishing net.. They said I was Kuriput!
Every time a fish slipped through that damned net, they would curse me!!
So they sold the net cheap and had a big blow out instead.. 10 Gallons of Tuba and a bucket of BBQ chicken..
To be honest...I was relieved!
That may only be an analogy but it was inspired by the truth.. So many examples.
That Brit that got murdered just lately.. I hear he was a Philanthropist..

[London_Manila]

We could live there for 50 years and we will still always be seen as whitey with too much money
I limit my exposure to the locals and I am not keen on making friends there
I feel this is the best way to protect myself and from previous experiences the locals only tried to befriend me for some kind of financial gain
Sad but true

[Michael Parnham]

... can't say I share your enthusiasm, Michael. ... it makes me feel dizzy just watching it.

When I first set eyes on it I thought it was inside my screen, but it did make me smile, I liked it

[Ako Si Jamie]

I feel this is the best way to protect myself and from previous experiences the locals only tried to befriend me for some kind of financial gain

Sad but true

People can be like that over here too. It's just the nature of some human beings. They tag along with those who have money with no intentions of building a genuine friendship.

[Arthur Little]

Trust is - and always has been - of the UTMOST IMPORTANCE to me as an individual.

Fundamentally, in human terms, trust is a "TWO"-way process that requires time to develop through close association between a person and those with whom he/she interacts on a regular basis. But there again, it goes without saying, that it needs to be worked at. Once earned ... there can be NO greater 'gift' than to be blessed with the sure and certain knowledge that, in the eyes and minds of *others, YOU are a person in whom *they can place their implicit trust.

[jake]

Interesting post Peter

Sorry to hear you have to change strategies, when dealing with certain family members and supposed friends. As someone who has close Filipino friends, I hope it doesn’t make you prejudge folks in the future.

[jake]

I limit my exposure to the locals and I am not keen on making friends there

Sounds like you have no intention of integrating with the locals, if you ever live in the Philippines. If a foreigner comes to live in the UK and does the same, you would be one of the first to point this out.

[Terpe]

Interesting post Peter

Sorry to hear you have to change strategies, when dealing with certain family members and supposed friends. As someone who has close Filipino friends, I hope it doesn’t make you prejudge folks in the future.

One of my weaknesses is that I make an effort not to pre-judge or make value judgements.
I'll be aiming to continue along those lines but I know I'll find it hard to be as open and trusting as I was.
Sad really because I'm the only one who got hurt and who lost a part of who I am.

[fred]

Peter.. I know exactly how you feel.
Fortunately, we are almost a 2 hour flight away from those kinds of people these days.
For us it was the only answer.

[Ako Si Jamie]

One of my weaknesses is that I make an effort not to pre-judge or make value judgements.
I'll be aiming to continue along those lines but I know I'll find it hard to be as open and trusting as I was.
Sad really because I'm the only one who got hurt and who lost a part of who I am.

When I was younger I was similar but when I got to my thirties I started to analyze people more, especially women if I was in a relationship with them.

Currently there's not one person on this planet I can trust 100% although I can trust different people with different things.

[London_Manila]

People can be like that over here too. It's just the nature of some human beings. They tag along with those who have money with no intentions of building a genuine friendship.

True but I think in the Philippines it happens 99% of the time

[London_Manila]

Sounds like you have no intention of integrating with the locals, if you ever live in the Philippines. If a foreigner comes to live in the UK and does the same, you would be one of the first to point this out.

Not at all and here in the UK we have many communities who like to hang out with their own kind
Australians in Earls Court and Indians in Southall springs to mind
The ex pat community in Makati will suit me just fine

[Terpe]

My guess is that many here have struggled within their hearts on how to manage their willingness to give, then only to be heartbroken again and again thanks to betrayal and deception.

We're lucky to belong to a forum where good opinion and practical lessons can be learned freely from other members just for the asking which is worth it's weight in gold.

I left the UK to escape "old" but manageable stresses to now face a "new" set of stresses that are beyond my responsibility or control.
As far as I'm concerned, I came here to retire and live my remaining years in peaceful bliss with my wonderful wife at my side and an ice cold beer in my hand.
Now that I have a finite amount of money I have no intentions of impacting my health due to stress. I know just what I need to do in order to survive in this country and to live safe and happy!

Love, kindness, compassion and hope makes the world go round!
And money!

Thanks for all the comments

[Terpe]

Not at all and here in the UK we have many communities who like to hang out with their own kind
Australians in Earls Court and Indians in Southall springs to mind
The ex pat community in Makati will suit me just fine

I do have an understanding why you think the way you do.
Don't entirely agree, but we're all unique individuals with different solutions.

I can't imagine feeling the lack of security you hint at and certainly don't intend to live my life with one eye looking over my shoulder. If I may ask, whereabouts in the Philippines have you stayed?

I make no effort to engage with any ex-pat community here in Davao City.
I have a few 'friends' to chat with now and then, but never socialise.
No offence intended here and maybe it's just my misinterpretation, but the Philippines does seem to attract some strange characters.

One guy who I got fairly close to, well close enough to consider inviting round to my house, recently passed away at 61 years young.
His son came over to the Philippines to organise the neededs.

Turns out his dad had been a chronic alcoholic for 40 years. Divorced 3 times and had squandered away the remains of his personal fortune.
At his funeral were 4 g/f's / partners and a good number of folks all owed significant sums of money.

I have to say he hid his secrets well.
I miss our conversations, I genuinely liked him and will only carry fond memories

[Michael Parnham]

Never experienced stress in my life until I became 68 years old

[Michael Parnham]

When I was younger I was similar but when I got to my thirties I started to analyze people more, especially women if I was in a relationship with them.

Currently there's not one person on this planet I can trust 100% although I can trust different people with different things.

You're different to me Jamie, I trust everyone but I do advise others not to trust anyone, strange really!

[stevewool]

The most important person is your partner, as long as you talk to each other about everything and understand each others needs life should be fine.

Remember I am only 5 years young into this new lifestyle and most who know me knows of my ups and downs too, we have managed to get this far by talking and agreeing to what we are both wanting in our lives,

I have found the best way to be is to say NO, then have a good talk over a few days - even weeks - before you either say NO again.

It works for me, maybe not for others

[London_Manila]

I do have an understanding why you think the way you do.
Don't entirely agree, but we're all unique individuals with different solutions.

I can't imagine feeling the lack of security you hint at and certainly don't intend to live my life with one eye looking over my shoulder. If I may ask, whereabouts in the Philippines have you stayed?

I make no effort to engage with any ex-pat community here in Davao City.
I have a few 'friends' to chat with now and then, but never socialise.
No offence intended here and maybe it's just my misinterpretation, but the Philippines does seem to attract some strange characters.

One guy who I got fairly close to, well close enough to consider inviting round to my house, recently passed away at 61 years young.
His son came over to the Philippines to organise the neededs.

Turns out his dad had been a chronic alcoholic for 40 years. Divorced 3 times and had squandered away the remains of his personal fortune.
At his funeral were 4 g/f's / partners and a good number of folks all owed significant sums of money.

I have to say he hid his secrets well.
I miss our conversations, I genuinely liked him and will only carry fond memories

My places of visit in the Philippines

Manila
Naga City
Bacalod
Catbalogan
Daram
Ormoc
Tacloban
Iloilo
Boracay
Angeles
Cebu
Bohol
Puerto Galera
Palawan

With all the Killings of foreigners in the Philippines and Koreans seem to the present flavour of the month i never let my guard down and those who forget how dangerous the Philippines actually is do so at their own peril

[Ako Si Jamie]

I do have an understanding why you think the way you do.
Don't entirely agree, but we're all unique individuals with different solutions.

I can't imagine feeling the lack of security you hint at and certainly don't intend to live my life with one eye looking over my shoulder. If I may ask, whereabouts in the Philippines have you stayed?

I make no effort to engage with any ex-pat community here in Davao City.
I have a few 'friends' to chat with now and then, but never socialise.
No offence intended here and maybe it's just my misinterpretation, but the Philippines does seem to attract some strange characters.

One guy who I got fairly close to, well close enough to consider inviting round to my house, recently passed away at 61 years young.
His son came over to the Philippines to organise the neededs.

Turns out his dad had been a chronic alcoholic for 40 years. Divorced 3 times and had squandered away the remains of his personal fortune.
At his funeral were 4 g/f's / partners and a good number of folks all owed significant sums of money.

I have to say he hid his secrets well.
I miss our conversations, I genuinely liked him and will only carry fond memories

I've come across a few people like that. Very likeable and sociable to begin with but in the end their dark side emerges. Sounds like a typical con artist who builds up trust only for the intentions to screw someone over, hence him owing all that money to different people.

[Terpe]

I've come across a few people like that. Very likeable and sociable to begin with but in the end their dark side emerges. Sounds like a typical con artist who builds up trust only for the intentions to screw someone over, hence him owing all that money to different people.

Lots of ex-pats here from Europe just like that.
Had no idea just how many until living here.
Thank goodness they don't live near me as I think they could become a pain.

The Philippines does seem to me to attract such folks for some reason or other