Not very well

[stevewool]

YOU ARE WARNED,Well would you credit it, a great holiday and back here for 1 day and i suddenly feel unwell, 10.05 am Sunday and here was me banging on the bathroom EMMMMMMMMM, let me in, poor girl but if you have to go you have to go, but at least i had someone to talk to and take my mind of the situation.
Well after that i felt a little better but i was so cold and shivering too, in fact i laid on the floor right next to the radiator and fell to sleep for most of the day.
After no more bowel movements that day we went to bed after taking some beachems and a nice massage from Ems plus vic rubbed on my feet, chest and back.
Well 3am came and i thought i was fine but i trumped and that was it " luck would have it i was wearing pants on in bed "
I shot out of bed into the bathroom and sat on the loo for a while after what seemed like ages i had to clean up, so being kind and not waking everyone up i decided to rinse out the cloths with cold water in the bathroom.
Remember everyone i am not well so i turned o the cold tap and cleaned it through and i could not turn the tap off, that time of the morning it sounded like Niagara falls the water coming out of the tap, but it just would not turn off.
Down stairs looking for a philips screwdriver i did get on straight back upstairs , then i could ont get my nail under the cap, so back down stairs to look for a flat head, found that and back to the tap, i did managed to get the cap off then i did release the screw but still it would not budge , i was panicking , TURN THE TAP THE RIGHT WAY STEVE NEXT TIME.
Like i said i was confused.
Feeling 99% better but not the 100% but with the love from Ems i shall make it, she cannot understand that i need to starve myself and all she wants to do is feed me.
I have other stories to mention but they may be to gross for some folk.
If this has put you off anything well you should not have read it

[grahamw48]

Is your first name Frank by any chance ?

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[SimonH]

You've got to that age when you're having dry dreams and wet farts. Not like the good old days when it was the other way round

[stevewool]

Well so far my farts have been dry and loud, but they have always been sat on the toilet too" just in case".
Yesterday at work i had a accident and i had to rush to the loo, but to late , so again pants washed in the sink but how lucky was this , we have a pallet of DAZ soap powder, so i washed my pants out with that and brought them back up stairs and hung them from the back of the chair near the heater, they dried out perfect and smelt fresher too.
The office staff could not believe it and was laughing but hey when your in charge who cares , also thanks for your concerns boys

[stevewool]

You've got to that age when you're having dry dreams and wet farts. Not like the good old days when it was the other way round

, that is dry, and the pants are clean

[stevewool]

Is your first name Frank by any chance ?

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On that night my name could have been anyone, remember i was poorly and out of control

[Slip]

I'm taking a day off today with slight manflu... Although I think I sweated most of it out last night in bed.... Don't think I shat myself!

[grahamw48]

.

[stevewool]

Good news, my farts are still dry

[Arthur Little]

NONE too keen on *diarrhoea (a dose of the skitters to those who can smell - though not spell - *it) ... but I much prefer a nice good clearout to constipation!

[stevewool]

There is nothing better then being at home when this happens ,but now with all the Imodium i have taken now i think i may be block,but so far so good the farts are still dry but load and long, what a state i would have been if it happened on the day of the flight, I may still have been there still in panic mode

[grahamw48]

I could do without the CCTV to witness it though.

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[stevewool]

I could do without the CCTV to witness it though.

.

O dear that's wrong but they do have my sympathy,

[Arthur Little]

... remember landing at Glasgow Airport on our return from Barcelona in 2012, wearing the straw hat pictured in my profile. And
suddenly - as Myrna & myself were sauntering along the makeshift corridor leading to the main concourse - me (involuntarily) letting rip with one really lo~ng 'n' extra LOUD rifffffter ............ that very nearly blew my hat off in the process!

... Oh, wish this forum had a smiley depicting farts!

[stevewool]

Did you say sorry Arthur or just ignored it and carried on walking like it was someone else who had FARTED

[stevewool]

Wow a farting emoticon ,come all let's find the best and loudest fart

[Arthur Little]

Did you say sorry Arthur or just ignored it and carried on walking like it was someone else who had FARTED

... 'fraid NOT, Steve. We simply quickened our pace, carrying on our merry way, being somewhat too embarrassed to even look round - let alone apologise.

Although, Myrna - it has to be said - turned out to be ... ... well, rather less than impressed by my resonant public performance.

[grahamw48]

...

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[soulman1949]

Oh boy, Much TMI! :-(

[Terpe]

I'll tell you a story that is sure to please,
Of a great farting contest at Burton-on-Tees
Where all the best arses paraded the field,
To compete in a contest for various shields.

Some tighten their arses and fart up the scale,
To compete for a cup and a gallon of ale.
While others whose arses are biggest and strongest,
Compete in the section for loudest and longest.

Now this years event had drawn quite a large crowd,
And the betting was even on Mrs. MacLeod.
For it had appeared in the evening edition,
That this lady's .... was in perfect condition.

Now, old Mrs. Jones had a perfect backside,
Half a forest of hairs with a wart on each side.
And she fancied her chances of winning with ease,
Having trained on a diet of cabbage and peas.

The Vicar arrived and ascended the stand,
And thus he addressed this remarkable band.
"The contest is on as is shown in the bills,
We've precluded the use of injections and pills."

Mrs. Bindle arrived amid roars of applause,
And promptly proceeded to pull off her drawers,
For though she'd no chance in the farting display,
She'd the prettiest bottom you'd see this day.

Now, young Mrs. Pothole was backed for a place,
Though she'd often been placed in the deepest disgrace
By dropping a fart that had beaten the organ,
And the poor Vicar, old Jonathon Morgan.

The ladies lined up at the signal to start,
And winning the toss, Mrs. Jones took first fart
The people around stood in silence and wonder,
While her wireless announced gale warnings and thunder.

Now, Mrs. MacLeod reckoned nothing of this,
She'd had some weak tea and was all wind and pride.
So she took up her place and her .... opened wide,
But unluckily ....... and was disqualified.

Then young Mrs. Pothole was called to the front,
And started by doing a wonderful stunt.
She took a deep breath and clenching her hands,
She blew the whole roof off the popular stands.

That left Mrs. Bindle, who shyly appeared,
And smiled at the clergy who lustily cheered.
And though it was reckoned her chances were small,
She let out a winner, outfarting them all.

With hands on her hips, she stood farting alone,
And the crowd stood amazed at the sweetness of tone.
And the clergy agreed without hindrance or pause,
And said, 'First, Mrs. Bindle... now pull up your drawers!'

But with muscles well tensed and legs full apart,
She started a final and glorious fart.
Beginning with 'Chopin' and ending with 'Wing'
She went right up the scale to 'God Save the King'.

She went to the rostrum with maidenly gait,
And took from the panel, a set of gold plate.
Then she turned to the Vicar with sweetness sublime
And smilingly said, 'Come up and see me some time!'


Not my work I should add.
Anon by all accounts.........unless you know different

[grahamw48]

Nice one.

[stevewool]

Well boys and girls , Steve is back to normal " well his normal anyway", yesterday i went solid and life is great , thanks for the fun many have gave me and i did hope i put a smile on a few of your faces too,