Todays Joke

[Longweekend]

Condom Codes

A young woman started work in the small English Village chemist shop.
She was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public.
The Chemist was going on holiday for a couple of days, and asked if she would
be willing to run the shop on her own.
She had to confide in him her worries about selling condoms.
"Look" he said. "My regular customers don't ask for condoms;
they either ask for a 310 (small); a 320 (medium); or a 330 (large).
The word condom is never mentioned".

The first day was fine, but on the second day a large black guy came into
the shop, put out his hand and said "350" please.

The girl panicked.

She phoned the Chemist on his mobile and told him of her predicament.
"Go back in and check if he has a bucket hanging between his legs,"
her boss told her.
She peeped through the door, and saw the bucket hanging between the
guy's legs.
"Yes!" she shouted down the phone. "He's got one hanging there!"


The boss replied, "Well, go back in there and give him £3.50 ...
He's the window cleaner

[Longweekend]

So what if I don't know what Armageddon means? It's not the end of the world.

A blind man walks into a bar, and a table, and a chair.

This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.

My friend asked me to help him round up his 37 sheep.
I said "40"

I've found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters.
It's shift work.

Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines.

Two blondes meet on opposite sides of a river. One shouts to the other "I need you to help me get to the other side!"
The other blonde replies "You’re on the other side!"

My friends say there's a gay guy in our circle of friends... I really hope it's Todd, he's cute.

What's the difference between a dirty old bus stop and a lobster with breast implants? One is a crusty bus station the other one is a busty crustacean.

[SimonH]

All new to me, very good

[SimonH]

Logged onto the weight watchers web site the other day and was asked if I accepted cookies

[Longweekend]

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.
A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausage?"
The assistant asks, "Are you Irish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"
The assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't."
The guy says, "Well then, just because I asked for Irish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Irish?"
The assistant replied, "Because you're in Halfords."

[Terpe]

Very good LW
I was very tickled by them all. Especially the Irish Sausage one

[Longweekend]

Mick was a single fellah, living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune...

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit £200 million."

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later...
...she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.


Says it all really.....

[Longweekend]

I went to the pub last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table. "Good legs!" I said!

The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"

I said, "Definitely! … Most tables would have collapsed by now."

[Terpe]

More good 'uns LW

I almost spat out my SM on the legs one

[SimonH]

I've always wondered about these ads. You've seen all the commercials. But what really happens when you ask for help with an erection lasting more than 4 hours?
I went to a chemist store and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.
The woman I spoke to said she was the only pharmacist and since she and her sister owned the store, there were no male employees.
She asked if she could help me.
I said that I really would have preferred to speak with a male pharmacist. She assured me that she was completely professional and whatever it was that I needed to discuss, I could be confident that she would treat me with a high level of professionalism.
I reluctantly agreed and began by saying, "As a shy man, this is tough for me to discuss, but here goes. I get erections every day that last more than four hours. This condition causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it."
The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister."
When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and this is the absolute best we can do:
* 1/3 ownership in the store
* a company car
* a king size bed and
* £3,000 a month in living expenses."

[Longweekend]

[Longweekend]

Paddy was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows.
'Twenty quid' she whispers.
He'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the heck, its only twenty quid. So they hide in the bushes. They're going 'at it' for a couple of minutes when all of a sudden a light flashes on them, it's a police officer.
'What's going on here, people?' asks the officer.
'I'm making love to my wife,' Paddy answers indignantly.
'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know.'
'Well,' Paddy says, 'neither did I, until you shined that light in her face'.

[Longweekend]

A blonde woman was caught speeding by a blonde female officer.
"I need to see your driver license", said the blonde cop.
The blonde driver dug through her purse, becoming agitated that she couldn't find it, finally said, "What does it look like, officer?"
The lady cop said, "It's square and has your picture on it."
The female blonde driver at last found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the blonde lady cop. "Here it is", she said.
The blonde officer looked at it, then handed it back saying, "OK, you can go. I didn't realize that you were a cop.".....

[Longweekend]

A young lad buys a donkey for £100, but when the farmer delivers it, the donkey is dead and the farmer has spent the money.

"I'll take it anyway and raffle it off" says the boy.

"You can't raffle a dead donkey" says the farmer.

"Yes I can, I just won't tell them it's dead" says the boy.

A month later the boy meets the farmer at a market and he asked what happened with the raffle.

"I sold 500 tickets at £2 a ticket and made £900 profit!"

"Didn't anyone complain?" says the farmer.

"Yes", the kid replies
"Just the guy who won... so I gave him his £2 back".

The kid is now an investment banker.....

[Longweekend]

A guy meets a sex worker in a bar. She says, ‘This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for £300 as long as you can say it in three words.’ The guy replies, ‘Hey, why not?’ He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays £300 on the bar, and says slowly. ‘Paint…my….house.’

[Longweekend]

A blonde gets home from work early & hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.
She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed, sweating and panting.



'What's up?' she asks.


'I think I'm having a heart attack,' - cries the husband.



The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing,
her four-year-old son comes up And says,

"Mummy, Mummy, Aunty Shirley is hiding in the wardrobe, and
she has no clothes on"

The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom right past her husband.
She rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor.



'You rotten Bitch', she screams.
'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked,
playing hide and seek with the kids!!

[Terpe]

Both tickled me no end.

It's good to laugh

[Longweekend]

Ay lad it costs nowt....

[Longweekend]

There once was a girl who begat,
Triplets named Nat, Pat, and Tat.
Twas fun in the breedin
but not in the feedin
because there was no tit for Tat.

[stevewool]

There once was a girl who begat,
Triplets named Nat, Pat, and Tat.
Twas fun in the breedin
but not in the feedin
because there was no tit for Tat.

[Longweekend]

A THOUGHTFUL HUSBAND

A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas.

The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and
as they had a lot to do, so she called him on her mobile.

The wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do"

He said " You remember the jewelers we went into about

10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace?



I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I
would get it for you? "

Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all
choked up. "Yes, I do remember that shop" she replied.

" Well I am in the bar next to that.".....

[Longweekend]

My wife was dying...

I was by her bedside offering some comfort in her closing hours

She said in a weak, tired voice, "There is something I must tell you"
"Shhhh", I said, "Just rest"
"No, No, I must confess" she softly stammered with a tear emerging from her eye
"There's nothing to confess, everything is alright" I hushed soothingly
"No, I must die in peace. I had sex with your brother, your best friend and his best friend, and with your father!"
"I know", I whispered, "That's why I poisoned you. Now just close your eyes...."

[stevewool]

My wife was dying...

I was by her bedside offering some comfort in her closing hours

She said in a weak, tired voice, "There is something I must tell you"
"Shhhh", I said, "Just rest"
"No, No, I must confess" she softly stammered with a tear emerging from her eye
"There's nothing to confess, everything is alright" I hushed soothingly
"No, I must die in peace. I had sex with your brother, your best friend and his best friend, and with your father!"
"I know", I whispered, "That's why I poisoned you. Now just close your eyes...."

[Longweekend]

A police officer called in to his station saying "I can see a black fella dancing on the roof of a car, what should I do sarge? the station sergeant replied "You can't say black fella you have to be politically correct"

The Officer said "OK. ZULU FOXTROT SIERRA".....

[Longweekend]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a saloon and sat down to drink a beer.


After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who owns the big white horse outside?"


The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do....... Why?"


The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you’d like to know that your horse is just about dead outside!"


The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was close to death from heat exhaustion.


The Lone Ranger got the horse watered and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.


The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to cool down and feel better."


Tonto said, "Sure, no worries Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver.


Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the saloon to finish his drink.


A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stands again, and says, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?"


Ya left your injun runnin!".......

[Longweekend]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a very attractive woman waving at him.
She says 'Hello.'
He's rather taken aback - because he can't place where he knows her from. So he asks 'Do you know me?'
To which she replies 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife. So he asks 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party, who I made love to on the pool table, with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery ?'
She looks into his eyes and says calmly 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

[stevewool]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a very attractive woman waving at him.
She says 'Hello.'
He's rather taken aback - because he can't place where he knows her from. So he asks 'Do you know me?'
To which she replies 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife. So he asks 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party, who I made love to on the pool table, with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery ?'
She looks into his eyes and says calmly 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

That's funny