Having just returned to the UK from Cebu via Singapore a couple of weeks ago, I have to say that airport security seems to have been stepped up almost to the point of paranoia... And commonsense seems to have been the major victim...

I can understand the need for vigilance in these times, but surely the screening could be carried out without so much inconvenience and delay for passengers? Cebu in particular was like something out of Kafka. Fine getting in, but a nightmare getting out. Are 3 full scans really necessary before you can get into the waiting lounge? What could I have bought when I was airside that was a potential threat?

I'll tell you one think I could not have bought - a cigarette lighter! Be warned that Cebu is now a non-smoking airport, and they seem very proud of that...As soon as you go airside, there is the first scan, before the check-in desks. That's where I was first made aware of their no-smoking policy:

"You have a cigarette lighter."
"Yes, I use it to light my cigarettes..."
"This is a no smoking airport."
"Oh.. sorry.. I was not aware of that. OK, so I will not smoke here."
"We must keep your lighter."
"Is that necessary? I can wait till we land at Davao before I smoke."
"This is a no smoking airport. We do not allow lighters."
"So I can buy cigarettes here, but I can't smoke them?"
"This is a no smoking airport. You can go outside to smoke."
"You will return my lighter if I go back outside?"
"Yes."
"And then confiscate it again when I come back?"
"Yes."

Hmmm... I pondered over the situation while I was waiting at the inevitably late-opening check-in desk. I actually had 2 lighters: they found the one I put in the tray, but not the one I had in my jacket pocket, which went through the scanner... Maybe the scanner can't detect a plastic disposable lighter? So, I got my lighter back, went back out for a smoke, and then went through the whole rigmarole again. She confiscated my lighter from the tray... but the one in my jacket pocket was not detected. Big inward smile from Smuggins as I felt I had managed to fool them

But it did not last, of course I soon encountered the second scanner, and went through the same procedure, confident that they would find nothing. Rucksack first.. jacket containing the lighter behind...

"You have a cigarette lighter."

Oh ****... Now I was starting to feel really peed off, and that cheap tacky little lighter suddenly became the most prized possession in the universe to me...

"No - you took my lighter already. Twice."
"You have a lighter in your bag."

Hang on.. the lighter is in my jacket... let's be honest...

"No... I'm sure I have no lighter in my bag."

She checks the scanner screen again...

"We see a lighter in your bag."

I was sure they would soon find it, as the jacket was in front of the woman all this time, so I just thought sod it, it's there, you find it...

"There must be some mistake. I am pretty sure there is no lighter in my bag."
"Open it please."

So I opened it... emptied it slowly... opened all the things inside... Then she put the empty bag back through the scanner...

"We still see a lighter. You have a lighter."

What? Now two of us are taking the piss! You can see a lighter in an empty bag? A lighter that was never there in the first place?

"I have NO lighter! There must be some mistake. You have checked everything in my bag."
"Do you have a camera?"
"Yes I do. It is there in front of you."
"OK. You can go."

I was gob-smacked... Did that really happen?? I turned round to apologise for the delay to whover was behind me in the queue - and he muttered "The .......s have just taken 5 lighters off me!"

Then I saw the 3rd scanner.. and almost gave up the will to live... But thankfully, that was as good as the first one, and they detected nothing - or, if they did, they did not care!

I saw the guy who was behind me at the 2nd scanner again on our stop in Davao, in the smokers' cafe:

"You jammy sod! Have you got a light?!"
"Yes, for the moment! Anyway, you can buy a lighter at Changi?"
"Yeah, that's what I'm intending to do!"

There were 2 Australians there too off the same flight, and they had managed to keep their lighters. Didn't get chance to ask them how they had done it though!

I hate airports, but Changi is a real pleasure to spend time in. Not least because it has an Indian restaurant! They have increased security too, though - they are now doing full scans on incoming flights, on a random basis... And mine was randomly selected, of course...

Didn't see the lighter guy again there, but Changi allows smoking, so he would have no problems... An unforgettable return trip, and I was relieved to be back in Manchester at last... and light up my first cigarette after 14 hours on the plane. Then I heard a familiar voice...

"Can you give us a light again please?"
"What happened? Did you not buy a lighter in Singapore?"
"No - the .......s refused to sell me one!"

The things us poor persecuted smokers have to endure.. it's almost enough to make you want to give up... almost

Ivor