is she lazy?? Im giving up

[Bacolod]

Hi fellow,
I am new here and I come from europe(not England) and Im happy to find this forum..
My first thread is not a happy story but i quess and sure im not alone.
We did meet online and fact is that we did chat almoust one year online, email, msg and on phone. My phonebill was so big hehe and april last year I did come here and marry girl of my dream.
To make long story short this dream has beccome nightmare.
The girl that said and act all the time like she like all the same and me did change a lot after one week together.
For me that always have work hard and like to act in anything I do she is just lazy or I dont know how to put this is word.

Few sample:
After we found house for rent she only wanna stay home and when I can drag her out she start complain after 1 hour that she is so tired and if we can go home.

She got pregnant on the first week and did feel lot sick first months and I did always said to my self that this will be over and I will get my girl back to normal but now almoust year later she still is the same.

All our time together we have not be able to live alone. There have been 1-4 family member all the time on our home to take care of cleaning and cooking and after the baby did born she fast give it to other after few min.

If I try to talk about what I feel I fast start feel quilty and insteed to talk about what I see as proplem the talk end in I feel bad and like I have done something wrong.

Now things are like that I avoid to talk about my feeling and I feel ignored.
First week we did have great sex life but that is all gone( I know part of that is because she was pregnant)

She dont want me to go out and if I go to bike or drive around because I fell boring she did always wanna go with me but now I try to go alone because I know after few min she want to go home.

In any things I try to talk about for sample do some business she always shake her head and say "I dont Know".

I do love my wife but past 3 month I admit that my power is gone.

She dont clean her home
She dont cook and for me that did have hard time here to find what I like it is wery hard.
She always said and say I have to command her to do things because im the head of the fam but im not use to command and I feel like Im having slave if I start that. Note: I did try it few time but she did almoust never follow. Only if I said "hon can u cook this for me she did do it but only if it was orginal filipino fried food. That is all she can cook and she dont even try to learn other. She even fried groundbeef and man it is like eating stone :(((

I was not fat when I come here but I have lose 10 kg one less then one year.

Dont misunderstand me!!! I know there is always 2 site of the story and this is just small part of my proplem. I just feel ignored if I ask for more then "stay home mom/wife" and do nothing....


Pleas some advise...regards,

[Mrs Daddy]

Blimey thats a sad story.am sorry to hear that,if i were you you should have to have a heart to heart talk conversation.obviously if am wrong she`s not born to be a good housewife.in my own case I have tried to learn to cook english food to please my husband but i know evry filipina not the same.I advise you to talk things out to her before things gets worse.More power and God Bless!

[Piamed]

I agree with Mrs Daddy; clearly you are sad and unhappy. I imgine that she is also. I think you should try to sit down and talk it through. I agree you should not command something that someone who loves you should want to do anyway. People in love are motivated to be better people for themselves as well as those they love.

I think its positive that she is showing some interest in accompanying you when you go out. She is making an effort. She may also have a valid reason in mind why she wants to go home sooner than you do. Perhaps you can try to explore what she also likes and share in those activities with her.

Regarding starting a business: there are seveeral types of people - those that conceive ideas, those that take ideas to fruition and those that can come in when its up and running. Perhaps your wife is the latter type. That is fine, just explore some ideas with her and then start it yourself and bring her into it. If you make her contributions appear valuable to you i'm sure her enthusiasm will increase.

As far as the pregnancy is concernd, its a temporary thing. I have a friend that is currently in the same situation and he is try justify it to sow his accumulated seed. I don't recommend that at all. Be patient - normal relations will return, eventually.

All the best.

T

[joebloggs]

she could be depressed, home sick, post natal depression, bored, you name it.. like someone has already said, you need to talk and find the cause(s) of the problem.

[kimmi]

she could be depressed, home sick, post natal depression, bored, you name it.. like someone has already said, you need to talk and find the cause(s) of the problem.

[aposhark]

Hi Bacolod,
This sounds a distressing story.
I think both of you must have a heart-to-heart talk to find out what the problem(s) is.
She may be depressed if she wants to stay in a lot, or maybe continually homesick.
You say there are family members there, I am presuming they are your family, not hers?
She may need to see the doctor if she is clinically depressed.
Best of luck.

[chino]

she is recovering after the pregnancy....... she will be like this.

I think most filipino's don't like to be left alone and she will have family over all the time it's the filipino way....

I hope you become happy once again once she has returned to normal, by the way all filipino's do eat more than just fried food...

[Bacolod]

Hi Bacolod,
This sounds a distressing story.
I think both of you must have a heart-to-heart talk to find out what the problem(s) is.
She may be depressed if she wants to stay in a lot, or maybe continually homesick.
You say there are family members there, I am presuming they are your family, not hers?
She may need to see the doctor if she is clinically depressed.
Best of luck.

No it is her family. We do live in Phil now and I did move here. I did have idea about when i(foreigner) marry filipina that I would also marry the family but I never thought she will all live on our home...

[alicat]

she could be depressed, home sick, post natal depression, bored, you name it.. like someone has already said, you need to talk and find the cause(s) of the problem.

yah,i agree!..sad to say i can see my self to ur wife
a little bit sometimes im so angry without
reason..iam very moody..im just lucky my hubby is very
nice indeed.

[keithAngel]

Can you spell out your living situation renting built a house? ages of you and your wife did you talk about who is living with did she want to stay in the phlis?

How long between meeting and marriage?

[Bacolod]

yes talk to her about this is what I did try a lot but it always goes same way in first line. Her answer is always.. " you are always mad with me" and that is the end, even if I try to tell her that is not right then she say that she know Im not happy and if I want she can go to her home and give me some time alone
She have told me that she is so afrait with some one blame her if she do something and it dont work out.
I know her father is drinker and have been long time and maybe that is part of why she act like this..

[wynna]

Hello Bacolod, are you from Bacolod at the moment? My question is, did the both of you agreed that you'll be living and staying in Phils? She's fed up the way I read your story. Why dont you take her out a day or two away from her family and try and sort things out, maybe it will work or maybe not but at least you've tried.

[KeithD]

Most Filipina when looking for a nice Westerner are looking to start a new life, make new friends, get away from the daily grind of the life at home she has ever know. All you seem to be doing is just giving her more of the same of what she's always known, instead of being the white Prince who takes her away to a new castle in the West? No wonder she's peeved.

[keithAngel]

Most Filipina when looking for a nice Westerner are looking to start a new life, make new friends, get away from the daily grind of the life at home she has ever know. All you seem to be doing is just giving her more of the same of what she's always known, instead of being the white Prince who takes her away to a new castle in the West? No wonder she's peeved.

That was my initial feeling too, but not enough info to be sure, I also plan to stay in the Philis and have been clear about that from the beginning although where is not yet decided, I think you need to give some thought to your personal boundaries in terms of who lives in your home.Your wife has probably never experienced autonomy thats something you can support without feeling cast in a role your uncomfortable with

[ervenescence]

Most Filipina when looking for a nice Westerner are looking to start a new life, make new friends, get away from the daily grind of the life at home she has ever know. All you seem to be doing is just giving her more of the same of what she's always known, instead of being the white Prince who takes her away to a new castle in the West? No wonder she's peeved.

I don't usually agree with Keith but I think at this time, he is spot on..hehe

Yeah, and I think your wife is bored and fed up of her life in the Philippines. She might needed a break, a holiday abroad perhaps?

[IainBusby]

I think you need to sell up and move somewhere else. Somewhere that is near enough for the 3 of to go and visit her family sometimes, but far enough away that they would find it costly to visit you and they wouldn't be able to drop in whenever they wanted to and end up living with you again.

There are more than 7000 islands in the Philippines and I think you would be better off moving to one where she has absolutely no family. You need some privacy and you both need to get used to being a family.

Iain.

[ginapeterb]

Hello Bacolod,

I presume you are living in Bacolod City ? where are you ? I have a house and lot in Bacolod, (problem is I can't come over and have a beer with you, because I am in London right now working to pay for that house and lot)

Keith could be right, this is common not just with Filipina's but with all woman, sex is great during the courtship stage, then following marriage its fine, but gradually as with all marital relationships, the female outlook on sex changes, but not in all cases, the freqency of sexual contact in the marriage dissapears as quickly as whence it came, many men in monogamous marriages complain bitterly that sex is either fragmentary, irregular or actually non existent.

Women who have just given birth, tend to be dis-interested in sex, and the emotional period of being pregnant, having a baby, and then having a husband to contend with who naturally thinks nothing should have changed, has not taken into account the hormonal changes within the female body, he simply thinks she has gone off him, and is not up to the job anymore.

A recent survey in UK said that 85 per cent of married men were unhappy with thier marital sex lives, many of the men admitted to fantasizing about other women, some about their mates wife, others about single women at the office, others turned to internet pornography to satisfy their desire, many admitted to having an affairs, some more than once.

What most men said, was that whilst they loved thier wife very much and did want to break up the marriage through having an affair, they also said, that sex within the marriage had significantly got worse through time.

The survey revealed that the average times a week long term marital couples over 2 years had engaged in, was on average 1.5 times per week, and of this 40 per cent said, they did not have sex for up to 6 weeks or more.

We should not discount that British-Filipino or Foreigner-Filipina relationships should be any different, whilst I have yet to see anyone bold enough to do some difinitive research into the matter, we can assume that those relationships do not buck the trend, and that they in fact can be similar to the national trend.

In Bacolod's case here, the wife is simply following a national trend, shortly after giving birth, dis interested in sex, doesnt want to do anything, or get involved in outside interests.

The problem for Bacolod, is that he has already broken rule number 1, which is:

1. Never allow the parents/siblings of a girl to live with you in the Philippines.

Having parents and or siblings living in the same house as the marital couple is not a good idea, for one thing, you never seem to get any privacy, and also, your food bill can be higher than you imagined.

They will always eat communally, the good fortune of one sibling is geneally considered to be shared by all, if Bacolod as the resident foreigner in the house doesnt understand this yet, he needs to get real quite quickly, he will be expected to fund all of this, and take care of the families needs.

I can think of several cases, where families have been a major stumbling block for selecting a city to live in, in one extreme case, the foreigner-Filipina couple actually had to move some 70 miles away to get peace and quiet, and in the end, the family could not afford to take public transport to visit them.

As Keith indicated, was this young lady expecting Bacolod to take her to a life of streets paved with gold, in a foreign country, this may be the fact that her life was quite boring before, and now its worse, did you ever discuss with her where you will live.

Maybe she had high expectations, and has now had her hopes dashed by your wanting to live in Philippines with her, there are many reasons for her behaviour, most likely as others have indicated, she is clinically depressed and no amount of cajoling will help.

I know lots of people who would love to pack up here in UK and return back to Philippines to live, so its not about that, you need to investigate more and find out the root cause of her behaviour, and then try and support her by listening.

Women generally do not want a man to say, what is the problem, ok now we know what it is, we can fix it.

They want a man just to listen to them, and offer support, often these emotions are complicated and can't have ready made fixes all the time.

Best of Luck with her.

[Alan]

Peter, you are a true sage. What a perfect response.

Al.

[aromulus]

They want a man just to listen to them, and offer support, often these emotions are complicated and can't have ready made fixes all the time.

.

Peter..

Spot on with everything as usual.

Especially the last paragraph, as I experienced in the last few days.......

[Alan]

Peter..

Spot on with everything as usual.

Especially the last paragraph, as I experienced in the last few days.......

But, everything WILL be fine won't it Dom?

Al.

[aromulus]

But, everything WILL be fine won't it Dom?

Al.

Yup........... Everything is honkey-dory....

Thanks.........

[scott&ligaya]

Hi Aromulus, I tried to PM you but cannot, I have an idea to discuss with you