Remittances causing marriage problems

[aposhark]

Hi,

Most of the British men I have met personally have "quietly" told me that the amount of remittance sent by their respective wives is causing problems in their marriages.

I know of two couples who are having big problems because of this:
One Filipina is going to the Citizen's Advice Bureau because of the many problems brought on by the original remittance problem whilst her husband is sleeping in a different room.

Both sides of the story are:
"How can he tell me what to do with my money, I work hard for it"
and
"We are struggling to pay our bills and she still sends too much back home"

Reading posts in an American forum, it seems that this is an extremely delicate issue.
Solutions seem to vary from "don't let her send anything right from the start" to "I trust my wife's control and understanding of money and let her be the judge".

I am not married yet but would like to get a little more insight from members of this forum as to the best way to handle this issue.
Should an amount to be sent back to Phils be discussed before marriage so as not to have problems later?

I know this is an emotive subject and some whose spouse also reads and posts here may be less inclined to divulge thoughts for fear of a sharp knife or a long tampo....

[aromulus]

My wife is more interested is saving up for the future, but saying that, she also feels obliged to contribute to her family overthere, especially her daughter.
On average we send a couple of hundred dollars monthly, this is mainly to take care of phone, broadband, electricity, and school stuff, and whatever they can use the rest on.

I don't get any life or death sob stories. Or if she does she doesn't tell me about it. Jet has her own bank, paypal and xoom accounts, and I taught her how to use them to send money into her account in Phil for use by the family.
For while she has been doing the rounds of the charity shops and other outlets for bargains to put in balikbayan boxes.... Other than that...... zilch, really.

[KeithD]

I have to send everything to the poor kids in Liverpool in the hope one day they can escape and have a better life

[aromulus]

I have to send everything to the poor kids in Liverpool in the hope one day they can escape and have a better life

So that they can buy better printers to make better fake tickets to Lillipud home games...

[KeithD]

So that they can buy better printers to make better fake tickets to Lillipud home games...

We sell all the fakes to the Mancs

[trends5squared]

Open Communication is very essential in any relationship. I told my hubby before that the Filipinos are family oriented people. . . they would do anything for their family. . .in many cases “family comes first”.

If I will be working soon, I’ll talk to my hubby firs about how much I’m gonna be sending back home. Even though It’s your own earnings but since you are married it shouldn’t be just your decision but both.

I would say sending money to my parents in the Philippines is one of the signs of gratitude and love to them. They worked so hard to give me and my other siblings a good education. Right now, all my other siblings are also working abroad and we talk to one another and just planning on how to give them a better life.

[subseastu]

My missus is well switched on regarding this matter. From the start I agreed to help the brothers and sisters (parents died long ago) but not extended family, when you've got a good catholic family with 7 brothers and sisters and they've all got 6-7 kids it can turn into a long long list of those who need "help". We try to send money when we can but its certainly not a regular thing, mainly because of commitments in the UK.

From the families point the wife has told them that we help them but they have to help us otherwise the money stops. I think this is more than fair and stops them from taking advantage. We send the money to try to help them set themselves up with rice farms, fish farms etc so they become self sufficient in the future and use the money earned for schoolling of their kids and getting a better life.

THe missus understands what we pay out for here in the UK which is great for me and stops any undue problems. She just tells me when she wants to send the money and how much and if she does that in plenty of time we can budjet for it roughly trying to take into account exchange rates. All this has come from the wife with only the odd point thrown in from me.

No probs, its all about talking and setting some basic rules. My pennies worth.

[jencha8569]

Hi,

Most of the British men I have met personally have "quietly" told me that the amount of remittance sent by their respective wives is causing problems in their marriages.

I know of two couples who are having big problems because of this:
One Filipina is going to the Citizen's Advice Bureau because of the many problems brought on by the original remittance problem whilst her husband is sleeping in a different room.

Both sides of the story are:
"How can he tell me what to do with my money, I work hard for it"
and
"We are struggling to pay our bills and she still sends too much back home"

Reading posts in an American forum, it seems that this is an extremely delicate issue.
Solutions seem to vary from "don't let her send anything right from the start" to "I trust my wife's control and understanding of money and let her be the judge".

I am not married yet but would like to get a little more insight from members of this forum as to the best way to handle this issue.
Should an amount to be sent back to Phils be discussed before marriage so as not to have problems later?

I know this is an emotive subject and some whose spouse also reads and posts here may be less inclined to divulge thoughts for fear of a sharp knife or a long tampo....

just an opinion on my side i myself not married yet.. hehe

just a quick point: we (filipinas raised that husband is the provider of the family, we family oriented and generous)..hehe but i know for a fact that its different their in england a husband and wife have to work to survive unless someone is very rich.

its not important to discuss before marriage how much money to send back to phils but before marriage guy should tell his future husband background of the his finances (income and expenses) if its necessary. project probable expenses if married and living together. if wife is working already then
they can now start to have a clear balance (how much goes in and out). its a matter of proper communication and understanding.

in this case i suggest them to talk, hear each others side. possibly pay first all the bills and other expenses and savings if theres any then if extra amount is available that the husband is willing to send too to phils then go for it.
if there is none or husband not willing then its another story. to husbands if wife is working give her freedom to spend her own money not all i know but at least an amount which she can call her own might be she will send it back to phils or buy something for herself. like what aromulus reply here that he helped her wife handle her money thats a good way (i salute you for that)hehe
basically to make it short both parties really have to talk balance everything and understand each sides

its my opinion only hope it help a little..hehe i know many will post here with their own.

[joebloggs]

We sell all the fakes to the Mancs

yes but we pay you with monopoly money

for many years, sending money back to the misses family was a problem, but since she started working, she knows the value of hard earned money and we've set a limit to what we send every month and stick to it , its the only way, from the start, make it clear what you can send, and no more

[Piamed]

...to husbands if wife is working give her freedom to spend her own money not all i know but at least an amount which she can call her own

I think there are a number of issues here and several ways to address them, each with it's own relative merits.

My wife and I agree that family comes first but our view is that family means the two of us, first and foremost. Having sad that, we are both highly family oriented and are commited to and will continue to help our siblings, parents, etc.

Also, rather than sending money each month which causes dependency we (with the exception of school and associated fees) prefer to, like some suggested earlier in this thread, help them with cash-generating projcts.

I think that all money coming into a household money is for the household generally unless of course both parties agree to syphon off amounts for each individuals use. Others I imagine operate totally joint accounts and give as a couple. Each to their own. If you can't agree it's better to have separate accounts with agreed amounts put into it each month.

In theory it makes life easier when you pre-agree things prior to any marriage but we all know most such agreements can fly out of the window when a call comes through about some urgent and distant family need. Reaching some level of agreement is a good thing though. I also think that raising the subject with your wife and asking her for a possible solution given your financial circumstances might be a shrewed approach.

T

[Eljohno]

For us if we can afford to send money we do but we make sure our own bills etc are taken care of first!!

I understand that parents in the Philippines make many sacrifices for their kids so its understandable that the children want to help improve their parents lives as much as possible.

I find were the problems start is when, Aunties, Cousins, Neighbours & friends want money sent also!!

[eljean]

if you marry a filipino men you are not really obligued to give money,they dont actually ask,only if you marry a foreign its just the currency of the money i guess, or the reputation that comes within that they think that life and money is easier outside the philippines

[andypaul]

Well we support my wifes little bro and sis and contribute to her aunt and her family who look after them.

Thankfully the rest of the family have not tried sob stories. When My wifes Lola was il we sent emgency money but so did all family or contributed with time and effort if they had no money.

It seemed only right to send what we could to help as looking after loved ones is far more important. Although the Wifes Lola passed away befor ehse could return the extra money we and others aboad sent back meant she had her pain eased and passed away as peacefully as possible.

We could have used the money elsewhere but the comfort it gave my Wife and myself (Lola was very good to the Wife and I) was better than a Luxury holiday.

[Piamed]

We could have used the money elsewhere but the comfort it gave my Wife and myself (Lola was very good to the Wife and I) was better than a Luxury holiday.

[jencha8569]

if you marry a filipino men you are not really obligued to give money,they dont actually ask,only if you marry a foreign its just the currency of the money i guess, or the reputation that comes within that they think that life and money is easier outside the philippines

that is so true..i agree with yah eljean!!! its because of currency value and rep that life and money abroad is easy that they think its ok to ask. but vary to different situations like some just being dependant, some "kapait sa patalim", some really needs it but somehow the point is if both parties is willing to send money heartely back to phils then go. cosiderations will do depending on the situation.

[IainBusby]

I think it's up to the man to take control of the money and let the family back in Phils know that that is the situation. That takes the pressure of the wife when requests for money for this and money for that arrive, she can just say, I'll ask my husband.

As for general support (monthly remittances), I think that this has to be in relation to the to average wage in Phils not the sort of money they would expect from someone who has come here simply to work and support the family back home.

I think the folks back in Phils make crazy assumptions about how rich we are in this country and they put pressure on the wives of us Brits and the extended family over there also make these same assumptions and put pressure on the direct family to ask for money for whatever comes up.

Iain.

[ginapeterb]

MUNTING HILING !

Remittances are the life blood of the Philippines, with an estimated 15 Billion dollars expected by the Banko Central ng Pilipinas, if you are married to or in a relationship with a Filipina, you can be your bottom dollar, you will be a party to, or indirectly sending money.

A Filipina who does not send money is a shining white pearl at the bottom of the pacific ocean, let me know when you find it will you !

Because in truth, you will have to do alot of deep sea diving to find one, the fact of the matter is, sending money is not a monthly occurence, its a way of life.

Those Brit men who get into arguments about their girl sending money, has missed the boat, if its causing problems in marriages its simply because their expectations have been sadly misguided.

You could forgive them for thinking that when the girl gets to UK and gets a job, that this is great, as will help him with his household expenditure, if he thought that ! he thought wrong.

Whilst some Filpina's have been known to help and support the husband with hosuehold expenditure, and no prizes for this, (BRITISH WOMEN EXPECT TO DO THIS)

The majority of them (I am not steroetyping, so don't accuse me of this) don't, they tend to expec that what they earn is theirs, so how dare the farang husband tell me what I can do with my money, if I want to send it for my parents, or my siblings, don't interfere, I work for it.

And who would blame them ?

They don't really expect to come to foreign lands where honey flows down the sides of a toxteth block of flats, and sugar and spice and all things nice eminate and oooooze down the sides of a stretford end housing estate.
No No NO, and if he thinks he is taking my money, he is mistaken, I did not come here to wash his boxer shorts, cook the King's dinner, and service him while he slavvers down the side of the couch watching match of the day.

Foreigners should expect that the girl will send a fair proportion of her earnings back to the Philippines, its expected and planned for, anyone who fights this, generally ends up fighting a lost cause, the marriage gets into dificulty, and before you know it, they are heading for the divorce court.

I have a motto:

Only fight the battles that you know you can win.

On this one, you are sure going to loose big time, if you want to get something out of your babae, then allow her to send money, and she will say to herself, what a generous hubby I have, he lets me send my money and never asks for a penny, I am lucky.

[joebloggs]

hot the nail on the head pete


well my misses is slowly seeing the light, the cost for living in the UK is a lot more than she thought it would ever be, and we will only send what we can afford now...

i've got to start paying nearly £400 a month child for little joe on monday, so as we struggle, so does the misses family back in the phils

[sam_althea]

it reminds me of Lao Tzu saying that goes" Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day, but teach a man to fish and he will eat forever".....
why don't you tell the family in the Ph to sell bbq, banana-Q or whatever that generates money...send some for the capital to roll it over, otherwise your family will roll you over by sending them every month!

[aromulus]

've got to start paying nearly £400 a month child for little joe on monday, so as we struggle, so does the misses family back in the phils

Cheap vasectomy carried out.....

Just put "them" between two breeze-blocks.... Apply 200 lbs pressure............. Sorted...........

[keithAngel]

Cheap vasectomy carried out.....

Just put "them" between two breeze-blocks.... Apply 200 lbs pressure............. Sorted...........

You have to be careful to keep your thumbs out of the way though or it can hurt

[jencha8569]

MUNTING HILING !

Remittances are the life blood of the Philippines, with an estimated 15 Billion dollars expected by the Banko Central ng Pilipinas, if you are married to or in a relationship with a Filipina, you can be your bottom dollar, you will be a party to, or indirectly sending money.

A Filipina who does not send money is a shining white pearl at the bottom of the pacific ocean, let me know when you find it will you !

Because in truth, you will have to do alot of deep sea diving to find one, the fact of the matter is, sending money is not a monthly occurence, its a way of life.

Those Brit men who get into arguments about their girl sending money, has missed the boat, if its causing problems in marriages its simply because their expectations have been sadly misguided.

You could forgive them for thinking that when the girl gets to UK and gets a job, that this is great, as will help him with his household expenditure, if he thought that ! he thought wrong.

Whilst some Filpina's have been known to help and support the husband with hosuehold expenditure, and no prizes for this, (BRITISH WOMEN EXPECT TO DO THIS)

The majority of them (I am not steroetyping, so don't accuse me of this) don't, they tend to expec that what they earn is theirs, so how dare the farang husband tell me what I can do with my money, if I want to send it for my parents, or my siblings, don't interfere, I work for it.

And who would blame them ?

They don't really expect to come to foreign lands where honey flows down the sides of a toxteth block of flats, and sugar and spice and all things nice eminate and oooooze down the sides of a stretford end housing estate.
No No NO, and if he thinks he is taking my money, he is mistaken, I did not come here to wash his boxer shorts, cook the King's dinner, and service him while he slavvers down the side of the couch watching match of the day.

Foreigners should expect that the girl will send a fair proportion of her earnings back to the Philippines, its expected and planned for, anyone who fights this, generally ends up fighting a lost cause, the marriage gets into dificulty, and before you know it, they are heading for the divorce court.

I have a motto:

Only fight the battles that you know you can win.

On this one, you are sure going to loose big time, if you want to get something out of your babae, then allow her to send money, and she will say to herself, what a generous hubby I have, he lets me send my money and never asks for a penny, I am lucky.

u did very well ate gina or kuya pete what more can i say..

[joebloggs]

Cheap vasectomy carried out.....

Just put "them" between two breeze-blocks.... Apply 200 lbs pressure............. Sorted...........

i'm hanging on at work, maybe they will go broke , nice bit of redundancy pay, unemployment benefit, and some tax creds , in fact the £400 a month childcare is for only 5 hrs a day, also need to pay for me little gal in the schools hols, near £500 a month for child care..

it's getting to point that me or the misses would be better off not working

[keithAngel]

Well I must say this thread has ruined my day dream of finding a nice Filipino looking for a mature man 30years her senior so she can cater to his every whim,take two jobs if necessary to keep him in the manner he would like to become accustomed. Grateful for the opportunity to see snow and coronation st

How disappointing Hang on a minute found this site

www.filapinoorphans.com lol

[KeithD]

Well I must say this thread has ruined my day dream of finding a nice Filipino looking for a mature man 30years her senior so she can cater to his every whim,take two jobs if necessary to keep him in the manner he would like to become accustomed. Grateful for the opportunity to see snow and coronation st

Try www.indonesianuk.co.uk

[joebloggs]

Try www.indonesianuk.co.uk

it doesn't work scouser keith

i've even tried www.BOGOFbrides.co.uk must be out of stock

[keithAngel]

You seem to be leaking Boss......some sort of Welsh thing?

[andypaul]

Simple if the missus doesn't contribute to the household budget then
laters.

The Wife chips in with her amount but i have always made it clear if so much goes to other things than the household the same for me.

So she can carry on sending money home as it allows me to get me season ticket with no moans.
But our household comes first if we can't support ourselves we can't support others.

If the Wife wants to be treated like an equal in the marriage then we share everything.

Cant stand it when i see older Career women expecting a seat on the tube when they are fully fit. If you want to be treated like a weak helpless discrimated agaisnt woman then give up your job, indepence and vote then i will treat you as they did in the old days i.e give up my seat and open doors, untill you do if i get the seat first tough.

If you want to be a 21st century woman with equal rights then you have to be treated as an equal that means giving and sharing as well as recieving the rights.

Need to be firm with Remittance otherwise if you don't you become weak and will never hear the end of it.

Maybe other couples have arrangements and really the Wife is over as a domestic servant, cook and prositute but in our case we are two equals who bumped into one another on yahoo.

[robeth]

We could have used the money elsewhere but the comfort it gave my Wife and myself (Lola was very good to the Wife and I) was better than a Luxury holiday.

I appreciate u andypaul for being unselfish ...

I first learnt COMPASSION from my Lola...

[David House]

Of course I understand the "family" culture in the Philippines but it irks me when I hear of filipina wives in the UK who truly believe that it is their husband's duty to pay for the entire household budget and all their personal costs and that therefore anything they earn themselves can be sent back in full to the Philippines. My experience of this is that it promotes a dependency culture with some family members deciding they have no more need to even look for work now that they have a "rich" foreigner in the family. I have seen many drinkers and gamblers just sitting around waiting for the next remittance to arrive. I also understand just how tough life is there and that many really do need the help so a proper balance has to be reached.
As many reading this will understand, things don't work in the Philippines in the same way as they do here. I rarely find much business sense, budget control or planning. In fact most really don't think at all about tomorrow, only of right now so trying to build businesses so that they can sustain themselves can be a very frustrating experience because once the stock has been sold from the sari sari store, or the jeep needs a new licence or tyres it will be you who is expected to pay again. Where have the profits gone? In uncollected debts or to the church! My wife, bless her, has learned that the British way works and is every bit as tough as me now. In the past remittances sent for one thing have been used on another, often quite useless, project, or items we have provided have been sold for peanuts in the expectation that we would replace them on our next trip. Now we restrict what we send and to whom we send it, dont replace anything they sell and only buy bigger items ourselves when we are there, just to ensure the money is properly used. My wife and I are 100% together on this but she is now regarded by parts of her family as having been corrupted by my influence, failing to do her "duty" to give whatever is requested and of "counting" the money. She even gets compared to other Filipinas with foreign husbands who are said to send more. My advice to anyone who is at the start of a British/Filipino relationship is to discuss this very fully right at the beginning to make sure that you both really understand what the expectations and limits are and also to make sure that the "family" know these too. I am sure that for many poor Filipino couples getting a daughter married to a "rich" foreigner must feel like winning the lottery does to us.