Grabbing Mother in-law

[Darren]

Just thought I would get this off my mind, My mother in-law is a money monster!
I can't believe how she has behaved with my wife, I know and understand how the Filipino culture works regarding helping their families and I have a lot of respect for that, (if only our culture was as good in that way).
The thing is When I met my now wife her family were living in a squatter area and I was appalled by it to say the least, so when we got married I decided to help also, so I told them to look for a house in a better area and that I would pay the deposit. Well they kept looking and eventually after five price changes all upwards??? they got one I gave 150,000 for deposit and for furniture that left them to pay 5,000 a month. Against better judgement the mother in-law decided to use the 100,000 for an extension (A child could have done a better job!) My wife told her mother that she had helped them enough for now and it was the turn of the other sisters, but no! She was still asking for all she could get and not believing my wife that we were short on funds at the moment. The mother in-law stopped speaking to the wife about a month ago and turned her sisters against my wife as well I found out last week they are moving out of the house now and have given all the deeds and docs via our 3 year old daughter back to us, thus abandoning my wife for the second time ( they also kicked her on the streets when she was pregnant!) you know it makes me sick that people are like this and if you ask me its nothing but pure GREED!!! And I say that because when I do go back to visit its all want want want, buy this buy that its only 30,000??? I tell you why do they think I'm a fountain of everlasting money Grrr!
Well that's my little rant thanks' for listening.

Darren

[keithAngel]

Lucky it was you and not me!! I would have suggested Sex and Travel in no uncertain terms!!

[Darren]

Hahaha
You wouldn't suggest that if you saw the mother in-law!!!

[aromulus]

Lucky it was you and not me!! I would have suggested Sex and Travel in no uncertain terms!!

Yeah, easy to say, with the Mrs in the middle....

I am yet to experience a request for money. knowing the family as I do, I doubt it will come anytime soon.
The old guy would rather stick hot needles in his eyes than ask for money... Pride I guess....
My wife had a rollocking from her dad, because he thought that she asked me for the pc I gave her....

So to pay him back, I got him an engine for one of his pumboats, and he had his own Mrs having a go at him....

[Darren]

I know what your saying it would be great if she were like that, and the funny thing is when people don't ask me for money I seem to give it anyway if that makes sense to you?
The wife doesn't ask for money and she has more right to ask than any and needs it more!
The mother in-law seems to have no pride or shame when it comes to holding the hand out!!!

[keithAngel]

Yeah, easy to say, with the Mrs in the middle.....[/SIZE]

What Darrens describing is an abuse of help followed by emotional abuse which his missus has already experienced before. I agree that its hard for them but for myself I would rather face that than give a signal that I am available for this kind of behaviour..

Sounds like the perfect in-laws you found well done

[Darren]

Yes my friend you are so correct in your analysis of this sort of behavior and abuse!
And yes we are not letting them see that it is affecting us, though in truth it is terrible for the wife to go through this again.
We just have to stay strong and for me to support my wife even more at this time.

[jencha8569]

We just have to stay strong and for me to support my wife even more at this time.

best way to do

[Pepe n Pilar]

is that what they call a monster-in-law????

[jencha8569]

is that what they call a monster-in-law????

kinda

[Mrs.JMajor]

As long as you and wife understand each other don't bother the rest......sorry but a lot of like that (money face)...but not all

[Eljohno]

It is so sad when the parents get on like that and yet again being white = loads of money which we know is far from true. I know for 200,000 were my wife lives is enough to build a small family home.

[nparvus1202]

Maybe because you have poured them too much money right away, they thought you got loads. If you took your wife alone first and let her live in a decent apartment, and then hand her mom P4,000-P6,000 a month, the outcome might be different.

[IainBusby]

Maybe because you have poured them too much money right away, they thought you got loads. If you took your wife alone first and let her live in a decent apartment, and then hand her mom P4,000-P6,000 a month, the outcome might be different.

Sounds about right, thats about the average monthly wage over there and if your wife was working before she left Phils, thats probably more than she would have contributed to the family income.

I think you've been a fool to yoursrelf giving so much money and now they obviously think that whatever you give, you could probably give much more and they've begun to expect that you'll give whatever they ask for if they bad mouth and pressure your wife enough.

I think you and your wife should stop all contact with them until they learn to accept what you give and be bloody grateful that you gave it. I know this will hurt your wife, but she's already being hurt by them and unless you both make a stand, I think they will continue to think nothing of hurting her and think only of their own wants.

You notice I said wants not needs.


Iain.

[KeithD]

This is why you sort all this out before you get serious, as with finances in this country, it is one of the main reasons for a split.

[andypaul]

This is why you sort all this out before you get serious, as with finances in this country, it is one of the main reasons for a split.

Exactly money the root of all evill


In some ways its good they kicked them selves out of the house.

I hope thigs sort themselves out.

How is the Wife taking it?

[sam_althea]

sorry to hear about your story Darren!
i am a Filipino and i am not shy to say that some people in the Ph behave like that...they think white people are just picking up money on the road, sometimes no DELICADEZA at all...maybe because also of the poverty in the Philippines and once they tasted a piece of sweet they seem to despise the taste of a bitter lemon where they use to eat....
if she doesn't want to talk to you and to your wife anymore...who cares!!
she is just a narrow minded human!

[Kismet]

My fiance sends me monthly allowance, just enough to cover my internet expenses, load. My family thinks i get huge allowance from him. I have to explain to them that having a foreign boyfriend doesnt mean having endless flow of cash.

In your case, dont worry if the family wont talk to your wife. It is clear they wanted more money from you. That is not how family should be.

Maybe next time, give them a fishing rod to fish instead of just giving them the fish... that is if there is next time.

[Troubadour]

I am having a terrible time trying to show my wife's family that, although I appear rich, and am rich compared to the average Philippine citizen, I am not the Sultan of Brunei, Bill Gates or Rothschild.

Some members of my wife's family are convinced that I am sending mammoth amounts of money that my wife is hiding.

I am saving money for a house, but this is interpreted as stinginess by some of her family. It is not, I believe, due to a major fault in Philippino Human nature, but rather a complete lack of experience with even moderate amounts of money. Money is so scarce it must be spent before it is stolen or lost, or the family wakes from it's dream of affluence.

Work is scarce, and wages so low that all they do is live hand to mouth, the concept of planning a better life is pointless because it is out of reach.

I worry that it is my wife that takes the brunt of the family discontent at my stinginess. The other day she spoke to me of the latest Nokia and Guess Jeans desired, nay, demanded, by her sister. Sometimes I can see the strain and the cracks in her eyes and in her voice as we talk of her family's "needs".

Sometimes I feel like I am dealing with a whole family of autistic people, ike the character Dustin Hoffman played in Rainman. How much is a Nokia $10, How much are Guess Jeans $10, How much for an Aston Martin... $10.

How much money does bill gates earn a minute $10... and how much does ate's husband earn a minute...$10

[Piamed]

Some members of my wife's family are convinced that I am sending mammoth amounts of money that my wife is hiding.

Work is scarce, and wages so low that all they do is live hand to mouth, the concept of planning a better life is pointless because it is out of reach.

Sometimes I feel like I am dealing with a whole family of autistic people, ike the character Dustin Hoffman played in Rainman. How much is a Nokia $10, How much are Guess Jeans $10, How much for an Aston Martin... $10.

How much money does bill gates earn a minute $10... and how much does ate's husband earn a minute...$10

Excellent observations of the situation you are facing. It's clear that like so many, your outlaws have no concept of the real and relative costs of things.

Together with your wife, you may have to respectfully sit the ones you care about down and try to explain using practical examples.

Also try in a none reproachful way, to explain how their misunderstanding makes you both feel and how important it is to you that the understand the true situation so that they themselves are not disappointed or hurt because of their misunderstanding and expectations.

Good luck!

Toks

[Peanutz]

Excellent observations of the situation you are facing. It's clear that like so many, your outlaws have no concept of the real and relative costs of things.

Together with your wife, you may have to respectfully sit the ones you care about down and try to explain using practical examples.

Also try in a none reproachful way, to explain how their misunderstanding makes you both feel and how important it is to you that the understand the true situation so that they themselves are not disappointed or hurt because of their misunderstanding and expectations.

Good luck!

Toks

In my opinion even if you explained things and situation to the greed mother inlaw she/them will not going to digest it.
What would I do if I am in the situation?
Leave them, let them realize alone what they have done....
Keep your doors open for them but make them understand that there is a limit for charity.
The time of needs will come...I wonder who they are going to call to...

[keithAngel]

Nice post and some interesting observations....and cheap at only $9.99

[jencha8569]

give first what they need enough to make a small business or a living for them to survive.

[aromulus]

give first what they need enough to make a small business or a living for them to survive.

I don't think this is going to help at all, judging by the first example given.

Ideally, the parents should be confronted and told that their behaviour is unacceptable and make realize that there is no "money fairy" in the west.

[jencha8569]

I don't think this is going to help at all, judging by the first example given.

Ideally, the parents should be confronted and told that their behaviour is unacceptable and make realize that there is no "money fairy" in the west.

well usually filipinos doesnt like confrontation but if for good (which needed on this situation) then he should do that or best the wife.
giving them what they need to make a living is an option, they can say that
its the only thing they can give and should stand on it no more no less.
as what u said (make them realize there is "no money fairy" in the west)
if the mother or fam doesnt accept it then its their loss in time sooner or later they will need their help. *trust me
filipina and foreigner relationships not easy on both sides even complicated at times. wife in between fam and husband or husband in between his capacities and wifes fam or wife or both.
matter of compromise what mutually agreed upon but with considerations not spoiling.
anyways, i not married yet rom
just an opinion
i do hope all will be good darren and happiness for u and ur wife always

[aromulus]

well usually filipinos doesnt like confrontation but if for good (which needed on this situation) then he should do that or best the wife.
giving them what they need to make a living is an option, they can say that
its the only thing they can give and should stand on it no more no less.
as what u said (make them realize there is "no money fairy" in the west)
if the mother or fam doesnt accept it then its their loss in time sooner or later they will need their help. *trust me
filipina and foreigner relationships not easy on both sides even complicated at times. wife in between fam and husband or husband in between his capacities and wifes fam or wife or both.
matter of compromise what mutually agreed upon but with considerations not spoiling.
anyways, i not married yet rom
just an opinion
i do hope all will be good darren and happiness for u and ur wife always

The family was not dependant on "rich foreigner" money before the wedding....
Why should be now...???

In the long run, giving an allowance, would create a culture of dependency, like a drug...

It is much easier to say "Walay Kwarta" from the beginning....
It would save them from going cold turkey when things go pearshaped....

[jencha8569]

The family was not dependant on "rich foreigner" money before the wedding....
Why should be now...???

In the long run, giving an allowance, would create a culture of dependency, like a drug...

It is much easier to say "Walay Kwarta" from the beginning....
It would save them from going cold turkey when things go pearshaped....

i guess darrens mistake was he fed them in the beginning without telling or explaining wifes fam his side so the fam now wanting more easy catch fish.

keep posting rom u more experienced in this than me

best way for now darren love and make ur wife happy.

[IainBusby]

The family was not dependant on "rich foreigner" money before the wedding....
Why should be now...???

You got it dead on Dom. My wife's family was not dependant on "rich foreigner" money before the wedding, but they were dependant on my wife's monthly salary, so thats exactly what we send them every month, plus the odd lump sum now and then for something extra.

If you take into account that my wife and our daughter no longer have to be provided for from this amount, they are actually better off than they were before. They always say thanks for the money and they never complain about it, although because of the general perception of how rich we are in the UK, I'm sure they probably expected that we would be sending much more.

This perception of our wealth is very bad thing all round because the wife's family are often pressured to ask us for favours from the extended family, which they feel uncomfortable about doing.

Iain.

[KeithD]

...... there is no "money fairy" in the west.

WHAT......

[piccolapiccolo]

well, i think my future husband is lucky because he doesnt have to face a monster /grabbing mother in-law.It's impossible because my mother is already in heaven! lol...my father cant also be a mother in law for my honey !!! lol lol lol