All gone wrong since the Marriage.

[mickcant]

I met a Filipina girl online in 2006
This was through one of the Asian friendship contact groups, we spent the first year getting to know each other as well as you can before meeting up, with a weekly web cam and emails and text messages, one of the differences in us that bothered me was that she was 27 and I was 63 and had had a vastomany many years ago so it could not be reversed, she replied that she would rather have me without children than not, and as for age she had been badly let down by a Filipino boy her own age.

We then met up in March of 2007, I went to the Philippines for ten days, as there home was very small I stayed in a local hotel, after seeing my room, I could see she would have liked to be there also so my girl and 3 of her brothers and sisters as chaperons had a room also.

We took a trip with ten others from her family and went to Camiguin Island off Mindano, for a two night stay, it was a good chance to not only get to finally meet my girl but her family too,
I was surprised that they accepted me so nicely.

She was chaperoned but we had plenty of time more or less alone to get to know each other in person, towards the end of the ten days we talked about if we both wanted a future together and we seemed to have much the same wants and desires and principles,
I knew I had fallen for her by then she is very buetiful.

We continued our daily calls and texts, and I so wanted to be with her again so I went back in September 2007 for 14 days this time, again we had two rooms at a city hotel and went on lots of day trips with them showing me all there was to see, and of course plenty of eating out, most of the Filipina food I found good.
I took a heart shaped locket with me on this trip with our photos inside and towards the end of my stay asked he to marry me, I was delighted when she said yes, but that I would have to also ask her father, which I did on my last night and was relived he was in agreement.

When we were both home again we began to plan our wedding, she really wanted to marry in a catholic church, but because I had been divorced settled on a civil wedding service with a judge.
I traveled back to the Philippines in March 2008 and after stopping off at Manila to exchange my “no impediment to marry” form for the local one at the British Embassy
Went by Superferry to Mindano (I thought I would see a lot of the Islands by doing that, wrong!!) again we had two rooms, I had known from the start of our courtship there would be no sex before marriage, and as I have never slept around outside of marriage agreed with this.

It should have been a garden wedding in April 2008.but as it was so hot it was held in a hall, it took 2 days to decorate the hall. it was the full works with 100 people and the service took 2 hours, it was a traditional Filipina wedding with a judge and very enjoyable..

We then went to Bohol for a seven day honeymoon, which was very good.
She was reluctant to make love to start with but I put that down to nerves and inexperience,
We went Dolphin watching, Island hopping, and trips including to the Chocolate Mountains.
We then returned to her home city where we then lived as man and wife in one hotel room for another two weeks before it was time for me to go back to the UK.

I had left her with enough money to allow her, her daily needs for the three months I thought it would take to get her appointment and interview at Manila for her settlement visa in the UK.

We said our goodbyes and as I left the hotel at around 05.30 and as I now had made the journey to the local airport to go to Manila twice before, I left her in bed to sleep.

She text me as I arrived at Manila airport to ask where I now was and we talked and text until it was time for my flight late afternoon, we knew that we could then have no messages until I arrived at Heathrow early on a Saturday morning, when I let her know I was there and she responded, we passed messages and talked all weekend as normal.

On the Monday morning I normally sent a text to her as I arrived at work, but she sent me one saying “take care at work”.

This is the last message I have had from her, and her phone appears to be off.
After two days of worrying I contacted her brother in law in the Philippines, he replied that non of the family knew where she was and were also worried, this was two weeks ago, I now know she contacted one of her sisters she is very close to and gave her only a new phone number.

Where do I go from here?
I am in a terrible state unable to sleep; if she “had” been scamming, as some even Filipina’s have told me surely she could have had more money by taking the money I had sent while she was organizing the wedding, there was all her family from all over Mindano present would any Filipina do that?
Thanks for reading,
Mick.

[ginapeterb]

How long is it since you have heard from her ?

[SephEan]

oh my.. how long has she been not communicating with you?... I can't believe a Filipina can do that, i mean to that extent marrying you, giving her all to you, introducing you to her family, just to scam?... give her benefit of the doubt... And pray... Hope you find her soon and hope she will tell you the truth...

[ginapeterb]

One should not be quick to jump to conclusions without knowing the full story,

1. Mick has not made clear in his post the duration of lack of contact.

2. There are many missing peices to this jigsaw puzzle, that may not be immediately apparent.

3. Mick might have left certain things out which led him to not quite be so surprised of her alledged behaviour.


Very often when i see these stories posted on the forum, I always try and take a balanced view, in my experience of dealing with long distance relationships akin a marriage taking place in the Philippines, one always seems to find that all the tell tale signs are visible if only we would care to notice them.

Contact with a Filipina in Philippines that leads to a courtship and even then a marriage is at best a long odds gamble, just because there are thousands of happy endings, doesnt mean every one will be, there could be lots of reasons why Mick may feel his situation is going pear shaped.

The motives of the girl, coupled with the expectations and what may be considered to be reasonable requests, may not always fit the expectations of this young lady.

Each party to the relationship has a motive and needs when it comes to deciding on embarking on this quest, many reasons for sudden behavioural changes such as not being contactable, or turning cold, and other behavioural types are often associated with needs not being met.

For example, the British man has a set of needs he wishes to be fulfilled, fore example.

1. Wants a companion, or comfort woman.

2. Wants a wife, companionship, friendship, lover, to share his life, in his country, in his culture.



She may have a differing set of needs such as.

1. Financial security through marriage to a foreigner.

2. Financial security for her siblings, family, parents, etc etc.


One has to be honest about each others needs, and when those needs do not seem to be fulfilled, then problems arise, its so easy for people to be out of contact all of a sudden, such as "Her phone is switched off" thats so easy to enact, when one wants to be anonymous, its easy to achieve.

Then the family doesn't know where she is - of course this is all a fabrication, the family knows full well where the girl is, they are almost likely to be in on the situation, its unlikely that a young girl's family are not knowing her whereabouts.

Generally when these situations arise, its because one party has suddenly noticed a deficiency in their needs, and if these are not being met, or they think they wont be met, they suddenly become, non contactable, or show odd behavioural traits.

I wish Mick well, but cannot help feeling, there is a little more to this story than he is letting on.

Opinions can only be formed from the facts placed before them in a short story, only him and this girl, know what is the real story.

They are the best ones then to sort it out.

[Sconnie]

is it not 2 weeks ??

This is the last message I have had from her, and her phone appears to be off.
After two days of worrying I contacted her brother in law in the Philippines, he replied that non of the family knew where she was and were also worried, this was two weeks ago, I now know she contacted one of her sisters she is very close to and gave her only a new phone number.

[Pepe n Pilar]

I'm sorry to hear what had happened to you Mick. I can see you really love her foryou to be going to the Phils for th times and do all the stuffs to be able for her to be with you in the Uk but, if she had changed her behaviour after marriage then you should be keen about it. You can give her the benefit of the doubt as it is just a few days after she had texted you right? Do contact her family and her sister she is very close with and get informations. I'm sure they know her whereabouts. Good luck and hope you will get through with this ok very soon.

[aposhark]

Hi mickcant

Sorry to read your story with it's strange ending (so far).

This doesn't seem right to me, that a Filipina lady would go to the trouble of getting married, then to break off contact so soon after the wedding.

There MUST be a logical explanation, I really hope you get one.

Keep us informed and try to sleep whilst you are waiting for good news.

[ginapeterb]

I must have missed the 2 weeks scenario so i apologize for not having noticed that.

2 weeks of being out of txt or e mail contact or phone contact is strange and totally unnaceptable.

If Mick has genuinely not heard from his wife for 2 weeks, alarm bells should be ringing, I suggest if you can afford it, go back to the Philippines, and go and find her, that might sound draconian, but 2 weeks with no contact is outrageous for someone who has only just got married.

If you cannot afford to go back to Philippines, then contact the family urgently and ask them for her known whereabouts, if you get no satisfaction on that score, then sit it out and wait, you may find it something else, its not uncommon for some Asian girls, both Thai and Filiino to think nothing is wrong in not contacting you.

However with a Filipina, I find it very hard to beleive there is not something wrong.

[Pepe n Pilar]

Yes i agree with ginapeterb 2 weeks of no communications is strange and unacceptable. There are many ways of contacting you Mick and knowing you are already married to her so her family has somehow has your contact number for you're already a part of their family. So whatever bothers you at the moment is also their concern. As a filipina and newly married in that case, a constant communication with the hubby is part of the routine. She will do anything just to get in touch with you . If she doesn't have a pc at home then she can go to the internet cafe for only 15pesos/hr or 20pesos/hr and can talk with you or buy a single load for her cellphone for only 15pesos/send. Love knows no boundaries. Best of luck to you Mick.

[KeithD]

Maybe someone on here can track her down?

[mickcant]

Hi all, yes it has been two weeks, I have not deblibritly left anything out, her family are very worried about her as i am.
She has told the sister she has had a little contact with that she is coming home, but becouse of the row she had with her father not to their house, her brother in law, who i get on with very well has offerd her a room at their home, she has also said she wants to contact me, but might be a little afraid, she has no need to be as i have told the family,i just want her back in touch and to know she is ok i am very concerned about her, i love her more that life itself, i just want us together.

I think that after the wedding everything got on top of her then the row with her father just made her want to get away, i will let you know of any developments,
Hopefully Mick

[chino]

damn my GF kicks off i do not speak to her for more than 3 days...

Get someone to try and track her down...

[aposhark]

.....However with a Filipina, I find it very hard to beleive there is not something wrong.

Well said Pete.

Mick, I must admit this weird scenario has had me thinking off and on most of the day.
Her lack of contact so soon after the wedding flies in the face of reason, romance and "love" that seems to be at the heart of Filipino people.
I think she will come back to you with a reason, sounds like she is hiding because of something else.

[Piamed]

Sorry about the situation Mick. You said her sis has a number for her; have you been given that number and what has the outcome been when you tried to call her on it?

[mickcant]

Hi, I thought she had been given a new number, but it turns out she choose to reply to her after finding her message, i have left many messages along with her other family but the phone is always off,

[ginapeterb]

I Have to say I find this whole story bizarre ! and i find this lame excuse that she is afraid to contact you suspect ! rubbish ! she has a very good reason for not contacting you, and firstly, a Newly married Filipina is not going to all of a sudden drop contact with the new husband, and in any event this does not apply only to newly marrieds.

Filipina's who have been married for 4 years or more, will always ensure they contact the hubby, my Gina and I are often seperated for weeks on end during the summer holidays, when she goes home to relax.

We speak at least twice a day, once in the morning when I wake up to go to work, on the discount dial number, and once in the evening before I retire to bed.

The conversations are not long, just a quick hi honey, how are you, did this today, did that, went to the dentist, picked up the dry cleaning, had sweet and sour chicken for my dinner, and yes honey i did switched off the oven, yes honey, i did make sure the fridge door is properly closed, what was that the washing machine, yes its ok, I wash clothes after midnight, dont worry." bye honey see you tomorrow.

This regular rather mundane contact, is pretty typical of most couples, whether it be newly marrieds or longer term marrieds, you should be comfortable with each other, distance after marriage should not present any problems.

There is always a reason why they will not contact you, you just have to get to the bottom of the real story in time.

[aposhark]

Hello again Mickcant

Do you know anyone there who is in contact with her?
Does this person have a phone number that you can call?
Does anyone now know where she actually is?

Can someone go to see her to tell her how concerned you are and to implore her to speak with you? They should take a phone with them together with your number and ask her to speak with you. He/she should tell her face-to-face that all will be ok with you but she must speak with you.

This is still VERY strange.

Hope you get some answers soon.
If you don't you will have to go over to find her and sort things out.
You need to get help from someone in her family, someone has got to know something.

[Piamed]

Hi again. You mentioned the sleeping in separate rooms a couple of times as well as reluctance to make love.

Are you thinking that there could be something related to that?

[Pepe n Pilar]

I definitely agree with ginapeterb statements here. I can smell something fishy in your narrated story Mick. Your wife might be hiding something from you and/or her relatives as well, or it is only she that has planned of this and told her relatives not to say anything about it (just curious) because this is very strange. Just make sure that her relatives are telling you the truth that they also don't know where she is.

[rabb5it]

Mick

You really do need some good objective advice. You need some personal friends or contacts you can talk to regarding this matter

I’ll try to summarise my general overall view without getting bogged down in the small rosy details.

You need to be with any partner for months or years to get to know each other, & that’s including people from the same country, culture, language. You don’t need to accept the chaperone thing, it’s a Ph stunt for the chaperones to have a jolly paid by you, it finished in the 20th Century never mind the 21st

Anything can happen in the Ph, you never know the full story & don’t believe her family. A 36 year age gap is big. Why did you really think she wanted to marry you. Why do you think the family was hospitable to you? As Pete says, there will be more to your story. I believe you have not accepted the problems & doubts that you have deep inside.

You got married in the Ph? Why? It seems like you wanted her to come to the UK. What if you couldn’t get her into the UK, what’s the point of being married to a woman in another country in that case? Our immigration borders are tightening, thankfully. What if she had a criminal record or a previous marriage that excluded her, had you checked that out thoroughly? Have you researched the method to meet this aim? The straightforward criteria is onerous enough. I just can’t understand anyone getting married abroad in your situation unless you intend to emigrate there, and if that was your intention, why get married.

Your action plan: Don’t think of going there, cut your losses. Assuming you are a resident of England & Wales, can you now divorce her after 1 year even though you got married in the Ph & divorce isn’t recognised there. Find a solicitor who is familiar with divorce to foreign Nationals & get some legal advice to divorce asap, you never lived with her so the outcome should be favourable to you.

I wish you all the best & I believe the pieces will come together in your mind shortly.

Rabb5it

[Alan]

Hi again. You mentioned the sleeping in separate rooms a couple of times as well as reluctance to make love.

Are you thinking that there could be something related to that?

This bit made me think as well.

Al.

[IainBusby]

We then went to Bohol for a seven day honeymoon, which was very good.
She was reluctant to make love to start with but I put that down to nerves and inexperience

Reluctant to make love on the honeymoon!

I find that part of your story very strange. It could well be that after you became involved with her and went to visit her, she came under pressure from her family to marry you even if she didn't really want to, so that they (the family) would have a western benefactor. This could explain why she is in hiding from both you and her family.

I really do hope I am very wrong and that there is another explanation for her current behaviour and her behaviour during the honeymoon.

Iain.

[keithAngel]

As there is no definite info and conjecture is rife I will include this thought

You mention she had a row with her father, and that he had agreed to you as a suitable husband...what if
A/ her father has put her under pressure to ask you for something and she has declined and feels unable to talk to you about it

B/ there is a big demand coming soon when you are suitably stressed and happy to do anything to make things "right" for your honey with her family

Hope neither of these are true but scams rely on the creation and manipulation of emotional states

[aug06_2006]

Hi! Mick, sorry to hear your story ..hope your problem will be settle.

[nigel]

I think filipina's are more shy and submissive than british girls, my Vimvie often talks about things being "shameful" maybe the row with her father has left her feeling ashamed or embarrassed about something?

[sweet_cookie08]

Hi Mick..

So sad to hear your story. What's the update?

Just want to ask you about your wedding. Are you really sure that you had a LEGAL wedding? Did you went to getting a marriage license, attending a seminar and taking oath infront of the local registrar official? You need to know first if what you had was valid.. If it is not valid then you need to plan the next step you need to take.

Hope you are still OK though. Just keep us posted on what is happening with your "wife".. hmmm.. being reluctant to make love on honeymoon..

[ginapeterb]

Ian's point is very valid, reading between the lines I am starting to agree with him, was she pressurized into marriage to you, so that Munting Hiling could start.

Western benefactors or financier's are sorely needed to solve urgent and life threatening requests.

Her father may be putting pressure on her now to obtain a regular allowance for the family, she may have gone away for a few days on holiday, especially if you left her with 3 months money, that is like giving them a huge bonus at christmas.

But then again, why no contact with you, if she was in arguments with the Tatay about being pushed into asking you for money, then why no contact with you.

Time is the key here, it will sort itself out in time, as they say, everything has its own time in the Philippines, or is that Thailand ?

[rabb5it]

[QUOTE=sweet_cookie08;66534]Hi Mick..

So sad to hear your story. What's the update?

Just want to ask you about your wedding. Are you really sure that you had a LEGAL wedding? Did you went to getting a marriage license, attending a seminar and taking oath infront of the local registrar official? You need to know first if what you had was valid.. If it is not valid then you need to plan the next step you need to take.

Very good point sweetcookie. Mick, my previous text omitted to state that your first task is to investigate if the marriage is legal. With a bit of luck it may not be. Jot down all the facts & procedures that you went through & take this & any documentation you have to your solicitor to investigate.

rabb5it

[KeithD]

With a bit of luck it may not be.
rabb5it

I wouldn't call getting marreid and the wife going missing straight after, and maybe finding out the marriage wasn't legal after all 'Luck'!

[edentony]

Hello mick have you now resolved this, i hope you can post an update