To Trust Or Not To Trust? (That Is My Question!)

[IanB]

I hope you can give this a sympathetic hearing and let me know what you think.

I have been in touch with Mae since last August. We talk on the phone every second night. We text every day. We speak on web cam once a week. She is a lovely lady and I enjoy chatting to her. We are planning to meet up in Thailand this August for a three week holiday. Following that, hopefully marriage and she can come to England.

My problem is that I still feel unable to completely trust her. Before I explain why, I want to say that in my view if she is “scamming” me then that is bad luck for me and very sad (and might have cost me a few hundred pounds). But if she is straight and I wrongly give up on her, then I am throwing away a chance of happiness and I would be severely hurting a woman who doesn’t deserve it. Therefore my instinct is to give her the benefit of any doubt.

Why should I trust her? She is a sweet lady and we have talked for hours. She is continually saying how much she loves me. I think I really understand how much she is dreaming of meeting me in Thailand and eventually marrying me. She counts down the days until we meet in Thailand. She talks of happy days in the future when we will hold hands and go shopping. She wants to greet me with a coffee and massage my shoulders every night. For heaven’s sake, she even dreams of doing my laundry! She has a quiet life – she is not working and has no money to go out other than a few trips with her neighbour. She does not have many friends, and she is not in regular contact with her family. I detect some bad things have happened in her past. She was married, and her husband left her for another woman within a week or two of their marriage.

Why should I not trust her? First of all, it is obviously a good thing to be very very careful of people you meet over the internet until you know them well. She has not been completely straight with me in the past – mainly about her being married (although she never actually said she wasn’t married). I think in the early weeks of our relationship her cousin was helping her with emails and told her not to tell me about the marriage. Clearly it was then hard to know how or when to tell me. Secondly, she gave up her job before Christmas, in agreement with me. Since then I have been supporting her (15,000 pesos per month). When she gave up her job (which was neither very nice nor very safe(but she was not a bar girl)) she said she would try to find work in the new year. In the new year she quickly decided it was impossible to find new work – and I am not convinced she tried hard. On the other hand, I know that it is very hard in Angeles City to find decent work unless you are a graduate or prepared to work in a bar. A few other things have rung small alarm bells. I’m sorry, but I also worry about how good her colloquial English is. She used to never answer my phone calls first time. Now I call her at various times of the day and she always answers after the first or second time.

Last night we discussed getting her annulment. She has found a lawyer who has quoted a good price and who she likes. I will soon have some spare cash and so I intend to get the annulment moving. I suggested that I would not like her to walk around AC with several hundred pounds of cash in her pocket. I suggested I could wire the money direct to the lawyer. She did not protest loudly, but she suggested there was no need to do that – her neighbour would take her direct to the lawyer, and she was worried that the lawyer might think I do not trust Mae. We agreed to discuss it later.

My deepest fear is that somewhere there is a boyfriend pulling the strings, but I have absolutely no evidence for that. If this is the case, she is a very very good liar, incredibly good. Who else would invent the story about dreaming of doing my laundry?!!!

My gut feel is to press on with the annulment now and then make a thorough decision when we meet in August. However, a more cautious approach would be to wait until after we have met before progressing the annulment.

Another thing we have discussed is buying her a pc so we can talk on webcam at any time.

The least pleasant solution that I have thought of is to get someone in Angeles City to check her out – but how could I find someone I trusted. I would not want to think that someone might blackmail her. And it seems a really nasty way for me to behave.

Thanks for reading this far. What do you think? If you are going to respond by saying “drop her now” you are welcome to do so, but I will ignore it as that is not my style!

Ian

[Sim11UK]

I remember reading your posts before, but can't remember whether you have met each other?
Don't wait till August, just get out there, as soon as you can. You're only prolonging your agony. Quite likely, you have nothing to worry about.
I'm not so sure, sending her money, was such a good idea, so early on.
I'm going to meet my ladyfriend next month, for the first time & I made the decision, not to send her money. I don't see the point. Admittedly, I've sent her load for her phone, but that is just so it's easier to keep in touch.
I don't mean this harshly, but stop dithering & go and sort it out...It's the only way.

[joebloggs]

time and distance creates many problems..a big one trust.. you both meet each other for a few weeks of the year and have a great time. then you both part and go back to your own little world knowing it will be many months b4 you see each other again, you soon get back to your 'normal' life and routine. i did this for 3 years before i finally got the misses here..

who knows if she scamming/using you.only her, does she often ask you for large amounts of money?

[IainBusby]

I get the impession that you have never actually met this girl and if so, sending money is not a good idea. Besides, P15,000 is much more than the average wage in Phils, no wonder it looks like shes not interested in finding a job, as shes got no chance of finding one that pays as much as just being your gf.

I definately wouldn't consider sending more money to start an annulment process before you go there. If she is as nice as you believe and she is not scamming you, when you eventually go there to meet her, then you can accompany her to the lawyers office and find out how much money needs to be paid and when.

The annulment process is a long and expensive one with several payment stages and in my experience, if you pay too much up front to a lawyer, he'll just sit on it till you become impatient and then ask for more money to get things moving again.

Iain.

[marylen]

ye i agree.....real hard for you to trust at this point of time..(understandable on your part) don't rush into things that you are not so sure yet it ends up you in a big trouble....make things slowly a bit..enjoy getting to know each other without money involves at first just try to test if how long she will go on chatting with... she even tells you lies with regards to her status, shes making moves to get all your attention at first and make you believe with so many promises that turns you on.....And yes you are almost on your way of believing her...I wonder why she never tells you the real fact that shes actually committed and married... maybe theres a lot more things behind on her back ..you never know yet...........a lot more things happen and thats what you gonna find out. Why don't you ask if she has a kids as well? Really really a lot more things for you to find out espcecially on the case that shes totally and legally married.....you start to know lil by lil and weigh things up more before you trusted her in a big part....(woried if you will be more attach to her and that later on you founded something fishy) that hurts you more ..............

Anyway ...with regards to the annulment....it takes a long process yeah and a big cash involv, what i can advice maybe is....don't just file one yet, know her more...weigh things up more before jumping in a long que. Get to know her more first............in the right time you will know if she deserves your love and attention....money is nothing if that girl is deserving enough........your first step is to meet her in person and get to know her more, spend quality time with each.....and later on if you both feel attracted and inlove with each..yes thats the time you have to decide to take into a bigger step in filling annulment for you both to be more comfortable in facing the next chapter with no doubts.............and that everything will fall into place...after then you can decide in your own if she deserves to be trusted especially with the money involves(only time can tell).....for now just enjoy yourself getting to know each other more and more..............better especially in person....

oh...yea 15,000 is quite big enough for a man to send esp if havent seen in real yet..no wonder why she doesnt feel like to work instead........well anyway this is just my piece of cents..................don't take it seriously as yours better than mine.....(its all up to you) follow your instinct....

[ginapeterb]

Hello Ian once again,

I remember that you told us some time ago about your freindship with Mae, I remember you mentioned about your previous 2 marriages to Thai women, and that both have ended in Divorce, (or your 2nd marriage was about to end in a divorce proceeding).

I for one am not going to suggest you drop Mae, the reason for this is simple, you are in fact emotionally involved with her, and its true to say you are also probably in love with her, and even though you have not met her, being in love long distance comes very easily in any situation, that is not just between Foreigners and Filipinos but any couple where distance is between them.

With those thoughts in mind, you have told us that you find it hard to trust Mae, its not unusual to have those feelings, however, I must say in my experience, those ones who air those feelings publicly rarely end up progressing their relationship to the point of marriage and then living together.

Its the old saying "If something does not seem kosha, then normally it isnt, if you have suspicions about Mae's behaviour, then very often those suspicions are triggered by events that lead you to have those thoughts."

Going back to your sending money in the amount of P15,000 per month, that is also not unusual in itself, I am guilty of very much the same in 2003, I sent Miss Gina P30,000 to go on a trip to Manila, I had not been courting her for very long, about 3 months, however, I suppose the generous side of many of us would have done similar if the circumstances presented itself.

As Ian Busby has told you, there is very little incentive for Mae to look for a job in Angeles, if you are supporting her financially to the tune of P15,000 a month, that is probably double the average monthly salary for a graduate, and therfore, she is probably truthful in telling you that she could not find a job that pays that amount.

But sending her P15,000 is not really the major issue, no doubt you can afford to send her £200.00 a month without too much issue on your budget, and I know money is not the issue for you.

What is the issue is your suspicions, and the deeper they become the worse it will get.

What causes your suspicions ? you talk about once every 2 days, you text every day, and talk on webcam, you have to ask yourself, what is it that is it that Mae is doing that leads you to beleive that her conduct is not honest and honourable.

Those of us who have Girlfriends, fiancee's or Wife, do not post items of this nature on the forum, nor have we ever had those suspicions about our partners, this is not meant as a dig at your situation, what it does prove is that the mere fact you are posting this type of case, shows there is some degree of distrust.

Having someone in the Philippines such as a detective agency follow Mae and delve into her background is a non starter, since if you have to resort to that sort of action you might as well throw the towel in straight away, those who do this especially in Thailand always find out, the truth was clear to them if only they had checked out the tell tale signs, before spending their hard earned money to tell them what they already knew.

The red flag for me would have been the total lack of honesty about her being married, although she never said that she was married, any self respecting Filipina who is seeking a foreign boyfriend, would have been perfectly honest from the start, for one who is married under Philippine law, this represents aggravation all round for the foreigner suitor.

A second point is this, remembering the David Scott case, if this lady Mae is married, you might need to be careful about your involvement with her, its good that you are meeting her outside of the Philippines, where Filipino family code has no jurisdiction, the last thing you would want is for the husband to file a charge against you and she at the local police station, I would not wish you to have to end up in a stinking dirty Filipino hell hole pig cage.

With regards to the anulment, I would advise you as Ian Busby has done and one or two others, not to proceed with such an anulment, for one thing, what for ? why do you need to send money for an anulment at this stage ? its not your problem is it ? and you have not met Mae as yet, you are only to her an online lalaki, when you have met, and spent time together, you might decide then, if marriage is on the cards, if its not, and you decide it was not what you thought, then you have not wasted any of your hard earned money.

As for her comments to you, whispering sweet nothings, such as holding hands and going shopping, doing your laundry etc, I would take that a bit tongue in cheek if I were you, bola at the start of the Western-Filipino relationship is all very nice, and good fun, but when the real life begins, and these girls wise up after a year in UK, they soon don't love doing your laundry, holding hands shopping, the only time they hold your hand is when they are rushing into a designer shop to releive you of some of your hard earned money, forgive me for LOL, but dreaming of washing your boxer shorts and laying out your y fronts on the bed for you in the morning is not the job of the Filipino wife residing in UK, its more for the maid in the Philippines.

"She will soon not dream of doing your laundry trust me !"

As for your fear there is a boyfriend pulling the strings, what makes you think that ? thats a weird statement to make, since you have no evidence of this, its not uncommon actually, but one way or another they often get found out, I think you should stick with the advice, to go to the Philippines and first establish that she is married, one way you could do this, is ask her to obtain a coyp of the NSO Marriage contract when you arrive, then when you see sight of it, you can visit the lawyer with her, and find out the total cost yourself, and as for you sending the money to her, and a neighbour taking her to the lawyer, is a red flag, this indicates to me, she is being influenced by someone who has spun her a story that they can fix it all for her for a fee.

Remember, people in the Philippines are poor, they will come up with the most amazing ways of fixing things for people, invariably they have little influence, and project themselves in their own importance, the only person who suffers is you, when you are relieved of your hard earned money.

And why is their a need for you to cough up for a PC and webcam at home, restrain yourself, she can go to internet cafe, there are hundreds of them in Angeles city, she doesnt need to spend that sort of money, and in any event, thats not your job as yet.

My advice to you Ian, is to adopt a cautious approach, do a wait and see ! time is on your side, are you in a rush to settle this, you are meeting up with her in Thailand in August, proceed as planned, find out first if you actually like being with her, if so, you need to get into Philippines with her, find out the situation for yourself, and then make an informed judgement, that is not to say, that it might all turn sour anyway, but at least you can make the decisions based on the facts placed before you, and not feel rushed into making snap decisions.

Hope it goes well for you mate, Mae seems nice, but then again, I always say, you don't really get to know them until after you are living together as man and wife in a house, and by then, you married in haste, you can repent at leisure.

[IanB]

Thanks for the advice so far. Keep it coming folks.

If something does not seem kosha, then normally it isnt

I know for a fact that that statement is wrong! I know people who have felt their partner was not straight and she actually was. The fact is that sometimes things don't seem kosher but they are. sometimes things seem kosher but they aren't.

As for Mae being dishonest about being married - someone told her to do it. A few weeks later she plucked up the courage to tell me and fully expected me to dump her, as 90% of men problably would have done.

On the anullment, yes, I will wait a bit. But I have looked into it in great detail. We will not be paying all of the money up front. The lawyer is saying all the right things and being very honest as far as I can tell.

My previous marriage breakdowns were nothing to do with dishonesty or cheating. Just one of those things (or two). I really feel that Mae and I will be great together. But I am not blindly in love - just trying to be very very careful.

As for 15,000 pesetas. Her room rent is 4,000 and bills right now are pretty high, as you all know. She used to share bills with her cousin who went down to Manila to get a job.

All in all I feel I should not panic, just wait. However, I am in no hurry to rush out to the Philippines. Thailand in August will do nicely!

[ginapeterb]

Ian I get the general impression from your reply about my comments as above, that you are going to go full steam ahead with your quest regardless of what people think.

The fact of the matter is, you asked for other peoples opinions by putting your story on the net in public view of the whole world, then when given advice on the situation, you simply rebuttle the comments made, and give a counter view.

You have told us, you find it hard to trust your girlfriend, what are you actually looking for ?

You are now defending the actions of your girlfriend in being dishonest with you about her marital status, but there is no need to defend her to me or any one else here at this forum.

The fact of the matter is, you gave a rather long overview of your relationship with her, you then went on to seek responses from other members about what they thought, you also made it clear that if anyone told you to dump her, you would not listen.

Then in that case, what is your premise, what do you hope to achieve, if you are trolling here at this forum to create controversy because you are somehow bored at home tonight, and wish to take pleasure in rebuttling comments that I have made or others, it will become clear in the short term, and some of us here may decide not to bother replying.

You said my comments are wrong, and that you know this for a fact, there is little point in your generalizing, my statement is a fair one, if something does not seem right, then very often it is not, but then again, not in all cases, I think my opinion is very clear, you have then said you know it to be wrong.

Maybe in your experience it is, I am not generalizing, but only summizing, based on the story you have written.

You are the one who seems to have doubts, in fact if you read my post carefully I have sought to support you and lend a listening ear, whilst trying to offer you sound advice to continue and give the lady the benefit of the doubt, until such times as you have any evidence to the contrary.

But please, if you don't wish to receive contra opinons to yours, then don't post a story regarding your personal relationships on the forum, I wish you the very best in whatever you do.

[Sim11UK]

IanB you seem to have a problem with trust, full stop!
Why are you going to meet your girlfriend in Thailand? Surely, it would be much better to meet her, where she lives in the Philippines.
Meeting in Thailand, is going to leave you with even more anxieties, in the long run, as you wont get a feel of how & where she lives, the people she hangs out with, etc. etc...Doing this, may give you the answers you are looking for?
The only real way to find out, is to stop procrastinating & get out there!

Good luck!

[marylen]

hope you won't get offended NOR feel bad on what others point of view, they are just giving based on what you have written above. You are asking here for some thoughts, and we tried to help you weigh things up more....nobody not wants you to be together NOR to continue your relationship with Mae....generally we are just giving a clue and steps on how to clear up some things that you aren't sure as it seems you having a hard time and for all we thought that you need more clarification in everything but it seems not although you are the only one who can find out more but yea those words above mention helps you to determine and for you to decide what is best or not,,,whatever changes and circumstances arise its all down to you ,we are just giving the bright side ahead but not forcing you to believe us nor to follow what others advices in here... Who are we to dictate you what to do? We're nothing but just trying to help you weigh things and that if you are willing and accept whatever the thoughts and opinions of others, don't expect to always have a positive comments regarding to that matter as based on what you have said it seems something sounds fishy in there...........well again...........whatever others say...its only you who can benefits after all................so whats the point anyway for us to contradict your relationship with Mae or to advice you to say NO ....what we have said above is only based on what you have said as well. I guess you don't need anyone's advice here, the more we give the more it gets complicated ....well....at least try to hear out our side and respect a bit.......(we're not forcing to do those or do that......just hear out for you to weigh up...) we may get wrong but remember we just following you based on your own thoughts) ...but if you feel you know better and can decide on your own so whats the point of posting out here?

Even the title of your post caught up the attention of others (only two options to choose with either trust or not) don't expect that all will have the same opinions/ideas etc...we have our own realization........

[Peanutz]

Get a ticket fly to Phil, surprised her, get the answer for all your questions. It will only take you a week to clear your doubts . If you want to continue with this relation I think it is better to clear out your doubts right away.
You should take actions right away to see clear on where you are going and what you are doing...

[Sim11UK]

Get a ticket fly to Phil, surprised her, get the answer for all your questions. It will only take you a week to clear your doubts . If you want to continue with this relation I think it is better to clear out your doubts right away.
You should take actions right away to see clear on where you are going and what you are doing...

Absolutely

[IainBusby]

Ian, you still haven't made it clear whether you have actually met this girl in person or not!

If not, then you have not really developed a proper relationship with her yet and you will never know what she is really like until you do.

[kimmi]

Ian, you still haven't made it clear whether you have actually met this girl in person or not!

If not, then you have not really developed a proper relationship with her yet and you will never know what she is really like until you do.

He haven't met Mae personally..

and for me I think that is the best solution if he really wanted to know the truth..Go in the Philippines and meet her..

[aromulus]

I read, re-read, mulled over it, and after imagining a couple of scenarios about the situation I come to the same conclusion.

There are more red flags here than on Moscow red Square on the old May Military Parade.......

'nuff said.....

[Piamed]

Plenty of red flags for sure. I too believe you should go to da Phils and find out the situation first hand!

[KeithD]

...and don't tell anyone...just turn up....

[Banana]

I always look forward to IanB's latest angst and romantic turmoil. He has not disappointed.

For someone that has been through two Far Eastern wifes IanB would be considered an expert if he learnt from his past experiences.

Ian, whatever anybody posts on here in terms of advice to you, it will not make one blind bit of difference to what you will do. You are a serial fool. Apologies if you think "fool" is a strong term.

[Mrs.JMajor]

I always look forward to IanB's latest angst and romantic turmoil. He has not disappointed
Ian, whatever anybody posts on here in terms of advice to you, it will not make one blind bit of difference to what you will do. You are a serial fool. Apologies if you think "fool" is a strong term.

------------------ lol banana u make me laugh but.....but

u got it------

Ian i would say be smart enough

[sweet_cookie08]

hi IanB,

I read your long story.. oh, what can I say??? Sorry if I will be a blunt to you. You seems to be a "gullible" person. That's alarming! Based from your story, you haven't met the girl yet? wow! and you are supporting her every month with Php15,000? Lucky girl huh. I mean, why would you do that because you love her and you need to support her? but you haven't met yet right? This is clearly very alarming. And at the start of the relationship you have doubts already and don't really trust her, why would you still continue with the relationship? You are just exposing yourself to much more deeper pains. And you mentioned that she is a liar, and did not tell you that she's married and asking you to finance her annulment? my goodness! If there is already lies and trust issue in a relationship, why would you still continue it? There are still lots of Filipina girls around here that is trustworthy and who is not after your money. If you can, stop the relationship... or if you are ready to spend thousands of pounds and be sorry later, then its up to you .. Open your eyes and dont let your emotion fool you.

[joebloggs]

hi IanB,

I read your long story.. oh, what can I say??? Sorry if I will be a blunt to you. You seems to be a "gullible" person.

if he's gullible then i was , i sent a lot more than that for a lot longer, only crazy thing i did was marrying her

[Sim11UK]

Good advice sweet cookie08

[misscarie]

She was married, and her husband left her for another woman within a week or two of their marriage.

i heard that reason many times , correct me if im wrong , they always reason out about that theyre husband left me for other girl blah blah so they can bola foreigns and let them to fall in love with you. When they get ur attention , of course the drama begin.

I Salute all the filipino women who are true to theyre love one's im counted

hello mahal ko forgive me for being pasaway sometimes

[Mrs.JMajor]

guess he wont appear on this thread,kinatay niyo na siya

joke lol

[misscarie]

ate juliet , i hope he accept all the comments he wanted to hear in this forum watch out maybe bukas bibira yan ) lol

[aromulus]

You can take a horse to water, but you cannot make it drink it......

Yes, I do agree, take a trip overthere, but don't say anything, just appear in front of her.

I bet 5 quid she won't even recognize you....

Sorry about the low bet, but I don't want to take too much money out of you, with all the expenses and all.....

Good luck in whatever you decide to do.

[Mrs.JMajor]

give u some rep on that mod aromulus

[aromulus]

give u some rep on that mod aromulus

Salamat po......

[joebloggs]

You can take a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead

he needs to go and see her, simple as that, not everyone is a scammer,
everyone is different, i was chatting to the misses for near 3yrs b4 i went to see her,, we've been married near 6 yrs now ,

if i listened to people on here we would have never meet or got married... i understand that in many cases it will not work out for everyone on here as it has for us.. ,

just becuase he sent her money doesn't mean it will not work out or shes a scammer..

good luck ..

[Mrs.JMajor]

there is some point even he meet her,she can pretend joe 15 days isn't enough

to know the person well ,hmmm let see if this thread will end like daveuk (simon)

but your words is words of encouragement then......