Communication..advice please!

[linonat]

Hi good day to you all,
I have posted here once before. I will briefly explain my situation (sorry to those who know of it). I am a white British female (27) in a relationship with a filipino guy (31) who I met on a cruise ship. I was holidaying and he working. I have known him since just before xmas and have been out to see him twice since. We get on remarkably well.
However, I have a problem with the communication side of things as he refuses to use text messaging or email to keep in touch, preffering to call once or twice a week for an hour or so. This is great and i love hearing from him however he uses the excuse that he is 'too lazy' to text or email, as he does not get enough time, and also he is limited to money, as all his salary he sends home to the Philippines.
I also hasten to add he comes with baggage! He is married but currently separated (2 yrs ago) He has a daughter of 11. He is wanting an annulment but as everyone knows it is pricey and he can't at this stage afford anything near the fees.
He finishes his contract in September and he hopes to return to the Phils with the attention of successfully obtaining a working visa to the UK, so we can be together. ( but then after all he is married, so this proves another issue) If this fails, he plans to try Australia as he has a cousin there, I said i would folllow him.
My questions are:
Am I being too highly sensitive, demanding, dependant on him? By nagging him to sort out text messaging. He knows this is important to me as I miss him so much, and just a text a day or every other would go along way for me. Help to make me feel more secure and loved by him i guess!
I'm concerned I might be pushing him away as his calls are getting less and less frequent. I admit I am a nag!
Any advice would be greatly appreciated! Please help!
Thanks so much

[IainBusby]

Hi linonat,
Like most people on here, my experience is the other way round, i.e. British man, Filipina lady and when it comes to that kind of relationship, communication is usually on a daily basis with texts, phone calls and yahoo messenger chats with webcams.

The last option (Online Chat) is really the best one, because you can both see and here each other and you can save the chat logs as evidence to support any future visa application. There's no reason why he couldn't do that for you if he really cares for you, it only costs abou 20 pesos for an hour online in the Philippines.

Surely you must be worth at least that much to him!

Iain.

[aposhark]

Hi linonat,
A LOT of people still hate texting by phone. Me for one.
I really only do it from a QWERTY keyboard and PC if I can.
I will opt out of doing it with predictive text as much as possible.
I know other men who also hate texting.
I would allow him to have his idiosyncrasies and enjoy his chats with you
All the best
aposhark

[keithAngel]

I second that my daughters seem to be able to text whilst walking in the street and holding a conversation but I still loath it as a communication medium and recently pointed this out to my lady much to her suprise

[Mrs.JMajor]

Don't get offended on my reply , Ianbusy is very right.Just asking for text messages wouldn't mean you're asking too much,also don't trust too much that when he say separated for 2 years Oh please !!! old story and if he really loves you he will do things w/c makes u happy,

Wake up girl

[marylen]

hi linonat...same here i am a filipina successfully and happily married to a british man. As with regards with your communication, i do feel that something sounds fishy, communication is one of the KEY to achieve a long last relationship, it takes two to tango, you cant just do it by your own, sorry to say but i can feel that your bf lose interest on you or not interested as much as what you feel towards or lets say he doesn't feel much in love. ( sorry to be mean ) I am not surprise if hes ended to be like that( hes just one of a typical filipino guy)... Hell No. You are not of course try to be pushy NOR try to demand , you are just a normal kind of individual that have all the right to be mean so...........asking for a text or for an email is not kind of a demanding part for a girl...( it is definitely and absolutely right.) We girls wanted to feel the assurance even just through by that sort of communication but at least we can feel their presence from time to time. He doesn't need to wait you to ask .....he should do that without asking you for him to do so, he should do his part as a boyfriend and nothing else better than those.

Believe me linonat you are just doing the right thing, u tried hard to work things out , but unfortunately you can't do that alone, you need his cooperation to work things better....don't blame out yourself, pity yourself to do all those stuff, that kind of relationship is real hard to go on esp if your only relying on call once or twice a week for an hour or so..?( Oh my ! that is not enough.) hardly to survive. When it comes to LOVE there is really no excuses......you will absolutely try to find a way...........as what you said he has limited of money and all his money needs to send back home in phils.....? huh. damn..hard to believe....okay here we go........who among of us here have an abundance of cash anyway? .We are all limited to every part but we still keep to find a way..........so where are you on that part? cant he even just set aside a small amount in order to have a frequent communication? Or maybe he just wait for you to offer some help regarding with that?......oh gosh...what the heck ! (sorry am just looking forward the possibility) . So does he mean our husband here have an abundance of cash because we never failed to exchange text, email, call or whatever....? huh....

You are really a dear one.........a swetie lass...a very caring and wonderful person......you deserves all the happiness...............I will leave it all to you the judgement if he is really worth fighting for...based on other points of view here and to all the people who will help you to enlighten your way hope you can weigh things up more....in whatever decission you made............its only you who can benefit after all.. okay..Good Luck...

[Pepe n Pilar]

Hi Linonat, He told you that he is too lazy to text or e-mail you and he does not get enough time and limited to money..... all these are difficult to believe..... "if there is a will there is a way". Don't believe too easily. If he say that he is separated for 2 years you have to check on that first before pursuing your plans of being together with him. I know someone who is on the same nature of job as his but can afford to support his family of 4 so does he have a big family? He only has one kid and becoming short of finances!!!!...... If his calls are getting less and less frequent then .... think before you leap....
Best of luck

[bornatbirth]

isnt this macho philippino pride verse's a independant uk women?

i hate texting but my gf can text and and sleep at the same time!

for me chatting online with a cam is best.

are you really aware of his situation back in the philippines,life can be really hard for many there,maybe he as better things to spend is money its not a excuse but a reason why,but getting him to admit stuff to will be harder as hes the guy?

[aromulus]

It doesn't sound too good....

Not good at all........

It feels so bad that if I were you... I would have given him an ultimatum or dumped him.....

But I am not you.....

[aposhark]

It doesn't sound too good....

Not good at all........

It feels so bad that if I were you... I would have given him an ultimatum or dumped him.....

But I am not you.....

Normally I agree with Dom's point of view but not this time.

For example, I have an English friend who lives in USA. He was my best mate when we were both there together, we are still great friends.
He will never email OR text as (I think) he is not confident with his spelling and grammar. It wouldn't bother me in the slightest if he couldn't spell at all as long as he wrote......but he doesn't.
Yet he will phone twice a week and talk for hours.
Some people are like that.

Just my twopence worth

[Eljohno]

On the one hand a bit surprising considering how much Filipinos love to text but then again i am sure its not costing him 1 pesos per text and also with being at sea he probably will not always have a signal.

You need to make sure that you 100% love him as its a long expensive process because he is still married!!

[linonat]

I'd just like to say thank you so so much for the responses i've had so far( especially to Marylens lengthy reply) I really have been tearing my hair out over this! I'm also allowing it to control my every thought. To the point i can't concentrate at work! It's like i'm waiting at the end of the phone 24/7 for his call. He use to call from the ship which meant it could be anytime, but now as it is cheaper for him he calls off ship and its normally on a sunday. He never gives me a day or time...which leaves me to just wait...and one in these circumstances has to have great patience of which I have zero!! The worst thing is when he finally does call... i just have a go at him and we then both end up being upset. Perhaps thats why the calls are becoming less frequent has he knows just to expect a row! :(
I really hate the thought, as a few of you suggest, as to the idea of him still being together with his wife. It has run through my head on several occasions. But truly i don't think he's one to lie. This is his 9th year working at sea. He is really unhappy back home in the PI's, many family and money issues he says. Thats why he is hoping to not be back there long and hoping to seek work possibly through an agency. Still I question where that leaves us for the future? As he is still married.
Maybe i am just being exceedingly gullible, naive and ignorant. I hope i'm not. I have really fallen for this guy, and the sad thing is the meaner and harder he treats me the more i come running! why? i ask myself....arrrgggh
I confess I do have insecurities and jealous tendancies ( but who doesn't) and I see the way he 'flirts' (even the word used my him) with other passengers...he says in order to get tips! I'd like to say I trust him but we never can tell, maybe thats where I go wrong, cuz i'm too untrusting, and they smell this from a mile off and don't want the jealous, insecure and dependant g/friend.
Guys, what do you think the chances of him getting to the UK are? He would have brilliant references and has numerous stamps in his passport, incredible english, strong work ethic. Surely, this is seen as an advantage. I guess too he doesn't have much of an option as to what visa he can choose. It would be working or visit i guess. Fiance/spouse visa!!..haha i don't think so. I like to dream.
Wow..i do pick um!!

p.s sorry for the bitty msg

[aromulus]

Normally I agree with Dom's point of view but not this time.
Just my twopence worth

It is ok, mate, don't worry.

One of the reasons I was so dismissive is that I used to work on ships for many years and believe me passenger-crew relationships don't work.

Crew-crew, yes, I have seen a few marriages in the past. And as I keep in touch from time to time, they seem to be getting on, albeit on land....

Passenger-passenger... I witnessed many getting together, but I cannot say wether the unions lasted or not.

The crew member will always want to go back to sea, one way or the other, it is not just the money, it is the traveling the world, it is the way of life, the camaraderie, the berd pulling on board, the craic.........
My ex hated it.

I wish the lady all the best of luck in the world, but in my sincerest opinion, she is wasting her time.

[linonat]

Your honesty is appreciated thankyou Aromulus. I'm certainly gonna give it my best shot!

[aposhark]

It is ok, mate, don't worry.

One of the reasons I was so dismissive is that I used to work on ships for many years and believe me passenger-crew relationships don't work.

Crew-crew, yes, I have seen a few marriages in the past. And as I keep in touch from time to time, they seem to be getting on, albeit on land....

Passenger-passenger... I witnessed many getting together, but I cannot say wether the unions lasted or not.

The crew member will always want to go back to sea, one way or the other, it is not just the money, it is the traveling the world, it is the way of life, the camaraderie, the berd pulling on board, the craic.........
My ex hated it.

I wish the lady all the best of luck in the world, but in my sincerest opinion, she is wasting her time.

Fair do's Dom.
That's a very good point. I suppose I was trying to be supportive and "look on the bright side of life"
At least they are chatting on the phone
I hope for the lady's sake that things work out

[linonat]

Bless you, thankyou Aposhark! Appreciate your support and looking on the bright side for me..

[aromulus]

At least they are chatting on the phone

On his terms.....

[linonat]

Just thought i'd let you know that we are over. He ended it with me about 2hrs ago. I'm absolutely beside myself. I know feel that what we had and what he said to me were lies. He says he was trying to be respectful by the right thing and saving me from the agony i'm going through.
He is getting enormous pressure from his family back home for money and his village has suffered quite badly from the recent typoon, no electricity, rice, fresh water etc. So he is having to send every penny he has to them. He spoke with his daughter, aged 11, a few days ago and that made him realise that his family really need him there. So therefore, after his contract is up in sept he will fly back there are try to find work. Maybe i am being really selfish with my thoughts and i understand he has a lot on his plate at the mo, his two closest friends have left the ship and he feels really alone.
I can't help but think he reluctantly finished it with me to save my feelings and like he always said he can't promise me too much.
I would have given him anything and done everything in my power to get him here to the UK, that was his dream and I was always there to help him pursue it.
Am I wrong to have told him to not contact me again? He asked if we could still be friends, he still wants me in his life and he would like to still call, but i said No. We will now cut all ties. I cannot describe how gutted I am. I truly loved him and really believed we had a future together, tho people warned me that I would always be second best. Perhaps he just thought I was too high maintenance or needy?..awh i don't know?
I believe he's maybe going through a crisis, i refuse to believe that the time we shared was nothing. He described us as soul mates, almost like we were destined to meet each other, we spoke about the future and having a family and where we'd live- i have no doubt in my mind he loved me and he says he still does but its because of the circumstances that he can't continue this.

Any thoughts, advice would be very much appreciated. Thanks x

[Piamed]

Sorry about your news. It does though appear that he was straight with you from the get go. If you have read much on this forum deep inside you will not be too surprised by his ultimate decision.

Regarding keeping in touch now that the relationship is over, only you can decide. Can you cope with being in touch with the one you love knowing that you can never be? Based on what you've posted recently, I suspect not. You require more than he can give.

Are there good reasons to maintain contact? Would doing so hold you back and prevent you from moving on? Is it also fair to him and his family? Only you know.

Good luck!

[Sim11UK]

I'm sorry to hear this too.
You were in an awkward situation from the start, with him being married & having a family... Maybe it would have run it's course anyway, even if he was single, who knows?
All these long distance relationships, are so hard at times, I guess we're all familiar with this?
In the long run, you have done the right thing, you are best not to keep in contact, however hard this is, though I'm sure your heart is telling you what if?...
You need your own friends & family now & a bit of time, to help you back to your normal self.

Whatever you decide to do, I wish you all the best, in the future!

[linonat]

Thank you for your kind words. Your right, it was a difficult one from the start and it was wrong of me to expect him to commit to me when he has so much other stuff going on. I fell for him in a big way and he said he did with me, but its the circumstances that prohibit us being together. Your right..i do keep thinking what if...? Even contemplated taking aholiday on the ship to see him just before we had the talk today and even for so long has been pestering me to apply for a job on the same ship so we can work and be together, so I did send a number of apps, but to date heard nothing. Perhaps this is an omen!
Thanks for your warm thoughts and wishes...feel like my heart has been wrenched out.