Having read all about it on here I am just looking forward to getting it over with my humour is only matched by my obstinancyOriginally Posted by aromulus
I do admit your sense of humour is really good....
That is a sure recipe for family strife and grudges....
My two peso worth....As my grandad once said "you can only spend it once"
tell your family to go to the cinema and watch the film out now called caregiver.
it si about two philippinos who go abroad to work end up starting relationship and discover how hard it is to be abroad.
it might give them an insight into the fact that money does not fall from the sky.
most of my philippine friends here who have seen it say it is very good for showing it is not easy abroad.
just saw the trailer looks very good
Best of BritishFascinating speaking as one about to enter the "fray" it is not my intention to support any thing which does not foster a move towards self sufficiency and sustainability and i intend to move towards this by peer pressure by encouraging
the family to decide who gets access to the investment capital.
My hope is that pressure not to pss it away will come from prospective benifittees and if the family having decided to blow it want more they can earn it themselves I will keep you posted
We have opposite problem tish. I have never been asked about money by my family, BUT I have guilt feeling towards my brother who helped me in my college years. He's in Saudi for 25 years and he's got heart desease. I offered help to him many times but never accepted my offer. He said he can still work. That made my heart broken, that makes me feel cry
He has already 7 door apartment, 2 houses, 1 vacant lot, eldest is Registered nurse already but his wife asking for more
. I really feel worry for him, I do call him oftentimes begging to go home but to no avail
I do send money to my Mom and if I have no job, it is my husband who send to my Mom, that is his promise to my Mom before.
Anyway we must not give fish but must help them to catch fish if needed as we have our own priorities in life.
God Bless!
Ungrateful so called family in Philippines!!
I must admit that this is one of our (wife & self) concerns about retiring in the Philippines. Its bad enough on a holiday when distant relatives come out of the woodwork wanting a handout PLUS the expectations of closer family. Talking to many expats, its a common concern / problem. Best advice would seem to be:Fascinating speaking as one about to enter the "fray" it is not my intention to support any thing which does not foster a move towards self sufficiency and sustainability and i intend to move towards this by peer pressure by encouraging
the family to decide who gets access to the investment capital.
My hope is that pressure not to p
* give / lend only what you can afford to lose and do not expect any of it back ever!
* as Keith says fund self sufficiency;
* give to only close family members;
* give once and once only with the sole exception of genuine medical emergencies.
I might also add:
* do not startup a business in the Philippines either by yourself or in partnership;
* do not get involved in any land / property arrangements / deals with family;
* do not let family look after / use your Philippine house when you are back in the UK / abroad.
I've probably heard enough horror stories to write a book!
Hope this helps,
Nigel
The best thing to do is build a nipa hut if in the province or the very basic house like a match box then ask them if they want to live there free of charge.They just have to feed themselves. Just tell them to maintain the premises.
Just give all relatives one of those multi-devices. You know the one, can colect water, be used as a shower, storage, even used as a toilet......and many more things.....they'll be made up......
....we call them buckets here......
Keith - Administrator
I'd never take out a loan to give someone else money. If I ain't got it, they ain't gettin it!
Keith - Administrator
i agreeI'd never take out a loan to give someone else money. If I ain't got it, they ain't gettin it!
I think being too giving at the start when you move abroad is not a wise thing as this then is expected to be the normal thing.
Your husband & children in the UK need to be first and then of course help the family in the Philippines. I mean Mother, father, brothers & sisters and only if you can afford it then the extended family.
I agree with what Keith said only send what you can and do not borrow like it showed recently with a filipino in the UK who went bankrupt because of always trying to help her family in the Philippines.
Pete has been around long enough to know how it works(not saying you are old mate) and the truth is that its getting much harder in the UK and less money to spend or send is available.
i know its very hard to be with filipino family but i think its ur wife has to deal with it...my husband always tell me if i want to send some money and i always say no..coz i already provide them something to make them occupied and business and i tell them to look after it ....the onlything that my family keep asking me is to call them everynow and then just to hear and talk my daugther not me bytheway.....and not to much to ask i think...gudluck to all married one whose still dealing with the family matters in the P.I.
Being a single and working here in UK (caregiver) I worked so hard in 12hrs/day sometimes 6 days/week with just one day-off instead of usuall 3 days off
My family back home have a MAID who do house works for themand me here Im doing everything on my own and don't even have a time for my self most of the time. For sure you think I spoiled my family in the Phils (in a way you are right) but of course I save money for my self as well which I don't tell or discuss with them. Its hard to digest the guilt you have if you don't help them so here I am a loving daughter, sister and auntie
Surely there is something wrong with sending them so much money they can afford a maid - making them think you are rich, i see more trouble ahead!!
I wholly agree with the sentiment of not helping too much early on. It definately builds up expectations. The problem is that many Filipinos have little sense of tomorrow, nor much business sense. Anyone newly into a relationship and contemplating how to "help" will do well to heed all this advice. I have made many mistakes and was far to generous to begin with, motivated by good intentions that ultimately did them no favours. I bought "the family" two houses, two jeeps, a workshop and a sari sari store. Well actually I loaned my wife the money to do it, the deal being that she would pay it back from her earnings over the years, but that I would finance it now rather than make them wait as her parents are getting old. The idea was to set them up, and then make them self sufficient by giving them all enough work. Then we could relax, live our lives and visit without pressure. Fat chance! Every time there is a problem, big or small, it arrives at our door. The businesses have all failed. the jeeps are on standby and only used as "service" for the family because they did not save to renew the licences, the workshop has closed because one of the brothers sold all the equipment and so has the store because they ate all the stock. No planning at all, no saving for tomorrow. Whenever anything is needed we get a text. It seems we have supported not only the direct family but the whole extended family, whose numbers must run into hundreds. Add to them the local church who sponge of them whenever they can and the parents mentality of sharing "blessings" and it becomes easier to see why it has happened. My wife is now married to a rich white guy and it is her duty just to give whenever they ask. We have held many family meetings when I have explained what I have done, why and what I expect from them. They all say OK and when we have gone nothing changes. We have tried not sending money, but they just build up debts with us as their only way to clear them. We are making some slow progress now and in the future, when we live partly in Cebu ( we chose Cebu over Bohol where the family live deliberately to be close enough to visit but not right on top) my wife will take over the management of each business and control what is done. It is a constant fight because they lack a manager and are always having petty disputes. With hindsight I may have been better providing several nippa huts, rather than the two houses we bought (one brand new and costing several million) and putting the balance on deposit in the Philippines, probably in one of the high yielding rural bank deposit schemes. Then they could be given the interest each month to live on. I have heard similar stories to mine often enough to know this is not an uncommon problem so pleased be warned.
This story is very similar to mine David, but I haven't gone as far as your spendingAnd I think I've got a good business mind; It's a shame that my family doesn't
or they would have been a lot better off now!
Jet family must be going against the grain somewhere.....
After the wedding, I bought the father a new 15HP engine for the fishing pumboat, as the old one had been re-bored several times and was dangerous to use.
He didn't ask for it, I just did it because i felt I wanted to help in some way.
A few months ago, they changed the fishing regulations around Cebu, so there was no chance for them to travel and fish outside their immediate area, which is Talisay....
Apart from the very poor fishing, he had one of his 2 boats, confiscated for straying over one of the invisible borders....
So before something nasty happened to the other one, he asked for my permission to sell the engine.
I told him that it was not my engine, as his name was on the bill of sale, and that it belonged to him....
Yesterday Jet informed me, that with the 20k, he received for the engine, he has had a well dug in the back garden,and got loads of fresh water, thus making everybody around there and his Mrs quie jealous, so they don't need to buy those big bottles anymore.
Also they finally have running water in the toilet/shower house that Jet has had built before she arrived here....
And as a bonus he will build a couple of washing tanks, and charge the neighbours for washing their clothes there....
Very neat trick, I thought....
Canna grumble.....
technically i have divorced my family back home, they were all about money, they cant text or send us bday cards but they texts if the money we sent ran out! we send them £450 a month but they couldnt survive on that and need more :o! after 16 years of sending money back home i thought it is about time i put my family here first, life has certainly improved for us with £450 a month extra to spend the joy of shopping has been rediscovered!I can't believe how ungrateful my family are in Cebu!! You do what you can for them, and still not enough! Now I feel like divorcing them all (wishful thinking!!)
Just letting off steam folks
Always best to just send random payments, that way no one gets in a habit.
Keith - Administrator
Just an update on my story. Since writing my last piece there has been another "crisis" which involved a niece requiring hospital treatment. After resisiting for as long as possible my wife gave way to the moral blackmail and sent the money. Later we found that her sister had used a private room in a private hospital, rather than go to the much cheaper public one. Why? Because we would pay! When they "needed" the money we got texts from everyone, several every day. Since it was sent not one. No thank you of any sort. I do my best to try to understand but sometimes it is hard.
If my family were like that...the more Im not going to help them.
Everyone seems to be bitching on about their poorer families, as if it is a peculiar problem to the phillipines and it's emigrants who have left. It isn't. I saw exactly the same sort of thing happen when my parents left Italy, in the 60s and did well in the UK.
I think it is in the nature of humanity that when a member of any extended family leaves a country amidst poverty to do better to a far away place that those left behind will expecting support in some ways. Regardless of the fact that the richer country they go to, might leave them economically not that much better off in reality. Peoples perceptions are easily skewed. Also factually, the average filipino is a lot poorer than the average westerner.
How you deal with it, is your own prerogative, though I find it a bit unsettling that the general tone of the posts is that filipino's are feckless, disorganised, lazy, useless etc. I m sure you can say the same about individuals in any country but I think it is a bit much to label the whole country as such.
I m with the random acts of kindess poster though, tough as it might be, certain regular payments will always be taken as a given and worked into peoples budgets whoever they are.
If I knew for example I was getting £10000 a month in perpetuity, I know the way I worked would change to compensate for the fact, (i.e. less). It's just natural human behaviour, it doesnt matter who is giving and who is receiving really.
I am NOt suggesting it is only in the Philippines. It is however the only place I have any direct experience with so the only place I can comment upon. Nor do I suggest that everyone is the same, in fact I know many who are far from feckless and lazy. I admire those who struggle against their adversity and ask for nothing. Nor do I feel it is their fault. It is a cultural thing and an unhealthy one at that. I have tried to change the attitude within my wife's family because I truly believe that giving them the chance to be self sufficient is a better option. I have failed totally. Of course we want to help, we both understand their situation very well, but we would like them to want to help themselves too, but so often all they want is to deal with today's problem and leave tomorrow to fate. Or, more usually, to us. If someone gave me £10,000 a month in perpetuity I hope I would not change anything I do. I hope I would try to use the money wisely to ensure a better future for those I love.
Hear Hear David you wouldn't find me retiring to some beach-side property Golf in the mornings , liquid lunches , tiffen and evening poolside BBQs how boring would that be.
Hear Hear David you wouldn't find me retiring to some beach-side property Golf in the mornings , liquid lunches , tiffen and evening poolside BBQs how boring would that be.Very actually if you do it every day!!
Keith - Administrator
Do I detect the heavy smell of sarcasm? As I am planning to retire quite soon to a beach side property, play a little golf and enjoy some barbecues I find this comment pretty amusing! However, in my defence I would say I have earned the right to do this. No-one has given me a damed thing.
Hear Hear David you wouldn't find me retiring to some beach-side property Golf in the mornings , liquid lunches , tiffen and evening poolside BBQs how boring would that be.
Unfortunately, I owe, I owe, so it's off to work I go! for another 20 years!
Be responsible with little so that you can be trusted with much!!
_____________________
I can't believe how ungrateful my family are in Cebu!! You do what you can for them, and still not enough! Now I feel like divorcing them all (wishful thinking!!)
Just letting off steam folks
over the years, i've seen my busting her ass off to provide everything to her huge family back home, it makes me mad that most of them got lazy, didnt work anymore, my mum paid degrees to my cousins and they just seat around all day, after graduating waiting for their pocket money...
in the other hand, all that money could've made my life a lot easier to me, who is her only daughter and live in the same country as her, while in Uni...
TRUTH IS: THEY WILL NEVER APPRECIATE IT WASNT THEM WHO EARNED THE MONEY AND WERE NEVER HERE TO SEE HOW IT FEELS LIKE!!
dont get me wrong, i love them very much, and i do agree with my mum helping them to a certain extend... but they just get lazy and take it for granted!
opss => "I've seen my MUM bursting ...."
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