funny

[scotsfiancee]

The Manager

Roma, 3 April 1995

Y.M.C.A. Hotel



Dear Signore Direttore,



I am tella you story how I was treated at your
hotella. I am a comma from Roma as tourist to London
and stay as younga Christian man in your hotella.



When I comma in my room I see there is no **** in my
bed - how can I sleep with no **** in my bed? So I
called down to receptione and tella: I wanna ****"!
They tella me "Go to toilet". " No, no I wanna **** in
my bed". They say "You better not **** in your bed,
you sonnawabitch!" What is a sonnawabitch?



I go down for breakfast into ristorante. I order bacon
and eggs and two pissis of toast. I getta only one
piss of toast. I tella waitress and pointa of toast:
"I wanna piss"! She tells me: "Go to toilet". I say:
"No no I wanna piss on my plate". She say than to me:
"You bloody hella not piss on the plate, you
sonnawabitch"! Second person who do not even know me,
calla me sonnawabitch! What is a sonnawabitch?



Later I go for dinner in your ristorante. Spoon and
knife is laid out, but no fock. I tella waitress: "I
wanna fock". And she tella me: Sure, everyone wanna
fock!" I tella her: "No, no. You don't understand me.
I wanna fock on the table". She tella me: "So you
sonnawabitch wanna fock on the table? Get your ass out
of here!".



So I go to receptione and ask for bill. I wanna stay
in this hotella no more. When I have paid the billa,
the portier say to me: "Thank you, and peace on you".
I say: "Piss on you too, you sonnawabitch! I go back
to Italy! I never more comma stay your hotella no
more, you sonnawabitch"!



Sincerely

Enrico Morelli

[IMONNA]

Poor guy!!! He must polish up on his English

[scotsfiancee]

Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?".
Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?".
Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".
Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ +++++++++++++++++++
Samsung Electronics
Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about".
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".
----------------------------------------------------------------------
RAC Motoring Services
Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia?"
Operator: " Doesn't the product give you a clue?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France):
"If I register my car in France, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Directory Enquiries
Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please".
Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?"
Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off".
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland".
----------------------------------------------------------------------
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:

"I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on".
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".
Customer: "OK".
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?".
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?".

Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'".
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see =
the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?".
----------------------------------------------------------------------
There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause".

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
Operator: "Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared."
Operator: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Operator: "Nothing??"
Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
Caller: "How do I tell?"
Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"
Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
Caller: "What's a monitor?"
Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"
Caller: "I don't know."
Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
Caller: "Yes, I think so."
Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.

Caller: "Yes, it is."
Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
Caller: "Okay, here it is."
Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
Caller: "I can't reach."
Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"
Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
Operator: "Dark??"
Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window." Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller: "I can't."
Operator: "No? Why not??"
Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
Operator: "A power...................................... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??"
Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"
Operator: "Tell them you're too f*%king stupid to own a computer!!!!!"

[scotsfiancee]

Funny!

I was glancing over the front page of the Post Gazette the other day and saw that Alf Landon (Franklin Roosevelt's opponent in the 1936 election) had died at age 100. It reminded me of this story that FDR supposedly liked to tell.

There was a man who, everyday, would buy a newspaper on the way to work, glance at the headline, and hand it back to the newsboy. Day after day the man would go through this routine. Finally the newsboy could not stand it and he asked the man, "Why do you always buy a paper and only look at the front page before discarding it?"

The man replied, "I am only interested in the obituaries."

"But they are on page 21. You never even unfold the newspaper."

"Young man," he said, "the son of a bitch I'm looking for will be on the front page."

[ivor&mel]

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):

I recommend a browse around snopes

[scotsfiancee]

On a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the
> middle of nowhere, the
> >following people were stranded:
> >
> >
> >
> >Two Italian men and one Italian woman
> >Two French men and one French woman
> >Two German men and one German woman
> >Two Greek men and one Greek woman
> >Two English men and one English woman
> >Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman
> >Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman
> >Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman
> >Two Irish men and one Irish woman
> >Two American men and one American woman
> >
> >One month later, on these absolutely stunning
> deserted islands in the
> >middle of nowhere, the following things have
> occurred:
> >
> >One Italian man killed the other Italian man for
> the Italian woman.
> >
> >The two French men and the French woman are living
> happily together in
> >ménage a trois.
> >
> >The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of
> alternating visits with
> >the German woman.
> >
> >The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and
> the Greek woman is
> >cleaning and cooking for them.
> >
> >The two English men are waiting for someone to
> introduce them to the
> >English woman.
> >
> >The two Bulgarian men took one look at the
> Bulgarian woman and started
> >swimming to another island.
> >
> >The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting
> instructions.
> >
> >The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy/liquor
> store/restaurant/laundry,
> >and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to
> supply employees for their
> >store.
> >
> >The two Irish men divided the island into North and
> South and set up a
> >distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the
> picture because it gets
> >somewhat foggy after a few liters of coconut
> whiskey. However, they're
> >satisfied because the English aren't having any
> fun.
> >
> >The two American men are contemplating suicide,
> because the American  woman
> >will not shut up and complains relentlessly about
> her body, the true nature
> >of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how
> she can do anything
> >they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the
> equal division of household
> >chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat,
> how her last boyfriend
> >respected her opinion and treated her nicer than
> they do, and how her
> >relationship with her mother is the root cause of
> all her problems, and why
> >didn't they bring a damned cell phone, so they
> could call 911 and get them
> >all rescued off this god-forsaken deserted island
> in the middle of freaking
> >nowhere, so she can get her nails done and go
> shopping!

[scotsfiancee]

Magic sandals


This married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the marketplace looking at goods and such,
when they passed this small sandal shop.



From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say...

You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop." So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them....
“I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex."



Well, the wife is interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them,
being the sex god that he was. The husband asked the man....



"How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"



The Jamaican replied.... "Just try dem on, mon."



Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto
his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years!!





In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over the table, yanked down his pants,
ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.



The Jamaican then began screaming..... "YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET, MON!!!!!!!"