Anyone does experience Domestic Abuse? Needed Help please

[lovely12]

Hi everyone

I married to a british man , we have a child, my husband is the bilogical father.I live here now for almost a year now. Since I came here, my husband changed his attitude towards me.He is so nice guy before we get married.He is nice person but when he have his temper he seems like different person. He do swear to me, shouting at me and asking me and grabbing me out to leave the flat..Is this consider as Domestic Abuse?

at the moment Im staying at my friends house,I dont know really what to do, where to go.My friend cant support me and the baby's need. My husband didndt support us . I dont know if our relationship will work out fine if im gonna come back with him. Im just afraid that it might get even worst.

What Im gonna do? I am still on spouse visa, visa will expire next year.Am I still entitle for ILR if it happen that we will separate and asking the social services help to support me and baby? My passport say Im not entitle to recourse to any public funds., will this affect my application for ILR? Am I going to sent home if the home office know that I am seperate for my husband and claim help from Social Services?

Any advice and help is much appreciated ..Thank you

[grahamw48]

I'm very sorry to hear about your situation.

There is a free phone line you can use to get advice, or just to talk to someone experienced in such things. (There doesn't need to have been actual physical violence involved).

Here is the website:

http://www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk/if-you-are-a-woman-experiencing-domestic-violence.aspx

Your other questions I can't really help with, but you are NOT alone and there IS lots of free help available to you and your baby...no matter what your immigration status.

Ingat. :xxgrinning--00xx3:

[Terpe]

This is just unacceptable and you must not accept this.

All married couple have 'ups and down' and all married couple have arguments. Sometimes strong arguments but when you are so frightened for yourself and you baby that you feel you must leave the marital home then the limit is passed.
This is only my personal opinion but if a person behaves so badly in that way then that is their nature and it's unlikely to change. Only to repeat.
You need to also to think about the impacts on the child even so young.

The advice of Graham is excellent.

Also please do take a look at this UKBA webpage called Victims of domestic violence (http://www.ukba.homeoffice.gov.uk/visas-immigration/while-in-uk/domesticviolence)

It explains how to apply for permission to settle permanently in the UK (known as 'indefinite leave to remain') if you are a victim of domestic violence and how to notify UKBA if you need to access public funds. It also provides contact details for organisations offering support and advice to victims.

Don't be shy to ask questions here.

You will find heartfelt support and advice.

Stay strong.

[Steve.r]

I am so sorry to hear this terrible news Lovely.

The advice given above will help you with the immigration areas and give you advice on where you stand legally if you are being abused.
Coming here I am sure you will find many friends who will keep you strong when you feel low, do not suffer alone when you can talk things over with people who care. Just look after yourself and your baby and don't put yourself in any danger.

take care ok

[joebloggs]

also your local law centre might be able to help you with free legal advice.
http://www.lawcentres.org.uk/lawcentres/detail/find/

as you have a British child it makes it more difficult for the government to deport you, as they have to take account of 'the best interests of the child'

[Arthur Little]

:sorry-2: too, to read of your situation. Abuse - physical or mental - is inexcusable in ANY circumstances, and ought NEVER to be tolerated. Unfortunately, Domestic Violence tends to spiral and become all the more insidious, due to the fact that it occurs "behind closed doors" ... where, it goes without saying, one has the unequivocal RIGHT to feel at one's safest!

Thankfully, you've had the presence of mind to realise ENOUGH is ENOUGH by confiding in us - rather than go on suffering in silence. Consequently, it is my pleasure to :welcomex: you to this friendly, site ... where you can fully rely on members' helpful and supportive encouragement. :xxgrinning--00xx3:

[CBM]

Good for you for being brave enough to post here.

Yes, it is abuse. Once a man starts to abuse a woman, he always gets worse; he can never stop himself. The only safe thing to do is to get out.

You can remain here, as Graham and Terpe have already explained, and you can get help.

[toughgirl]

My husband would yell at me or cuss me out when we argue especially when he's had too much to drink. He'd say I'm worthless and stupid. He'd tell me to shut up when I try to reason out. There was a time when he grabbed my glasses and threw it on the street. I literally had to bend and feel the ground for my glasses since it was dark and and I couldn't see clearly (my eye sight is terrible with a grade of 450 both eyes). He'd push me sometimes.

But when he wakes up the next day, he'd say he's sorry and that he didn't mean it but it happens again when he's drunk or mad.

Earlier, he didn't want me to go out with my friends just because he doesn't want me to so I complied just to avoid conflict but when I was the one to tell him to be home by 10 PM, he refused.

I love him, I really do, but sometimes it's difficult. I don't know what to think anymore. We have a son, by the way. I have nobody to talk to about it. Sometimes, I feel like there's a problem with me because he says that I should change and that I'm his problem and that I give him a headache and that I'm a pain in the a**.

[CBM]

You have a problem; it seems like your husband wants you to adjust to him but he doesn't want to understand that his family is half Filipino.

Can you persuade your husband to go to Relate with you?

[Terpe]

From what you've divulged it seems your husband may have an alcohol problem also.
Need to be careful with that one.

[toughgirl]

You have a problem; it seems like your husband wants you to adjust to him but he doesn't want to understand that his family is half Filipino.

Can you persuade your husband to go to Relate with you?


I forgot to mention he's half Filipino. Borne and raised in the Philippines and arrived in the UK 5 years ago.

I do tell him that we should compromise all the time but it's no use. He always wants things his way.

[lovely12]

Thanks for the reply in my thread. just want to ask a question , let say we will just going to separate but not divorce yet ,and I do full time job and I will not going to recourse to public fund, is there any chance for me to have an ILR when my visa expire?

[bikeinbatangas]

@toughgirl, he sounds exactly like my ex gf, selfish and controlling and worst of all, aggressive :crazy: don't waste waste time, get rid of him . i kept giving my ex another chance, i made allowances for her, and all i did was dig a bigger hole for myself. save yourself more unhappiness, find a way out of the relationship. life is too short for spending it with a :censored:

[London_Manila]

Thanks for the reply in my thread. just want to ask a question , let say we will just going to separate but not divorce yet ,and I do full time job and I will not going to recourse to public fund, is there any chance for me to have an ILR when my visa expire?

To get your IlR you will have to prove to immigration that you are still with him

Normally you have to send both passports to luner house to prove that the relationship is still ongoing

If you separate with him then i doubt that you will get any help from him in the future

Sounds like he has a problem with alcohol and he needs to attend alcoholics anonymous
Things will not improve for you at home until he stops drinking

[bigmarco]

Hi Lovely and welcome to the forum.
So sorry to read your post but glad to see you have already received some good advice.
You must really understand that things will not improve with your husband and if anything will only get worse.
Time to think about whats really best for you and more importantly your child.
I sincerely wish you all the very best for the future in whatever path you take.

[Terpe]

lovely12,

Please do follow the UKBA link and advice I posted for you here:-

.........please do take a look at this UKBA webpage called Victims of domestic violence (http://www.ukba.homeoffice.gov.uk/visas-immigration/while-in-uk/domesticviolence)

It explains how to apply for permission to settle permanently in the UK (known as 'indefinite leave to remain') if you are a victim of domestic violence and how to notify UKBA if you need to access public funds. It also provides contact details for organisations offering support and advice to victims.........

From the information you have given you have a very strong case to legally secure ILR and also be granted special case to have access to support from public funds. To achieve this you must engage with UKBA.

If you prefer you could arrange a free consulation with an experienced approved immigration advisor.

[malditako]

strongly agree with terpe.

with you case you are likely can secure an ILR without depending to your husband. as some others have said you can call anti-domestic violence group. They would help you in any ways. Hope things would get better for you and your child. all the best

[joebloggs]

you will need evidence of domestic violence, so toughgirl and lovely12 collect what you can, maybe you will need that evidence oneday :NoNo:

[CBM]

There's some really good, considered, expert advice in the last posts here.

[lovely12]

you will need evidence of domestic violence, so toughgirl and lovely12 collect what you can, maybe you will need that evidence oneday :NoNo:



Thank you for your support and advice guys..If I will take it in the court,Can I use evidence to the court the appointment to the Doctor of the bruise in my arm 2 days after he grab me to get out of the flat.?But the problem is I didnt told the Doctor that my husband grab my arm, I just told the Doctor its naturally come out, its maybe in my hormonal imbalance thats why I had a blood test and it found out its above normal so have repeat it again this month to check if Im still above nomal. My health is already affected by what he is doing to me, I get depressed, upset and cant eat and sleep well. My attitude towards our baby is affected as well, I already easily irritable if he get nasty with me..

[grahamw48]

I would worry less about court cases at this stage and more about getting away from your current situation, so that you can at least be at peace and enjoying being a mother.

You should also be considering what is more important to you...getting ILR for this country, or the welfare of yourself and in particular, your child. :)

[gWaPito]

I would worry less about court cases at this stage and more about getting away from your current situation, so that you can at least be at peace and enjoying being a mother.

You should also be considering what is more important to you...getting ILR for this country, or the welfare of yourself and in particular, your child. :)

My sentiments exactly..we had a thread like this a couple of years back when the woman in question was debating about her ilr while getting battered at home...really somethings are less important...in this case the ilr....for Goodness sake put yourself and childs welfare first not a piece of paper.

Good luck

[Jack1969_uk]

To make sure he stays away apply for Non Molestation order through a solicitor and you can then use this as evidence,explain whats been happening to a solicitor at this stage it may not need to go to court but will make hime realise what he is doing is very wrong.
Try to instill all the love you have into your child forget abt him and please try to be le,ss irritable with the little one at the end of the day he was born out of love its no fault of the child that things turned out this way

[lovely12]

I am currently away now with my husband. One of the non-domestic abuse aid is helping me and our baby to sort out my ILR. They already get solicitor for me. The homeoffice knew already my situation and gave me temporary residence thats why I can access funds for limited period of 3 months only. Im still waiting for the appointment to my solicitor because I have to submit application within 3 months for permanent residency for my own right. I have to prove to the home office that it is really domestic violence , I already gave statement to the police and they already arrested my husband. Can I use the medical appointment to the Doctor 2 days after when the time my husband hurt me in the court as an evidince?

[grahamw48]

Ah, good to hear that you are making progress and away from this man.

I'm not an expert, but I would certainly keep and/or record anything that could be used in evidence.

Your solicitor will advise you on that.

I can't see them throwing you out of the country, incidentally....no matter what happened with you and your partner, or the outcome of the court case.

[lovely12]

Im worried now because if I will not drop the case and let it take it in the court, my husband might lost his job, I know he is willing to support the baby despite of what happen to us .he really feel sorry for what he did to me and want us to come back to him,.I dont know what to do now, I dont know if I drop the case or not?

[grahamw48]

The LAST person you need to feel sorry for is a partner who has so little respect for you that he has abused you in the way you've described (and that's all I can judge by).

HE WILL NOT CHANGE.

Just get that into your head and think of yourself and your child.

[grahamw48]

You will be able to survive perfectly well here without money from him.

I haven't had a penny from my ex-wife this past four years I've been a single parent looking after our son. :rolleyes:

[lovely12]

thanks graham for the reply. what if my husband deny the statement I made in the police? he told them we are only have arguement and deny that he grab my arm which he really did..Since I dont have any enough evidence, the case might not take in the court and he will not be guilty at all. Is this will affect my evidence to the UKBA if I m going to apply my ILR if the decision is not guilty ? I have no solicitor yet to confide about this. hope someone could enlighten me..

[grahamw48]

I suggest you tell your solicitor (ie LAWYER) of your concerns, then let him do the job he is being very well paid to do.

I'm sorry, but I seem to be getting the impression that your ILR is more important to you than your welfare or that of your child. :Erm:

You can always apply for a further extension of your stay while you sort out your life here.

There are many agencies who will help you in that, as you're already discovering.

[lovely12]

Im just worried that the UKBA will send me home when my visa will run out and my husband will hold/ fight for our baby as I am not permanent or residence or citizen yet . Thats why I leave my husband and ask for help in one of the non-domestic aid because I am concern for our welfare and safety. I didnt have my solicitor yet. I think the police will find him as not guilty before I could have the solicitor.

[grahamw48]

I think it EXTREMELY unlikely that your husband will get custody of your child....given the circumstances that you have described.

In the vast majority of cases the mother is given custody in this country, regardless of the mother's immigration status.

There is nothing to stop you taking out a court order against your husband, regardless of what the police decide to do.

That again is something the people supporting you will be able to advise on (free advice charities, social services etc).

This isn't the Philippines where you have to pay enormous amounts of money to lawyers and then sit around waiting for decisions for years.

We have a proper legal system that is free to all who cannot afford to pay, plus free legal (and other) advice at your local Citizens Advice Bureau.

[malditako]

if i were the one who get abused i think the first thing i would like to do is to go back to phils and get comfort from my family :)

[lordna]

if i were the one who get abused i think the first thing i would like to do is to go back to phils and get comfort from my family :)

hmmm...poor advice!....The family might just telll her to patch things up with her husband. Wife beating is not uncommon in the Philippines I am sure. Also she has a much better future for herself and child in this country. I am sure UKBA and good legal representation will sort this out in her favour AND let her continue to stay here. Her husband has broken the law and will be penalised.

[raynaputi]

hmmm...poor advice!....

I don't think that is a poor advice. It's a matter of preference..As malditako had said, if it was her who got abused. I myself would rather go back to the Philippines just in case, like malditako. I am capable enough to raise a kid in the Philippines and I don't really care whether I get a visa to stay here or not. I would rather be with the support and company of my whole family and friends in times of trouble than alone here in this foreign country. Only a family who doesn't care of the welfare of their relative would tell their daughter/sister to stay in a relationship or patch things up with the husband who abuses her. :NoNo: As I have always told my husband, if things don't go well with our marriage. I'll pack my bags and leave this country. Like I did when I was living in Singapore.

[gWaPito]

I don't think that is a poor advice. It's a matter of preference..As malditako had said, if it was her who got abused. I myself would rather go back to the Philippines just in case, like malditako. I am capable enough to raise a kid in the Philippines and I don't really care whether I get a visa to stay here or not. I would rather be with the support and company of my whole family and friends in times of trouble than alone here in this foreign country. Only a family who doesn't care of the welfare of their relative would tell their daughter/sister to stay in a relationship or patch things up with the husband who abuses her. :NoNo: As I have always told my husband, if things didn't go well with our marriage. I'll pack my bags and leave this country. Like I did when I was living in Singapore. Excellent post Rayna...you saved me the time replying in not so eloquent terms as yourself.

[grahamw48]

Steady on there folks.

We're only hearing one side of the story.

There is a child involved and there is a husband and father involved...with rights.

He can easily get a court injunction from a Judge to prevent his wife from removing THEIR child from the UK...as I did when the ex looked like she might be about to pull the same trick.

[gWaPito]

Graham...its my understanding that consent is required anyway when a lone parent is travelling with children? Ie. She just cant up sticks and run back to the phils with babies under each arm while the ol man's at work oblivious to what's going on.

Of course we are assuming what we are being told is the truth...that's all we can do...the reality could be a totally different ball game.

[grahamw48]

Graham...its my understanding that consent is required anyway when a lone parent is travelling with children? Ie. She just cant up sticks and run back to the phils with babies under each arm while the ol man's at work oblivious to what's going on.

Of course we are assuming what we are being told is the truth...that's all we can do...the reality could be a totally different ball game.

Not from this country mate.

Both the ex and I have travelled several times TO the Phils on our own with one or all of the kids.

It's travelling with children FROM the Phils that is the hard part...and that only if they have Phils passports.

Remember the UK is still (sort of) a free country....hence the number of gullible British women trying to recover kids from runaway muslim camel herders etc. :rolleyes:

[sars_notd_virus]

Im worried now because if I will not drop the case and let it take it in the court, my husband might lost his job, I know he is willing to support the baby despite of what happen to us .he really feel sorry for what he did to me and want us to come back to him,.I dont know what to do now, I dont know if I drop the case or not?

Domestic violence is one of the pitfall of getting married, men shouldnt treat their wives as property , dont ever back out with the case you filed against your ''foul husband '', the court will think that you are lying once you didnt push through with the case and in some circumstances it can over turn and give the chance for your '' foul husband '' to file a case against you...you said you got a child?? dont go back to the Philippines , your husband can get a court order not to bring the child outside of UK..take one step at a time, what is important is the protection of you and your child , the ILR can wait...push through the case , go to the Citizens Advice Bureau , they will help you to get legal aid , shelter, protection, benefits etc...

be strong and keep us updated on how it goes.

[lordna]

I don't think that is a poor advice. It's a matter of preference..As malditako had said, if it was her who got abused. I myself would rather go back to the Philippines just in case, like malditako. I am capable enough to raise a kid in the Philippines and I don't really care whether I get a visa to stay here or not. I would rather be with the support and company of my whole family and friends in times of trouble than alone here in this foreign country. Only a family who doesn't care of the welfare of their relative would tell their daughter/sister to stay in a relationship or patch things up with the husband who abuses her. :NoNo: As I have always told my husband, if things don't go well with our marriage. I'll pack my bags and leave this country. Like I did when I was living in Singapore.

Hmmm...you have a point...ones first instnict would be to return home to where you have support of family and things are familiar to you. However, i think that would be playing into his hands and precisely what he wants her to do. I think she can get all the help she needs here..and help on the forum to guide her in the right direction.

[malditako]

hmmm...poor advice!....The family might just telll her to patch things up with her husband. Wife beating is not uncommon in the Philippines I am sure. Also she has a much better future for herself and child in this country. I am sure UKBA and good legal representation will sort this out in her favour AND let her continue to stay here. Her husband has broken the law and will be penalised.

any parents who would tell their daughter to patch things up to their abusive husband are :crazy:....Uk government may give you all the material things you might need but they cannot fill the feelings of being alone in this country. Pardon me if I may sound offensive but lovely12 worries are more of getting ILR athan whats going on with her marriage, with her and with her baby.

[lordna]

any parents who would tell their daughter to patch things up to their husband are :crazy:....Uk government may give you all the material things you might need but they cannot fill the feelings of being alone in this country. Pardon me if I may sound offensive but lovely12 worries are more of getting ILR athan whats going on with her marriage, with her and with her baby.

Maybe she is thinking further ahead. Return to Philippines - what chance of help or income = nil unlike in the UK there is a much better future for both Baby and mother. Child support agency will chase the father for support.

[gWaPito]

Nobody actually knows the real situation here. For all we know the husband in question maybe quite will to support his child in the Philippines.

God forbid but, if anything was to happen bad between my wife and I, I for sure would want her back into the bosom of her family and I'd gladly support them.

Everything does not boil down to money...there have been times in the past where my wife as been so unhappy that she couldn't remember ever being so sad in the Philippines, not even her dark days....come on, too much emphasis on the money equals happiness rubbish.

Btw...thanks for the rep..whoever gave it :)

[gWaPito]

Just a little footnote...if people are wondering, I didn't cause the unhappiness...it was caused by missing her family and lifelong friends., no computer system can compensate for that..thank heavens we can apply for citizenship this November.

Another thought, its my belief that Filipino are not as nomadic as people think they are...look at us Brits, we dont see family from year to year..does it bother us..I should coco....yes, Filipino all over the globe but for what main reason?....its a terrible shame families who dont what to be torn apart, are. :(

[grahamw48]

Have another rep. I always need reminding anyway. :icon_lol:

[gWaPito]

Thank you young Graham :)

Apparently I got to spread reputations around before giving you any more...there was me thinking a reputation was awarded on post quality...:)

[kingy]

what happened to the friend you stayed with? is he/she not helping you with this? what about the friends you wanted to go out with during a nyt out? do they know about this? how come you were saying you have no one to talk to, you're alone, but have got friends to go out with? are you really concern about your welfare and your baby? or your just concern for your ILR coz its gonna expire soon?

after reading this whole thread, thats my conclusion...how to extend the ILR and not your welfare and ur baby.....sorry....but hope you get out of that abusive situation permanently.

[sars_notd_virus]

at the moment Im staying at my friends house,I dont know really what to do, where to go.My friend cant support me and the baby's need. My husband didndt support us .






Earlier, he didn't want me to go out with my friends just because he doesn't want me to so I complied just to avoid conflict but when I was the one to tell him to be home by 10 PM, he refused.




what happened to the friend you stayed with? is he/she not helping you with this? what about the friends you wanted to go out with during a nyt out? do they know about this? how come you were saying you have no one to talk to, you're alone, but have got friends to go out with? are you really concern about your welfare and your baby? or your just concern for your ILR coz its gonna expire soon?



You got it all mixed up:D

[lovely12]

[B]

[B]



You got it all mixed up:D


.this thread makes me cheer up... :) My friends are very supportive of me ,but they cant give me proper advice because they never had this experience.

Until now, I m still waiting for the appointment with my specialized solicitor for Immigrationto help me sort out my application for settlement . I didnt get any response yet. Im just worried now if it happen that my husband will found not guilty because I dont have enough evidence,will this affect my application for my settlement visa? The case will take in the court soon. Dont have feedback yet from the police. :NoNo: