Large Age Gap And Happy :)

[Iani]

Well, on age gaps, it's like this..........

"Average" age gaps in say the UK, it's 2-5 years at most. This isn't accident, it's a trend. The reasons are obvious - they aren't just partners, they are best friends, they by being almost the same age will have shared experiences, they will both know who Duran Duran are, will both be able to joke about Chopper bikes etc, will both have maybe been in Malia in 92'.
There is a good chance they met at a really young age in school. Let's be frank, aged 16 or 17, a larger age gap would be plain freaky.

So then, when we are older, if we meet when we are older then there is more chance of that age gap being wider. It's down to ratios, a 2 year age gap aged 15 is huge, in our 30's it's absolutely nothing, a 10 year gap means little in our 30's.

However, get a big age gap, and it can potentially lead to issues later. Say a 40 year, well we all hope we will be healthy pensioners, but unfortunately this doesn't always happen. I have met people in their 80's who have lost some memory, who are incontinent, who need a lot of care. Well what if their age gap is 40 years? He or she would be a young 40 still wanting to go out......................and if their partner is.......sorry....... a slobbering wreck of their former self, how can that be an equal partnership?
Yes I could name a man I know in his 90's mind razor sharp, swims every day........it's the luck of the draw.

I really hope I will never end up like that - don't we all - but there is a chance I might, none of us know. I could not inflict that on my partner.

With my partner, we have a 15 year gap, and when we were first introduced, I didn't realise this, maybe I wouldn't have got to know her if I knew. I am a little sensitive about it.

There is something else though that has to be considered - relevant to the sort of forum this is - and that's for various reasons, many asian ladies don't like partners the same age, and seek ones a bit older.
It's not always the case, but I found this in Thailand, and my partner and her friends have told me it's often the case with Phils ladies, they see an older man as less likely to be foolish, play around, and will look after her.

What it all comes down to is, it is the love between those couples that matters, and the sort of relationship they both want and will make work. They might not want to be talking about the 80's and 90's rave scene.

It's not really anyones business what someone chooses to be their partner. I am sorry but I don't see HUGE age gaps as a good thing, simply because, firstly there will not be that shared experience, but maybe mainly because we all get old one day, and then the relationship isn't going to be an equal partnership anymore. Of course it can work, but it could end up with the younger party resentful and unhappy at their life.

To put another perspective on this, if my 18 year old daughter wanted to shack up with a 35 or 40 year old, then to say I would be angry would be an understatement. I would have some very uncomfortable questions for him!!

If a 40 year old male friend of mine shacked up with an 18 year old, then the drinks would be lined up, we'd be carrying him shoulder high, he would be "da man".......yes guys can be pretty shallow huh.

Sorry if I'm peeing on anyone's bonfire here. I don't EVER look down or judge on any relationship until I know them, and I certainly do not dislike them for it. What is right for me is not right for everyone.

[gWaPito]

Well, on age gaps, it's like this..........

"Average" age gaps in say the UK, it's 2-5 years at most. This isn't accident, it's a trend. The reasons are obvious - they aren't just partners, they are best friends, they by being almost the same age will have shared experiences, they will both know who Duran Duran are, will both be able to joke about Chopper bikes etc, will both have maybe been in Malia in 92'.
There is a good chance they met at a really young age in school. Let's be frank, aged 16 or 17, a larger age gap would be plain freaky.

So then, when we are older, if we meet when we are older then there is more chance of that age gap being wider. It's down to ratios, a 2 year age gap aged 15 is huge, in our 30's it's absolutely nothing, a 10 year gap means little in our 30's.

However, get a big age gap, and it can potentially lead to issues later. Say a 40 year, well we all hope we will be healthy pensioners, but unfortunately this doesn't always happen. I have met people in their 80's who have lost some memory, who are incontinent, who need a lot of care. Well what if their age gap is 40 years? He or she would be a young 40 still wanting to go out......................and if their partner is.......sorry....... a slobbering wreck of their former self, how can that be an equal partnership?
Yes I could name a man I know in his 90's mind razor sharp, swims every day........it's the luck of the draw.

I really hope I will never end up like that - don't we all - but there is a chance I might, none of us know. I could not inflict that on my partner.

With my partner, we have a 15 year gap, and when we were first introduced, I didn't realise this, maybe I wouldn't have got to know her if I knew. I am a little sensitive about it.

There is something else though that has to be considered - relevant to the sort of forum this is - and that's for various reasons, many asian ladies don't like partners the same age, and seek ones a bit older.
It's not always the case, but I found this in Thailand, and my partner and her friends have told me it's often the case with Phils ladies, they see an older man as less likely to be foolish, play around, and will look after her.

What it all comes down to is, it is the love between those couples that matters, and the sort of relationship they both want and will make work. They might not want to be talking about the 80's and 90's rave scene.

It's not really anyones business what someone chooses to be their partner. I am sorry but I don't see HUGE age gaps as a good thing, simply because, firstly there will not be that shared experience, but maybe mainly because we all get old one day, and then the relationship isn't going to be an equal partnership anymore. Of course it can work, but it could end up with the younger party resentful and unhappy at their life.

To put another perspective on this, if my 18 year old daughter wanted to shack up with a 35 or 40 year old, then to say I would be angry would be an understatement. I would have some very uncomfortable questions for him!!

If a 40 year old male friend of mine shacked up with an 18 year old, then the drinks would be lined up, we'd be carrying him shoulder high, he would be "da man".......yes guys can be pretty shallow huh.

Sorry if I'm peeing on anyone's bonfire here. I don't EVER look down or judge on any relationship until I know them, and I certainly do not dislike them for it. What is right for me is not right for everyone.

I see the point you are making Ian...what I dont understand, is why you are hooked up with someone 15yrs your junior...surely you are contradicting yourself....I haven't seen any filipina looking older than her years before.

We have said in previous posts about making the English Filipino father comparison..totally different outlooks.

So, what's the difference between a 20 and 40 year age gap?...age isn't the only precursor to illnesses..it can strike anyone at anytime.

Presumptions are being made about the young wife and how she will feel in the years to come....you and others are thinking as if she's a westerner...

[lastlid]

....you and others are thinking as if she's a westerner...

I am not thinking as if she is a westerner. I was trying to point out that ones moral compass, beliefs, experience, religion etc etc etc affect what any individual thinks is acceptable. What is acceptable / unacceptable depends on a lot of factors including country of origin, place in time etc.

Neither am I saying that it is either acceptable or unacceptable but I am recognising that acceptability is a moving target.

[CBM]

Presumptions are being made about the young wife and how she will feel in the years to come....you and others are thinking as if she's a westerner...

I'll rise to that one - I have spent most of my working life in East Asia - Hong Kong, Japan, South Korea, the Philippines and Mainland China.

To be perfectly honest, I can't detect any real difference between easterners and westerners.

[gWaPito]

I'll rise to that one - I have spent most of my working life in East Asia - Hong Kong, Japan, South Korea, the Philippines and Mainland China.

To be perfectly honest, I can't detect any real difference between easterners and westerners.

Maybe the case in your professional circles but, I beg to differ...like most of us guys on here we've been married before and in my experience there's a stark contrast.

You can understand why many a westerner (especially ex downtrodden husbands previously married to a British) flock to the Philippines.

[lastlid]

I'll rise to that one - I have spent most of my working life in East Asia - Hong Kong, Japan, South Korea, the Philippines and Mainland China.

To be perfectly honest, I can't detect any real difference between easterners and westerners.

Maybe the case in your professional circles but, I beg to differ...like most of us guys on here we've been married before and in my experience there's a stark contrast.

You can understand why many a westerner (especially ex downtrodden husbands previously married to a British) flock to the Philippines.

This isn't as straight forward as it might seem. My quick response is that I have to agree with CBM. The long answer is quite complex. Are our Filipina wives genetically different to their UK counterparts? Are they emotionally different? Are they intellectually different? Aren't they simply superficially (even though starkly) different because of the circumstances they are brought up in - nurture v nature and all that.....a debate that rages on and on in psychology circles...

[CBM]

Maybe the case in your professional circles but, I beg to differ...like most of us guys on here we've been married before and in my experience there's a stark contrast.

You can understand why many a westerner (especially ex downtrodden husbands previously married to a British) flock to the Philippines.

This isn't as straight forward as it might seem. My quick response is that I have to agree with CBM. The long answer is quite complex. Are our Filipina wives genetically different to their UK counterparts? Are they emotionally different? Are they intellectually different? Aren't they simply superficially (even though starkly) different because of the circumstances they are brought up in - nurture v nature and all that.....a debate that rages on and on in psychology circles...

I ought to explain my remark better.

I'm a westerner who has been married before - twice, in fact, so either

(a) - I am the last person who should be offering advice

or

(b) I am the ideal person, because of my wealth of experience !

Years ago, I took a job as a manager in a state owned enterprise in Beijing, in the early stages of China's "opening up", at a time when, if you were a Caucasian, children and grandmothers would come up and try to see if you were really human. People were very, very "different" indeed. But it dawned on me that the way to understand them was to assume that we are all the same, and that the important thing was to know where somebody was "coming from" if I wanted to know why they behaved as they did.

In the years since, that has struck me as one of my better ideas. It has completely stopped me from feeling scared of foreigners and of strange places. Instead, I just try to work out why people are doing what they do.

Of course, this is just a variation on the old idea of "walking a mile in the other person's shoes", but it did strke me very strongly at the time and it has helped me since, so I pass it on.

Now, getting back to the subject at hand, we know where we are "coming from" - gWaPito sums it up beautifully - so where is a Filipina who falls for an older foreigner "coming from"?

The Philippines is a very, very "macho" culture. To start with, to become a man in Filipino society, a teenager must be circumcised, without anaesthetic, without showing fear or pain. Manliness is very much a prized virtue.

The Spanish and American influences on Filipino culture have only added to this. They are both "macho" societies.

Boys are always indulged by their mothers, whilst little girls are made to help with housework and so on from a very early age and are taught to behave in a feminine, demure, way*.

This leads to some interesting complications - to quote my sister in law, the reason you must always fold a bill into your driving licence, when a traffic cop pulls you over in the Philippines, is because being a traffic cop is a "macho" job, so, to show he is "macho" enough, a traffic cop must have a wife and children and a mistress and children, but his salary is not enough for that, so he must add to it... it is your business, as wealthy car driver, to help him with a pasalubong.

We therefore have a culture in which the married man is very often tempted to stray, and this is not helped by what I think of as almost the national sport of some Filipinas, which is "romantic love" (in no other country is Valentine's day talen so seriously, and see endless trashy novels aimed at and read by women, romantic films, etc) and this leads some women to think that their idea of fun should be encouraging the men to stray..

Now, the Philippines is a poor place, and contraception (see other threads!) is not readily available, so our macho Filipino may well find that he is unable to provide for his wife and kids as well as he feels he ought to. Drink and indeed drugs are readily available - both cheap... so some men take refuge in those.

The result is that some women see Filipino men of their own age as unreliable - theyare altogether too full of testosterone - they may chase other women, they may drink or take drugs and marital abuse is all too common.

From that point of view, an older foreigner can look pretty attractive. He won't get drunk chase other women or beat you and he probably has a relatively secure source of income. Furthermore, women are treated better in western societies.

But it doesnt mean that the lady is fundamentally different because she is Asian; it means that she is making a rational choice, coming from a different place. Fundamentally, she is the same. She isn't "hard wired" to prefer older men; she just thinks that for her, an older, foreign, man may be a better option. And that is not to say that she won't fall in love with him; it just means that she is starting from a different place. Where you both end up is up to you.



* I'd say this is starting to change, amongst twentysomethings in the middle and lower middle classes, now, just as it changed in Japan, a few years back, but the process is gradual.

[lastlid]

I'd say this is starting to change, amongst twentysomethings in the middle and lower middle classes, now, just as it changed in Japan, a few years back, but the process is gradual.

Probably the most significant part of your post. And the lions share of the reason behind the argument that we are indeed all basically the same across the globe.

[gWaPito]

I ought to explain my remark better.

I'm a westerner who has been married before - twice, in fact, so either

(a) - I am the last person who should be offering advice

or

(b) I am the ideal person, because of my wealth of experience !

Years ago, I took a job as a manager in a state owned enterprise in Beijing, in the early stages of China's "opening up", at a time when, if you were a Caucasian, children and grandmothers would come up and try to see if you were really human. People were very, very "different" indeed. But it dawned on me that the way to understand them was to assume that we are all the same, and that the important thing was to know where somebody was "coming from" if I wanted to know why they behaved as they did.

In the years since, that has struck me as one of my better ideas. It has completely stopped me from feeling scared of foreigners and of strange places. Instead, I just try to work out why people are doing what they do.

Of course, this is just a variation on the old idea of "walking a mile in the other person's shoes", but it did strke me very strongly at the time and it has helped me since, so I pass it on.

Now, getting back to the subject at hand, we know where we are "coming from" - gWaPito sums it up beautifully - so where is a Filipina who falls for an older foreigner "coming from"?

The Philippines is a very, very "macho" culture. To start with, to become a man in Filipino society, a teenager must be circumcised, without anaesthetic, without showing fear or pain. Manliness is very much a prized virtue.

The Spanish and American influences on Filipino culture have only added to this. They are both "macho" societies.

Boys are always indulged by their mothers, whilst little girls are made to help with housework and so on from a very early age and are taught to behave in a feminine, demure, way*.

This leads to some interesting complications - to quote my sister in law, the reason you must always fold a bill into your driving licence, when a traffic cop pulls you over in the Philippines, is because being a traffic cop is a "macho" job, so, to show he is "macho" enough, a traffic cop must have a wife and children and a mistress and children, but his salary is not enough for that, so he must add to it... it is your business, as wealthy car driver, to help him with a pasalubong.

We therefore have a culture in which the married man is very often tempted to stray, and this is not helped by what I think of as almost the national sport of some Filipinas, which is "romantic love" (in no other country is Valentine's day talen so seriously, and see endless trashy novels aimed at and read by women, romantic films, etc) and this leads some women to think that their idea of fun should be encouraging the men to stray..

Now, the Philippines is a poor place, and contraception (see other threads!) is not readily available, so our macho Filipino may well find that he is unable to provide for his wife and kids as well as he feels he ought to. Drink and indeed drugs are readily available - both cheap... so some men take refuge in those.

The result is that some women see Filipino men of their own age as unreliable - theyare altogether too full of testosterone - they may chase other women, they may drink or take drugs and marital abuse is all too common.

From that point of view, an older foreigner can look pretty attractive. He won't get drunk chase other women or beat you and he probably has a relatively secure source of income. Furthermore, women are treated better in western societies.

But it doesnt mean that the lady is fundamentally different because she is Asian; it means that she is making a rational choice, coming from a different place. Fundamentally, she is the same. She isn't "hard wired" to prefer older men; she just thinks that for her, an older, foreign, man may be a better option. And that is not to say that she won't fall in love with him; it just means that she is starting from a different place. Where you both end up is up to you.



* I'd say this is starting to change, amongst twentysomethings in the middle and lower middle classes, now, just as it changed in Japan, a few years back, but the process is gradual.

Excellent post CBM.

I'd go along with all of that....in summary its your conclusion that we are all conditioned to live a satisfactory way of life in our own, God given environment.

The problems could possibly start, as you suggest, when taken from that environment....no gradual change like your Japanese example.

We are also included...we also adapt to new environments....whether it changes out personalities, I dont know.

So, going by your post...if you dont want to change your partner's personality etc...dont bring them to the west?

Simplistic reply CBM..im pushed for time

Btw....a reputation on its way

[Iani]

I see the point you are making Ian...what I dont understand, is why you are hooked up with someone 15yrs your junior...surely you are contradicting yourself....I haven't seen any filipina looking older than her years before.

We have said in previous posts about making the English Filipino father comparison..totally different outlooks.

So, what's the difference between a 20 and 40 year age gap?...age isn't the only precursor to illnesses..it can strike anyone at anytime.

Presumptions are being made about the young wife and how she will feel in the years to come....you and others are thinking as if she's a westerner...

OI!!
I said I was sensitive about it
15 years isn't the biggest of gaps and we are very compatible. That's all I'm saying.

Don't get me wrong here, deep down I really couldn't care less about someone else's relationship. As long as it is on a mutually equal respect of each other, and there isn't some sort of power game involved, then it's all good.............and that goes for any relationship.

Unfortunately, I can only think "as if she is a westerner", because that's my background and I can't compare to anything else.

[CBM]

OI!!
I said I was sensitive about it
15 years isn't the biggest of gaps and we are very compatible. That's all I'm saying.

Don't get me wrong here, deep down I really couldn't care less about someone else's relationship. As long as it is on a mutually equal respect of each other, and there isn't some sort of power game involved, then it's all good.............and that goes for any relationship.

Unfortunately, I can only think "as if she is a westerner", because that's my background and I can't compare to anything else.

Exactly. Emphasis mine.

[gWaPito]

OI!!
I said I was sensitive about it
15 years isn't the biggest of gaps and we are very compatible. That's all I'm saying.

Don't get me wrong here, deep down I really couldn't care less about someone else's relationship. As long as it is on a mutually equal respect of each other, and there isn't some sort of power game involved, then it's all good.............and that goes for any relationship.

Unfortunately, I can only think "as if she is a westerner", because that's my background and I can't compare to anything else.

Good posts Ian
Looks like I mis read your initial post

I fully understand and respect your point of view, now that ive taken a little time out to read again what you said here.

Best of luck with your new relationship.

I guess you wont be chewing the cud about the new romantics then..
I dare say you'll think of something else more constructive to do